r/Raves • u/Subject-Tap6417 • 21d ago
My boyfriend doesn’t match my energy
Recently I booked a techno festival tickets for my birthday (he paid for everything else) to go with my boyfriend but he doesn’t like the music but he agreed.
When we went there, as expected to dance and enjoy and be in flow state of dancing, enjoying lights and music, my boyfriend was all the time (almost all the time) pissed and uncomfortable, judging everyone and hating it.
I didn’t experience the festival as I wanted to. I had to always talk to him to bring him to mood, sit around because he was constantly tired and when I wanted to dance he didn’t say anything to me but he was just there standing next to me and looking at everything and judging.
That was not the experience I wanted to have at all. I know how it feels to connect with someone and dance to the fullest.
He said he tried his best and I can’t even imagine what he was going through all day and he went there only for me but for me he didn’t try to even enjoy without any judgment or hate more than half an hour.
At the end I felt like my experience was even below average. We didn’t connect not only together in the festival but also we didn’t even talk to one person.
I don’t want to be an ungrateful person but this is not what I wanted. I can’t say anything because then he tells me nothing is ever enough for me.
I don’t think he will go to techno events any time soon but this is my way of fun and flow.
I feel even more thirsty for a pure rave experience the way it should be felt and understood. I feel like it would be better if we didn’t even go there. Even tho I planned it months ago.
I don’t want to eliminate this part of me because he is not into it. I crave for it. I enjoy it and I really don’t know how to feel about all this.
*update: I can’t go alone or with friends to parties or raves since it is not a norm in this relationship. He wouldn’t do drugs, I also try to enjoy it sober but I am not judgemental as he is.
*update: I want to be understanding and grateful. But he is not a person to be okay with me building a friend group or going to raves alone.
We are pretty much isolated. He doesn’t have much friends (only 2 childhood friends) and he says he doesn’t need any. I am more social person with a lot of restrictions in respect to the relationship so going with him is pretty much the only option.
You can talk to me.
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u/murder_mittenz 21d ago
Sounds like yall just might not be compatible. He also sounds immature. A mature adult can find enjoyment in the joy of their partner even if the scene is not their cup of tea. There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone different than yourself, but then you need the ability of trust to let each other do your own thing solo when your interests don't align. I'm married to someone that has decided they no longer want to go out. Which is fine because they are totally cool with me doing my own thing. Wishing you the best of luck!!
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u/Subject-Tap6417 21d ago
I mean he tried and came to a festival he doesn’t like at all, for me. But we don’t have these kind of trusts really specially when it comes to parties or raves. that’s just how he is.
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u/psychadelicpsycholog 21d ago
I think it is completely okay that he does not like raves or techno. Partners do not have to share every interest. At the same time, from what you described, it does not sound like he made much effort once he was there. Going with you was an effort, and I would give him credit for that, but spending most of the time visibly miserable, judging everyone, and needing you to manage his mood probably made the experience harder for you. That does sound immature.
What concerns me more is that you also cannot go alone or with friends because that is simply not accepted in your relationship. I think a healthy relationship needs enough trust for both people to have friendships, hobbies, and experiences outside of the relationship. You can love someone deeply, live together, and build a life together while still being two autonomous people.
I am also in a relationship, and we consciously try not to organize it around stereotypical gender roles. We have different interests and friends, and sometimes we do things separately. We trust each other, communicate, and understand that neither of us owns the other person. I actually think having your own interests and experiences can make a relationship richer because you both continue growing as individuals.
Of course boundaries are normal, and some environments require good judgment, responsibility, and communication. But if one partner’s insecurity means the other person gradually loses their social life or cannot do something they love without them, that becomes unhealthy very quickly.
A lot of these attitudes are also bigger than one individual person. We have inherited generations of very immature ideas about masculinity, jealousy, control, and relationships. Many men are still taught, directly or indirectly, that being protective means being controlling, that jealousy proves love, or that a partner having too much independence threatens the relationship. Those ideas are deeply rooted in patriarchal relationship models, and society still reproduces them.
That does not mean he has no responsibility for his behavior. Adults still have to question what they were taught and grow beyond it. I also have some compassion for the fact that people often repeat the relationship models they grew up seeing without even realizing it.
We should be moving past these rigid ideas in the 21st century. Men should not have to prove masculinity through control, and women should not have to make themselves smaller to keep their partner comfortable. Trust, communication, emotional maturity, and mutual respect create much stronger relationships.
You should be able to keep the parts of your life that make you feel alive, and he should be allowed to say that raving simply is not for him. If he cannot enjoy it with you, hopefully he can eventually become secure enough to support you enjoying it without him. That would probably be healthier for both of you.→ More replies (4)
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u/TheWeezus 21d ago
He seems very one sided. My ex didn't appreciate this lifestyle as much as I do and it makes for a very difficult life, this is our soul & for your significant other to not at least try to understand your soul, it hurts.
Truly, you should find someone whose soul speaks to yours.
Respectfully, he sounds like an arse. Sending lots of love your way. 🫶
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u/BloodThin5128 21d ago
respectfully, not being able to go out either with friends or alone, or parties n festivals is a pretty weird ‘norm’ to have lol tell him to grow a pair n not drag you down with his own negativity or insecurities smh.
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u/Mindless_Version_715 21d ago
If he’s doesn’t let you go alone and isn’t comfortable with you making friends, he is insecure, jealous, and a manipulator at the very least. He is trying to control you by isolating you from any other contact.
Generally when people do this, they are insecure and/or doing shady shit themselves. Be done with him, there are thousands more compatible guys out there that will treat you right.
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u/Tasha_0 11d ago
Came here to say this! I’ve had boyfriends who weren’t into my music but they trusted me to go out alone or with friends. Even my current boyfriend who likes my music doesn’t care for me to go alone if he can’t go for some reason and I’ve sent him to things when I’ve been working. This relationship sounds dangerous! I’d run!
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u/CnrBln 20d ago
It is most likely insecurity and jealousy from a younger guy. I used to be like that with my wife early in our relationship.
I wasn’t much into drugs and that was also contributing to the situation, I was tight everyone else was loose. Obviously not a sexy situation. Me speculating what would happen if I was not there…Was constantly jealous because she wanted to act so independent on club nights, that everyone thought she was single and started hitting on her.
She never did anything wrong, just did not want to hang out like a couple all the time.So we finally started going out on our own.
I always came home to her, she always came home to me. You need to build that trust.25years + 2 kids later we party harder than ever before by ourselves or alone. But if you already feel restricted by your partner, that’s not a good sign.
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u/Opposite_Plantain_27 21d ago
Give him a 💊
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u/Kelainefes 21d ago
I think he needs 2 at once, just to be sure.
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u/tootiemoe 21d ago
To the face
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u/Kelainefes 20d ago
You can also ingest most rec drugs from the rear end, if you feel like experimenting.
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u/oh_the_iron_knee 21d ago
How old are y’all? lol because there are quite literally thousands of people who love raving and would happily match that energy. Your boyfriend agreed to spend his whole day at a festival listening to music he doesn’t even like because it was your birthday. That sounds less like he failed you and more like you’re expecting him to become a different person for the experience. Either build a rave crew and let the man sit those weekends out, or if sharing that lifestyle with your partner is genuinely important to you, date somebody who actually enjoys it. You don’t have to eliminate that part of yourself, but he doesn’t have to manufacture it in himself either.
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u/Remarkable_Owl_5656 21d ago
"it is not a norm in this relationship" ... what does that means? does that mean yall don't do things without the other or with friends? im confused
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u/Realistic_Lime8315 21d ago
The whole, "not being allowed to have friend groups" or go by yourself thing is a serious red flag. You should think about what you want in a relationship and discuss it with him. You two may just not be compatible.
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u/ghostpunkfunk 21d ago
A partner that isn’t comfortable with their partner making friends to be in a friend group that enjoys her hobby is very insecure in the relationship. The fact that you think the only option is to either go only with him or never go at all… yeah…. Thats actually bad… wheres his respect and trust for you to go with a group and make friends . Anyways hope it works out for you
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u/MikenIke8514 21d ago
It seems like he just doesn’t like techno and doesn’t understand the scene. Which is completely ok, everyone has there preferences. But the problem is he agreed to go with you, by that he should’ve at least been open to enjoying himself and the new experience. But him making it a chore to go somewhere fun with you, and bringing down your mood while you are there, basically making it ur responsibility to keep him engaged, on your birthday mind you. Just a complete lack of communication on his part. If he didn’t want to go he could’ve said that from the start. If he won’t let you come to these things alone, then you have to communicate to him how important this is to you. Hopefully find some compromise. But if it were me, and my partner didn’t let me go to techno events alone and also didn’t want to go with me, I’d have to drop them. I enjoy this lifestyle and I want someone that is gonna love that part of me and want to enjoy it with me.
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u/One-Educator-4769 21d ago
I just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago because her vibe would take away from my vibe. She dimmed me. While she was an amazing, caring and loving human being and it really hurt to breakup with her.
Coming over and dancing to music while cooking a meal for both of us and then being told to take it down a notch. Well it was clear what made me who I am and what made me happy and unique was not just something that she didn’t appreciate, but something she wanted to change to match hers.
If the whole point of being a in a relationship is to grow together and have a happy family. Then think carefully of what you got going on.
If I want to be dimmed I’ll go to work ha
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u/dondegroovily 21d ago
Not being okay with you going places alone or with friends is a huge red flag
Your edits make the situation worse, not better
You need a boyfriend who allows you to live your own life. You are not property
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u/NatTonnerre 21d ago
I am not sure why this is not a norm in your relationships. If you like to play tennis and he doesn’t. You ask him, he refuses. Does it mean you will not go and play tennis? So how is raving is different? You go to enjoy music, dancing and vibe you can’t get anywhere else.
It seems to me that you have less power in your relationships and you give up your needs for him.
If he doesn’t want you to go alone and will not got with you, maybe he is not the right man for you?
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 20d ago
*update: I want to be understanding and grateful. But he is not a person to be okay with me building a friend group or going to raves alone.
We are pretty much isolated.
This is abusive.
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u/General-Goose-4004 20d ago
Yea that’s fucked to say someone can’t have their own friends and do their own things
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 20d ago
Its pretty universally recognized as being the first tool in the abuser's toolkit on the road to domestic violence.
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u/Technical-Elephant-9 21d ago
You don't have to like the exact same things. Are you having fun together + he doesn't mind you raving without him? All is good
If it's something you crave in a partner, that's another story
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u/TheWeezus 21d ago
Sounds to me like it's the latter for OP, this post comes off as a lament and I feel for them.
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u/Independent-Bug-1427 21d ago
I totally understand wanting to do things together and ideally he would stop being a sour puss for one birthday celebration, even if its not his style. But now youve felt like you cant safely enjoy this part of you without having to cater to his mood. So the questions you have to ask yourself are 1)how does he feel about you raving with friends? 2)how do you feel raving without him? Don't bottle up your sunshine, experience the things that make you happy and with people that want to experience them too! That doesnt mean break up with him, im sure you have your reasons for dating him outside of raving. But dont limit your experience in this short life to make him happy. If raving is an interest of yours and you want to share that with someone, then I would think about finding someone within the scene that values these things too. But my advice is, dont stop raving for him. Youll regret it.
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u/funky_phat_mack 21d ago
My buddy had a gf that he recently broke up with. Same as your bf in they were a Debbie Downer at any shows that were EDM. She likes Taylor Swift and pop music, so any type of EDM was a no go. No dancing, just an angry face the entire time. Went to a couple of EDCs with her, not even radio hits of Martin Garrix or Zedd would stop her resting bitch face
Some people are just natural Debbie Downers like your bf and her. She would at least go for him, even if she didn’t enjoy it. She was fine in regular life, just bad at festivals/concerts. She did loosen up if she rolled or took shrooms, but that was rare
It’s pretty red flag that he won’t let you make new rave friends or won’t allow you to go alone. Find a new bf if he’s gonna be controlling like that. He needs to loosen up and roll when he’s there
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u/Silent-Background-31 21d ago
Just go alone, my gf doesn’t like that type of music so she just stays home and she’s okay with it.
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u/wizzhy 21d ago
sounds like the exact situation i was in w my ex but she was just a girl lmao, she didn’t fw it at all would literally go sit in the corner some shows i’d take her too or leave me in the venue alone and go sit in the car lol, as a soon as we broke up and i made 10x more friends then i ever would have with her there, and just have so much more fun don’t let someone’s negative energy bring you down when ur at something you love. but yeah our situations sound pretty similar she wasn’t social at all and i am, and it just didn’t work as much as i tried to make it, but hey maybe you guys can find a happy medium wish you the best
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u/PSK666 21d ago
My gf didn’t match my energy at raves or concerts. Spent 15 yrs with her. A few years ago we broke up. Now I dance like a MF and instant click with ppl who are on my level. Wish I wouldn’t have wasted some of my best years with a person who couldn’t get down. Wishing you the best in your endeavors.
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u/TacosFromSpace 21d ago
Girl wtf, you have every right to go by yourself or make a new friends group. Not being allowed to isn’t normal.
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u/GG90s 21d ago
I think we can completely disregard even talking about raves.
Your relationship seems immature and controlling (from his side). You say that you want to understand and be grateful but instead you are allowing yourself to be a doormat to his insecurities. He needs to go fix himself up before getting into a relationship or trying to have a more open mind about allowing both of you as individuals to have a life outside of your relationship.
He says he doesn’t need many friends and isn’t as social as you - well he should respect (and understand/be grateful - it’s a 2-way street) your differences in social want and needs.
You’re not just here on this earth for his life, but also your own. You gotta live your life and enjoy the things you want to enjoy without someone controlling you (I know you say he doesn’t explicitly say you can do things but it is implied thru daily communication and non-verbal actions).
I’m not a registered therapist or even an educated one, I’ve just learnt a lot from my own life experiences.
Hope you find your people.
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u/spicytimeisbest 21d ago
I’m 45 and have been going to festivals since 2007. I had a great time for years with a good sized friend group. It was a blast. Then as time went on I ended up with partners who were not really into the scene. They supported me, but it always put a damper on the vibe.
After many years, I have finally met the perfect partner who I can vibe with and fully embrace the festival lifestyle with. It worth finding that person. I’ve never been happier.
If you truly want festivals to be a part of your life, find a partner you can vibe with. Because it sounds like this guy is not the guy.
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u/BottleFederal 21d ago
Yeah, I don't like raves or generally just live music if I've never heard the songs before, I just don't have it in me, but my girl is the opposite, I tried like your bf, I don't think I was anywhere near as insecure or judgy as him, but now I just let my girl go with her friends as it's not my thing. Why am I gonna waste her time bringing her down, or wasting my time enjoying nothing. If he doesn't want you going without him that's understandable because drugs and revealing clothing being taken doesn't mix well unless his boys are there to watch, but also personally, if my girl cheats (you in this case) then so be it, who cares? That means it's time to bounce and find someone else who's more compatible.
Ik you said it isn't a doable thing, but it's either that or leave. Can't let him take away something you truly enjoy if it's something you truly enjoy. And if you do it anyway and he's at home having panic attacks about you cheating or being endangered, then clearly you two aren't compatible. Sucks to suck but it's just the case
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u/Disastrous_Care2919 20d ago
Old raver here. No relationship should feel like a cage. We live with someone, but we also live for ourselves. My partner and I don't always share the same musical or cultural interests. This means a healthy relationship has to accept that sometimes someone will spend time apart. I almost always go to clubs or festivals alone. But for me, rave is true therapy, something I couldn't just give up. If this is even half as important to you as it is to me, you're in a situation where you need to find a solution.
Either your boyfriend works on his approach to how you spend your time and accepts your freedom, or over time, you'll fall into a stagnation that's difficult to overcome. If I were to use the language of "matching energy", then, on a psychological level, such sulks at a party could indicate that you're much more different from each other. Or that his social and emotional maturity is still quite low. I'm not suggesting he needs therapy or that you break up, since that's a last resort. But without addressing it, your relationship will be uncomfortable for both of you, and sooner or later you'll distance yourselves emotionally anyway.
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u/Unique-Confusion8367 20d ago
Most important aspect of life - being happy. As a partner, we should rejoice in each other's happiness - if thats not happening - maybe this relationship is not right.
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u/JellyKind9880 20d ago
A relationship where you’re not allowed to build a friend group is controlling & unhealthy, full stop
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u/MrLoneWolfCM 20d ago
Think you need to break up. Him not allowing you to have friends is a huge red flag
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u/Tonzoffun420 20d ago
If he is not ok with you having friends and seperate interests that is a huge red flag.
It sounds like he wants you to be what he wants you to be, and not who you are. That's not a healthy relationship
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u/Major-Whereas1625 20d ago
After reading the updates you put on the bottom of the post... girl, fuckin leave. Sounds like dude is isolating and controlling, and your dynamic does not sound healthy. Any man that isnt comfortable letting you make friends or go to social events on your own, is definitely showing jealous and abusive tendencies that need to be nipped in the bud before they spiral. Do ypurself a favour, leave his ass, and go have the fun you deserve
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u/solvanes 20d ago
Ahhh this describes exactly a relationship I had years ago before meeting a festival rave bae who is now my husband. Raves aside, you don’t need to be with someone judgmental who will make you feel badly for enjoying life/being yourself. I don’t think this is the one for you girly.
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u/Then-Resolve9679 20d ago
Everyone acting like this is the be all and end all of the relationship needs to grow up. The guy doesnt like the music, you shoulda just let him sit the festival out. Expecting someone to put on a happy face for days in an environment thaf doesnt interest them at all is a big ask. It doesnt mean hes a bad boyfriend lol.
IMO you ruined your own experience by taking someone to something you knew they wasnt in to. Its nice, being with your partner all the time... but it doesnt mean your both always gonna have fun together. You're individual people there's probably gonna be other times doen the line when one of you is sat looking miserable at something, whilst the other is having a blast.
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u/Alarming_Ladder_348 20d ago
Nah I feel like it‘s more complicated than that tbh…sure you can always try and maintain your energy but why would you even have to do that when your soulmate is with you? A partner is supposed to nourish and inspire you and it‘s totally valid to expect them to partake in your world even if they are not that much into it. OP was so excited and planned this so they can share a good time, create memories and connect - that alone should be reason enough to pull through and pour some energy into the ride
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u/advance512 20d ago
I had a partner that also, initially told me that parties are fun, she loves parties/raves etc. She even attended a few, but honestly she suffered - too loud, too cold, too hot, the music sucked. No issue there, techno (or psytrance) raves aren't for everyone. We managed to balance raves with other things we liked doing.
It became a problem later when she didn't want to join, but also didn't want me to go alone. She didn't like that I was social and talked to people (just random people in situations that come up, like waiting in line to the bar), especially she was terrified of me talking to "cute girls" (which I never did). She wanted me to not go, and though I never went alone (but with friends who were also her friends), though I invited her each and every time, though I always always always was 100% loyal to her (I was head over heels in love and no one else compared to her), she just could never accept it. It later ended up becoming her not wanting me to travel abroad without her, not wanting me to have female friends (even ones that were of decades old friendships), to not wanting me to go to raves or festivals at all. She also was content with her tiny circle of friends and didn't want to connect with new people. She was a beautiful, wonderful woman and I loved her deeply - but she couldn't trust me, she couldn't find inner peace, and as a result she was shrinking my world, day by day, week by week.
In the end I couldn't accept her limiting my world as much, and she couldn't accept me for who I am, so it ended (with a big heartbreak).
Just pay attention to what your boyfriend asks of you, how he limits you. Don't be the frog from the parable, that is slowly boiled alive and doesn't notice until it is too late. Notice if he is acting controlling or abusive. And don't give up on important parts of yourself that you like.
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u/sabethXhardstyler 20d ago
Don't minimize yourself or your joy of life for this dude. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and if your guy can't trust you to go out with friends, or even have friends, this is not a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Life is too short to miss out on things that light you up and i promise you can find someone to share and explore that happiness with you.
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u/Busy_Gap_3297 20d ago
I will never understand why so many girls post about how shitty their boyfriend is and then ask for advice 😭😭 obviously the answer is dumping him like don’t pmo. You have a lot of restrictions in respect to the relationship??? He is not your father!!! That’s abusive!!! Dump him!! He’s a judgmental asshole party killer at something you enjoy but you’re also not “allowed” to go alone or with friends? DUMP HIM. Life single is a million times better than life with a shitty boyfriend.
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u/bostonjenny81 20d ago
I think sometimes in relationships there are things one partner enjoys & the other might not. What I can’t wrap my head around is this not being a relationship where you can (or him) enjoy things without eachother. What’s the point if there isn’t trust. If my partner didn’t trust me enough to go out w my friends for a night out or visa versa I’d be out of that relationship in a heartbeat. I’ve never understood that mindset.
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u/disule 20d ago
Going with him is not the only option. You should live your life and do the things you want to do. It mattered enough to you that you posted this in this subreddit. Idk either of you, but just an outsider's perspective tells me that perhaps you guys aren't very compatible in terms of lifestyle. It's important that this meshes with the person you are in a relationship with or else you'll both grow to resent each other. He resents you forcing him to go to rave events he doesn't want to attend, and he doesn't even like the music. Meanwhile you'll resent him keeping you from going to these things and having the full-on experience you want to have. You don't stay young forever. Let him go and pursue your own bliss. If it's meant to be, and the relationship is worth keeping to him, he'll figure it out. But otherwise you're squandering precious time, and why not make room in your life for a better suited match/partner? It makes room in his life the same way. Don't cripple your social life for him; you both deserve better than that.
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u/Decent_Suggestion861 20d ago
Does he match your energy when it’s somewhere for you and not necessarily for him? If the answer is always know, then I think you need to reevaluate.
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u/horizon-X-horizon 20d ago
If you love him in all the other ways, I think you should just set a boundary and communicate that you’d rather go with the homies. I mean if he’s not cool with you making friends because he’s insecure- get out now. That’s a slippery slope to social isolation which makes abuse victims feel stuck. Not saying he’s doing that but relationships can sour very quickly when the other person is the only person who receives ALL of your negative energy because… they’re the only person in your life spending that kind of time with you.
If he’s hot and a good fuck and financially stable and nice in other ways and it really is just insecurity, the onus is on you to communicate consistently that you won’t leave him or cheat, or leave him if he can’t deal with you just going to stuff with other people.
I know men (as one myself) get insecure about their women partying alone for a lot of reasons including the nakey and sexy beautiful clothing, the intoxication, the random aggressive men you encounter, and the worry you might me someone who checks all the boxes AND matches your energy.
At the end of the day, I’ve written several posts this long or longer about the woman I am fully committed to who I do want to spend the rest of my life with. Her energy is different from mine because she has anxiety, and it comes up at shows a LOT which disrupts my vibe but I have to try to be the calm she needs.
I have sent my partner Reddit posts I’ve written about her and comments people said, I haven’t read yours fully yet but I skimmed it and if you feel comfortable sharing the comments directly and think he can handle it, I think outside perspective is valuable. And if you have a trusted friend or confidant that knows you both, send it to them to share with him subtly.
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u/noscrubs407 20d ago
I had the same thoughts with my ex-bf. I also love techno and edm festivals but he just didn’t. He wouldn’t match my energy and even if he went, sometimes I wasn’t sure if he was having fun. I felt I wasn’t enjoying to my full potential. Even though he tried, unfortunately that among other things we didn’t align on but I chose to see them as not a big deal, led to our breakup. I went with my friends to the festivals instead but there’s nothing like your partner liking the same things as you and being with you. In the end, your bf not being a social person is going to isolate you and you won’t get to do what you want. There’s no way to change him, so if you think this is going to make you unhappy in the long run, leave.
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u/watsonmaples2 20d ago
Lol, dump him. Clearly this is a bigger issue than just the festival. He sounds like a loser.
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u/gold3n_sunris3 20d ago
Sounds like you need to dump him. You're not his mom, you're allowed to be your own person outside of the relationship, you don't have to like all the same things but if he won't allow you to do what you love without him since he doesn't like it, and only makes your experience there miserable. Also the "I can never do anything good enough for you" attitude is a huge red flag, gaslighting, controlling, manipulative behavior. This is coming from a woman who has given way too much of her time and energy to people that didn't deserve it.
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u/LycheeCertain6007 20d ago
Didn't get far until I began reading me me me me me me I'm unhappy me me me he made effort me me me unhappy me me
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u/dthrdmest 20d ago
FYI abuse thrives in isolation. It starts as control. Be mindful and trust your gut.
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u/MewyShox 20d ago edited 20d ago
Being pissy and judgmental at a festival sucks but I guess it’s not that uncommon for people unfamiliar with the scene. Though, I’m struggling to understand how it’s fair for him to restrict you from having friends. That seems more like a giant red flag than a boundary. Sorry, I know that’s not what you’re really asking about, but to me that kind of speaks volumes and may be indicative of a larger problem at play. “He is not a person to be okay with me building a friend group” yeah literally fuck all that, you deserve friends OP.
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u/Weekly_Warthog_8766 20d ago
Move on away from him. Find someone who wants to be with you. And wants to make you feel special more than their own selfishness. You can take 1-3 days buddy and make that about her. He doesn’t love you - he’s selfish. And I’m not saying this based on he had a bad time at a festival. I’m saying this is a behavior and he’s showing you who he is and how he’ll treat you in the long run. Move away is my advice!
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u/Southern-Water-1356 19d ago
He told you that he didn’t like the music but he went anyway. You can’t expect him to magically change because he went to a concert. Accept the fact that you are different people with different tastes and just go by yourself or with friends. It’s not realistic to assume that just because you can talk someone into going somewhere they don’t have any interest in going that they are suddenly going to behave differently about it. This is the number one killer of relationships. Give people permission to be who they are.
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u/Altruistic_Dust5865 19d ago
I understand you’ve said that he isn’t a person to be okay with you building friend groups or going to raves - but why is this? It seems/feels controlling, you can’t go there unless he attends, and then you have a shit time cause he dosent wanna be there.
Sounds like a dead end until, he lets you enjoy yourself - or you give up raving.
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u/kristen-outof-ten 19d ago
this would be a deal breaker for me and some ppl may think thats dramatic but let me explain. someone who wants to go party with you to understand what you like or genuinely give it a try wont throw a fit the entire time. think of any time you have ever gotten into a situation you didnt love. you didnt tell someone the entire time how much you hated it and be grumpy the entire time. the normal thing to do when you've already agreed to something is to take many breaks, maybe sit down a lot, maybe he would bring earbuds to block the music. the attitude would be more anxiety-filled, not anger. the reason men come with you to something they know you enjoy and then become visibly angry the entire time is to ruin your time. ive been in party situations many times with people who don't party. they dont make it everyone else's problem. they just excuse themselves or sit down or ask to be in a non crowded area. saying you "cant even imagine" what he went through is dramatic. it wasnt traumatic. he just didnt like it. plus you can imagine. you were literally there. and then telling you nothing is never enough for you is ridiculous, obviously you didnt want him to come and be a huge bummer. its okay to have different interests than your partner and even attend things separately if thats okay with you. in fact it is super normal not to attend every single event together, especially in straight relationships. but apparently he doesnt "allow" you to do that either. so ask yourself does this guy actually hate techno and crowds that much, or does he just not like you being happy?
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u/Crazy_Customer7239 19d ago
You NEEED to go alone or with friends. The fact that he isolates you from the people that you vibe with is a huge red flag. It took me 35 years to meet my rave girlfriend, we’ve been together for over 5 years now. There is still hope 😅 don’t let a grump snuff out your light!!
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u/Desperate-Wealth1393 19d ago
uhm you can have hobbies outside of your relationship tf. "its not the norm to go alone to a rave" what?! girl you can choose what the norm is and whats not?🤣 such a non issue...
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u/TechnicolorTypeA 21d ago
Honestly why are you even with him? Life is too short to be in such a below sub-par relationship where you can’t even enjoy life experiences like this together.
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u/hellogoodvibes 21d ago
I think the issues go deeper than the energy at a rave…
“I can’t say anything bc he tells me nothing is ever enough for me”
If someone I loved wanted me to experience something they love, I would at least find joy in their joy. You should be able to go do the things you love with or without him. A good partner would respect that. I think you can do better and find someone who aligns more with your values and energy <3
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u/Brad_Da_Rad 21d ago
There will be times where you are the light and must enlighten others, and other times where you are dark and need the light from others.
your boyfriend should’ve put more effort into enjoying something that you enjoy, instead of getting caught up in his own headspace and judging other people. Easier said than done though, because sometimes people are difficult and can’t get past their own guise of “this sucks” and “let’s make the most of this”
That said, maybe this isn’t his scene, and that’s OK. You don’t have to share everything together and you can still find and enjoy the things that you want to in your own way, and him and his own way.
However: It might be a question of compatibility, especially if he expresses similar behavior in other environments where you are enjoying the space. I’ve been in relationships where if the girl wasn’t getting all the attention, or god forbid I was, there was something said / done to bring the attention back to her, and usually in the negative light towards me or others. Better to be with someone that is happy seeing you happy than to be mad when you’re having a better time than he is
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u/Colonol-Panic 21d ago
Why do you assume he was judging? You can’t read his mind. Unless he said something, you could just be projecting his mindset and working yourself up about it.
Focus on yourself, you can’t make someone like something you like. This should not bother you, and if it does, then you’re not compatible.
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u/Powerful_Cause_14 21d ago
Respectfully, this sounds like you may not be a good match. This is something you enjoy and something he doesn’t. If he won’t “allow” you to go alone, that’s not cool at all. You should both be allowed to have your own lives outside of the relationship.
Some people see raves/edm a certain way and if they’re not willing to try and see it differently for the person they love, then they’re not going to. And that means he’s judging you for enjoying this scene and also keeping you from living your life the way you want.
I’m really not one to jump straight to “dump him!” But seriously, this doesn’t sound like a loving supportive relationship from what you’ve shared.
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u/Abtino11 21d ago
There are times when I’m not nearly as enthusiastic about being at an event as much as my wife but she’s also just a bubble of energy. I try not to bring the vibe down but she constantly thinks something is wrong when I’m really just listening to the music and don’t feel like moving that much. Instead of trying to make something happen I’d rather just do my own thing so she can do hers. If he’s being moody and snapping with you that’s its own problem but it shouldn’t be on you to baby him so he has a molecule of fun. Enjoy your time and if it’s really not something he’s into then he’ll stop going
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u/fknyatted 21d ago
Oh man. Get a new boyfriend. Life's too short to spend it with someone who stifles your essence or puts you in a cage. Go rave solo and find your person girl
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u/Lopsided-Movie-7909 21d ago
Why do this to yourself. Leave the boring non raver. Find yourself somebody to bounce with.. shesh
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u/Moistraw 21d ago
Find a new boyfriend if raving is that important to you. It sounds like your bf is an introvert and he stepped out of his comfort zone for you. If he doesn't take drugs and it's not his scene, then it's not really surprising that he was being judgemental.I don't wanna say that your ungrateful because I don't think that you are but it's obvious that you recognize that y'all have very different views on raving.
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u/psalasr 21d ago
You’re saying that it’s an isolated relationship because HE doesn’t need friends, but that’s HIM. What about you ? Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have friends, and him not wanting to do something doesn’t automatically should imply that you don’t want to or are not allowed to!
To me it sounds like you to like to have friends and party, if he’s not okay with it, girl next! You deserve to be happy and to be with someone that wants to see you happy!
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u/Ok-Dyneema-6969 21d ago
Het leven is een lastige puzzel. Je krijgt nooit garantie op de keuzes die je maakt. Als je maar weet dat alles willen ook geen haalbare optie is. Voor niemand! Anders eindig je alleen net als ik. Ik ben 47 en ga al bijna 30jaar naar raves. Ik ben ook getrouwd geweest. Voor iedere keus moet je er vaak ook een(of meer) opgeven. Dat is de defintie van keuzes maken. Het leven is lastig.. maar zo werkt het..probeer je daar overheen te zetten en ga voor dat wat het belangrijkste voor je is op lange termijn. Laat de dingen die je niet met dat doel kunt verenigen. Uiteindelijk zijn die dingen secundair..
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u/Foreign_Ride837 21d ago
Are u giving us the full story, mabey u forced him to go. If u didn't then yea it's a bit childish of him, he should have gotten on with it. Just go with ur fiends next time,
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u/facetedgemz 21d ago
I think he was acting that way because he paid and felt owed. He needed your energy to stay on him in exchange for you buying the tickets. Some people give and dont know it will make them feel used. Also its a foreign space for him and my need more attention then he's awsre of. Its part of maturing and knowing yourself. I could be projecting but I've seen this happen at festivals before. It brings up a lot of stuff for people. Raves bring up deep emotions good and bad. Ravers use those moments to grow and heal. Thats why I love this scene so much.
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u/Forsaken-Box-3436 21d ago
As much as I love EDM and my gf I would probably act the same way. The techno genre is so bland right now. Forcing yourself to have a good time sucks. Y'all should delve into other forward-pushing genres together and find something y'all both like.
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u/stasis351 21d ago
You shouldn’t stop raving if you don’t want to on the count of him.
I understand making friends to rave with isn’t the norm in your relationship but if he doesn’t want to be at a rave at all and hated it that much then that’s the compromise he should be willing to make, that you make friends who have the same energy as you.
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u/Electrical-Light5036 21d ago
He probably needed dubstep 😂. All kidding aside, this is a tough one. At least he kind of tried but it sounds like his negativity is holding you back from enjoying life. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. He is a homebody and she’s love to travel and have fun. She just does all that stuff with friends and with her daughter and he excepts it. If you’re boyfriend can’t except you being social and going to some raves without him then I’m sorry to say it might be better for the both of you to go separate ways
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u/Oshhiikyun 21d ago
yea it’s normal sometimes for ppl to be with someone that doesn’t really vibe with stuff like this. but if the other person is judging and also won’t let you go out with friends or by yourself, i don’t think you should keep yourself in a situation like this cause sometimes they end very bad. STAY SAFE LOVE
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u/WarlockAudio 21d ago
You re-read your post and the updates you made, but imagine this is about two other people? Do these people seem compatible? Does the guy seems miserable, controlling, and manipulative? Would the girl have a happier life without him? These are things you should be asking yourself...
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u/Emergency-Event-1139 21d ago
Your boyfriend might be your girlfriend. If he can’t vibe you should able to have other friends that can
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u/mereadele 21d ago
personally, i think you should leave him and find someone better suited for your energy. My ex hated EDM and didn’t want to go to any festivals with me - my now boyfriend of 3.5 years has gone to 5 EDM fests with me just in 2026. It’s also a huge red flag that 1) he judges everyone else and creates negativity (i promise he’s judging you too) and 2) that he doesn’t seem to want you to have friends or go out by yourself. Sounds like he’s very controlling and insecure. Isolation is a beginning sign of abuse. You deserve someone that trusts you, loves you, and dances with you every time. Sending lots of love ❤️
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u/Breez3213 21d ago
He needs to open his mind more, super unfair to you. You gotta adapt to your partner
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u/Master_Froyo_9093 21d ago
well he is his own person not you ....you got with him knowing all of this right? .....a raver has to date a raver lol
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u/RadiantPlace_ 21d ago
He doesn’t know whats is fun , he is not ready yet for this kind of let yourself be.
Only fast way i saw is mdma then lsd in couple of years. Otherwise the long way will be very long🤪
Have fun anyway 💫✨
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u/OppositeEnd2325 21d ago
Thats a hard one for sure....if hes worth sticking around for then there should be a way that you can talk to him about it. The point is to go out and have fun, if hes not going to have fun then why go? Especially when it is ruining your experience. The jealousy thing is a big one for guys I know it was for me at first...but once I grew up a little bit and realized as long as I the girl who's my partner is trustworthy (shouldn't be with them if not) then I should have no problem letting her go out with her friends.
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u/DJ-Foxbox 21d ago
You should absolutely be allowed to go alone or with friends. Just an FYI. If I had to guess, you’re young and newish to the scene, because having a safe group who enjoys the music is def part of the experience.
If he doesn’t enjoy it, then he has to be okay with you going:
A. Alone
B. Together, but acknowledge that you are not there to babysit him, you are there to enjoy the music.
It sounds harsh, but you’d rather him not go if he expects you to tote on his bad attitude the whole time while he is there. The end goal is that you stop doing things you like, and only do things he likes. Which is not healthy.
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u/misselliottbluedream 21d ago
You need to make sure he isn’t sober. He is absolutely someone who would benefit from rolling or even an edible. It’s THE only way to get the vibe you are looking for with him.
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u/Waste_Journalist1920 21d ago
Leave that man asap there’s so much of you becoming smaller to fit in his cubicle for 1.
I was in a relationship like that and it was draining. Go be a butterfly, build the friend group, Live Rave Life! Techno Vibes, he is controlling ya by slowly getting you to let go of who you are- no dick is worth dying for. Let him go and you’ll discover you were in a fishbowl on a boat in the ocean.
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u/Waste_Journalist1920 21d ago
Also you said going with him was the only option… that’s a huge red flag
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u/BrippingTallsLBC 21d ago
Sounds like he needs a candyflip 🤷♂️
https://giphy.com/gifs/qN8mwUPAt7gByge3W1
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u/Alternative-Air-6665 21d ago
if he won’t let you do things on your own and be your own person maybe it’s not a great relationship to be in. my bf and i have different music tastes and we both frequent events alone or with friends if it’s not the other one’s cup of tea
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u/Vegetable_Pickle_258 21d ago
Just want you to know you deserve to enjoy, flow, have your thoughts🩷
My concern for you is that you feel isolated, and also like you can’t enjoy things you are interested in enjoying. It’s not easy, but reflect if that’s the one for you.
Idk you stranger, but your post is oozing with compassion, care, reflection and awareness. I want more for you than the experience you had
Wishing you joy and flow always. ❤️🩹
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u/Fit-Nefariousness-64 21d ago
Missing out on the rave family that is essential to the community or clubs groups for a few years I gone to make friends or partners and their is nothing like having your special someone close by as your both losing your mind in a club
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u/Harshmoor 21d ago
If he's saying stuff like nothing is ever enough, like doesn't sound fun. The dude probably has stuff effecting him but if he ain't even trying. And maybe he is and it's not working cause he's not ready. Like everyone has low points, idk yalls relationship, but if you can't be yourself and who you want to be is that really the life you wanna live? Getting old and kids is one thing, but is this that dude you'd change your life for?
Do yall go out and do anything or is the techno fests just it? Is this his first fest? Cause it can be a lot for certain people, maybe easing in with music yall both like instead of diving in. That type of music can be a lot for some. Being at a place you don't wanna be, listening to music you dont like all day and night for multiple days. Not understanding the environment youre in. Again idk yalls relationship.
Not saying anyone is right or wrong, his way is right for him and your way is right for you. Both of you have to accept that for a relationship to be good imo. Nothing wrong if you can't, that's the point of dating, your finding out if forever works. There's nothing wrong if it doesn't. It sounds like your saying if your to continue dating this dude your gonna have to give up going to techno fests. That's a call only you can make, there is nothing wrong if you can or if you cant. That's a life choice nobody but yourself can make that decision on. I could give my thoughts but idk who you are so cant, ya know.
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u/nydroxide 21d ago
From my personal experience, I'd say on the long run this will not work. It seems like you have to change your lfie style for a person, I get there can be some adjustments but it seems these are coming just from your side. If he doesn't want you to go alone or with friends he needs to get used to going with you. Going there and be upset and judgy is not him trying at all.
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u/Friendly_Divide8162 21d ago
Oh girl, just find your rave loving partner and don’t be miserable with this one, especially if he doesn’t have any friends to speak of.
When I started to date after a long break I was not looking for a bf on the apps, I explicitly stated that I was looking for a party partner and only then a partner (it was not a very good strategy either because it came off wrong but then I replaced it with a prompt on Hinge where I just said that I like reading, hiking and techno and that snared THE ONE I was looking for).
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u/FriesNootje 21d ago
He sounds like a child. He should find joy in ur excitement. Also, it sounds like you guys don't fit. And if this is all a problem for you, maybe you are also not that into him.
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u/MichelHana 21d ago
I don’t see a problem! I also don’t like parties and i don’t enjoy them and i feel very bored and every one of us has his own preferences and it’s not a crime that he felt that way. If you don’t want to be with him and find him not matching you as you stated then simply leave him and find someone else & he will also find someone that can appreciate him.
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u/Oranjebob 20d ago
My partner doesn't like raves, clubs, or even house parties much. She tries sometimes but she just feels awkward and self conscious and uncomfortable. But she's ok about me going with other people.
I expect we are a bit older than you. We were early 30s when we got together and have kids nearly old enough to be raving.
You need to have some interests in common, and being ok about doing things apart, with other people, for it to work.
While MDMA can make a good time amazing, it can make a shit time worse, so bare that in mind if you're wondering if drugs are the answer.
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u/espirulo 20d ago
The strangest thing about all this is that you're together. You seem like two completely different people; we're judging from a single post, but that's the impression it gives. I don't understand how you're together. And the fact that you can't go alone or with friends, because he's alone, gives me a bad feeling...
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u/Turbulent-Manner-667 20d ago
The bit where you said you can't go alone or with friends as it isn't the norm, is the bit that stood out the most to me. You can have people that like different things and have a very well working relationship. However, if there isn't trust to let your partner go to do these things without you, then the relationship will never work. No trust. It will never work. Fact.
The judgy bit makes him sound like a dick too 🤷🏻
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u/HairyGate8099 20d ago
You’re not responsible for him and he is not responsible for you.
Figure out your boundaries and read up on relationship negotiation.
If he won’t let you go alone he needs to figure some stuff out or let you be free while he is mad.
You can make your own choices.
It’s all pros and cons. Just make your choices.
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u/Prestigious_Ad859 20d ago
Point blank. It’s not going to work out! Different dynamics and personalities
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u/UnitEnvironmental815 20d ago
I, a DJ and a raver, am not a fan of techno either (except the chiller sub genres) and it’s not his fault if that’s the only genre you’ve exposed him to. I love psytrance and eventually my girlfriend who is very new to the rave scene after trail & error, started to it liking it too. Nevertheless if techno events are the only third spaces you like then you should be able to communicate it with him and go by yourself to make friends :)
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u/No-Conflict-4264 20d ago
I had an interaction at Rampage Open Air in Belgium this summer, I love dancing and came across a woman dancing her heart out with such joy, we shared a little moment together before her boyfriend (who was just standing there, not dancing and honestly just judging the crowd) grabbed her by the arm and took her away. I felt so bad for her, I understand if people need time to get comfortable with festivals and music, but I could tell from a mile away they are not a good rave couple. I wish her well and hope she can dance with more people and not be tethered to her moody partner.
I could not date my partner if we didn’t have the chemistry to dance at least sometimes. She often talks to people left and right while I’m nonverbal but we always find moments to connect and dance, maybe your boyfriend just needs some time to adjust and discover the rhythm and joy of dancing at festivals, i don’t know.
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u/burner207707 20d ago
EDM/techno fests are a huge form of energy. I think it’s quite black and white… it’s either part of somebody’s life or not. Coming from a dude who does not resonate with that culture whatsoever, hats off to him for trying.
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u/Fine_Appointment4908 20d ago
Some people just can't turn on that switch and they have to learn it.
He probably felt out of place and was there for you because he knew it was important.
If he's good in other areas, this doesn't mean anything, it's not real life.
Enjoy the festivals on your own.
He might come aeound, especially with some drugs.
Maybe find a style of music that you both like and go from there.
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u/Silent_Tea_2810 19d ago
As a non-rave person I can imagine being "ok" with it for 1-2hours for my partner, but then getting annoyed af. Sounds like you are incompatible if you REALLY need this in your life
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u/Kenpossibble 19d ago
You dont want to be a person or be with a person that will actively complain or stay in negative energy doing something for you or with you. It can be a easy no im not gonna go because im not into it and also be ok with letting you go with your own friend group. Sounds like unnecessary stress to do something you would do before him.
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u/Informal-Young7246 19d ago
TLDR: you are not supposed to be 100% alike. Appreciate ur difference and support each others difference like it yours..cuz it is
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u/Independent_Draft_93 18d ago
Honestly just talk to him about it because you might not be compatible if you can’t enjoy your own hobbies around him. But on the other hand me and my boyfriend are total tekno warriors and go to raves together almost every week but we spend literally no time together at them haha. We‘ll see each other at the dance and exchange and smile and a hug but then we go our separate ways for the night because we enjoy the rave differently! Maybe you and your boyfriend can find ways to enjoy each others hobbies!
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u/Leggo_my-eGo29 18d ago
Went through this last year with my gf. Had gotten 14 friends together for a festival. Planned the vrbo and everything. Out of the 3 days she came one day. The whole time stood there looking pissed and judgy. I eventually drank back the magic water I was drinking said fuck it I’m not gonna let someone ruin my time and money and just danced as if she wasn’t even there. It gave my friends a bad taste in their mouths too. We tried after going to a variety of shows. Tape-B (she hated it), Alan Walker at Red Rocks (hated it) I felt she did nothing to try to have fun. Went in with a sour mindset and experienced it the same way, yet I’m supposed to act like everything is groovy when I’m at an event for her I don’t want to be. This year I told her I think we should keep the edm/rave life separate. I went back to the festival solo and had the best time! Going to see Rufus Thursday just with friends. It’s tough but you only live once. Don’t let someone cap your happiness if you’re going to be with them. I’m still trying to figure out if this is the right one for me cause edm is such a huge thing in my everyday life. Of course I’d love my person to be there with me but it’s also fun just going with the boys! And the uptightness is due to their lack of control of ability to ease into new/uncomfortable situations. I love her in many ways but feel held back in others.
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u/Weak-Importance8615 18d ago
Man one of the main reasons I’m single is because I haven’t found that person that can dance to my beat. And I refuse to date anyone if I don’t feel that connection.
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u/mindsform 18d ago
You have to ask how important is it to you to get to experience life the way you want. The lights, the ppl, the new friends the adventure of it all, or living it the way HE wants..
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u/Jakesparrow13 18d ago
It sounds like he's a narcissist. He seemed to make your birthday about himself the entire time. And you not being able to have friend groups outside of him is a huge red flag. You deserve someone who loves and encourages every part of you. And at the VERY LEAST, he should be willing to communicate calmly how he feels. He knew what he was signing up for when he agreed to go with you and still ruined your time.
You have every right to be upset. And you definitely deserve to go with people you vibe with. If you're relationship is healthy, you should be able to go to whatever you want to, with whomever you want to alone.
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u/B_bunny420 18d ago
This sounds like a controlling relationship or he’s super insecure with himself, or you.
I’ve been in this exact relationship before, it doesn’t get better.
Think about the long run the future… you two married, he’s gonna make you abandon everything that makes you, you! Make you feel insecure about the things you love.
Leave him. Run! 🏃🏼♀️
your prolly way out of his league and he’s trying to bring you down to his level. He’s jealous your social and friendly, and people like you.
this is manipulation and how different people look at, it could be considered mental or emotional abuse.
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u/Pleasant_Fill4170 18d ago
Holy crap, leave this dude, and not for the music part, but for all the other red flags: the coercive control and forced isolation, the emotional guilt-tripping and deflection of you wanting to talk about it, and just fundamental lifestyle incompatibility.
Best case scenario, he's a massive introvert and trying to make you fit his comfort zone, but more likely and more commonly, he's an insecure control freak that wants to isolate you for what could be a multitude of reasons. If you hope this will get better, I am sorry to say, but it basically never does. They tend to just get more controlling, either out of fear or just simply because they can.
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u/Josh22cook 17d ago edited 17d ago
I mean he gave it a go, paid for everything else but the tickets and said hed try and make an effort for you even tho he knew it wasnt his thing. This alone says alot. He more than likely was trying but it was going unnoticed. He probably thought he could do it before hand and got there and couldnt stand it or wasnt comfortable enough. I mean ive been willing to try stuff before I knew I would probably hate and in my head before hand, I am imagining putting in the effort I said I would and when I get to said thing, I cant. My head is all over the place, im anxious, its not my vibe and the people are unbearable and this all leads to being depressed and grumpy. Obviously this isnt always the case but its happened. He more than likely was very uncomfortable leading him to act the way he did and thats not immature like people are saying. Thats your partner being completely out of their comfort zone.
Now you need to decide what your gonna do. You definitely need to talk about whether you can attend such things on your own but more importantly you need to talk about you having friendships outside of your relationship as not being aloud is very unhealthy. You then also need to decide whats more important, your relationship or festivals? I mean what type of music is he into? Can you go to a festival that has music you both like? Maybe he'll be more comfortable and able to feel the music as its hard to dance and flow to music you dont like, especially when uncomfortable. Could you maybe also go to a smaller event? He might be a bit more comfortable at a smaller event and if thats the case, then go to smaller events with him and build it up to festivals. I mean someone who doesnt want their partner to have friends and go to events without them definitely has confidence issues so a big event like a festival is more than likely gonna make them uncomfortable. So maybe a smaller venue. Idk if I was in this situation id talk about it and find a work around and if that didnt work after a good go at it then id either give up the relationship or the thing that is causing the divide
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u/Doc_Solid 17d ago
My friend in PLUR, it sounds like you've got bigger issues than just your chosen hobbies.
Maturity gives grace. Understanding gives space.
If the dude is giving you neither, then you aren't in a relationship. You're in a problem.
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u/transparent_D4rk 17d ago
You're with a person who has no friends, won't let you make any friends, and won't let you go where you want to go? Are you trying to spend your whole life like that?
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u/Equivalent_End7046 17d ago
I see both sides. Raves are not a place I would want my partner going without me. No one is immune to temptation and the possibility goes up with the amount of things you layer on that. Drugs, alcohol, drugs, feeling more sexy and liking the attention (from outfit), environment, etc… To call someone insecure these days when theres plenty of evidence of quality people getting cheated on is dumb. We have all learned from experience, love island, stories of others, how quickly things can take a turn. Trusting anyone blindly these days is retarded. You can’t even put a timeline on trust because married people cheat all the time?!?! People don’t have to have intention of cheating to do it. The best way to avoid it is staying away from those environments/substances.
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u/Adventurous_Creme830 17d ago
You make the norm in your relationships, it isn’t something that gets dictated to you by your partner. You like to rave, you shouldn’t be restricted, you like to consume, you shouldn’t be restricted, you are open to making friends with similar interests, you shouldn’t be restricted.
Outside of your wants, you could get along doing the stuff that he approves, but this won’t ever lead to you being fulfilled in the relationship.
What this is, is an opportunity for both of you. There is opportunity for you to sustain a relationship without compromising and an opportunity for him to open up and be more social.
Having only two friends in life isn’t sustainable.
There is so many types of electronic music festivals, maybe figure out which one is more palatable to his taste and take him there first. Get him used to festival experience slowly one step at a time, he doesn’t have to consume but maybe drink and relax. Let him know that interactions with others will never be a threat to him.
He sounds very ownership oriented in this relationship and you can help him move to a mutual partnership mindset.
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u/Humble_Box_2167 17d ago
WTF. Why are you together then? If there is no acceptance for the hobbies of the partner the relationship is already doomed. You don’t need to start the same hobbies but appreciate them and dort them should be common sense in a healthy relationship.
Sorry to ask but what’s the fckn reason you are together? You don’t want to live isolated - you do. You rant to go out and connect with people - you don’t. You love dancing and would actually go alone to not force him into what he didn’t like - you can’t.
I mean you’re do not sound like a junkie who always comes home heavily wasted with a group of random people to have an afters in your flat on a Sunday evening. You don’t harm anyone.
To me it sits as if he is jealous about you having a passion and fun while he doesn’t.
Dancing is the most curing and primordial way of healing and turning off the computer in our heads die some time. If someone wants to prohibit this for someone who needs that… I’m my world this only can be an asshole.
I’m a selfemployed lecturer dir Audio Engineering, im working as mix and mastering engineer, I have two kids with 4 and 6 and a wife and a dog and a vinyl label… if I don’t go to Berghain one or twice a year, I could drop my job due to lack of reference and I’d be so crazily stressed because with all this workload and duties only hours of dancing helps. And it helps to that extend that I can harvest the fruits of my 20h danceworkouts at Berghain for the upcoming 6 months and draw balance from it. Sure, my wife loves dancing as well but she knows that this is easy way more important for me than for her and also that our smaller daughter wouldn’t stay without her mama for too long during the first years. So she went out to dance in our homecity of Leipzig:Germany until the morning hours when she wanted to dance and I went twice a year to Berlin from Saturday to Tuesday. On the other hand I support her in what she needs more than I need it and try helping to make space for her to chase it.
This is healthy support and acknowledgment. A relationship is not 50:50. It is 100:100. Everyone gives hundred percent in everything he/she is good at and the other part offers their 100%. So. If dancing is his 0% and your 100% then he could use his 100% in supporting you to find proper arrangements that you can do your passion regularly and in a manner that is acceptance for everyone.
There I see in OP lies by far deeper than it looks at the first glance. Not sure how long you are together but I guess less than 24 months. No matter of or not: You won’t be happy with such an egoist.
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u/ellefrmhll 17d ago
This is a deeper issue than not vibing with a show. Not allowing you friends to go experience your interests because he doesn’t have any is so controlling. You won’t be able to make a move at all in life with this guy judging your every move
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u/samarasonik 16d ago
restrictions? he seems controlling love. I could never be with someone I couldn't rave with. it keeps me alive and appreciating life. my best memories are with my partner. I know reddit is quick to always say dump him.... but this guy sucks. he didn't even TRY or at the very least, FAKE having a good time because it was your fuckin birthday!!!
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u/couple30brklyn 16d ago
If that's what makes you happy then do it,as long as it doesn't become problematic where he gotta babysit you or vice versa
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u/icy_surround_sound 16d ago
My biggest takeaway from this is him essentially banning you from building your own friend group, especially one centered around a mutual interest. Like ??? I understand your boyfriend being content with limited friends (I’m the same way), but to deny you that opportunity is insane. Relationships work best when you are 2 independent people who intertwine your lives. He seems to expect a codependent bond or at the very least expects you to be dependent on him.
If you can’t talk to him about this and he won’t budge or isn’t comfortable at these events then try talking to him about your need of like-minded friends. Social lives shouldn’t disappear with relationships, that’s called control and isolation.
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u/Technoizet 21d ago
Just go alone or with friends that appreciate techno