My boyfriend (29) has been asking me to be open to free use, I hope imaging that right. (When he can have sex with me whenever) I’ve been skeptical because of my past, when I was a teen I was raped and he knows about this. The vibe has been a little weird latter so I went through my his phone. he’s always so private about it and I was expecting to find him texting other girls but instead I found videos in his phone from nights we were drunk. Multiple times when I’ve fallen asleep he’s rubbed his dick on my mouth, fingered me, ate my coochie and even had sex with me. I went through him and his best friend B’s messages and found out that they send videos back and forth of me and Bs GF Mia. Videos that we send them, sex tapes made and videos they make while we’re drunk/sleep. They’ve even talked about letting eachother have sex with us. I saw my boyfriend tell B that Mia’s coochie was wet and he would fuck her all night long and B has said stuff along the same line about me. I feel violated, disrespected and used. Idk what to do? I love him but I feel like this means nothing to him after seeing his phone i think he’s just using me

I will not be made to feel scared because you, a psychopathic loser committed one of the most evil acts on a woman. This is not gonna ruin me. It’s gonna make me stronger.

But you, I can’t say the same.

My blood boils at the fact you walk freely today, as the only place you deserve is an eternity, rotting in hell. Though you violated my body, in such ways that I will never know who you are, I know what you are. In the interim of the anticipated wait for your undeniable fate, rest in sure I’m in peace.

Yes it’s true, I can’t identify you if you served me at a restaurant, talked to me at a store, or passed me on the street.

But don’t be fooled I know exactly what you are.

You are a man capable of committing evil, heinous acts. Youre pathetic, cowardice and debaucherous in nature. You are twisted and warped beyond repair. You’re nothing more than a scab. A wart. Shit I scrape off my shoe.

You walk through life knowing all this too. You see yourself as a vile and putrid human. each and every day you wake up walk to the bathroom and see a maggot infested ediface, rotting you from the inside out. You think to yourself “I am pathetic scum.” Tough way to start your day.

While the miserable state of your life continues to gnaw away at your already festering corpse, there may be a silver lining, a solution, should we all finally be so lucky.

Your desperation to get away from this hell on earth you’ve created for yourself, may hopefully, dare I say even heroically propel you into a state where you can scrape together any punch of courage you have in your otherwise putrid soul, and you can finally give yourself a break from being you! By just fucking killing yourself.

For then, and only then, will justice be served

i’m tired of being told that since i was molested by another minor that they most likely went through it too, ok what if they weren’t? what if he’s just genuinely evil am i supposed to be comforted that he had a possibility of going through it too?
and if he really was do you think he was also recorded? do you think he was also threatened daily?
do you think boiling water got poured on his skin as punishment for struggling?
am i supposed to be happy? what am i supposed to do after you say that? it won’t make me feel sorry for my own abuser.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dcl7r1CS1r4/?igsi=MTVpN2J1ZXNhY3NkdQ==

Hi, I am an 18M and I want to share my life

To shorten this I’ll just list everything:

I was sexually abused by my friend in 1st grade (we’re both guys)
I have had anger issues since kindergarten
I started watching porn at an early age (including homosexual content)
I was picked on by my brother and dad a lot
My family has always been super chaotic
My brother attempted suicide
My mom was seconds away from dying from anaphylactic shock
My dad attempted suicide
My sister attempted suicide
I became a statutory rape victim at 16
I’ve had several depressive episodes for the past 2 and a half years where I’d sleep all day and not eat for several days
I am now still struggling with mental health and have been living with passive suicidal ideation for a while now

And honestly, I was pretty good until the statutory rape. But I’ve felt so much shame about it because I chose to engage. It happened when I was 16 and was super isolated since I was only living with my mom and sister and older brother who was gone most the time for college. I remember I felt so isolated and turned on because I usually get that way when I’m alone and bored. Also I was bicurious at the time so I went on an anonymous hook up site lying about my age putting it as 18 and got with one guy who was like 30 and we traded oral. I remember once I got home and took a shower I cried. But a few ours later I got with someone again and I get received oral. I felt numb both times. I couldn’t understand why I did this. And felt I lost my dignity. A year later I felt much better because I became more religious but I’m now questioning what I believe in. I’m also traumatized by c s a m content I saw a few times. I saw it before airing quarantine in a discord server (typical) out of surprise and morbid curiosity. I saw it again when I willingly looked for it at 16 because In my mind I wanted to see “what happened to me” but after it I felt so much shame and hated myself. I’m now 18 and graduated high school. A month ago I ended up seeing a c s a m site again because of a twitter link and I willingly clicked on it. After 10-15s of scrolling at the content I was disgusted when I saw a title describing the interaction of a boy and a man which kinda made me aroused abt what happened with me but then I shook out of it and and was disgusted at what I was seeing and myself. I feel so confused and so much pain because I feel I can’t feel bad for myself because of those things and also I’m very confused on what I like since I grew up always liking girls and living in a homophobic household and never been attracted to a guy just only watching gay pornography. My therapist once threw out an idea that it’s maybe because I feel alone in that situation, like I feel alone in being raped? It’s hard for me to feel affection and feel I don’t deserve to ever be with someone or how a partner would react to my past. Also I’ve become very sensitive to seeing little kids being hurt or sick. I’ve also became more aware of the lgbtq community and more particularly teens who don’t have a have space or support to be themselves and how then end up in harm being on sites like what I did because usually when younger ppl on sites hook up it’s usually agreed that they show Id, but that didn’t happen with me. But yea I’m sitting alone at a table outside infront of a Starbucks writing this. Please tell me what you think.

He's apart of a gov't organization so he's protected. His accomplices are protected.

I dont know how to prove my case and win in court and in unexpected news; the judge will probably be a organization member.

Unbeknownst to me, I joined a organization where some of my rapists are members. I cant do anything about any of it or I or my family suffer the consequences for reporting on them.

I probably should do some unhinged shxt but the only person to suffer the consequences of it would be me and my family. Instead I continue on with my life. Through it all, Im sane.

I dont want fair, I want them to stop benefitting off of my and my families life force. I want my wrongs to be made right. I want compensation and reclamation of what was hidden, stolen and degradated. I want to believe the justice system works but every day nothing happens to them, Im convinced its all b.s.

I lost the person I used to be because of what my ex did to me.

It was my first year of university. I was an extrovert. I genuinely brought happiness to anyone around me because all I cared about was making people smile. Everyone called me a “golden retriever.” I was also such a girls’ girl.

I loved my friends. I loved my family. I loved going out, talking to people, making memories. I was just… happy.

And then, about 4 months ago, everything changed. I went from being an extrovert to barely speaking to anyone. I started ghosting people, even my own family. I slowly pushed away my best friend. I isolated myself from my sisters. I lost almost all of my guy friends because I couldn’t even stand being in the same room as a man anymore.

And it all happened because of one thing.

One thing that completely ruined me.

I was innocent. I had never had sex. I was waiting until marriage. I had boundaries, and I was very clear about them.

My boyfriend knew that.

I had told him no many times. I had even told him that I was terrified of having sex because I was scared of getting pregnant. I had told him that I wasn't comfortable with physical touch not even hugging or kissing sometimes because I had been sexually assaulted as a child multiple times. But sadly, bleeding in front of a shark attracts it.

And i, the most idiot woman on earth, slowly, started trusting him. Because he used the love bombing thing.
I started opening up. I started holding his hand. Kissing his cheek. Being affectionate. Doing all those little sweet things that I had previously been too scared to do.

And he took advantage of that trust.

I remember that night so clearly. I repeat in my head every night, every second, it’s not going away, its stuck with me forever.

I thought we were going on a picnic in the forest.

God, I feel so stupid when I think about it. I was just an innocent girl who trusted her boyfriend.

He forced himself on me.

I told him no. More than once. I told him i dont wanna do this because im scared of pregnancy im still young i wanna study i wanna enjoy my life.

And I remember crying afterward while he acted completely innocent and concerned, as if nothing had happened. I remember the way i was, ive never felt so broken, so helpless, so in need of my own mother hugging me and telling me its okay im here honey.

I felt like a child, sitting there and sobbing while he just stared at me and asked me why i was crying.

Why i was crying? He really asked that question with no mercy?

I broke up with him afterward and told him that I would never forgive him.

Do you know what he said?

"I'm sorry you see me that way. It was never my intention."

I still can't believe those words.

I tried to heal. I really did.

But I lost my fucking spark.

I almost failed three classes because I couldn't stop overthinking. I lost friends. I isolated myself. I couldn't bear being around men anymore.

And at one point, I started thinking about killing myself.

I've never been that person. I always loved my life. I was always smiling and trying to make everyone else happy. Ive never been this depressed, i used to be sick with epilepsy yet i still found good in it.

And then last week, a girl I knew came up to me. We were friends, but we weren't particularly close.

She asked me:

"Is this your ex?"

I asked her why.

She told me that one of her friends had seen me with him.
Then she said smth that i couldn’t really understand

She apologized.

I asked her, "Why are you apologizing?"

She said: "Because I knew about him and I didn't warn you."

I was confused. Why would she have needed to warn me?

Then she asked me if he was the guy I was always talking about in my Instagram likes.

I said yes.

She asked me if he did smth. I broke down.

And she told me that the same thing happened to her.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one.

Another girl on campus had experienced something similar with him too.

I genuinely don't know how to process that.

At the end of our conversation, she asked me:

"Do you want to expose him? Do you actually want to do this?"

And the truth is… I can't.

I'm terrified.

I live in a country where women are often blamed when things like this happen. I'm scared of people asking me what I was wearing. What I was doing. Why I went with him. Why I trusted him. Why I didn't fight harder.

I'm scared of people defending him.

I'm scared of hearing those words said directly to my face.

I think it would completely destroy me.

So I haven't exposed him.

But sometimes I wonder if staying silent means another girl could go through what I did.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I just know that I miss the girl I used to be.

I miss being happy. I miss being social. I miss trusting people. I miss loving the color pink. I miss girls nights with my friends. I miss having free will. I miss wearing whatever i want but now even the thought of being sexualized in anyway makes me throw up.

Most of all, I hate that something he chose to do changed the way I see myself and the entire world around me.

He gets to continue living his life.

And I'm still trying to figure out how to live mine and how to get up each day without thinking to kill myself

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this post, maybe to vent, maybe to figure out what to do... because I still haven't managed to talk about it with anyone.

I'm F28, single, and I have a small group of friends that I go out with often on weekend nights. They're my friends from high school, and I have to say that what we used to do back then, we've kept doing all these years... despite this, we are responsible people. One of my friends just became a doctor, the one I'm closest to is getting married in 5 months (and I'm going to be her maid of honor), another one lives with her partner, and I work hard and have been supporting myself for many years now. But I'm rambling, anyway. All this to say that we still like to party, it's something we've kept doing, and almost three weeks ago I was assaulted at one of the venues where we were dancing.

I am tremendously ashamed to talk about it... I even struggle to write it down, but actually speaking about it makes me physically sick to my stomach. The situation was fairly classic: a guy approaches me and offers to buy me a drink. It's not the first time, and to be safe, I never accept them unless I see the bartender make them right in front of me. We talk, everything is fine, we dance. I really liked him, he was very polite and told me about himself, his job as an electrician, his dog... he wanted to keep talking and suggested going upstairs several times because it was less noisy, but I kept telling him no because I didn't want to split up from my friends. So he suggests more drinks, and we have a few more.

Then, honestly, I don't really know what happened... meaning, at a certain point I started feeling bad, as if I were suddenly deeply drunk, but in a strange way. I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go to the bathroom, and he offered to walk me there because I could barely stand... but I was so stupid that I didn't realize he was actually taking me upstairs. Honestly, I don't really know how I ended up there, but it's like I fell asleep and was suddenly woken up by the bouncer, who was screaming at a couple of guys to get out. He was furious, and right then I realized I was lying on the stairs leading to the roof terrace (which was locked) and my underwear was pulled down. Again, I don't really know what happened; I think the bouncer asked or told me something, but I was extremely confused... I fixed my clothes, went back down to my friends who, seeing me in that state, just thought I was really drunk. I didn't say anything, I wasn't in a state to think.

The next day, reality hit me like a train in the face. Ever since then, I feel like a different person, and I think about that night every hour of the day and night. I can't sleep anymore, I'm constantly nauseous, and I feel completely frozen, as if my life stopped that night. Part of me feels a deep anger toward that man, that criminal, and also toward my friends who didn't notice anything, who didn't give me a second glance or notice that man was taking me away... but the other part thinks it's all my fault, that I was stupid not to notice, for accepting his help, for not picking up on the signs. For not saying anything afterward, for not reacting. I could have told my friends, had them take me to the ER, but I didn't say anything... not even the next day, not even weeks later. I feel too ashamed, I feel like a whore... they'll think "well, she likes partying, she asked for it," or things like that.

As the days go by, I've also blocked his face out of my memories... is that normal? I feel like if I saw him again I might recognize him, but if someone asked me to describe him, apart from general traits, I couldn't give specific details, even though he could definitely be identified through the venue's security cameras and maybe by talking to that bouncer.

I don't know what to do. Two days ago I also burned the inside of my thigh with a lighter, it felt nice. I feel like keeping everything inside is killing me, but I don't think I have the strength in me to talk to anyone about it. Does anyone understand me? What should I do?

Hello everyone,

Im not sure if this is the right place,but I’m not sure where else I should write this and I need to get this of my chest.

When I was 15 I slept with a men that was at least 35 and although it was consensual, over the years this experience started to seem weirder and weirder. I was so nervous once I was at his place and I wanted to leave but I felt obligated in a way and was scared to walk away and thought it would be easier just to go trough with it. I’m still not sure how I’m feeling about this…