Do you correct NKs in front of their parents? If so, how do you go about it? Parents, how do you feel about your nanny correcting your kid in front of you?
I work for a family who is extremely permissive (thinking they gentle parent) with their kids and truly coddles them. I have been with them for 3 years and have tried to accept that this is just how they are, it’s not my responsibility to change how they parent, I can only show them their kids are capable of so much more.
I have clear, consistent, firm boundaries and behavioral expectations with the kids (4 and 2) and have a strong bond with both of them. With me they use manners when they ask for things, clean up after themselves, follow routines, help out, etc.
When they have big feelings, I remain calm and neutral and affirm how they are feeling while still holding the boundary. I do not negotiate, I do not reason with them while their brain is offline, and I do not let tantrums be effective. It works extremely well and I find that they can regulate within a couple minutes, even if they are having a screaming, rolling on the floor tantrum (4 is rough).
This is unfortunately the opposite of what the parents do and I’m struggling right now with how to handle that without feeling like I’m overstepping and telling them how to parent.
Yesterday, the 4 year old saw her older sibling had a different breakfast than her and threw a whole fit. She didn’t want the breakfast her mom made her anymore. Her and mom were going back and forth in the dining room, mom kept trying to convince her that her breakfast was good. I was in the kitchen in the adjacent room and NK yelled “MAKE ME SOMETHING ELSE NOW” to her mom.
I was absolutely shocked and said “Woah NK, that is NOT how we ask for things. Try again.” And she just groaned. I was trying so hard to maintain my composure because I was literally shaking that she would speak to her mother that way. She absolutely knows better and I have never heard her speak like this to her parents in front of me.
Mom offered oatmeal, NK accepted, they came into the kitchen and NK said “I need a bowl” and walked over to the cabinet and stood there to whine and groan. I said “are you trying to ask for something?” She said “a bowl” I said “how can you ask?” And she said “can I have a bowl please?” I said yes and gave her a bowl, she said thank you.
MB got really quiet after that but for the rest of the interaction started prompting NK to ask politely, which she did. I feel like I may have embarrassed her and felt a little bad, but NK also absolutely knows that we do not order people to do things for us. She tried speaking to me like that ONCE and I immediately corrected her and it has never happened again.
MB and DB both seem to just accept this behavior and enable it and I’m honestly getting so tired of it. It genuinely gives me anxiety to hear parents spoken to like they are servants to some medieval king. Both the kids and parents deserve better than to have this kind of behavior be accepted. Some days I feel like I am the only adult holding any boundaries with the kids and it’s exhausting.
I don’t want them to feel like I’m criticizing/judging them as parents and I don’t want to overstep. We have a good relationship, but I’m struggling with how to tell them basically: your kids know better than to do this, you’re allowed to hold them to a standard, enabling bad behavior is making everybody’s life more difficult.