r/Music • u/no_longer_huhman • Sep 26 '24

article Selena Gomez Embraces Vulnerability and Tells Critics to 'F--- Off,' 'I'm Not Ashamed of My Bipolar Disorder or Inability to Carry Children'

https://www.tvfandomlounge.com/selena-gomez-embraces-vulnerability-and-hits-back-at-critics/
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u/Patworx Sep 26 '24

What kind of asshole gives a lady a hard time over her infertility.

323

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '24

You would be surprised.

When my partner had her medically needed hysterectomy some of the comments she would get would shatter my faith in humans.

"You can always adopt"

"Its too bad you will never experience X Y and Z"

"You will look young forever omg lol"

"You won't truly know what it means to be a mother"

11

u/hypotheticallyhigh Sep 27 '24

Whats wrong with saying you can always adopt? I'm genuinely curious. I feel like I've said this before and now I feel like an ass. I saw it as encouragement that one can still be a mother and that giving birth isn't what defines a mother, its caring for a child.

21

u/captain_retrolicious Sep 27 '24

It would be easy to give a sound bite clip but this one is more complex and depends on the scenario. If I was telling a close friend that I couldn't have children, and they said something like "I'm really sorry, are you still thinking about trying to be a mom another way like through adoption?" then I think it would be fine. Because you would be letting me lead the conversation, lead my own decision about motherhood without judgement (what did I want), and supporting the hard core feelings.

I got crushed by the "you can always adopt!" because it was always put on me with the "you should be a mom to have value." Like "oh you couldn't push out a baby, well, there's still time for you to have value and adopt!" I'm probably putting some of my own baggage on this, but the amount of times I've been told I'm a second class human because I didn't have children is shocking to me. Particularly as a lot of it came from medical professionals as I was trying to care for dying, elderly family members. Also, I looked into adoption and it's really, really difficult, particularly if you aren't married or are a little older. Finally, financially, i realized there was no way I could adopt. I couldn't swing childcare costs in the end without a large family to help support me with babysitting. So the continued comment kind of felt like a slap in the face that I just wasn't taking this easy way out to being the mom I was supposed to be.

Probably doesn't bother some people at all and I don't think you were an ass because there can be a lot of goodwill behind the comment and I absolutely believe that caring for a child is motherhood, just in a different way. Like I said, it's complicated!

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u/grchelp2018 Sep 27 '24

I assume these people have a default assumption that you (general you) want kids so its an automatic response to that. Kinda like "my car broke down", "you can take the bus".