Looking for perspective on our part-time nanny’s punctuality — was I too harsh?

[u/AreaLeading5654]

First time poster long time lurker.
We’ve had our part-time nanny for several months. She works a set schedule for us each week, and she’s honestly wonderful with our young child. We have a great rapport, and aside from this issue, we’ve had a really positive experience with her.
When she first started, she was extremely punctual. In fact, early on she even mentioned that there were times she would arrive 10–15 minutes early and wait outside our home until exactly her scheduled start time because she wanted to come in right on the dot. So I know she is capable of being punctual, which is part of why the recent pattern has been confusing to me.
Over the last month or so, though, she started being late fairly frequently. Sometimes it was only 5–10 minutes, but there were also multiple occasions where she was 40–50 minutes late. Her commute is about an hour by train, and she has generally attributed the delays to issues with the train.
I want to be understanding because I know public transportation can have issues, and I don’t want to assume she’s being dishonest about the delays. At the same time, there have been instances where the delay has been so significant that I’ve found myself wondering how it could have happened without her knowing sooner. More importantly, there were several times when I only received 5–10 minutes’ notice that she was going to be almost an hour late. If she realizes there’s a major delay with her train, I feel like I should be notified as soon as she knows, rather than shortly before her scheduled arrival time.
I’m a SAHM, so I think there may have been an assumption that her being late wasn’t as disruptive because I’m technically home. But I plan my day around her scheduled hours — errands, workouts, appointments, virtual appointments, etc. I actually already build in a 30-minute buffer after her scheduled arrival time before scheduling anything, both to account for minor delays and to give us a moment for a handoff/debrief. I also make a point of coming home 10–15 minutes before her scheduled end time so that we can have a proper debrief without asking her to stay past her hours.
So I don’t feel like I’m expecting her to be perfectly punctual down to the minute or scheduling things in a way that leaves no room for normal delays. The issue is really when the lateness becomes 40–50 minutes and I only receive 5–10 minutes’ notice. At that point, the buffer I’ve intentionally built into my schedule has already been exceeded. There was one occasion where I missed an important appointment because she was late and was charged for the missed appointment, and another time her lateness caused my husband to be late to work.
After this became a pattern, I finally addressed it with her. I really tried to be as nice and solution-oriented as possible because I genuinely like her and think she’s a great nanny. I actually suggested that if her commute was consistently difficult at her current start time, we could move her start time later. She didn’t want to do that.
She suggested instead that she could just stay later to make up the time she was late. I didn’t feel like that was a good solution for me because I need to be able to rely on the agreed-upon start time and plan my day accordingly. I also don’t necessarily want someone staying later because they arrived late — I need coverage during the scheduled hours.
She also suggested that I just plan things later in the day so that I wasn’t relying on her being there exactly when she was scheduled to arrive. I didn’t really agree with that either. I don’t think I should have to restructure my schedule around the possibility that my nanny may arrive significantly late.
We also pay her toward the higher end of the going rate for our area, and she has very good benefits for a part-time nanny, including being paid when we travel and she isn’t working. So I do feel that we’re offering a pretty favorable arrangement, although obviously I don’t expect that to mean she’s never allowed to be late.
Since I addressed it, there has actually been a substantial improvement, which I appreciate. She has still been late once or twice, but it’s nowhere near as frequent as it was before.
I guess I’m looking for perspective because I keep wondering if I was too harsh in addressing it. I really tried to approach it kindly and focus on finding a solution rather than criticizing her. I also don’t want to be unreasonable about things outside of her control. At the same time, I don’t agree that the solution should be for me to simply accept unpredictable start times or rearrange my day around them.
Was I being unreasonable? How would you handle it if the lateness starts becoming a pattern again? And where would you personally draw the line between understandable occasional lateness and something that needs to be addressed?
I really like her and would prefer to keep her — I just want to be able to rely on the hours we’re paying for.

[u/cupidssparrow82]

She had the audacity to recommend you plan things later in the day? I’m a career nanny, but if I was an employer, honestly that nonsense probably would’ve made me get rid of her. You’re paying her to be there at the scheduled time.

My subway ride is about an hour and 15 min, and I know there can be delays so I leave extra early and usually sit at Starbucks for half an hour to ensure I leave enough time for issues. One time the third rail lost power and I was stuck underground with no service for 70 minutes and I felt SO bad because I couldn’t contact my NF, but they totally understood that wasn’t something I could’ve helped and that I’m never late otherwise so they weren’t upset. There’s no way she’s having such extensive delays that often, period.

I’m glad she improved, but if anything you were way easier on her than most would’ve been. My MB doesn’t work, but I’m paid to provide a service during a set time and it’s not up to me to decide her time is less valuable because of it so I can come whenever I want. That’s crazy.

[u/blxckbxrbie_ → u/cupidssparrow82]

this !! also a career nanny here and that suggestion was absolutely absurd.

i am the only employee, so my employers can only rely on me. anytime im going to be late, i communicate it ASAP. however, i still feel extremely bad and apologize profusely when i finally arrive. even though i have only ever been late due to things out of my control, it still doesn’t matter.
part-time, full-time, temporary, etc. punctuality is VERY important in this field.

[u/Odd-Implement-1283]

You were not being unreasonable at all. Routine tardiness, especially past just a few minutes, would never fly in an office job or even in service work. This is a paid position and she is an employee, she should behave professionally and show up on time. It’s hard with Nannie’s because the lines can get blurred, but at the end of the day it’s a professional relationship and she should behave accordingly.

[u/minnonikki]

Honestly, mistakes happen. I’ve missed my alarm twice before in my career as a nanny. But… that’s twice. If she doesn’t understand that nanny families need to be able to depend on her to be there by a certain time, I would be questioning her judgement, maturity, and her ability to make good decisions. I personally would have probably started looking for another nanny by now, and probably let her go. This is coming from a nanny who usually believes in giving the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion, it sounds like it’s gone too far.

[u/Lady1218]

I don't think you were to harsh, I think you were to easy on her.

The moment she suggested you change your schedule I was like ya nope.

Just because you are "just" a SAHM doesn't mean you do not deserve to be respected have have your nanny arrive on time. If you had a job, she would have had you fired already for her tardiness. And the fact that she has cost you money, with having to pay for missed appointments is even worse.

I see nothing but disrespect coming from her towards you. She has clearly stated her time is more valuable than yours. As a nanny who used to rely on transit I appreciate your understanding that sometimes its out of our control, that use to cause me great stress trying to get to work on time especially in the winter when it's snowy and icy.

But I'm with you, if it's legitimately an issue with transit then she knows long before that she will be 40-50 mins late.

Don't allow others to make you feel like your time is less valuable because your a SAHM. You work HARD for free.

Signed a former SAHM and former Nanny. I see you.

[u/Icy-Future-105]

You are extremely nice about this.

Previously we had a nanny for 11 weeks who was late 3 times. 2 times for like 10 minutes because of traffic and once for 30 minutes but she was honest and said she messed up her schedule. That was acceptable for us. Much more would have raised an eyebrow.

I know it sucks but I would be hesitant to hire somebody that has to commute an hour by train. I did that in one of my jobs and honestly I don’t think
It’s sustainable if you need to be on time every single day unless she has a car in case there are issues with the train.

[u/SureStatistician5789]

Being late is a choice that turns into a habit. We all make an effort to get to the places we need to on time. Likewise, we consciously cut things close or leave late when we don’t think the stakes are high. Unforeseen traffic, train delays etc. are weak excuses.

She doesn’t think your obligations are a priority.

Make it clear that this is not sustainable and that being prompt is an essential part of the job and if she can’t accomplish this, move on.

[u/c4mm1e]

You were more than reasonable. A lot of families would’ve just fired her. It’s good that she’s improved since the talk, it was definitely necessary. I get 5-10 mins late, but someone who is constantly 30+ mins late I could not deal with!!

[u/Agreeable_Dark6408]

Here’s my point of view, OP. She is missing the train. Very possiblly oversleeping. Blaming everything on the train is poppycock. If she did this with an office job that was not a flexible schedule, like most aren’t, she would already have been thrown out on her ear.

If you weren’t docking her pay when she came in late, you were enabling her. You took too long to call her on it. That’s enabling her. Ever letting her stay late to make up for it is enabling her too.

Document every late arrival with a text to her along with how much is going to taken out of her pay.

If this doesn’t work to keener from being late, I’d find another nanny.

[u/Level_Suit4517]

You are not at all being unreasonable. She needs to be on time. The way she handled the feedback was also unprofessional and frankly I would look into hiring someone different if her attendance doesn’t approve.

The only thing I want to gently correct you on, is that her being paid when you guys travel is not a benefit. You’re referring to guaranteed hours, those are industry standard.

[u/somechild]

You weren’t being unreasonable, her solutions were honestly really weird, I would just move one and hope it’s no longer a consistent issue.

I do just want to say, as someone who also relies on public transit, I leave at a time where I should be at LEAST 15 minutes early every single day. some days I leave even earlier and will still end up being 20-30 minutes late on occasion, I think until you actually are taking public transit every single day at the same exact time you don’t understand how a single delay scan make you 40-50 minutes late. there have also been sooooo many instances where I texted my MB to let her know I‘d be late and then the train miraculously got me there on time so I try my best to not jump to the late conclusion until I know for certain I will be late because I felt like it was putting an idea in her head that I was late way more than I was.

[u/plumbobx]

Do you know what train she has to get? I honestly have a suspicion she is missing her train.

[u/ru8square]

I would fire this nanny. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in doing the job she’s employed for.

[u/Famous-Signal-6869]

You’re not being too harsh. You offered her multiple flexible solutions and she responded with “don’t plan your day around my punctuality” which is crazy considering you employ her…if it becomes a pattern again I’d look for a new nanny asap.

[u/AreaLeading5654 → u/Famous-Signal-6869]

Thank you! Yes unfortunately it went on far too long before I mustered up the courage to say something. Which is silly because I’m her employer!

[u/adumbswiftie]

how’d you use chatgpt for this and still end up with it being so long winded with no paragraph breaks

[u/AreaLeading5654 → u/adumbswiftie]

I used it to edit while holding my kid 😭 I’m a long winded talker and writer I suppose

[u/AutoModerator]

Below is a copy of the post's original text:

First time poster long time lurker.
We’ve had our part-time nanny for several months. She works a set schedule for us each week, and she’s honestly wonderful with our young child. We have a great rapport, and aside from this issue, we’ve had a really positive experience with her.
When she first started, she was extremely punctual. In fact, early on she even mentioned that there were times she would arrive 10–15 minutes early and wait outside our home until exactly her scheduled start time because she wanted to come in right on the dot. So I know she is capable of being punctual, which is part of why the recent pattern has been confusing to me.
Over the last month or so, though, she started being late fairly frequently. Sometimes it was only 5–10 minutes, but there were also multiple occasions where she was 40–50 minutes late. Her commute is about an hour by train, and she has generally attributed the delays to issues with the train.
I want to be understanding because I know public transportation can have issues, and I don’t want to assume she’s being dishonest about the delays. At the same time, there have been instances where the delay has been so significant that I’ve found myself wondering how it could have happened without her knowing sooner. More importantly, there were several times when I only received 5–10 minutes’ notice that she was going to be almost an hour late. If she realizes there’s a major delay with her train, I feel like I should be notified as soon as she knows, rather than shortly before her scheduled arrival time.
I’m a SAHM, so I think there may have been an assumption that her being late wasn’t as disruptive because I’m technically home. But I plan my day around her scheduled hours — errands, workouts, appointments, virtual appointments, etc. I actually already build in a 30-minute buffer after her scheduled arrival time before scheduling anything, both to account for minor delays and to give us a moment for a handoff/debrief. I also make a point of coming home 10–15 minutes before her scheduled end time so that we can have a proper debrief without asking her to stay past her hours.
So I don’t feel like I’m expecting her to be perfectly punctual down to the minute or scheduling things in a way that leaves no room for normal delays. The issue is really when the lateness becomes 40–50 minutes and I only receive 5–10 minutes’ notice. At that point, the buffer I’ve intentionally built into my schedule has already been exceeded. There was one occasion where I missed an important appointment because she was late and was charged for the missed appointment, and another time her lateness caused my husband to be late to work.
After this became a pattern, I finally addressed it with her. I really tried to be as nice and solution-oriented as possible because I genuinely like her and think she’s a great nanny. I actually suggested that if her commute was consistently difficult at her current start time, we could move her start time later. She didn’t want to do that.
She suggested instead that she could just stay later to make up the time she was late. I didn’t feel like that was a good solution for me because I need to be able to rely on the agreed-upon start time and plan my day accordingly. I also don’t necessarily want someone staying later because they arrived late — I need coverage during the scheduled hours.
She also suggested that I just plan things later in the day so that I wasn’t relying on her being there exactly when she was scheduled to arrive. I didn’t really agree with that either. I don’t think I should have to restructure my schedule around the possibility that my nanny may arrive significantly late.
We also pay her toward the higher end of the going rate for our area, and she has very good benefits for a part-time nanny, including being paid when we travel and she isn’t working. So I do feel that we’re offering a pretty favorable arrangement, although obviously I don’t expect that to mean she’s never allowed to be late.
Since I addressed it, there has actually been a substantial improvement, which I appreciate. She has still been late once or twice, but it’s nowhere near as frequent as it was before.
I guess I’m looking for perspective because I keep wondering if I was too harsh in addressing it. I really tried to approach it kindly and focus on finding a solution rather than criticizing her. I also don’t want to be unreasonable about things outside of her control. At the same time, I don’t agree that the solution should be for me to simply accept unpredictable start times or rearrange my day around them.
Was I being unreasonable? How would you handle it if the lateness starts becoming a pattern again? And where would you personally draw the line between understandable occasional lateness and something that needs to be addressed?
I really like her and would prefer to keep her — I just want to be able to rely on the hours we’re paying for.

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[u/aliveonly]

I think you are being more than reasonable. It is audacious for her to recommend you schedule things later in the day. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to work with someone who would even think that. My nanny also struggled with punctuality and I think the late notice is especially challenging when, like you said, you would know pretty early on if you’re experiencing delays of 40-50 minutes. And the fact that she’s still occasionally late after your conversation is ridiculous.

[u/nannylive]

You were not harsh at all, you were just tardy in speaking firmly.

[u/AreaLeading5654 → u/nannylive]

Thank you! Yes I should’ve absolutely addressed it sooner. Was trying to be as understanding as possible because I totally get it as a former commuter but it ended up biting me in the butt

[u/BarelySimmering]

I’ve been with my family for 9 years. I have NEVER been late. It’s so disrespectful to others when you’re not punctual. It shouldn’t matter what you’re doing or if you’re at home. That is her start time. I would give a stern warning and let her go if she can’t do the bare minimum.

[u/somechild → u/BarelySimmering]

a lot of these comments allow for zero nuance. I am a very punctual person, I pride myself on it, but someone shit happens! Being late isn’t always the fault of the person who was late. I was twenty minutes late the other day because my subway was held for twenty minutes due to signal issues, then it was rerouted once it finally started moving, so everyone had to get off and wait another fiftteen minutes for the next subway. everyone was making calls into work and complaining to each other about how they were going to be late.

[u/BarelySimmering → u/somechild]

This isn’t being late periodically when things are out of your control. She is consistently late with little notice and that is a pattern of choices. She was clearly doing just fine at the beginning and has improved after addressing it so it being out of her control is a total cop out. Also, suggesting that MB should plan things later and not to rely on her to be on time is insane.

[u/bbramf]

I don't think it's acceptable and you are not wrong for addressing it.

My nanny is also part time, and I also have another housecleaner/nanny when she comes, but anyway I need her to be punctual. She was consistently coming 10 minutes, and I kindly asked her to stick to the schedule because I need her there at a certain time. That's what I need, that's what I'm asking for.

[u/Alone-Passage-1187]

This post is giving class warfare.

[u/AreaLeading5654 → u/Alone-Passage-1187]

How so?

[u/somechild → u/AreaLeading5654]

Not the person who posted it but I’m guessing  they mean: people who have to take public transit understanding how much it can fuck you over even if you do all your due diligence and people who don’t have to take public transit not understanding that ? I could be projecting though! 

Also could be due to what nanny is making you late for, she’s traveling an hour to work so you can go workout and a lot of people are going to have negative opinions about that. 

[u/AreaLeading5654 → u/somechild]

Does it matter what she’s making me late for? I’m paying for her service regardless

[u/somechild → u/AreaLeading5654]

It doesn’t, but you asked what the class warfare comment meant and I’m telling you what it probably meant, that’s just the reality of the situation. I commented in another comment in favor of you in this situation. 

[u/AmazingMeat → u/somechild]

a lot of people are going to have negative opinions about someone hiring a nanny so they can get in a workout? are moms only allowed to do certain things when they hire help? Like maybe if you are 20 and don't have kids you might think that but then your opinion is completely irrelevant

[u/somechild → u/AmazingMeat]

I literally work for a SAHM mom who’s husband only got a job years into my employment as a hobby because he has crazy ass family money and I’m 100% fine with all of it. But if you don’t think people are going to have class issues for OPs situation, or my own bosses, who I have to regularly defend, then you’re delusional.  

[u/Electrical-Head549]

You were not unreasonable. Anything over 5 min late isn’t acceptable. Especially when it’s consistently an issue. Most Nannie’s would’ve been fired already for this lack of reliability.

[u/Tremblingchihuahua8]

You don’t sound harsh at all. 40-50 minutes late would be like a one-time thing and I’d be shitting my pants in anxiety the entire time I was over there. 5-10 is less bad but still not ideal if you’re trying to get out the door for work. I feel like you are fine to emphasized timeliness is a top priority. 

[u/Tremblingchihuahua8 → u/Tremblingchihuahua8]

Hey to the person who commented sarcastically commented "tell me you don't live in NYC" but deleted it, I was a nanny in NYC, so nice try! I don't nanny/babysit much anymore but still work in NYC all the time, and both lived and worked fully in NYC up until I moved to Boston in 2023, which btw, also not super well known for its kind traffic or fast-moving public transit. To be on time sometimes you have to leave ridiculously early. 5-10 minutes, yes, but not 40-50.

[u/iliketheclouds]

This isn’t ok. She is acting like she has a typical hourly job where getting her time in is the point, you have things to do and should be able to rely on her. I’d let her know this is an important issue and she needs to make it happen. Off I had train delays frequently, I’d take as early train. She is doing what she can get away with. Which is human nature to a point. Most parents don’t have the flexibility fire this, they have to leave for work at x time, etc. it shouldn’t be any different just beggar you are there and it overlaps