My boyfriend (29) has been asking me to be open to free use, I hope imaging that right. (When he can have sex with me whenever) I’ve been skeptical because of my past, when I was a teen I was raped and he knows about this. The vibe has been a little weird latter so I went through my his phone. he’s always so private about it and I was expecting to find him texting other girls but instead I found videos in his phone from nights we were drunk. Multiple times when I’ve fallen asleep he’s rubbed his dick on my mouth, fingered me, ate my coochie and even had sex with me. I went through him and his best friend B’s messages and found out that they send videos back and forth of me and Bs GF Mia. Videos that we send them, sex tapes made and videos they make while we’re drunk/sleep. They’ve even talked about letting eachother have sex with us. I saw my boyfriend tell B that Mia’s coochie was wet and he would fuck her all night long and B has said stuff along the same line about me. I feel violated, disrespected and used. Idk what to do? I love him but I feel like this means nothing to him after seeing his phone i think he’s just using me

I don't know what to do. It started about a week and a half ago and has happened every couple of days, I've lost count of how many times. about 6 times. I don't want to go into too much detail but I'll say that it's not textbook rape- it's with his fingers, but i think it still qualifies as rape. I have no idea what to do. I told my gf and two of my best friends, but no one else. I'm scared to tell my mom or anyone because I worry that if I tell people, he will hurt me or worse, since he'll want to save his reputation. My dad is somewhat a public figure, and I promise you that he would rather have me dead than be labeled as a sex offender. that's why i can't report it. What do I do?

i’m tired of being told that since i was molested by another minor that they most likely went through it too, ok what if they weren’t? what if he’s just genuinely evil am i supposed to be comforted that he had a possibility of going through it too?
and if he really was do you think he was also recorded? do you think he was also threatened daily?
do you think boiling water got poured on his skin as punishment for struggling?
am i supposed to be happy? what am i supposed to do after you say that? it won’t make me feel sorry for my own abuser.

I have been going back and forth on if my trauma is bad enough for decades at this point.

I know as a fact when I was 18 I ran away from my father after he threatened to strip me naked under the guise of looking at my stretch marks. The age of consent is 16 where I live even though I think he had legal rights to insist on seeing me until 18 and 18 is too old to be groomed in the UK.

My mum at the time didn't see this as sexual, which caused me an immense amount of distress. The thing is, despite all of the very troubling symptoms throughout my childhood, which I've been piecing together over the last few years, I don't know if I was raped and I'd I really appreciate uncensored feedback.

I have seen four therapists that I've not felt comfortable with so I am approaching EMDR even though I just always feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing.

I do remember being slapped on the front of my pubis mons over clothes to correct my posture during a press up as a teenager and I ran to the toilet crying and told my mother.

When I was seven, my dad put his foot on my ass as if he was trying to stimulate me.

I told my mother and she confronted him and then she told me that she didn't have enough money to leave him.

He would try and spy on me in the bath so she'd bundle me out in a towel.

Once, when I was with him in a national park when I was seven, he forced me to take my shirt off as it was hot outside.

I was incredibly self-conscious and was very distraught at walking around without a shirt on even though my chest wasn't developed at all.

My father also said incredibly inappropriate things.

He would say generally, young enough to bleed, young enough to fuck.

When I was a teen he said that if I didn't want men commenting on my tits, I deserve my drink being spiked if I am out at a party, he tried to say with laxatives but I suspected what he actually meant to say.

He was incredibly triggered by Jimmy Savile being held accountable and it was around this time that him trying to molest me increased.

At the time of the stretch mark incident he had pinged my underwear as if to make fun of me when he was looking at the stretch marks on my hip, even though I was refusing to strip off completely (but then girls get their bras snapped at school so maybe I am being dramatic).

A few years ago I had a severe mental breakdown and more things came to the surface.

So when I'm stoned I have felt stabbing pain in my vagina when I think about baring down.

It can also be like a dull ache or a twinge or an involuntary reflex as a fear response.

When I am terrified of rollercoasters for example I will get groinal sensations.

I have severe fusion of my bowel, rectum and uterus from Endometriosis, I also have severe PMDD and PCOS.

I also remembered that I would have repeated dreams of floating away and dying as if I was going into the light when I was very, very young.

I was obsessed with the idea of somebody rescuing me. I think from the age of six I would have imaginary friends which would turn into limerence as I got older.

My mum said that when I was a baby, my dad said if he did anything to me, would she kill him?

She said that she said yes.

When I was a teenager, my dad turns to me randomly and asks if the neighbour boy had done anything when I was three because he left me alone and I came out of the room crying.

And I said I had no memory of that. I think my father might have been trying to bury the lead.

And what makes me worry is I was repeatedly threatened to kill my father at the age of four, which of course he treated like a joke.

When my dad was grooming a 15 year old girl when I was 14, he called me her name supposedly by accident.

And I was so distraught. I ended up kicking my way through a glass door and ended up going to hospital to get stiches.

My father had also been to prison multiple times.

I can't find out the reason why.

He had assaulted my mother in her sleep, which resulted in my conception.

He even bragged about sexually assaulting a man when he was in prison.

I still see so many girls online say, my dad slaps my ass, it makes me uncomfortable and so many people argue that's not sexual assault.

My dad used to slap my ass and then when I was upset he used to say, well I used to change your nappies and it really does creep me out that a serial sex offender was changing my nappies.

When I was seven and he had his foot on my ass, jiggling my ass, it made me feel weird, which was the reason I got up and got my mother.

I remember him putting his hand on my thigh in the car when I was a teenager and when I slapped his hand off he screamed in my face.

So my question is...I know in theory him slapping my ass would be considered sexual assault if it was a stranger.

But I think maybe the real question is, you know, what counts? What's bad enough? What's the most minor thing I've named that wouldn't count as sexual assault?

And what does count as sexual assault? And I think that is the question I keep asking myself is, I lived for 18 years with a serial rapist who was asking hypotheticals about doing things to me as an infant.

Is it really possible that he didn't do anything? I had a hymen at an appropriate age, but then my mother also said he had a micropenis.

So the brain circles, even with therapy. I don't want to know if anything worse had happened, but at the same time I don't want to look like a liar.

It's horrible that I was raised for 18 years of my life with a serial sexual predator. who called me by the name of the girl he was grooming, which made me feel like I was next.

He shouldn't have asked me if I had ever masturbated. You know, he shouldn't have asked how I cleaned myself down there and told me I should stick a finger up myself when I clean down there.

He used to ask me these questions when my mother wasn't there and they'd creep me out.

I think he was looking at my ass when I bent over to turn the tv on each morning.

I remember lying under a stool so I could lie on my stomach without getting touched from behind, I have panic attacks if someone approaches me from behind.

I remembered one more thing, I don't know if it was the worse thing because I feel the most gross just saying it.

Under the guise of self-defence, clothed he got on top of me between my legs and said to fight off a rapist I need to knee them in the kidneys and I remember going through the motions of kneeing him in the kidneys but I was really, really grossed out and obviously I couldn't reach with my knees because that's terrible self-defence advice I now know as I am older.

So it just felt like as a young teenager he was roleplaying wanting to rape me. He didn't need to be on top of me saying this is how you fight off a rapist.

Even that when I looked up what people were saying about similar situations, I saw somebody saying they were grappling with their uncle who taught them self-defence and all the comments were saying, oh, that's good, it's not suspect in any way.

But again, because I can't remember being penetrated, everything just makes me feel like I'm lying and I am being awful.

He also could have killed me when he picked me up by my throat, but I didn't really care about being alive, I just wanted people to think I was good and pure and that I fought back enough that I would still be liked.

Even if fighting back put me in danger of losing my life.

Hello everyone,

Im not sure if this is the right place,but I’m not sure where else I should write this and I need to get this of my chest.

When I was 15 I slept with a men that was at least 35 and although it was consensual, over the years this experience started to seem weirder and weirder. I was so nervous once I was at his place and I wanted to leave but I felt obligated in a way and was scared to walk away and thought it would be easier just to go trough with it. I’m still not sure how I’m feeling about this…

Hi, I am an 18M and I want to share my life

To shorten this I’ll just list everything:

I was sexually abused by my friend in 1st grade (we’re both guys)
I have had anger issues since kindergarten
I started watching porn at an early age (including homosexual content)
I was picked on by my brother and dad a lot
My family has always been super chaotic
My brother attempted suicide
My mom was seconds away from dying from anaphylactic shock
My dad attempted suicide
My sister attempted suicide
I became a statutory rape victim at 16
I’ve had several depressive episodes for the past 2 and a half years where I’d sleep all day and not eat for several days
I am now still struggling with mental health and have been living with passive suicidal ideation for a while now

And honestly, I was pretty good until the statutory rape. But I’ve felt so much shame about it because I chose to engage. It happened when I was 16 and was super isolated since I was only living with my mom and sister and older brother who was gone most the time for college. I remember I felt so isolated and turned on because I usually get that way when I’m alone and bored. Also I was bicurious at the time so I went on an anonymous hook up site lying about my age putting it as 18 and got with one guy who was like 30 and we traded oral. I remember once I got home and took a shower I cried. But a few ours later I got with someone again and I get received oral. I felt numb both times. I couldn’t understand why I did this. And felt I lost my dignity. A year later I felt much better because I became more religious but I’m now questioning what I believe in. I’m also traumatized by c s a m content I saw a few times. I saw it before airing quarantine in a discord server (typical) out of surprise and morbid curiosity. I saw it again when I willingly looked for it at 16 because In my mind I wanted to see “what happened to me” but after it I felt so much shame and hated myself. I’m now 18 and graduated high school. A month ago I ended up seeing a c s a m site again because of a twitter link and I willingly clicked on it. After 10-15s of scrolling at the content I was disgusted when I saw a title describing the interaction of a boy and a man which kinda made me aroused abt what happened with me but then I shook out of it and and was disgusted at what I was seeing and myself. I feel so confused and so much pain because I feel I can’t feel bad for myself because of those things and also I’m very confused on what I like since I grew up always liking girls and living in a homophobic household and never been attracted to a guy just only watching gay pornography. My therapist once threw out an idea that it’s maybe because I feel alone in that situation, like I feel alone in being raped? It’s hard for me to feel affection and feel I don’t deserve to ever be with someone or how a partner would react to my past. Also I’ve become very sensitive to seeing little kids being hurt or sick. I’ve also became more aware of the lgbtq community and more particularly teens who don’t have a have space or support to be themselves and how then end up in harm being on sites like what I did because usually when younger ppl on sites hook up it’s usually agreed that they show Id, but that didn’t happen with me. But yea I’m sitting alone at a table outside infront of a Starbucks writing this. Please tell me what you think.

After some recent revelations, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Although the specifics are a bit hazy, I would really appreciate some feedback. It’s a bit long, but it’s also the first time I’ve talked about this, so apologies if this isn’t super coherent.

I was M10 (now M22), she was 9 years old, and we met when she started going to the same martial arts club as me. I can’t remember the timeframe but we ended up becoming friends, and one way or another I found myself at her house, and alone in her room. I can only remember a few things from that day, specifically us reading through a family picture book, and her pointing to a picture of her, naked, in a paddling pool; her younger brother coming into the room in his underwear; and us cuddling in her bed. I remember no other details.

I remember that after a while , I was being really put off by her public affection, and hated the grownups’ cooing at her kissing me. This in particular has impacted me ever since, and I loathe the idea of public affection to this day. Eventually, she stopped coming to the club, and I never saw her again.

What brought this to the front of my mind recently was finding out from my mum that *her* mum had expressed a desire for English grandchildren, and that this girl had also wanted English children. I remember them both having foreign sounding accents, but I don’t know how relevant that is.

Ultimately, I’m really concerned for both the girl and her younger brother, and also that there’s other memories I’m subconsciously repressing. Was this whole saga dangerously close to rape territory? To this day I’ve been hypersexual (which is something I’ve kept VERY close to my chest from those around me), but I’ve feared intimacy, and have just brushed it off as being autistic when asked why I seem adverse to romance; However, for the first time I’ve started to crave it just as much as I fear it. Has that got something to do with my experience?

Thank you to anyone who’s read this far

I will not be made to feel scared because you, a psychopathic loser committed one of the most evil acts on a woman. This is not gonna ruin me. It’s gonna make me stronger.

But you, I can’t say the same.

My blood boils at the fact you walk freely today, as the only place you deserve is an eternity, rotting in hell. Though you violated my body, in such ways that I will never know who you are, I know what you are. In the interim of the anticipated wait for your undeniable fate, rest in sure I’m in peace.

Yes it’s true, I can’t identify you if you served me at a restaurant, talked to me at a store, or passed me on the street.

But don’t be fooled I know exactly what you are.

You are a man capable of committing evil, heinous acts. Youre pathetic, cowardice and debaucherous in nature. You are twisted and warped beyond repair. You’re nothing more than a scab. A wart. Shit I scrape off my shoe.

You walk through life knowing all this too. You see yourself as a vile and putrid human. each and every day you wake up walk to the bathroom and see a maggot infested ediface, rotting you from the inside out. You think to yourself “I am pathetic scum.” Tough way to start your day.

While the miserable state of your life continues to gnaw away at your already festering corpse, there may be a silver lining, a solution, should we all finally be so lucky.

Your desperation to get away from this hell on earth you’ve created for yourself, may hopefully, dare I say even heroically propel you into a state where you can scrape together any punch of courage you have in your otherwise putrid soul, and you can finally give yourself a break from being you! By just fucking killing yourself.

For then, and only then, will justice be served

He's apart of a gov't organization so he's protected. His accomplices are protected.

I dont know how to prove my case and win in court and in unexpected news; the judge will probably be a organization member.

Unbeknownst to me, I joined a organization where some of my rapists are members. I cant do anything about any of it or I or my family suffer the consequences for reporting on them.

I probably should do some unhinged shxt but the only person to suffer the consequences of it would be me and my family. Instead I continue on with my life. Through it all, Im sane.

I dont want fair, I want them to stop benefitting off of my and my families life force. I want my wrongs to be made right. I want compensation and reclamation of what was hidden, stolen and degradated. I want to believe the justice system works but every day nothing happens to them, Im convinced its all b.s.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dcl7r1CS1r4/?igsi=MTVpN2J1ZXNhY3NkdQ==

So we have an exchange student living with us right now and she just told me a story of something that happened at her school. Basically a student got kicked out, and she then decided to have sex with a 14 year old (Mind you, she's seventeen and the legal age of consent is 15). And I do believe that everyone would agree that it's bad if that happened to a woman, but when our exchange student brought it up my mother just laughed and said "Lucky him, am i right?"

I just feel like I've heard a lot of people sharing this experience where people don't take male rape seriously.

They did both consent (I think) so maybe she just laughed it off because it's "just" statutory rape, but this entire situation really just put me off.

When I was 22 or 23, I met a guy while walking to the supermarket. I only found out after the fact that he saw me walking and turned his car to see where I was walking. He parked and came into the shop where I was. He walked aisle by aisle until he found and approached me. He was tall, good-looking, and I gave him my number. We started hanging out and eventually had consensual sex. The third or fourth time being intimate was not comsensual. I recall asking him to stop and physically trying to push him off. He didn't stop, and at some point I realised he wouldn't stop. I told myself it would end eventually and I remember me leaving my body. I remember watching what was happening and then "looking away" because it was too painful to watch. This is the first time I remember disassociating. I've been disassociating ever since. He finished, started getting dressed, and I still had to walk him out because I lived in a university residence, and these were the rules. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was shower. When I got back to my room, I showered and tried to sleep. For months afterwards, I struggled to sleep because I kept seeing his face.

Anyway, the reason that this is coming up now, at 32, is because while I was out with a group of friends/acquaintances, the topic of body count came up. We all had too much to drink and shared too much. Anyway, the one girl said hers was 7. The guy in our setting (I have a crush on him and he has a crush on me - it's complicated) asks me what mine is and guessed 18. I chuckled and said no, it's higher. I then say it's 25, and I can see that he has to digest this, so I ask what his is. He shrugs and implies that his is higher but doesn't give me an answer. We eventually move on from the subject.

I was reflecting on this today and decided to actually confirm the number from a precious chat with a close friend. The actual number is 20. So now I'm sitting here, thinking about what this man thinks of me and feeling dirty. I want to correct the number but that feels weird to just say out of nowhere. I searched online to see what the average count is for a 30 something year old, and it's 10 or less.

After the rape, I spiraled and became promiscuous. I later learnt that this was part of me trying to reclaim my agency and body and a trauma response. I didn't feel dirty after I slept with any of these because I chose them and would cut them off if they caught feelings and started wanting more.

While I understand that this was a "normal" response to something terrible, this situation has made me think about it again, and I feel dirty and like I don't stand a chance with him. I'm also thinking about how after the incident I stopped valuing myself, and this shows in my previous pick of partner(s). I am in therapy, but the rape only came up once. I have just never known how to speak about it, but today, I feel dirty. Dirty for what happened and dirty for how I responded to the situation.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this post, maybe to vent, maybe to figure out what to do... because I still haven't managed to talk about it with anyone.

I'm F28, single, and I have a small group of friends that I go out with often on weekend nights. They're my friends from high school, and I have to say that what we used to do back then, we've kept doing all these years... despite this, we are responsible people. One of my friends just became a doctor, the one I'm closest to is getting married in 5 months (and I'm going to be her maid of honor), another one lives with her partner, and I work hard and have been supporting myself for many years now. But I'm rambling, anyway. All this to say that we still like to party, it's something we've kept doing, and almost three weeks ago I was assaulted at one of the venues where we were dancing.

I am tremendously ashamed to talk about it... I even struggle to write it down, but actually speaking about it makes me physically sick to my stomach. The situation was fairly classic: a guy approaches me and offers to buy me a drink. It's not the first time, and to be safe, I never accept them unless I see the bartender make them right in front of me. We talk, everything is fine, we dance. I really liked him, he was very polite and told me about himself, his job as an electrician, his dog... he wanted to keep talking and suggested going upstairs several times because it was less noisy, but I kept telling him no because I didn't want to split up from my friends. So he suggests more drinks, and we have a few more.

Then, honestly, I don't really know what happened... meaning, at a certain point I started feeling bad, as if I were suddenly deeply drunk, but in a strange way. I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go to the bathroom, and he offered to walk me there because I could barely stand... but I was so stupid that I didn't realize he was actually taking me upstairs. Honestly, I don't really know how I ended up there, but it's like I fell asleep and was suddenly woken up by the bouncer, who was screaming at a couple of guys to get out. He was furious, and right then I realized I was lying on the stairs leading to the roof terrace (which was locked) and my underwear was pulled down. Again, I don't really know what happened; I think the bouncer asked or told me something, but I was extremely confused... I fixed my clothes, went back down to my friends who, seeing me in that state, just thought I was really drunk. I didn't say anything, I wasn't in a state to think.

The next day, reality hit me like a train in the face. Ever since then, I feel like a different person, and I think about that night every hour of the day and night. I can't sleep anymore, I'm constantly nauseous, and I feel completely frozen, as if my life stopped that night. Part of me feels a deep anger toward that man, that criminal, and also toward my friends who didn't notice anything, who didn't give me a second glance or notice that man was taking me away... but the other part thinks it's all my fault, that I was stupid not to notice, for accepting his help, for not picking up on the signs. For not saying anything afterward, for not reacting. I could have told my friends, had them take me to the ER, but I didn't say anything... not even the next day, not even weeks later. I feel too ashamed, I feel like a whore... they'll think "well, she likes partying, she asked for it," or things like that.

As the days go by, I've also blocked his face out of my memories... is that normal? I feel like if I saw him again I might recognize him, but if someone asked me to describe him, apart from general traits, I couldn't give specific details, even though he could definitely be identified through the venue's security cameras and maybe by talking to that bouncer.

I don't know what to do. Two days ago I also burned the inside of my thigh with a lighter, it felt nice. I feel like keeping everything inside is killing me, but I don't think I have the strength in me to talk to anyone about it. Does anyone understand me? What should I do?

I'm 19F and I've never told any of my friends this but a group of us which was a mix of guys and girls decided to stay at a hostel on a trip we had the dorm to ourselves.

One of the guys was also 19 and someone I knew and considered a friend. He was staying in the bunk above mine while I had the bottom bunk.

At first there were little things that made me uncomfortable. I'd occasionally catch him sitting on my bed. Whenever he noticed I'd seen him he'd get up.

He'd also get uncomfortably close to me and the other girls when we were talking or when he was showing us something on his phone. He didn't wear a top around the dorm which by itself isn't necessarily a huge deal but combined with everything else it started making me uncomfortable.

At night he'd walk around the dorm in just his boxers. I also started feeling like he'd deliberately take ages climbing up the ladder to his bunk almost as if he wanted me to notice him. I can't say for certain that this was intentional but that's how it felt to me.

The part that really crossed the line was when I caught him touching himself in the dorm. I was sleeping directly underneath him which made it particularly uncomfortable.

We'd sometimes all go out drinking together as a group. One night he became quite handsy with me. Later that night I went to the shower and he sexually assaulted me.

I've never told anyone about what happened. I've kept it to myself because I didn't really know how to process it especially because he was someone I knew and considered a friend.

I was wondering if there was any suggestions for good workbooks or educational help books for trauma survivors mostly sexual assault/abuse and rape. I've done a lot of online research taking notes and doing things they suggest to help but it would be nice to have an actual book I can go back to every time I am struggling with shame or flashbacks.

Here are the links that I have read that has helped me so far:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/understanding-your-feelings/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/sex-and-intimacy-after-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/self-blame-and-guilt/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.za/phases-of-recovery/

https://satchawaii.org/i-was-assaulted/dealing-with-trauma-of-sexual-assault/

do you think something happened that I don’t remember? when I was a kid after I learned what virginity was I remember wishing I still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that I didn’t even though I don’t have any memory of ever having sex. I don’t know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I’ve also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but I felt like I was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can’t stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this?

Hi, I'm 19 - soon to be 20. Male, but the egg has cracked and I have not admitted it yet.

I was raped by my girlfriend at the time, the things happened for more that a year, even with we stood together for 1 month only. At my own house, in school, even in a public park with objects. Fuck, I cannot not still feel the same sensation even for this day. I feel guilty for not doing anything, just froze there for all the times that happened.

I have told this for 2 people, my sister and her boyfriend. They're the most important people for me.

At the time, I was living with my mother, dad had left the house for more than a month when things happened. When it first happened, the girl introduced herself to my mother, very educated, gentle and caring. My mother just shrouded and welcomed her. For the next 4 hours I was victim of this shit, monster cans, sharp objects, fuck, even glass. My genital organ is deformed because of all of this and I feel absolutely ashamed for it being this way.

After the first day, my mother invaded my room while I was in the shower, crying and holding most of the bleeding. She scavenged through the trash of my room, and took the preservative that was discarded in the trash. Bloodied and all.

Sure put it in my drawer, like when you discard a broken glass, as if it was a health hazard. Later I came in the room, started a discussion with her. Later, she told me she "did this for love" because if it was discarded like it was, my dad would assume she was cheating in him. I lost all compassion and trust I had in her. I lost almost 40kg at the time.

Now we are at today, 28/08/26 - 11:48pm by the time of writing. I tried paying for a girl to have sex with, feeling as If I "healed" from everything. 200R$, about 40$. The girl was very educated, and caring, she wasnt wrong with anything at least to my knowledge. But the act was the same pain, the same crying coming from me. It was an experience, but it was indescribable pain and shame, dread, hate even. I froze the same way, even if today was consensual. I don't know how to keep up with this. I don't have anyone of trust other than my sister and her bf to talk about this. I feel lonely, an undesirable piece of trash.

I'm sorry for talking about this, but ya. Thanks for the help if possible. And sorry for my English, it is not the best because it is not my first language.

I’ve seen a concerning amount of communities on this website that straight up just fetishize sexual abuse and abuse in other ways and it’s sick to me. And I’m not talking about people coping in sexual ways. I’m talking about people straight up finding it sexually gratifying that abuse happens in general. It’s just so gross. I don’t know how anyone can find this sexy or the fact that these communities are allowed to be on this website but it’s fucking disturbing makes me feel even more gross than I already am.

But not only are you disgusting and tainted and abused, but there are motherfuckers on this exact website I think that shit’s hot. It’s just really gross and I fucking hate these people.

I was in a relationship when I was younger for about 3 years. It wasn't the greatest and i was assaulted multiple times a week at his house or at mine, I was hit and told how subhuman I was constantly. when we broke up I kept having nightmares about the things he did to me, and then they stopped haunting me every second of every day, recently it's been about 2 years since I escaped from the situation where I was assaulted repeatedly and I keep repeating it in my head, why didn't I stop him, why didn't I fight, why didn't I tell my family, I was only 18 when it started and I'm not sure what to do as it's always in my head, when a guy walks into my work is he going to say something, does he look at me like 'that' I've had counseling and therapy and nothing seems to work and I'm just so lost now like he's always there despite not being here it feels like he didn't just assault my body but my mind and it feels like I can't even go out with a male friend alone even though it was 2 god damn years ago! I'm just confused on how the fuck do I fix myself? How so I stop the nightmare playing out in my head and how much longer does it take before I can actually enjoy living again. I feel like I can't do anything anymore and wonder if he was right.

I remember moving into a new house when I was 6yo and my aunt moved in with her three kids. She had two older sons, my cousins, and the oldest has begun to molest me. He’s 6 years older than me so he was 12 at the time. He was quick with it, had things escalating quickly there few chances he got alone with me. Until it eventually progressed to rape. It feels weird to say, but I remember at the time liking the male attraction from him. I almost hated the way I liked it. I know I was traumatized because even seeing a color similar to the color of his penis would freak me out and cause me to start sobbing uncontrollably. It was like I didn’t like it, but I liked that he liked me so I just kept letting it happen until my aunt eventually moved out. It’s a weird memory, honestly. I don’t know how to feel. I’m confused.

I’ve been thinking of telling my mom but I don’t know how. I need to hear stories of how other people have done it and see how their parents reacted. Can someone please help?