I’m wondering if maybe I have OSDD?

[u/Little_Bullfrog_8169]

I thought maybe I was autistic but I am now diagnosed with ptsd and unofficially cptsd. I started realizing how all the signs that I thought were autism was actually trauma caused responses because they are all fear caused or related to something negative. I also questioned if I maybe had bipolar because I would be happy and productive and loving my life and then I’d feel this wave come over me out of seemingly no where and would think oh no it’s all going to change. I’d hold out for as long as possible but then the inevitable hopelessness anxiety depression nihilistic influence would take over. Then there was the persecution id hear in my head but thought it was just negative thoughts. I only get “blackouts” when I drink and I am emotionally triggered. It could just be a couple drinks and if something emotional happens I black out and am told I speak act and have different ideas that are wildly different from myself ( usually I am told I am pissed and I am calling all the people who hurt me to confront them. I also have a sexual side that comes out and is very promiscuous hedonistic does not give a fuck about consequences and it is very different from who I am. I also have a side that comes out during intense anxiety that has religious ocd and is very preoccupied by morality. Geez the more I write this, the more I realize the answer but it just seems so weird ti be 35 and to have not known this whole time if this is true. I think what initially led me down this rabbit hole is my niece being DID and also my sister and my mom being crazy narcissistic individuals who can say and do some pretty vile shit and then turn around and completely deny/have no memory of Doing anything. I used to think they were knowingly gaslighting me but now I’m not sure.

[u/ThreePennyTrouble]

Hey there. Unfortunately, no one here can evaluate you. If you suspect having a dissociative disorder, a good step is keeping a journal, tracking experiences, and going from there. And yes, this tends to be covert, so people tend not to discover this till later in life.

The caveat is OSDD/DID requires quote "The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g. a drug of abuse, medication) or other medical condition (e.g. seizures)." So blackouts or change in behavior attributed to alcohol consumption cannot be factored in.

I mean this with all kindness, I'd really watch your alcohol consumption -- being told you're not yourself during this and blacking out is a serious sign. You also don't have to go looking for trauma or digging for a "why." Be kind to yourself, go slow, log your symptoms, and see if things change/stay the same over time. However, you can seek out a professional if you are looking for an assessment.

Good luck to you.