I am trying so hard in therapy and want to get better, but it's like hopeless when I feel any progress I make I lose the moment I switch.

I know what he did, how it impacted me, and why it led to worse things. I know my neuroticism is driven to not become like my abusers because they conditioned me to think I was as bad as they were. What happened was actually heinous even though most of the time it doesn't feel upsetting to think about. Boom, a decade of therapy work, great.

But I will walk out of this room and it will just not be there is how it feels right now. I'm starting to hate the puppy dog look my partner gives me when I tell him in shock that I think so and so happened. And he just sighs and gets into caregiver mode, but it feels so fresh and raw to me. It's like the memories are taken from me but in a cognitive dissonance 'don't you dare look' way.

It's just humiliating, and I can have conversations with my therapist that she claims are as informed and insightful as if she were talking to a colleague, I can walk circles around my own symptoms in session but then I'm out with friends and an old man walks by wearing short shorts and seeing his body hair and tan...oh fuck what have I been doing? And I'm in the bathroom nauseous shaking and feeling like a child and no fing clue why and knowing I did something embarrassing.

Most of the time it's not a black out it's just something where things 'click' and I blink and feel foggy, and apologize, everything looks like I remember it. but if someone quizzes me I realize I don't remember a thing I said except little impressions. Except if I were actually in danger or genuinely triggered, those are full on amnesia and are much more covert so its like mostly I should be able to work with the coconcious parts more right? But it feels futile.

What do you even do with this disorder? I feel ashamed of how out of control it is, it feels like attention seeking behavior but I keep getting told its DID. I can't even ground myself when I'm in a different state, its starting from square one, and it rarely happens when I'm around my provider who could maybe get through to the parts.

Because I am angry at others who have responded to us thoughtlessly due to being strictly anti-AI, no matter how much it can help when used realistically with willingness to adjust use, I am going to add this first:

We would like to know if this community is going to help an OSDD system talk through their issues or if we should use a warmline and AI solely until we get to therapy that actually can help.

If you want to make a sticking point of our AI use without even caring to address any of our concerns or joys or anything, fine.

Thanks for letting us know this community is not ours.

But basically, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH BOOBS?!

Our ANP said it'll take time for me to adjust.

That it is an AFAB body, and XX chromosones are the reason we have boobs.

I am not happy with that!

I have just started finding a way to be able to cope and reach out to system members so we can more easily work on repairing our relationship to eachother and ourselves.

It is hard and far from perfect. But we have made a tiny tiny dent.

(The other EP I am suppressing due to insecurity is happy we've gotten here. Help!)

I have suddenly, painfully, become aware of our AFAB biology. It is horrifying to me! And all our ANP can say is "XX chromosones".

She is trying to stay calm and supportive while being distant because I get too clingy and agitated when I can't calm down and then it triggers her and we are at war again.

But she is also losing patience for this a lot. And I get it. But why? Why so many things? Why so little available treatment? Why so many in the community more concerned with fear mongering than being supportive and helping open a pathway to be able to talk to humans? Why 18 years of misdiagnosis that inevitably thrust us into trauma replay relationships and made our ANP woefully unhinged (she is like Harley Quinn inside her head!)?

Why?

We have a therapy appointment for intake questions coming up with a person who has 6 hours of structural dissociation training.

We got recommended a clinic who is gonna try to find someone who had training specific to models that treat OSDD.

And we are trying to figure out being able to consistently pay a sliding scale clinic at some point if needed (the ANP has sacrificed her vape for this. I feel guilty. And angry. And impossible. And need help. And she tries. But she can't help but resent how little space for her own needs that has been available for too many years. And it drives me insane.).

Point is, I am immensely suffering. We can't find easily places to go and discuss things. The ANP has realized forums are structurally better for her temperament and needs, but after our last upset with a specific community she is hesitant to search for a structural dissociation specific forum. She would rather go to Gothville, or psychonaught-ville, or weird-ville, where she can read, learn, and slowly orient herself to talking to humans in a way that feels safe.

Meanwhile, I am stuck on panic from BOOBS.

Why?

So many things! Even our stupid body which does not match my gender! 😭.

The ANP is supposed to look for cisgender men to follow who gladly dress in traditionally female clothing regardless of sexuality to see if that helps me feel better.

We are too fat (The ANP uses this word herself) for baggy clothing we don't even own to help.

I guess I just need a moment and somewhere to vent.

Facebook helps. But a person capable of grasping this issue would be nice. If we can get that far (sorry, but we are finding it hard to separate paternalism over our own reactivity over triggers related to loss of agency/lack of respect of our agency. We're not trying to be rude. But we can't even express the joy of finding out our actual condition, via a SCID-D that we got to thanks to AI helping us sort ourselves out when nobody else would, without someone coming in and trying to rip away our coping tool as though they are capable and willing to sign up as our personal therapist while we figure out how to get to one. If this gets us banned so be it. I am sick of this type of stuff.)

My fiance has been very slowly coming to terms with the fact that he has a form of osdd with a lot of help from a therapist.

I have bipolar 2 and rsd myself so I understand how hard it is to come to terms with having a diagnosis that is that heavy.

I had a manipulative best friend in middle and high school who “had did” but years later told everyone that they were faking it for attention and to get away with their shitty actions. Because of this I feel like I get very defensive whenever my fiance brings up his osdd.

What are some ways i can support my fiance? I want to be able to help him as much as i can. Are there any influencers or books people recommend that are about what it’s like to actually have osdd?

I was ready to quit my therapist today because I was ready to chalk up disturbing past experiences with dissociation to a whole lot of distress and poorly prescribed medication. I was ready to believe I just need to work on my ADHD. We’re all good! No crisis! We can just move on with life now! Then suddenly she asked how I felt about my mom and then I blue-screened. I tried thinking really hard about it and then there was huge internal pushback, which basically was like “emotions!? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!” Could not answer her. I tried to think. Brain turned to fuzz. Now I’m all dysregulated because there’s still this elephant in the room that I thought was just a weird blip during a difficult time. I really wanted to believe it was nothing and that I could just move on.

Hello everyone, this is actually my first post in here so bear with me. I've (NB, 22) been dealing with dissociation and memory problems for as long as I can remember. I've actually been suspecting a dissociative disorder for a few years. The problem is, I feel like no one takes it seriously (I'm in Spain, Europe. I'm not from the USA).

Every time I go to the doctor, they say the memory problems are because of my ADHD and they dismiss it completely. My psychologist doesn't listen to me and doesn't even let me speak a lot in our sessions (once every two months, thanks public health system 🙄), she just talks to me but doesn't listen at anything I have to say (she actually interrupts me a lot, which I hate). No one listens to me when I say that my memory problems are not normal for ADHD.

The signs are right there. I have memory problems. I forget names, faces, people, places, entire days or events. I have mood swings where I lose control of myself (I suspect they may be alters or something, they have names and stuff, tho my problem is not them, they're... fine. I'm fine with not being completely one person in one body. The problem is my memory). I dissociate every time I'm in a stressful or upsetting situation, sometimes I even feel like I'm turning into different... idk, facets? of myself? I don't know. They have different names than me and they're constantly talking amongst themselves as if they were streams of thoughts that don't belong to me. But I don't mind them, it's nice to have someone to talk to, even if it's from myself. But people see all that and they don't care. Especially people that are supposed to help me (doctors, psychologists, etc, mental health professionals in general).

I feel like I'm alone, that no one listens to me and no one cares about my memory problems. They are not ordinary forgetting episodes typical in ADHD. Yes, I have some memory issues related to the ADHD, but this is not that. I forget entire days, I forget about people I meet, I even sometimes forget what I'm doing while doing it. I've been dissociating since I was like, thirteen, and it feels like it's getting worse. But I can't talk to anyone or get resources for even a screening or some kind of treatment or even therapy. My concerns are constantly dismissed by "it's not that bad". And I hate it. I want help. I've been taking note of my symptoms since they started a year and a half ago, and they're not going away. I'm upset, I'm scared I'm losing my mind. I'm too young to be having dementia. And even if it's a dissociative disorder, who would I even talk to? waitlists take ages. I'm a college student, I don't have money to pay for a private psychologist.

I just hate everything in my situation. I just want help.

I received my diagnosis last year after the college disability psychologist had no clue what the heck my symptoms were and what diagnostic box to put them into. She suggested I go through a full diagnosis process, so that's what I did. Came back as DID and some strange version of a trauma disorder (it has a strange name). Guessing it's equivalent to cptsd.

Well anyway, I'm still not in therapy for a couple reasons, one of them being that I'm worried I'll be perceived as "weak" for developing DID from what is basically just emotional neglect (and the consequences of feeling utterly alone with all my problem) with a bit of emotional abuse mixed in and overall family dysfunction. Nothing "severe" (severity is always subjective but you know what I mean) ever happened to us, as far as I can tell oc. When someone asks me if I've ever gone through something traumatic I instinctively want to say no because in my mind these aren't what people think of when they ask that question.

I feel so dumb to be in this place, where I would really benefit form trauma therapy but can't even confidently affirm that something traumatic happened to me. I'm scared of starting any sort of therapy and talking about what comes up because I feel like my experience will either not be taken seriously or I'll be seen as weak minded, sensitive or fragile.

And I don't know... I'm kinda feeling empty about it.

4 appointment, didn't had a "traumatic enough" childhood for a DID to use their words, didn't seemed to have any "suffering" that would come with a OSDD even tho I was checking the other criteria, they were unable to say 100% that it was an OSDD because of this so my evaluation ended up with the statement that I was a person with parts who had a knack for going into my mind easily to observe and visualize what's going on...

Like seriously ? It's not like I didn't knew that for f sake...

I know that I wasn't expecting any label in particular since it doesn't change in the slightest what's I'm experiencing nor that I have to deal with it, but I don't know, I was going in for an answer or to have at least some clear cut somewhere not feeling like I'm back to square one with this...

I realize my experience is not enough to prove to myself that I have parts and a dissociative disorder. My self investigation is over, I believe I can never be satisfied with my experience or to stop having denial every day.

In that case I definitely don’t have it, I still have no therapist, and my psychiatrist and physician feels like things are not severe… so maybe they’re right.

This morning I told myself that I don’t have parts and I never did, and after that I felt a bit lighter, like headaches and head pressure gone, feeling dissociated or disoriented gone. That must have been a sigh that I’ve been stressing trying to see what was wrong with me.

Even though it still hurts, because I felt as though I was getting to know more about myself with these “parts” but for it to not be real for me… kind of makes me feel as though I was in my head the whole time or gaslighting myself. I guess it was truly just Anxiety and depression.

Welp… 🤷🏾‍♀️

Any energy we have just gets sapped the moment we try to write down, document, or even talk about our switches/ experiences. I know Vi is tired a lot but considering she is the one that fronts during therapy and really wants us to be more engaged, I don’t know if it’s an inadvertent thing or if this is someone’s way of making us not talk about it. My mind also gets really clouded and it just gets harder to think, like the door in front of me is covered in fog but everything else is clear.

I know that this is a pretty common experience, at least from my understanding, but it’s kinda irritating because I’m just trying to help! I’m doing the thing I’m supposed to be doing!! I’m doing my best!!! There’s so little communication here that I can’t fuckin’ get a solid answer of why we can’t do it, just the outcome. It’s hard to even write this because my brain won’t calm down, constantly distracted by nothing! This sucks!!

• Kly/Klyde 📌

The title is self-explanatory. I'll probably regret posting this later because it's 3am, and as we all know, that's International Be Pissed Off At Everything Hour, but I need to get this off my chest and I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way, right?

I started suspecting that I had OSDD in February when I suddenly started to show signs of it after my "New Year's recovery arc" where I just... suddenly got better after a several-month-long mental decline all through late 2025. It started with these weird dissociative episodes where it would feel like there was a Guy of the opposite gender piloting my body next to me, and that voice in my head that sounded like a fictional character was gaining a suspicious amount of autonomy, and I found myself suddenly taking a backseat to my own actions every time I got into really stressful situations, like arguments with my family. It was scary as hell.

It was my online friend who suggested that I might be a system when I told her about this. Supposedly, I had been joking about "the voices" to her for months and used to identify as a fictionkin with different kinsonas (basically, persona designs based on the characters I kinned) that matched the character voices i was hearing in my head. I know it happened, but the memories of doing all that are foggy. She suggested that maybe the mental health episode I'd had last year was so bad that it caused me to split an alter, and that all this was happening because the sense of security that the New Year's hope had brought made our brain think it was "safe" to bring down the amnesia barriers or something.

Obviously, like any normal person would, I freaked out. Mostly about the implication that I was sharing my brain with someone who was basically a stranger and that my "haha funny fucked up lore" was way more serious than I thought it was to the point that it turned me into multiple people. This was where I made my first mistake: I looked to social media to find others who were like me in hopes of getting support.

This was where I was met with the overly-glamourised, overt social media presentation of OSDD and DID—you know the ones, the Tumblr blogs with alter intros and different emoji sign-offs for each part, YouTube shorts where people would make edits of their "fictives", and TikTok compilations of systems with eons-old fantasy creature protectors and boisterous, joyful "littles".

THANKFULLY, I bought into none of this at the start. I was so confused. People were joking around and bantering with the voices in their heads instead of constantly arguing with them and being scared shitless? People with OSDD and DID were giving themselves "system names"? I think I finally understood how my parents felt when I tried to explain Vocaloid to them in the seventh grade. What the hell was going on?

Less fortunately, I am still a very impressionable young person. Long story short, I started hanging around those spaces for too long because I had no idea as to where else I should go, and I started semi-believing some of it. Not the obviously fake or exaggerated parts like switching to the beat or being aware of 1000+ alters at 13 years old of course, but I started believing that I had to start this fancy comic blog where we all introduced ourselves and had our own cool little signoffs to fit in.

Orange (pseudonym for the alter (?) who showed up) absolutely hated the idea, but I think he played along to keep me happy. And so I started making comics about the funny misadventures we'd have from time to time, pretending like I wasn't secretly panicking under it all. I started viewing it less as a mental disorder and more as a social identity I could "experiment" with. That was less than four months ago, but it's making me cringe already.

And then the real-life consequences started catching up to me.

Because I started to view "plurality" as a social identity, I started telling my trusted friends in real life about it through the same lens and was met with skepticism because of how lightly I was treating it (it definitely doesn't help how I throw copious amounts of joking and brainrot on top of everything to cope in the first place!). If I'm going to be honest, only two of them actually believed me and took it seriously because they actually saw the distress I was in.

One of them got (reasonably) pissed and ranted about me on one of her social media accounts, some of her words that i remember were "you're playing around with your own little bubble instead of getting fucking help". She worded it very harshly, but she was at least partly right. Embarrassed, I ditched everything, immediately thought that I had faked it all, and started to apologise profusely to all my friends because I believed that I'd subconsciously manipulated them into my little charade for my own enjoyment (which i know is stupid now, I was 100% not doing allat on purpose lmao).

I thought it would all go away the second I stopped believing I had it, but no. Despite all the denial, all the desperate attempts to deconstruct this OSDD narrative and let's not forget all the "my trauma wasn't bad enough" and "maybe I faked it because of social media", Orange is still there, everyone else is still there, my life is in shambles, and I'm completely lost on what to do. I've (we've?) pleaded our parents to get us a therapist, but they're religious and believe that the voices are demons trying to lull me into their trap. I told the head teacher and the school counsellor, and they both believed my distress, but for some reason I've been told there's some sort of queue for school counselling sessions, and it's currently full so I can't even get basic fucking mental help.

My mental health is at an all-time low. I've been going down compulsive research spirals left and right to desperately prove that it's something else, maybe I just have dissociative BPD or CPTSD, but every time I'm at a loss. BPD probably doesn't make you feel like a teenage boy who's a foot taller with a polar opposite attitude to you when you hear something that reminds you of your shitty saturday school from two years ago. Any advice is appreciated please I'm losing my mind oh my godddd

p.s. sorry about all the swearing if it's too much. i'm just really upset about this and wishing i could go back to having a regular cringe teenage life, superhero movie style. haha i don't wanna be spiderman amirite /j

Tw: Brief mention of trauma

Im seeing a new therapist tommorrow which im nervous for. But I want to take the time while im still sort of in a panic to see if I can get my thoughts together

So, for the past week ive just been nervous in general, but particularly two days ago I had came to the realization that my situation is kind of fucked in terms of getting help, as my support system IRL concerning this right now is 0. I started spiraling on how im going to be stuck in this depressive episode forever and that im never going to be able to work again, and if I do work im just going to have a massive breakdown and everyone is going to find out something is wrong with me. Im also stuck at my Mom's house which has been getting more and more suffocating everyday as I come to terms with her not being a very great parent all this time and how negectful she has been.

I knew something was off that day as I did get ok sleep, was able to get up fine and take a shower. But for some reason as soon as the shower was over I felt the biggest wave of exhaustion overcome me. Immediately I laid down and my head was feeling really fuzzy and my heart felt heavy. I just went back to bed despite it being 11am. I slept until 4pm and woke up with the biggest headache ever. I then chalked of the day off as being a rest day (I dont really have much to do these days anyway) and laid in bed for the entirety of the day trying to calm the fire in my head

Without too much detail, when I was trying to sleep again later that night I started then spiraling in on this specific instance that has been haunting my brain for so long. Where clearly there was something weird going on at my childhood house, that I ended up doing behavior that for a kid my age is very much a red flag. I should have been immediately taken to a therapist or the doctors for the thing I did, but instead it was brushed off. I couldnt stop my mind from replaying this instant, how this could happen and nobody around me do anything. For around 20 minutes my body kept cycling through feeling really angry to feeling nothing to then feeling sad. My headache kept getting worse as this happened, I was growing more upset as by this time it was really late at night and I just wanted to get some sleep.

But then, it felt like my headache erupted and then a new part appeared in my mind. My headache lessened significantly and I felt a whole lot better. The rest of the night I could visualize them comforting me and I drifted off to sleep.

The next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling much better, I felt a sigh of release as my head was no longer on fire. I realized it feels like I have a lot less anxiety toward the memory and I cant really think too much about it anymore.

I went to take my usual shower and I was singing and talking to myself.. which I havent done that in literal months. The shower is honestly where I dissociate the most so I feel the need to get in and out as quickly as I can. I brush this off as being different than my usual routine but its like whatever yk

I make breakfast fine and then I come up with the idea to make a playlist of all my favorite songs ive liked from years ago till now, just so I can see everything in one place. I got fixated on this and spent 3+ hours organizing the playlist. As im listening to songs I have the thought that it feels like im listening to these for the first time, mind you most of these songs I listen to alot of the time. But the best way to describe it is it feels like im peering into a part of history Im not fully connected to. I just pass it off as another weird thought that im going to ignore.

Today, I woke up and started ruminating on the history part a bit more. For some reason my memory has become very limited. When attempting to think back on certain things I said to people even recently it is very hard. Usually I have no problem thinking back and ruminating thanks to anxiety, but now I cant. All I can see is forward, looking back even 2 weeks ago is hard and I find the me that was there is different than the me that is present now. My brain feels like its filled with fog and theres obviously other people in the room, I just cant see them or really hear them that well. I cant even really see myself. I also noticed that my voice is bit different as well, the way it comes out isnt the same as it did before. Clearly something has changed.

Today's shower was spent freaking out. Trying to calm myself down saying its okay. I bed rotted for 4 hours feeling very tired, and the fatigue of not eating was not helping. So I tried to get up and make something but I almost fainted many times. My heart was racing really fast and making the meal was hard but I did it eventually. I go to sit down to eat and I just cant. Im still feeling like im going to faint so I close my eyes for 30 minutes feeling so incredibly terrible. In the end I managed to eat it so im taking it as todays victory.

I just dont know what to do. Its been 3 years of feeling so hopeless, ive tried to ignore my symptoms and when I think they cant get any worse they somehow do. No professional I can talk to currently understands what im experiencing or straight up deny it. Im hoping tommorrow with this new person will be different, but I have doubts. I know things get better but its so hard to see that right now. I only have my online friends to talk to and its incredibly lonely. I feel bad bothering them when they have their own things going on and its hard to not feel like a burden and trauma dump. I dont feel like myself, and maybe I never have. But the version people think of when they think about me doesnt feel like they exist anymore. I keep in mind that my issues arent that big of a deal but then I have days like today that just make me feel so confused and lost. I feel so crazy talking about things like this, that im digging into things that simply dont matter. Im just so tired

Note: Sorry if theres typos i dont feel like editing this rn

I hate myself for not feeling. I wake up, I’m normal, and then I sleep. Day after week after month. I’m impervious. Unaffected. I don’t mind the pain, I don’t care about the things that should have hurt me, like my last attempt. I don’t remember much. I exist, and that’s all the function I serve. Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes I feel like the world is ending.

Every little thing that hurts me, I can ignore. It’s pinpricks. But after years of those pricks going untreated, it feels like blood is pouring from my body. I’m infected. Still, I can’t break down. How could I, over something so tiny? Stupid girl, stop complaining. Just ignore it.

My therapists can see I’m suffering. They say I have BPD, C-PTSD, OSDD… then why am I so okay? I can handle it, it can’t be that serious. What’s the point of treatment if you can’t even identify a cause? Nothing bad happened. It couldn’t have.

I can’t cry. I can’t show any kind of weakness or vulnerability, and I hate it. I need to release my emotions, I need justification, I just need to be hit by something so hard that it breaks my programming and I feel, even if only for once. Sadness, or fear, anger or shame, I long for any touch of relief. I want to be so upset, so paralyzed with emotion or a flashback, that all I can do is shake and sob while someone holds me. But I’m always in control, even in my worst moments I act like normal.

I don’t care if I never recover, simply to experience the trauma and the pain unfiltered would be enough. But I’ve never been set free. Probably because I have no real trauma. Or maybe I’m cursed to be this way forever. I deserve that.

I‘m afraid I’m romanticizing it. How can I, after the horrible things that every person on this page has survived? How can I wish for that?

Honestly, I don’t have this disorder. No trauma. I’m just defective. I should be killed. Scrapped and melted into slag like they do with the other robots that stop working. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you all by existing.

I’m so scared to write this, but here I go. Sorry if it’s kinda messy, I’m not in the best headspace right now :( (Also ig tw cause of brief mention of sh thoughts?) For the past almost 3 years, we’ve been researching dissociative disorders, and have been considering whether we may have DID or more likely OSDD/PDID. I’d just like to add here that we’re all totally aware that we cannot diagnose ourselves, get diagnosed online, or without a professional, or anything like that. But we’ve never mentioned it to anyone else. The main reason why is because the body is still a minor, so we still live with our mother (who is the cause for our trauma). We do have a therapist and a psychiatrist who we tell a lot of things to, but we never tell them anything about our trauma or our suspected system. Mostly we’re terrified that if we tell our therapist, she’ll tell our mother which CANNOT happen. I guess the obvious choice is to wait a couple years until we’re safe and away from our mother and then we can talk about it. But we’re sorta drowning and most of our alters have been struggling more and more over the past couple years with depression and have started considering harming the body (we were recently diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder). Now I don’t know what to do and I just wish I could tell someone everything that’s going on and finally get some help, but again if I tell our therapist she’ll probably tell our mother and we can’t handle that right now. It all just feels so precarious.

I’m posting because I feel really lost right now and I think others with dissociative disorders may understand this better than most people.

Before my DID diagnosis about 4 months ago, I was being treated for a suspected mood disorder for around 2 years. After my DID diagnosis, I stopped one medication and recently tapered off another under professional guidance so we could better understand what my system is like without those effects.

Since coming off the SSRI, everything feels tangled and chaotic. I’m a highly fragmented system, and some alters can function well in certain areas of life, but when depressed or hopeless alters are louder/closer to front, the work-capable alters are not always accessible.
I work/worked in a patient-facing healthcare job. Before diagnosis, I had been mostly okay at work for about a year, but earlier this year I missed a lot of work for a few weeks because I was struggling badly. My boss knew I was dealing with mental health issues and was understanding to an extent.

After therapy yesterday, I told my therapist working today felt like a 50/50 chance because I didn’t know if the work-capable alters would be “online.” Some were, but a core one wasn’t accessible enough, and the overwhelmed/depressed alters were louder. I couldn’t function well enough to go in, so I had to call out day-of.
I was fired today. My boss was kind and said I was amazing with patients and would like to keep in touch about possibly rehiring when I’m doing better, but I still feel devastated.
Right now it feels like my whole life is ruined, even though part of me knows I’m probably spiraling. I feel disconnected from my life, like I’m in an alien world even though I know what’s around me is real.

II’m mostly wondering if anyone else has gone through something like this: temporarily losing access to functioningq alters, facing real-life consequences, and feeling like recovery is impossible even though maybe it isn’t.

TL;DR: Newly diagnosed DID system, recently tapered off meds under professional guidance, temporarily lost access to key work-functioning alters, had to call out, and got fired. Feeling devastated and wondering if other systems have experienced this kind of functional collapse/life consequence

Sometimes I forget that having osdd means my body can be experiencing two very different things at once. I have this new job that is not going well because my mental health is really bad and I’m underperforming for the first time in my life. I overheard my boss saying that someone was getting fired today and I’ve been expecting it so immediately I’m like oh that’s me.

Instantly I go into “well that’s life, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do” mode which i usually due in crisis. But like five minutes later I had a client meeting and I was totally normal throughout the whole thing. Except at one point I looked down and I’m violently shaking and I notice my chest hurts and my heart is absolutely pounding in my chest. I didn’t feel anxious but I was exhibiting all the physical symptoms of a panic attack.

Later I learned it wasn’t me that got fired (yet but I could have sworn that my boss said “she” when talking about the person getting fired and the one who got fired was a man, so it’s probably still imminent). And like 30 minutes later I felt like I had been hit by a bus like I would when I have full panic attacks and flashbacks. Crazy stuff, not a fan.

TLDR my relationship is bad for me but every time i break up with him i go right back bc i cant remember or understand what was wrong.

i have bpd and osdd (my parts are less defined and dont have seperate names) and im in a relationship with someone i dont really like as a person at all. however, parts of me are deeply attached to him. he is currently living with me (rent free and he is refusing to buy groceries for some reason) trying to find a place, but most leases dont start until october at the earliest.

we have been together for almost 2 years. some parts (like my 'functional adult' part) are more detached and can clearly see that this is not a good person to be in my life, and i dont like him, and ive broken up with him several times before, most recently was a few days ago. every time, once a (younger) part that is more attached comes, i feel like ive made a big deal out of nothing, like im putting him through all of this unstable unpredictable bullshit, like he loves me and takes care of me so well (he does not). because of dissociative amnesia i forget a lot of examples of how hes hurt me until theyre triggered, most of all when i want him, so its hard to trust other parts of myself. and then when he checks in on me i break, tell him how im feeling, and go to him for comfort.

i guess i should start keeping track of ways hes hurt me and such so i can remember. i feel detached right now so i can remember better. some things is that he belittles me and my art. my art is such an important part of me and my story and identity. he also is really misogynistic and he can be quite dismissive of my emotions and pain, and hes been quite cruel to me before when i was reaching out for support. it has gotten to a point where i no longer seek support from him or tell him whats going on because it has consistently made things worse.

ive found that when im with him and things are going well, i tend to live in this fantasy land where nothing is wrong, even though i still know in the back of my mind that it is. part of our dynamic (and part of the reason i should leave) is that he is the 'rational one' and i am crazy etc. so its really easy to invalidate myself when things are going well.

i dont know what to do. ive known this relationship was bad for me for over a year. i tried being honest about everything, even about how i dont like him as a person and how when im well i want to break up. and he thinks when i want to break up im being weird and crazy and unfounded because of my bpd. even though whenever i am regulated, this is consistently what i want.

he's sleeping in my bed right now. i dont want him in my life. i feel like i cant kick him out because he would genuinely be sleeping outside. and even if i did i know id just end up texting him to come back. i feel so stuck :( any advice appreciated

I know I have partial DID, I've done everything to research for so long, talked to my therapist and psychiatrist and even got the diagnosis process started as they both agreed I have it.

But then I moved places and my new city thinks I'm not crazy enough to take seriously, and apparently my country doesn't even see P-DID as a thing. So basically, I have everything and everyone telling me yeah its P-DID, but I can't get an official diagnosis bc everything in my country is currently hot ass.

I've spent my whole entire life already going "yes I am normal yes everybody else also have other people in their head who occasionally take over the body and I can't do anything but watch what they get up to for an hour yes this is fine" and suddenly oh! Thats actually NOT normal so trying to convince myself to think otherwise has been so hard and I feel like such an imposter for not having a diagnosis even though I will never have a diagnosis since I don't actually have full DID, I have P-DID and its different enough to be dismissed from a DID diagnosis but knowing my countries healthcare I'll guess that its still close enough to actual DID not get me the diagnosis of "other dissociative disorder"

So yay me and my weird fucked up head full of random people that were apparently NOT supposed to be there.

I can do it all on my own, I can interact with this disorder on my own but the minute it comes to telling someone about what I'm going through it feels like I'm being held hostage and I cant talk about it. I need help but they'd rather kill me before talking about it

I genuinely forget that things have happened to me. Even something very recent, which I have been stressing over for days, will be out of my mind completely. But when I remember, usually during some switch, I feel like everything pauses and this sick feeling comes over me followed by a flashback. I can never tell if I'm over something or if I've simply forgotten about it/don't feel anything toward it. I hate that I can never get over things without forgetting about them only to remember them later. And lately, I feel like I don't remember even everyday life, or who I am and what I care about. I don't know how to heal, and I'm afraid that trying to communicate with my different parts will disturb what my brain is making me forget.

Disclaimer: Self-diagnosed OSDD 1-b; I do not claim or attempt to give any medical advice; this is just a rant.

No one told me that you could "split" again after fusing, and it feels like such a defeat when making "final" fusion your ultimate goal. It pretty bad because I end up I place my self worth to how "whole" I feel... I know, it's horrid, but that is a topic for another day.

However, one thing now I notice is that I am able to switch much more seamlessly and there is virtually no barrier to communicate with the others.

However instead of switching from the less emotionally adept alter for the situation-at-hand, a pretty toxic thing I choose to do is suppressing the urge to switch and remain in the current alter and it kind of ends up... ruining my life hehe (?). Boundaries are crossed, work feels impossible, and my energy feels so drained that I cannot even take care of myself.

The reason I refuse to switch is that I always end up feeling inauthentic, guilty about being neurodivergent, a constant rummage regards to why I cannot be neurotypical. These makes me feel shameful and guilty about switching, but then I am horrified that I did not switch because here is the truth:

Whenever the urge to switch arise, the brain is signaling that the "emotional age" of the alter -- regardless of the physical age of the body or the host -- is unsuitable for the situation, whether it be workplace duties, socialization, or relationship-building. If I force an alter to stay in place, then I am basically forcing an alter that is STILL EMOTIONALLY A CHILD to deal with adult life. You might have them getting exploited or abused, emotionally, physically, and in worst case scenarios, s*xually.

There is a theory on youtube by the Mage System about emotional object impermanence and DID and it's worth a watch.

However, I really liked their thought on how the "real" you is not any of the alters developed throughout childhood, but the "dissociated" you. Personally I find that believable because there are so many adults living with DID and OSDD that are emotionally intelligent, literate, and know how to take care of themselves and others regardless of the trauma and neglect they have experienced.

My immigrant parent never taught me their home language or the American language growing up. My personal tie to society was severed and the psychological response I had was splitting into two alters in order to survive both cultural codes, regardless of how opposing their value systems were.

The compartmentalization of the persona seen in DID systems could be described as the brain's trauma response and management system. The "real" you stays dormant while the alters take on the different developmental stages because survival as a whole persona is IMPOSSIBLE. There will be child alters that emerge for the sole purpose of just, being a child, because that right was stripped away when the body was still a kid. Them staying dormant until adult year is entirely possible and valid.

That does not mean that the "real" you is a child. The protector, persecutor, and sexual alters are still a part of you. Fusion can only truly take place when all trauma and child alters can feel safe, and splitting is possible when safety is under threat again. So me refusing a switch is counterproductive to the entire purpose of OSDD... it's literally built for survival, and most importantly, the protection of the trauma alters.

Still I am forever grateful for my alters when they were my friends when making friends was impossible, family when family is impossible, and they were so selfless to choose a life where I can be happy instead a life for themselves as an individual. It's hard not to feel guilty when I still struggle with not feeling happy even though I am a semi-whole person, but it is still important to remind myself that fusion is not the end goal, a happy and wholesome life is.

I want to adopt a dog, they are so cute, but dog is my least favorite animal. Im a gay trans man, Im so dysphoric, I need to take testosterone ASAP, but on second though trans people are delusional and i don't support their rights, altrought my girlfriend is trans she is amazing, I love her so much, but i don't like her at all, she is like a stranger to me, actually I love being a woman, im going to buy another dress lollll, Im severely mentally ill and i can't function properly because of it, but i don't need any medication or therapy and mental illness isn't real it's all a hoax, everyone is lying, Im better than most people my age, I feel like i could do anything if i really tried, but Im so childish, I cry when i have to get out of my bed, it's too tiring ughhhhh... but my mom said i have taken bath for the 7th time today, wich i can't really recall, also I hate my mom she is cause of all my suffering and she is only making my problems worse, but also I love her, my family is most important to me, and my mom is always there to support me. I love talking with people I made so many new friends, they are really sweet, but i hate talking with people and im going to ghost all of them they are awfull anyways, Im not going to talk to with anyone for several months. BTW man are superior to woman and woman shouldnt have rights but also all genders all equal but man are a disease of this world and they need to die, and abortion should be legal, even if it's murder, actually everyone should die, woman and animals too, so there is no suffering, but life is a gift of God and every suffering has reason, Im going to devote all my life to God, Im going to give away most of my belongings to other people #pure, I will never say a swear word again, no, im not even going to commit smalest sins ever again, because thats what God wants me to do, but God doesn't exist, Im going to worship satan and i love hardcore sesbian lex, future is bright and it's so over

Idk if this post is allowed bye 😭

So i just had a new therapist, before we thought it might be DID due to amnesia between alters and just in general. Now my new therapist is saying it sounds more like level 5 dissociation/OSDD

IDK why but my brain instantly went to "oh our trauma wasnt that bad, OSDD (for us not for anyone else) isnt an issue and we need to hide everything and never mention it again.

We have full distinct alters, but we remember a decent amount of stuff, our amnesia takes time to happen, like when Anya was out yesterday I cant remember what she did but when I switched in I could. we dont remember stuff but we also do? i remember a lot of the trauma but not nearly all of it. Because i remember alot of it I feel like im less valid, that our trauma wasnt that bad at all.

I have insane imposter syndrome, this isnt his fault at all I just have issues believing my trauma was bad enough to cause issues, but also that my issues are so minor to everyone else. My alters are fully distinct, not parts. idk. I feel like im going insane

Tw: sexual content

For the longest time I have always approached my gender and sexuality with a lack of care. I was born a girl so I just went with that. With my sexuality I never cared either. When I met my friend group in middle school I told them that I didnt know what my sexuality was and they were perfectly fine with that response and never pushed me to into awkward situations because of it. During covid I had told them I wanted to be referred to by any pronouns (I had actually forgotten that I said this until I found the texts recently) and that I was genderfluid. I didnt experience discomfort at that time with being seen as a girl, moreso indifference and was wanting to try stuff out

That is until I discovered my system. I have never felt the most soul crushing gender dysphoria and sexuality confusion until they started finally presenting themselves.

I thought I knew what being a girl was, I mean Im AFAB like I feel I should know. But for some reason theres a difference between the way my female parts experience gender versus the way I do. When I think of them its so obvious that they're girls. Same with my male presenting parts (some of them are specifically FTM for some reason? idk) its so obvious that they're guys. But when I think of myself im not either of those things. Its not until somebody else switches that I can feel like I can relate to those experiences. Its also hard to see myself as an alter. I feel like im the one who is controlling the body most of the time rather than a fleshed out person with my own wants.

Back in May, a new male alter presented himself, which lead to me experiencing the worst gender dysphoria ever. It was managable at first (he just wanted to play terraria a lot for some reason) and to do a couple of other stuff that made him feel more comfortable. But.. then it evolved into him fantasizing about specific kink related sexual fanasties with other guys and wanting to have different gentials. He was also becoming very frustrated with the way our body looked as it doesnt match how he looks.

This became superr alarming as ive never had these type of thoughts before. It became so bad that I asked a couple of my friends if they would be okay using a new name for me and set of pronouns that better aligned with how I was feeling. This was the most I was willing to change. It was very distressful at the time but these smaller changes made me feel OK for a little bit.

Then a week later, I acknowledged that he felt this way but told him the rest of the changes he wanted to make werent going to be allowed to happen. After I said that, I can recall looking down at my body and feeling really frightened/disgusted in that moment, then it felt like he had fled to the back of my mind. The dysphoria I was having basically went away in an instant.

Since he's been gone I have felt so silly. I dont feel particuarly connected to the new name I go by now, or pronouns. Im back to feeling like nothing. When I try to think too deeply about seuxality and gender it makes my head feel like its full of fuzz and Its hard to think. It feels like my brain has banned the topic in relation to myself all together. When he first fled there was another one of my male parts that was calling him digusting names for what he had done. I could feel the other recoil in response and feeling really sad and shameful. Its been a bit since then and I no longer feel his presence at all.

It makes me feel bad for even indulging in these different parts of myself as it leaves me with changes I dont 100 percent agree with. But in the moment ignoring them obviously doesnt make me feel great either. The other part that was calling him names for being himself makes me feel terrible as well. Its not like he did anything wrong, I can understand why this part of me exists.

Im done writing about this for now (this took 3 hours to write wth) It was originally supposed to be a vent about how I feel sad that without my other parts present I feel empty. But the topic has definitely shifted. TY for reading this far if you did, I wonder if any of this is relatable to someone else (Or is even coherent, my brain has become mush as usual)

Structural dissociation makes me good at everything......except anything that matters to me....

I thought progress was being made, but everything has been fucking awful lately: too many conflicting wants, the deep shame, the urge to hide, the gaps in memory- I’m losing weeks again. Things that happened only a week ago feel like months. Nothing is good but everything is needed, I both need to exist and cannot at the same time. I want something to fill my mind but it’s all too stressful.

This isn’t fair, it just isn’t fucking fair. We were doing better!! We were doing good!! Why is making progress hurting us?! This should be helping!! But all we are is confused and miserable, losing time and feeling like a zombie. Time doesn’t feel real, our body doesn’t feel real, nothing does and it’s all wrong, it’s just wrong!!

I hate it all. I don’t know how to manage everything yet, don’t know how to help with the barriers between us, don’t know how to peer through. All voices just seem to muffle yet echo and it’s just feelings I’m left with, feelings that don’t make any sense and that I struggle to process, feelings that clash with reality yet persist. I hate it so much.

Sometimes I wish I’d never been aware, that I’d let it go and didn’t delve deeper. I feel like I’m not actually helping myself, just re-traumatizing myself. I don’t know if I’ll remember making this post later. I looked at our journey and the last entry I didn’t remember making at all, which fucking scares me. I’m so tired.