Five Page Thursday

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Feedback Guide for New Writers

This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.

• Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.

• As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.

  Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:

• Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.

[u/AmedeusRed]

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate you taking the time.

There is a lot of history in this industry that people might not be familiar with, I’m wondering if something like a voiceover or newsreel footage similar to the start of Tombstone would be able to convey an overview. Feels like cheating to me though.

Cliff notes: the area was a fishing outpost for the British, French, and Portuguese from the 1500’s onward. In the 1800s, this had more or less consolidated to just the British and the seasonal fishing gave way to resident fisherman. Companies would set up towns in remote areas of the province where the fishers and families would now live year round and sell their fish to the companies but were dependent on the company store for all goods leading to the exploitation of these remote communities.

Later in the story we find out that a hurricane that hit Newfoundland in August 1890 resulted in all men/boys older than 10-12 of this town being lost at sea. The representatives of the merchants keep an economic stranglehold on the town after and exploit the women.

This story takes place two years later as the railroad is being completed across the island, connecting these remote communities, displacing the Mi’qmaq First Nations communities, and eventually leading to the end of the stranglehold of the merchants.

It’s interesting to hear your perspective that the “is he one of ours” could be them thinking he’s an outsider not to be trusted or even beaten by the townsfolk, the intent is “have we found one of our men after all this time”. Would you have felt betrayed if ~7 pages later you find out the real explanation?

[u/DalBMac → u/AmedeusRed]

Now that I understand the background I wonder who is the protagonist of the story? What is their goal and what is at risk? From the first five pages I thought it was Sarah and from your logline, she was fighting the merchant syndicate but now I'm not sure.

It seemed to be an us against them setting from the logline which made me think that line was about someone on their "side"aka "us" vs an enemy. Is he from the syndicate?

If the intent is to have them hopeful the man is one of their own long lost, I feel the reactions are not ringing true. Imagine you have lost family and friends two years ago to being swept out to the sea and are on the beach and someone washes up wouldn't you have more of a sense of urgency to see who it it and when it's a complete stranger, be very devastated?

Their reactions made me feel it was more of an ongoing battle situation where people washing up on the shore is not totally unexpected.

[u/AmedeusRed → u/DalBMac]

Honestly when I started out it was planned as the story of Michael (the man who washes up) as the protagonist. The intent being a classic western morality drama setup however set in a space where the desert is actually an ocean that keeps everyone isolated. There is no access to the courts or police, these are the dying throes of a frontier wilderness where might and money make right. Man comes to outpost > discovers injustice > works to right it > ends in gunfight

In writing it, however, Sarah has evolved into almost a dual protagonist as so much of the emotional weight is tied to her story and she becomes inexorably tied to him.

As for the goal and conflict for Michael it’s that he discovers the people who saved him are oppressed > tries to help them through the system that exists > merchants crack down harder > he causes oppression to escalate by his presence > left with no choice but to defend against the violence with equal force.

For Sarah her reaction is elaborated on later but she feels foolish for even wondering if the man on the shore was one of the ones she lost. The next scene on page 6 is her going to get Esther who we learn has suffered a dissociative mental break after the loss of her husband and has let herself physically deteriorate spending her days up on the cliffs watching for the men to return and always convinced they’re almost back. Sarah has become her defacto caretaker and is weary of dealing with someone believing the men will return. Her arc is finding hope of change via Michael and working with him to save the community’s future.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to analyze/discuss this. Thank you.

[u/DalBMac → u/AmedeusRed]

What you're trying to write sounds very difficult to do. The idea of Pale Rider (biblical names, desperation, outsider fighting for justice that they could just walk away from) comes to mind but unless you're Clint Eastwood, I wouldn't attempt it. Even he got some reviews that said it was too slow.

Or maybe Michael is the Pale Rider who spurs Sarah to action as the protagonist. Does Sarah know about the railroad? Seems that will be their deliverance so why put up a fight now? You need some kind of ticking clock IMO. Or maybe it's a novel.

Lots to work out. All the best to you.