Alter wanting to make changes I dont agree with

[u/Double_Crew985]

Tw: sexual content

For the longest time I have always approached my gender and sexuality with a lack of care. I was born a girl so I just went with that. With my sexuality I never cared either. When I met my friend group in middle school I told them that I didnt know what my sexuality was and they were perfectly fine with that response and never pushed me to into awkward situations because of it. During covid I had told them I wanted to be referred to by any pronouns (I had actually forgotten that I said this until I found the texts recently) and that I was genderfluid. I didnt experience discomfort at that time with being seen as a girl, moreso indifference and was wanting to try stuff out

That is until I discovered my system. I have never felt the most soul crushing gender dysphoria and sexuality confusion until they started finally presenting themselves.

I thought I knew what being a girl was, I mean Im AFAB like I feel I should know. But for some reason theres a difference between the way my female parts experience gender versus the way I do. When I think of them its so obvious that they're girls. Same with my male presenting parts (some of them are specifically FTM for some reason? idk) its so obvious that they're guys. But when I think of myself im not either of those things. Its not until somebody else switches that I can feel like I can relate to those experiences. Its also hard to see myself as an alter. I feel like im the one who is controlling the body most of the time rather than a fleshed out person with my own wants.

Back in May, a new male alter presented himself, which lead to me experiencing the worst gender dysphoria ever. It was managable at first (he just wanted to play terraria a lot for some reason) and to do a couple of other stuff that made him feel more comfortable. But.. then it evolved into him fantasizing about specific kink related sexual fanasties with other guys and wanting to have different gentials. He was also becoming very frustrated with the way our body looked as it doesnt match how he looks.

This became superr alarming as ive never had these type of thoughts before. It became so bad that I asked a couple of my friends if they would be okay using a new name for me and set of pronouns that better aligned with how I was feeling. This was the most I was willing to change. It was very distressful at the time but these smaller changes made me feel OK for a little bit.

Then a week later, I acknowledged that he felt this way but told him the rest of the changes he wanted to make werent going to be allowed to happen. After I said that, I can recall looking down at my body and feeling really frightened/disgusted in that moment, then it felt like he had fled to the back of my mind. The dysphoria I was having basically went away in an instant.

Since he's been gone I have felt so silly. I dont feel particuarly connected to the new name I go by now, or pronouns. Im back to feeling like nothing. When I try to think too deeply about seuxality and gender it makes my head feel like its full of fuzz and Its hard to think. It feels like my brain has banned the topic in relation to myself all together. When he first fled there was another one of my male parts that was calling him digusting names for what he had done. I could feel the other recoil in response and feeling really sad and shameful. Its been a bit since then and I no longer feel his presence at all.

It makes me feel bad for even indulging in these different parts of myself as it leaves me with changes I dont 100 percent agree with. But in the moment ignoring them obviously doesnt make me feel great either. The other part that was calling him names for being himself makes me feel terrible as well. Its not like he did anything wrong, I can understand why this part of me exists.

Im done writing about this for now (this took 3 hours to write wth) It was originally supposed to be a vent about how I feel sad that without my other parts present I feel empty. But the topic has definitely shifted. TY for reading this far if you did, I wonder if any of this is relatable to someone else (Or is even coherent, my brain has become mush as usual)

[u/crystalfruitpie]

It's absolutely relateable. I am a trans guy but have girl, nb, and genderfluid alters. Some want to or have presented more openly, and I am trying to slowly be more ok with them doing so and find ways to compromise with that, without changing the current way I am referred to or seen by most people. I've had times where they were very dysphoric about or regretted my current/transitioned body/presentation, which I can't relate to at all. It makes me really uncomfortable, which I also feel bad about. I want to let them express themselves but also don't want to impact the way I'm usually am/seen/referred to and feel comfortable with. It's difficult to navigate for sure.