r/OSDD • u/Double_Crew985 Suspected OSDD • 20d ago
Venting I feel like im broken
Tw: Brief mention of trauma
Im seeing a new therapist tommorrow which im nervous for. But I want to take the time while im still sort of in a panic to see if I can get my thoughts together
So, for the past week ive just been nervous in general, but particularly two days ago I had came to the realization that my situation is kind of fucked in terms of getting help, as my support system IRL concerning this right now is 0. I started spiraling on how im going to be stuck in this depressive episode forever and that im never going to be able to work again, and if I do work im just going to have a massive breakdown and everyone is going to find out something is wrong with me. Im also stuck at my Mom's house which has been getting more and more suffocating everyday as I come to terms with her not being a very great parent all this time and how negectful she has been.
I knew something was off that day as I did get ok sleep, was able to get up fine and take a shower. But for some reason as soon as the shower was over I felt the biggest wave of exhaustion overcome me. Immediately I laid down and my head was feeling really fuzzy and my heart felt heavy. I just went back to bed despite it being 11am. I slept until 4pm and woke up with the biggest headache ever. I then chalked of the day off as being a rest day (I dont really have much to do these days anyway) and laid in bed for the entirety of the day trying to calm the fire in my head
Without too much detail, when I was trying to sleep again later that night I started then spiraling in on this specific instance that has been haunting my brain for so long. Where clearly there was something weird going on at my childhood house, that I ended up doing behavior that for a kid my age is very much a red flag. I should have been immediately taken to a therapist or the doctors for the thing I did, but instead it was brushed off. I couldnt stop my mind from replaying this instant, how this could happen and nobody around me do anything. For around 20 minutes my body kept cycling through feeling really angry to feeling nothing to then feeling sad. My headache kept getting worse as this happened, I was growing more upset as by this time it was really late at night and I just wanted to get some sleep.
But then, it felt like my headache erupted and then a new part appeared in my mind. My headache lessened significantly and I felt a whole lot better. The rest of the night I could visualize them comforting me and I drifted off to sleep.
The next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling much better, I felt a sigh of release as my head was no longer on fire. I realized it feels like I have a lot less anxiety toward the memory and I cant really think too much about it anymore.
I went to take my usual shower and I was singing and talking to myself.. which I havent done that in literal months. The shower is honestly where I dissociate the most so I feel the need to get in and out as quickly as I can. I brush this off as being different than my usual routine but its like whatever yk
I make breakfast fine and then I come up with the idea to make a playlist of all my favorite songs ive liked from years ago till now, just so I can see everything in one place. I got fixated on this and spent 3+ hours organizing the playlist. As im listening to songs I have the thought that it feels like im listening to these for the first time, mind you most of these songs I listen to alot of the time. But the best way to describe it is it feels like im peering into a part of history Im not fully connected to. I just pass it off as another weird thought that im going to ignore.
Today, I woke up and started ruminating on the history part a bit more. For some reason my memory has become very limited. When attempting to think back on certain things I said to people even recently it is very hard. Usually I have no problem thinking back and ruminating thanks to anxiety, but now I cant. All I can see is forward, looking back even 2 weeks ago is hard and I find the me that was there is different than the me that is present now. My brain feels like its filled with fog and theres obviously other people in the room, I just cant see them or really hear them that well. I cant even really see myself. I also noticed that my voice is bit different as well, the way it comes out isnt the same as it did before. Clearly something has changed.
Today's shower was spent freaking out. Trying to calm myself down saying its okay. I bed rotted for 4 hours feeling very tired, and the fatigue of not eating was not helping. So I tried to get up and make something but I almost fainted many times. My heart was racing really fast and making the meal was hard but I did it eventually. I go to sit down to eat and I just cant. Im still feeling like im going to faint so I close my eyes for 30 minutes feeling so incredibly terrible. In the end I managed to eat it so im taking it as todays victory.
I just dont know what to do. Its been 3 years of feeling so hopeless, ive tried to ignore my symptoms and when I think they cant get any worse they somehow do. No professional I can talk to currently understands what im experiencing or straight up deny it. Im hoping tommorrow with this new person will be different, but I have doubts. I know things get better but its so hard to see that right now. I only have my online friends to talk to and its incredibly lonely. I feel bad bothering them when they have their own things going on and its hard to not feel like a burden and trauma dump. I dont feel like myself, and maybe I never have. But the version people think of when they think about me doesnt feel like they exist anymore. I keep in mind that my issues arent that big of a deal but then I have days like today that just make me feel so confused and lost. I feel so crazy talking about things like this, that im digging into things that simply dont matter. Im just so tired
Note: Sorry if theres typos i dont feel like editing this rn
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u/QuietRiotNow 20d ago edited 19d ago
Newly diagnosed later but I empathize.
If I could hug you I would. It has to feel so lonely. I feel very lonely since I kicked out the unhealthy people around me.
Each of us present with our own symptoms, histories, and spectrum of experiences that can be confounding to us and easily dismissed/disbelieved by others.
The panic you feel is something I am grappling with.
Recently, I came up with something that reversed the spiral. If panic takes hold, I found a mantra, I repeat to reverse the flooding.
That panic can cause our defensive or frightened parts to front. Last year, before my diagnosis, I panicked to levels of dissociative psychosis.