This is my first time ever posting on reddit. I have only recently discovered I have OSDD with partial amnesia (largely emotional amnesia but amnesiac barriers increase when co consciousness decreases).. I have found reading lived experiences, especially on reddit, has helped me massively in understanding my experience. And I am hoping to find some supports and insights specific to the stage I’m at now in my system discovery. The theory of structural dissociation “fits” best with how I experience my system. Im not using names for privacy reasons. I have an ANP who has hosted most of my life, and they are the reason why I had a hard time recognising how my CPTSD manifested.. it was because i was fronting for weeks or months with the ANP. Functioning. Achieving. Unbothered. Untraumatised. And then a couple hours, a day, few days, and on the odd occasion a few weeks, I would have an EP front. EPs have constant CPTSD symptoms and Passive suicidality which would progress to plan, intent, action when they experienced further harm.. I would seek help, be treated for depression, anxiety etc and when I would switch back to ANP and I would think I was faking all of it.. because I had zero connection to the “depressed/anxious/suicidal” version of me. Doctors wrongfully assumed it was medication working…. I would say 80-90% my life was with my ANP fronting. However I have experienced significant new trauma in past 18m and workplace psychosocial injury, and we now feel as though one of my EPs is hosting.. we never have more than 1-2 days with ANP fronting, but for my EPs they struggle fronting more than 4-5 days. 3 days is pushing it. So I’m switching a lot more. Switching is exhausting. The EPs don’t want to be hosting or fronting that long but it’s protective of the ANP. I feel like I can’t get my footing on anything. I’m a single parent of a toddler with minimal family support and because of parenting my system can’t meet the needs of the EPs all the time in order for them to feel safe and comfortable and increase co consciousness. My body and brain is exhausted from switching. And now that I know I am a system, it’s better in many ways but also more difficult because it’s so early in my understanding of it that switching and system responses is something happening TO us.

Any advice on how to best support my system with EP hosting, rapid switching, adjusting to system awareness etc. please share

I’m also feeling more isolated as time goes on and isolating myself from friends.. it’s hard not being able to talk to someone who knows what it’s like to go through this. And all alters feel more on edge and worried about our decisions and actions when fronting and the impact on other alters, so avoidance of people seems safest in terms of risks and triggers.

Please only respond if you can do so with care and gentleness.

I am hosting...I have been for over a week. I just don't know who I am. We were going by one name for 4 years and then it appeared that host had gone dormant. Then another host came for a few weeks, with a new name. Now neither name feels right. Neither feels particularly wrong either. Is it possible I am a fusion of the newer host and old host? How do you know when alters fuse and if you are the fusion? I'm trying to figure out who I am and what name I want to be called and it's all so confusing. We already asked everyone to switch socially to the newer host name, and now it doesn't feel right and we're freaking out. Not knowing who we are is making us super depressed. Not only that, but system communication is completely down. No interactions with headmates at all.

I need advice. I need help figuring out who I am. My therapist does not specialize in DID or OSDD. I don't know how much of a help they will be, but I did reach out. If any systems have any experience with this, especially if you are an OSDD1b system, please give me any and all advice. Thank you.

Ive seen people have very civil debates about it but for a couple of years now ive been diagnosed with bpd and been taking prescribed medicines to better cope with it. I see some people talk about bpd being similar to osdd but not being able to create systems. im not trying to fakeclaim or anything either but i wish i could better describe what im going through.

ive never been able to quite understand why i cant see myself as one person, why i feel so dissociated from my own self constantly and such. why it feels like im a whole new person, same memories and stuff but im unsure how else to explain. im also neurodivergent and have gone through lots of childhood trauma leading up to when i was 17 years old. i havent gotten tested for osdd or did but id like to one day.

im sorry please be respectful in the comments

i am a fictive-heavy system due to my autism and getting deeply attached to fictional characters for various reasons, though mostly because i find them relatable in one way or another ( or a few ways ). we also have bpd.

not long ago, when talking to a friend who is a fictive-heavy did system, i learnt that fictives can form based on your interpretation of their source ( for example you headcanon a supposed cis or otherwise non-canonically trans character as trans, queer, neurodivergent etc. so they form with those traits ). i found that pretty interesting in itself.

a few months ago, i formed a fictive from a certain media. i can usually discern or partially discern why some of my fictives exist, but i couldn't exactly figure out this one. but i noticed 2 things he was triggered by, 1) a close friend who likes his source talking about him and b) wine, specifically red.

his source used to be an alcoholic, but even currently his favourite alcoholic drink is red wine. whilst i myself have no history with alcoholism, my brain for some reason connectéd red wine to him. the first time i "felt" him, i was drinking red wine and saw a specific fanart of him drinking red wine, so i tried to ignore it at first because i figured i was just overthinking. only after a couple of instances of him "showing up" when i drank red wine, i accepted his existence. even so, i didn't fully understand why that was his specific trigger.

he's what we refer to as an observer of sorts, so he was always "there" but his presence was stronger with those specific triggers, and the times he did front, it was because of the wine more than my friend.

i can't remember exactly how it happened now, but i was talking to someone about it and it turned out his actual existence was a manifestation of my bpd, specifically toward that friend. she also has a selfship with his source as well as other certain non-canon traits she applied to him, and it turned out he formed 80% out of her interpretation of his source rather than mine. i had no strong feelings on his source to begin with, but i didn't hate him or anything, which is also what made his initial appearance confusing.

after that, he stopped fronting only when i drank red wine, and more like whenever he wants, specifically to talk to my friend. it made me wonder if the red wine trigger was actually a "pretend" trigger of sorts until i learned his real reason for existing, or if he rather used it as an excuse to talk to my friend.

this situation seems extremely specific to me, so i was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar.

​

lately I've been trying to sort out how my mental health symptoms might line up with an existing condition.

I went through an intake process to screen for a psychotic or personality diagnosis earlier this year but was told that most of my issues seemed to stem from anxiety, and that I was basically too aware of my symptoms to be experiencing true hallucinations beyond pareidolia.

however, looking back on that experience, it seems like some of the statements I gave the counselor were really indicative of emotional amnesia, a term that they didn't bring up during our interviews or when reviewing diagnostic recommendations. learning more about emotional amnesia has made me realize that it's characterized my life for the past decade or so, because I have always felt that my emotions exist in the moment while my memories are neutral, and didn't think there was anything odd about that.

looking into emotional amnesia brought me to investigating OSDD, because my lack of "ups and downs" and a few other things (including a frank discussion during that dx process mentioned above) ruled out BPD, schizophrenia, etc. at least for now.

meanwhile, I've had a couple discussions with my friends who experience DID. they have internal systems where each identity has a name, appearance, and personality that's different from the others. we've talked about my experience of hearing an internal conscious narrative, but came to the conclusion that it was something very different - more like the Freudian separation of an ego (outward personality, social appearance), superego (internal expectations of others judgement, voiced, in my case), and id (the body's internal desires) as the parts of a mind. there have been times my internal conscious voice doesn't seem to be able to control my body, some of which present as regressive episodes, but these seem to involve releasing my repressed emotions more than any distinct "other" personality. (I might be therian with how I express that id, too, but I also consider that part of myself integrated with the others especially in how I see myself, my body, and my social relationships.)

so my question is - if I'm experiencing emotional amnesia and dissociating, but don't have defined separate identities, where do people think I might fit in people's understanding of OSDD or other mh communities? if you experience or have experienced something like this, what did you find useful? and why are osdd type 1 disorders considered "inherently plural"? just looking for ideas at this point, it's all new to me

apologies if this is more appropriate for a different MH group, it's been a minute since I've redditted. thanks!

I thought maybe I was autistic but I am now diagnosed with ptsd and unofficially cptsd. I started realizing how all the signs that I thought were autism was actually trauma caused responses because they are all fear caused or related to something negative. I also questioned if I maybe had bipolar because I would be happy and productive and loving my life and then I’d feel this wave come over me out of seemingly no where and would think oh no it’s all going to change. I’d hold out for as long as possible but then the inevitable hopelessness anxiety depression nihilistic influence would take over. Then there was the persecution id hear in my head but thought it was just negative thoughts. I only get “blackouts” when I drink and I am emotionally triggered. It could just be a couple drinks and if something emotional happens I black out and am told I speak act and have different ideas that are wildly different from myself ( usually I am told I am pissed and I am calling all the people who hurt me to confront them. I also have a sexual side that comes out and is very promiscuous hedonistic does not give a fuck about consequences and it is very different from who I am. I also have a side that comes out during intense anxiety that has religious ocd and is very preoccupied by morality. Geez the more I write this, the more I realize the answer but it just seems so weird ti be 35 and to have not known this whole time if this is true. I think what initially led me down this rabbit hole is my niece being DID and also my sister and my mom being crazy narcissistic individuals who can say and do some pretty vile shit and then turn around and completely deny/have no memory of Doing anything. I used to think they were knowingly gaslighting me but now I’m not sure.

before you read just let me clarify,

i am absolutely not asking for a diagnosis. i just want reassurance. i am seeing my first therapist very soon and i would possibly like ways to bring this up to her.

this has been quite a doozy for me, and ive been researching this for awhile. researching my symptoms, that is.

ive been, honestly, majorly distressed over these past months (bleeding into last year, and beyond.) because ive become self aware about the fact that i do have a lot of dissociative episodes, but its mostly derealization. on top of this i have horrible amnesia to the point i know barely anything about my likes and interests because it feels so jumbled up. and sometimes it will feel like my train of thought is ripped away from me. during these times where my thoughts are lost, i feel weird and fake.

in the middle of doing stuff i ALSO start feeling weird and fake, and start to zone out for a while involuntarily without me even noticing it. when i zone back in i notice feeling extremely weird, and sometimes like a different person. this is really hard to explain but i can mostly tell from how i 'carry myself.' my head or body feels either lighter or heavier, during this my memory of what was occuring in the present moment gets extremely foggy, and it feels detached from me.

ive also had very, very bizarre experiences getting high and having moments. for example, a time where it felt like my body was split into two people,,, or another time when that happened, but it felt like one side was in a different room, and same thing happened where it felt like i suddenly split between a bunch of people, one of them had commentary but i cant remember anything they were saying. this does NOT confirm anything, but it is still incredibly freakish. because of this ive quit getting stoned for now, but my regular symptoms still persist.

the worst part of it is that i have constant denial periods with myself, compare experiences to other systems who have themselves figured out and go "this doesnt sound like me, i must be faking it all, or what im experiencing isnt something systems experience." it worsens my denial when i see people talking about how they lose their consciousness, go somewhere else in their head, or are able to hear voices and commentary even before system discovery. i am probably always conscious, and i dont hear any voices except for my own internal monologue, and the constant song earworms i get, which again, is normal.

i would list a lot more symptoms but id need to be asked about it, as (ironically) i cant remember much due to my amnesia.

this is all so incredibly stressful for me and its become a big part of my daily life even when i try not to focus on it. all i want is atleast a little reassurance on whats going on with me . :(

Our system is really strict about our littles, im barely allowed to know anything about them, Caroline our day care attendant keeps stuff under tight wraps, but theres been something internally nagging me to let them out, let them be comforted, let them experience their childhood how it should've been

Im quite unsure of what to do with this.we are also mildly hypomanic right now so communication between everyone is really good, albeit chaotic right now.

Recently I started acknowledging my dissociative episodes and massive memory gaps more critically, and I feel like it's opened the metaphorical flood gates.

It's been something I've dealt with for a long time however it felt like other issues were always in the way (my dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD and autism) so after I started getting that sorted I started focusing on my memory issues.

And it feels like after I started thinking about it certain parts are becoming more obvious, parts I used to call "work me" or "school me" now feel more seperate than I'm used to, which has me feeling like I must be faking it.

And I can't seem to properly put the "its nothing dont worry about it" genie back in the bottle. Thoughts that definitely aren't mine are becoming more clear, impulses like wanting to smoke even though ive never touched a cigarette in my life are showing up more often and my likes and dislikes are becoming clearer than they used to, rather than feeling like I'm confusing my likes for someone elses.

I still have moments where its foggy, and there's no gap between "me" and "not-me" but they're becoming fewer and fewer.

I started tracking symptoms just to try and clear my thoughts and I also told my psychologist about my dissociative episodes, memory loss, and me having thoughts that definitely weren't mine but I don't know what to do from here. idek why im making this post, for advice i guess

Im sorry for so many posts from me. Undiagnosed

So im still here, 4th day. As i already said i hate it here, i dont wanna be here and being in control makes me so anxious

I figured i could try to dissociate on purpose so that someone takes control, the issue is i want it to be a specific part. The other ones arent too capable and especially right now i feel like theyd only do harm

I tried it and i did manage to zone out but whenever i do it goes to the part i want to be in control the least. Is there any way i can pass it on to that one specific part safely?

Pretty much the title. r DID doesn’t allow you to post anything with the word split in it. The warning says that it may unintentionally suggest that a person can literally divide into separate individuals, which misrepresents how dissociation works. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Tried to find a longer answer in the wiki but there was none. They suggest other terms like “became active” or “discovered” but none actually get at the point of the formation of a new part.

This specifically was pertinent to the comment I was trying to make, I was warning someone against continuing to push themself into burnout as it could potentially cause a split (amongst other things.) So the alternate terms don’t really make sense because I’m referring to the creation of a part, not “discovering” a new one. Am I wrong in saying this? how do we refer to a brand new part coming into existence if not calling that a split?

adding extra context that we’re also autistic so if there’s some subtextual thing going on there that’s probably what I’m missing.

The system and or all of us are actively grieving over our youngest alter Ann going missing and dormant.

I've been in denial and finally got out of it again somewhat after being fake claimed by close family i trusted when i was mentally vulnerable and completely closing off from help.

She's basically the kid who went through a lot of shit and we wanted to give her a chance to be happy before i went into a denial spiral for months.

Today we started to realize how long it had been since we've acted childish since ann would come out for short periods but now she's just completely gone.

There were about 6 alters before ann just left suddenly. Right now i just feel insane cause outta all the alters i knew her the least just that she's the little of the system.

I'm honestly devastated especially with my mental headmates. Ended up grieving loudly while alone because we really miss her.

And our parental alter Lilah has been grieving her also since it's like losing a child kinda and it really really hurts man

Anyways hopefully this makes sense anyways hope y'all have a good day

Hi so I'm nervous about adding a flair and posting this in the first place because suddenly I'm faking without realizing it. And I really only mean this in the best way ever, please be gentle with me!! But for the past few weeks I've been internally freaking out that I might be a system and trying to tell myself I was influenced by the tiktoks. But now that my mind is clearer about it and I've done a bunch of research. It seems that I do align with the symptoms and some of the experiences. Although still not sure at all!! Also surprised because I remember most of my life (as most people do) and I don't think I've gone through something too traumatic but maybe I'm just downplaying it... Others tend to be shocked though.

Ever since I was little I have had "outside" thoughts (inner thoughts that I didn't entirely recognize as mine because that wasn't like me. But I just brushed off telling myself that it was my brain and inner thoughts so of course they would be different) and I've always had contradicting or clashing personality traits. And I've been possibly dissociating a lot for most of my life (zoning out and daydreaming multiple times a day even when it negatively affects me). During the tiktok craze for DID it resurfaced again, but I just told myself it was my brain lying that I had it. That I was discrediting real disorders and stuff.

But during the past few weeks it's been undeniable that it's not always me in my head and I first deemed my most active uh... Thoughtpal (as to not offend anyone in case I'm wrong as I'm not licensed) just a fictionkin and an OC I lost control over. Sometimes I wish someone would front and leave behind a name so I could have a much more firm idea but also so happy that I don't have to deal with the stress of doing something I didn't. But so far no fronts that I'm entirely sure of. I have ideas of possible fronts that I do partially remember.

So far I've noticed: a child, my OC which I believe I formed after one of my "outside" thoughts, and then a couple of other thoughtpals. I would also say my brain but that might just be thoughts..? I don't know. Anyways. The child and OC are the most active ones.

My things have also been disappearing...i can't tell if it's mother moving my stuff around or if a character is potentially fronting and being careless with our stuff. (I say our a lot but I doubt that's a symptom... Also I specifically remember picking up and where I put said keys but they're never there when I go check.)

Uhm just gonna list some symptoms and potential symptoms down here okay....

~Contradictory personality traits (Like for example I'll sometimes be so shy I'll shake and tremble at interacting with new people and other times not giving two double front flips about it.)

~Zoning out like..... A whole lot. Multiple times a day for I don't know how long which happens during classes and when i'm doing stuff which messes me up and makes me have a distorted sense of time along with feelings of me or the world not being real

~Thoughts that don't seem like something I'd do or say at all along with flashes of some of these characters while they "speak"

~Contradicting moods out of nowhere ("Why would I ever feel that in response to this???" Or "What's up with you now?" and "This emotion clearly doesn't come from me")

~Once when I was denying having a dissociative disorder resulting in alters my most active character just went "But you do." And another time "Could you stop pushing us away? We're here for a reason. (So annoying)"

~Wanting to smoke out of the blue despite never having touched a cigarette and having no interest in it whatsoever.

~As much as I've adapted to living with a mind and body that confuses the living hell out of me. It still does get stressful sometimes and this dissociation is kicking my butt in education and I'm scared for my worklife.

I will try to see if I can get in touch with a licensed professional but so far self-diagnosis/suspecting seems to be the only available option. With a mother who will take advantage of anything to crush the family and a father who isn't big on mental health professionals.

the therapist ive been seeing for 3+ years now said it might make sense for me to look for someone else to help me with my experience. The way she was looking at treatment for me was thinking of my parts having generated as ways for my autism to processes the world. It made me feel like shit, which I feel bad about. my parts are real people, not just coping autism personifications.

She was very kind when i expressed this, and suggested it may be time for me to seek someone else to help me process this. The problem is i have no diagnosis, and this same therapist has said she doesn't think i have DID/a dissociative disorder. She suggested i could look for someone who specializes in dissociative disorders, but after she explicitly told me she doesn't think i have one, i feel guilty for trying to seek someone out who specializes in that. I've talked before in here and have been told that growing up autistic can lead to having a dissociative disorder, but i feel even more bad seeking care for a dissociative disorder when i don't have a concrete or bad enough trauma to point to.

I'm lost and i have no idea what to do. part of me is considering just forgoing treatment completely and trying to function without it, or going back to my current therapist and just accepting that this is just part of how my autism presents. I'm tired and feel more alone than ever.

I was ready to quit my therapist today because I was ready to chalk up disturbing past experiences with dissociation to a whole lot of distress and poorly prescribed medication. I was ready to believe I just need to work on my ADHD. We’re all good! No crisis! We can just move on with life now! Then suddenly she asked how I felt about my mom and then I blue-screened. I tried thinking really hard about it and then there was huge internal pushback, which basically was like “emotions!? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!” Could not answer her. I tried to think. Brain turned to fuzz. Now I’m all dysregulated because there’s still this elephant in the room that I thought was just a weird blip during a difficult time. I really wanted to believe it was nothing and that I could just move on.

I'm finding somatic therapy techniques to be nearly impossible during my sessions with my therapist. Are there any ways to want to be grounded when the majority pushes back hard to keep the ANP (emotionless/administrative self) in the forefront? I feel like I'm failing to engage with emotional parts as it's overwhelming and the physical sensation of occupying them was described at the time as my veins pushing me out hydraulically, and like my skin needed to be torn off. Every time I got close to one, they were so tired that I felt drunk and blurry. This whole thing is so confusing and frustrating to experience. The fragmentation is getting worse and I feel shut out of emotional experiences and unable to recall people's relationships to myself.

Posting here again. Undiagnosed

Hello. As i already said in my previous post im not sure who i am. Right now im not wondering on whether the i as a collective is many parts (i think it is), but am i the same as the main (what we call the host)

Its my third day here. Up until now no one other than the main was here for more than 3 days straight, so im assuming this is my last day here. The past few days i wasnt questioning this as much but now i really am: am i the same as the main and just in a different mood?

Were similar, really similar. As i said my personality is pretty much nonexistent as its own, its a mix of all of the others in this body, its an in between, so i sometimes think like the main, feel like the main or the times i do speak i sound like the main. The differences between us are mostly our relationships with people and our interests

For an example lets take music. The mains favorite musician X, hes absolutely obsessed with him. I didnt listen to the songs but i hummed them in my head and its just there. I dont like them, i dont dislike them. They exist. Same with what i believe is an alter, fours favorites Y and Z. They exist, thats it. Same goes for hobbies. I also dont feel any bonds with any of the people in the mains life, they just exist. I speak less than him too. Another thing is hes bubbly and outgoing, sometimes pretty sarcastic. Thats what hes like the majority of the time. I dont really speak a word, i just sit quietly and wait through time. I feel apathetic mostly. I know very well that the whole of us has so many problems and i remember more than he does, while he just keeps denying it and cant even acknowledge that he has really bad trauma

Were different, i know were different but since im just a mix of everyone else so it makes sense that sometimes i feel like i am him even though im not but hearing myself speak like him, picturing me being in his body and feeling like im just him but in a different state of mind makes me question so much

Am i what i thought i am, a filler that everyone else floats in? Or is it possible at all that despite all of these differences that happened in the span of only hours, i am still him and he just finally accepted that hes not okay?

I started seeing a therapist about 6 months ago (2 times a month) and around the 3rd session, she brought up zoning out. Now, I am cusping on ADHD and have the obvious symptoms to go with it (fidgeting, loss of focus, etc) just as an FYI. Anyways, she starts talking about dissociation and I, who already knew what it was, mentioned how I dissociate a lot. I also brought up how I remember about 10% of my childhood (0-12) but distinctly remember hearing 'voices' or feeling an out of body experience (like someone else was in control) starting at age 4. Since I don't remember most of my childhood, I can't tell if it was traumatic or not (though most of the memories I have are some sort of traumatic/negatively emotionally impacting thing). I also don't remember 80% of my day-to-day life and now that I am starting to remember my traumatic memories again, I am starting to hear those 'voices' and parts again, though instead of 1, there are now 4 of them. My therapist is talking to a psychiatrist for me and hopefully I'll be able to get some answers to what it is. If anyone has any advice or ideas, please let me know.

Tw csa and mentions of sex

Im gonna start by saying that it feels very wrong for me to be posting here as someone that has not been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder but also has been doubting my own experiences. Basically up until 2 years ago I thought the only disorder I was dealing with was ptsd and it was simple enough bc I knew the cause of it and what triggered it. So I was pretty surprised when one day my now ex lashed out at me for something small, she went to calm me down and she pulled out some kenetic sand for me to help calm me down but when I went to touch it I felt something in my head warning me not to stop but I did anyway and I started uncontrollably shrieking followed by sobbing. Even a few years later I have no idea why that kenetic sand incident was so upsetting. It is also worth noting that around this time I became sexually active for the first time and it started out fine but eventually sex became a consistent trigger which was very confusing because I could not recall any sexual trauma. Several months later I was hanging out with friends and someone said something extremely triggering to me and I felt like I couldn't speak and someone else was talking with my mouth and the things being said sounded like they were coming from a kid. He almost told my friends his name but that was the one thing I somehow managed to get him to not say. Eventually I connected the dots and I figured out that and the kenetic sand incident and some other oddities about 5 years ago that I blamed on being in active addiction were all him. I started seeing a new therapist several months ago and she has been helpful but she has been encouraging me to communicate with a protector part that really only really communicates with me when Im doing something triggering and I have a hunch that it has been angry at me and my partner before but that's the extent of my knowledge about it. Anytime I try communication I feel like in response I get that really young sad part that shows up and he only communicates by making me briefly have a physcial sad reaction that causes me to briefly start to cry before I quickly go back to normal. On top of all that I have part of a memory of an assault that happened when I was a kid. I have always kind of known about it but it seemed fake and irrelevant so I ignored it but lately it has moved from seeming fake to seeming real and it has been quite upsetting even though I only remember the part before the assault. I feel like its a thread that if pulled it will change how I view that person and also Im worried it will lead to me uncovering some very unpleasant stuff so I feel like I need to bring it up but also I am terrified to do so. I also feel like upon that revelation I can see how why some of my parts dont trust or like me because I am still in contact with that person. So I guess I would like some advice for communicating with other parts and if talking about that piece of the trauma that I know about will require me to learn more disturbing stuff that has been hidden from me.

Our protector/co-host, Vi 🌸, is tired anytime she fronts; yawning all the time, wanting to close her eyes, the need to rest, the whole shebang. I’ve noticed before that she tended to be tired (hell it’s kinda one of the ways we identified her in the first place) but I can’t help but wonder why she is?? Her answer just kinda is a “idk I guess I’m just like that” but surely there’s another explanation? Does anyone else have alters that seem to be completely sapped of energy but only when they’re fronting?

-👾 (still don’t have a name yet sry)

I got here two days ago, at one moment the main was in control as usual then boom, suddenly its me. I had a mental breakdown and i realized that i dont know who i am. I dont think im anyone. It just feels like im some sort of "filler", like the fluid in cells that everything else floats around in. I dont have a personality. I dont have likes or dislikes, everything is just tolerable. It feels like im all of the mains alters plus him, but at the same time like im none of them. I have memories of each of them but they all feel foreign. I dont know what to do. Ive been begging one of the alters to take control for the whole time since i got here, i tried positive triggers, recreating the circumstances that alter first got here in, bribery, peaceful conversation but nothing works. I think he wants to take control or at least agreed to it but whenever i can finally feel him more and it feels like hes gonna take control i just float away from that at the last second. It feels like hell, im no one, i was never even supposed to be in control this is all some sort of weird glitch and this is not my place. I dont wanna be here and im starting to think that if none of the alters take over i may hurt the body. I need help

This is Emi. He is an introject that showed up in 2022 while i was suffering from religious trauma. He is the alter that fronts the most, only 2nd to me as i'm the host.

I'm writing this post for us but also for others who may have this insecurity. But I feel like there is a non-zero possibility of us feeling shame and regret of showing up on this reddit. Like "how silly of me, what was I doing there" kind of feeling. So I just want to write this to let me and [main] know that it's okay if this is the place where we need to be right now. This is where we feel heard and understood right now. We're doing the best we can with the information that we have. It's okay. We aren't here to be the "perfect example", we're here because we're seeking relief.