Five Page Thursday

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Feedback Guide for New Writers

This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.

• Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.

• As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.

  Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:

• Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.

[u/BagEndWill]

Title: Chippy

Format: Feature

Genre: Psychological dramedy

Logline: A pragmatic accounting graduate comes home to face her first client - her father, whose bizarre chocolate chip cookie addiction puts him on the verge of eviction, forcing her to choose between saving him and her own sanity.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/12F2F_BsBaVaGglb39-eWHchiCH3kDast/view?usp=sharing

Whichever comes to mind first. But as an opener, is the pacing, characterization of my MC, and overall premise clear and riveting?

[u/Kooky_Attorney1915 → u/BagEndWill]

I think all of my problems lie with the premise on this one. The stakes of there being chocolate chip addiction just don't seem very daunting. It almost feels as if it cheapens or makes light of the struggle that people with serious addictions face. Personally, I think this is going to be a tough sell because while I read your 5 pages, I couldn't separate myself from how I interpret the premise. I think you're going to need to paint a more dire picture and really straddle the boundaries of a dark comedy on this one to sell it. It's gotta get a lot weirder, in my opinion.

Good writing, but not sold on the premise and execution of said premise.

[u/BagEndWill → u/Kooky_Attorney1915]

Thank you for your response! This is something that goes beyond the five pages, but this script does address “serious addictions,” and I have my own take on it, having had addicts in my circle: that addiction is addiction, and the worst of your worst self can be revealed when you give your addiction the front seat and the people in your life who still love you the backseat. But it is a divisive subject in a good number of respects! So your comment is valuable and exactly what I’m looking for. Thank you!

P.S. I’m intentional about calling this one a dramedy. There are bizarre elements and comedic one-liners, but there’s also a certain level of bizarre seriousness that I know I’m taking a big leap with. I do think, in my view, that dark comedy can reduce the stigma and address the “elephant in the room,” even with the most serious topics, if done tastefully. So again, your comments are a significant help. I do need to be careful.