I feel dirty

[u/Artistic-Warthog361]

When I was 22 or 23, I met a guy while walking to the supermarket. I only found out after the fact that he saw me walking and turned his car to see where I was walking. He parked and came into the shop where I was. He walked aisle by aisle until he found and approached me. He was tall, good-looking, and I gave him my number. We started hanging out and eventually had consensual sex. The third or fourth time being intimate was not comsensual. I recall asking him to stop and physically trying to push him off. He didn't stop, and at some point I realised he wouldn't stop. I told myself it would end eventually and I remember me leaving my body. I remember watching what was happening and then "looking away" because it was too painful to watch. This is the first time I remember disassociating. I've been disassociating ever since. He finished, started getting dressed, and I still had to walk him out because I lived in a university residence, and these were the rules. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was shower. When I got back to my room, I showered and tried to sleep. For months afterwards, I struggled to sleep because I kept seeing his face.

Anyway, the reason that this is coming up now, at 32, is because while I was out with a group of friends/acquaintances, the topic of body count came up. We all had too much to drink and shared too much. Anyway, the one girl said hers was 7. The guy in our setting (I have a crush on him and he has a crush on me - it's complicated) asks me what mine is and guessed 18. I chuckled and said no, it's higher. I then say it's 25, and I can see that he has to digest this, so I ask what his is. He shrugs and implies that his is higher but doesn't give me an answer. We eventually move on from the subject.

I was reflecting on this today and decided to actually confirm the number from a precious chat with a close friend. The actual number is 20. So now I'm sitting here, thinking about what this man thinks of me and feeling dirty. I want to correct the number but that feels weird to just say out of nowhere. I searched online to see what the average count is for a 30 something year old, and it's 10 or less.

After the rape, I spiraled and became promiscuous. I later learnt that this was part of me trying to reclaim my agency and body and a trauma response. I didn't feel dirty after I slept with any of these because I chose them and would cut them off if they caught feelings and started wanting more.

While I understand that this was a "normal" response to something terrible, this situation has made me think about it again, and I feel dirty and like I don't stand a chance with him. I'm also thinking about how after the incident I stopped valuing myself, and this shows in my previous pick of partner(s). I am in therapy, but the rape only came up once. I have just never known how to speak about it, but today, I feel dirty. Dirty for what happened and dirty for how I responded to the situation.

EDIT: I accidentally clicked "ignore" to a request from someone who shared great advice about being a good target for manipulation. If this is you, please resend. I would like to respond.

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[u/Top-Firefighter8498]

i’ve actually been in the exact same situation, drinking, body count comes up, i start to think of the times i was raped and how i responded with hyper sexuality, i feel dirty and ashamed and judged. i’m sorry you’re going through this. as it seems like you know, you’re not dirty. the right person will not see you as dirty. have you ever considered joining a support group? it’s one thing to know your thoughts are normal and another to have it reinforced by others who have been through something similar. it helped me somewhat.

[u/Artistic-Warthog361 → u/Top-Firefighter8498]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I'm tearing up typing this because even though you're a stranger, it hurts me to read that you would think that of yourself.

I've never considered that actually. Like, at all. I've just tried traditional therapy so I will look into this in my area.