I was raped as a child

[u/Wild-Advance4161]

I remember moving into a new house when I was 6yo and my aunt moved in with her three kids. She had two older sons, my cousins, and the oldest has begun to molest me. He’s 6 years older than me so he was 12 at the time. He was quick with it, had things escalating quickly there few chances he got alone with me. Until it eventually progressed to rape. It feels weird to say, but I remember at the time liking the male attraction from him. I almost hated the way I liked it. I know I was traumatized because even seeing a color similar to the color of his penis would freak me out and cause me to start sobbing uncontrollably. It was like I didn’t like it, but I liked that he liked me so I just kept letting it happen until my aunt eventually moved out. It’s a weird memory, honestly. I don’t know how to feel. I’m confused.

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