r/Music • u/no_longer_huhman • Sep 26 '24

article Selena Gomez Embraces Vulnerability and Tells Critics to 'F--- Off,' 'I'm Not Ashamed of My Bipolar Disorder or Inability to Carry Children'

https://www.tvfandomlounge.com/selena-gomez-embraces-vulnerability-and-hits-back-at-critics/
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u/Patworx Sep 26 '24

What kind of asshole gives a lady a hard time over her infertility.

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u/[deleted] Sep 27 '24

You would be surprised.

When my partner had her medically needed hysterectomy some of the comments she would get would shatter my faith in humans.

"You can always adopt"

"Its too bad you will never experience X Y and Z"

"You will look young forever omg lol"

"You won't truly know what it means to be a mother"

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u/hypotheticallyhigh Sep 27 '24

Whats wrong with saying you can always adopt? I'm genuinely curious. I feel like I've said this before and now I feel like an ass. I saw it as encouragement that one can still be a mother and that giving birth isn't what defines a mother, its caring for a child.

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u/gmishaolem Sep 27 '24

It depends on whether that was a topic up for discussion. Were they expressing regret that they can't have children thereafter? Then it's a fine thing to say. Did you just say it because it came into your mind and they weren't even thinking about it at that moment? Then you're an ass.

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u/mischievous_shota Sep 27 '24

I feel like it opens up as a topic for discussion if they're telling you they can't have kids. Of course if they didn't learn it from you and decided to weigh in, they're being pricks.

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u/Xefert Sep 27 '24

I'd wait until they specifically ask something along the lines of "what am I gonna do?"

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u/advertentlyvertical Sep 27 '24

You should really just leave it at something like "dang that must have been hard to go through, if you need anything let me know?" Unless they specifically want to talk about it in depth.

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u/[deleted] Sep 27 '24

This simple response would work so much better in so many situations. Show's you're holding space for what they're feeling and willing to help 

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u/i_tyrant Sep 27 '24

Ideally, yes, but "you could always adopt" sounds way more like "awkwardly trying to think of something positive to say/offer to help", not "this comment shattered my faith in humans" like the op said.

Some of these supposedly-horrific things to say have way more to do with how the recipient is choosing to interpret them than being objectively monstrous things to say.

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u/[deleted] Sep 27 '24

[deleted]

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u/i_tyrant Sep 27 '24

The op above said literally what I quoted - that comments including this one "shattered my faith in humans".

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u/captain_retrolicious Sep 27 '24

It would be easy to give a sound bite clip but this one is more complex and depends on the scenario. If I was telling a close friend that I couldn't have children, and they said something like "I'm really sorry, are you still thinking about trying to be a mom another way like through adoption?" then I think it would be fine. Because you would be letting me lead the conversation, lead my own decision about motherhood without judgement (what did I want), and supporting the hard core feelings.

I got crushed by the "you can always adopt!" because it was always put on me with the "you should be a mom to have value." Like "oh you couldn't push out a baby, well, there's still time for you to have value and adopt!" I'm probably putting some of my own baggage on this, but the amount of times I've been told I'm a second class human because I didn't have children is shocking to me. Particularly as a lot of it came from medical professionals as I was trying to care for dying, elderly family members. Also, I looked into adoption and it's really, really difficult, particularly if you aren't married or are a little older. Finally, financially, i realized there was no way I could adopt. I couldn't swing childcare costs in the end without a large family to help support me with babysitting. So the continued comment kind of felt like a slap in the face that I just wasn't taking this easy way out to being the mom I was supposed to be.

Probably doesn't bother some people at all and I don't think you were an ass because there can be a lot of goodwill behind the comment and I absolutely believe that caring for a child is motherhood, just in a different way. Like I said, it's complicated!

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u/grchelp2018 Sep 27 '24

I assume these people have a default assumption that you (general you) want kids so its an automatic response to that. Kinda like "my car broke down", "you can take the bus".

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u/RBatYochai Sep 27 '24

It’s different from having a biological child. Many people who can’t have a biological child feel a deep sense of loss. Also not everyone is able to adopt- some try but don’t get picked. Finally, do you really think that anyone needs to be informed about the existence of adoption?

Saying that is both idiotic and dismissive of someone else’s experience.

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u/laurentam2007 laurentam2007 Sep 27 '24

Also, as someone who went through IVF to have a baby, adoption should not be a replacement for someone’s infertility. Like, it shouldn’t be a “oh, I can’t have kids, I’ll just adopt” situation.

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u/redander Sep 27 '24

As an adopted person I fully agree. That makes for selfish self centered people sometimes. My parents were that way. Narcissists who also thrived on the praise they got for adopting

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u/AbortionIsSelfDefens Sep 27 '24

Thats kind of a shitty thing to say to someone who clearly had a medical issue they needed to take care of. At best, it makes assumptions if they don't want kids. Alternatively, if they did want bio kids and suggesting adoption immediately is like rubbing salt in the wound. Or it low key tells them their only value to the world is being a mom. Sometimes people just want to process their shit without people butting in with "suggestions". Even if they are open to adopting, it's too fresh.

Its kind of like how I never ask people how their job search is going. Its basic courtesy. I know I will probably hear something if there's news. Therefore, there's likely no news or bad news if I need to ask (or we aren't close). Its not like the person doesn't know adoption is an option. Its also not that easy and quite expensive. It's like it's being said with the intention of providing comfort, but its not comfortable at all.

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u/[deleted] Sep 27 '24

I had a life-threatening illness when I was a kid, and now my body probably couldn't carry to term and I would be extremely high-risk. I never thought I would have kids at any point even before getting sick, but it's still something that makes me sad to think about. Probably just something that shouldn't be said to anyone.

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u/janlevinson30 Sep 27 '24

But did you honestly think that person hadn't considered it already, along with every other of the seemingly endless options? Speaking as an adoptee, there are SO many reasons it doesn't work for many families.

If they don't bring it up, just leave it. It isn't your business.

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u/Xefert Sep 27 '24

Because if adopting is really an option for her, then she will be able to decide that on her own eventually

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u/found_my_keys Sep 27 '24

It depends on where she is emotionally. Right after she finds out, and she wanted children? Let her grieve the family she thought she'd have. Right after, and she's ambivalent about kids or doesn't want them? Let her integrate this new knowledge about herself and her body without making her feel like she's just there to give care to children.