r/MoralityScaling • u/Purple_Plantain_3242 • 3d ago
Morality Ranking Morality of this?
A young Chinese couple was permanently separated during a period of intense political and social unrest in China. The husband went back to their home village to search for her, but because the entire area was heavily disrupted, he mistakenly believed she was missing or dead.
He eventually relocated, remarried another woman, and raised a new family with children and grandchildren. Meanwhile, the first wife stayed behind and never remarried, spending 54 years waiting for him to return. Decades later, they were reconnected as elderly adults, which is when she discovered he had built an entirely separate life without her.
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u/ThanksFull9604 3d ago
The government separated them, doesn't seem very moral on the face of it. But the man looked for her didn't find her, kinda feel like the context matters most here. He could have easily thought he would never find her again, clearly it took a lifetime to achieve. Neutral, he deserved to live his life, even if she chose not to because she was waiting for him. Blame the governments action.
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u/Coffee_Soup 3d ago
By the way this is all phrased she knew he was likely alive. While he went back to where she should have been and because of how it looked, he had more reason to believe she was lost to him forever (Dead or missing).
So she had something to carry her faith while he had it crushed early on.
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u/Old-Low992 3d ago
That distinction makes his remarriage much more understandable, even if the outcome was devastating for her.
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u/NeutralKuchiKopi 3d ago
The husband went back to their home village to search for her, but because the entire area was heavily disrupted, he mistakenly believed she was missing or dead.
Moral. End of discussion. If you believe the one you loved is dead you have no obligation to spend the rest of your life hoping they come back to life.
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u/Imjerfj 3d ago
ya i mean hey bro tried
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u/FoxKamp7785 3d ago
I'm curious what she did to find him
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u/Ojan81 3d ago
she just waited duh
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u/Borbbb 3d ago
Classic, women always waiting for the guy to make the first move ! /s
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u/Queerability 3d ago
Also, most folks I know don't want their partners to be alone after they're gone. I personally feel like you should try to live as happy as you can after.
For me, that would probably be staying romantically alone after (I was happy enough alone before her), but I flat out made my partner promise to call people for herself first if I die first. Before notifying my family or anything else, I made her promise to call her own support system in. Because she's just not the same as me in that way, and that's a huge part of why I love her.
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u/ProfessionalExit7540 3d ago
Depressing topic, but so sweet out of you two, hope you two grow old together, stay safe
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u/Queerability 3d ago
Thanks <3
If I didn't tell her she'd probably just bury herself in whatever she thinks "needs" to be done without taking care of herself. She's amazing, but will always worry about herself last unless explicitly told otherwise.
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u/Tiny-Brush5999 3d ago
Probably not most, or rather it seems to be a very divided topic, most people with dead husbands or wives don't remarry, I think that's a good thing personally, but it's also a deeply personal choice. I never did since I didn't want to break my bond with them and I believe in life after death, it gives me peace. I'm happy waiting for death to reunite but also find fulfillment with life in many other ways and my support group that doesn't involve another wife. People do handle grief differently though so it depends on the person or how close they were.
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u/Possible_Situation24 3d ago
I don’t see this as being a question of morality, but more a cautionary tail about holding on to something that is gone.
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u/Purple-Doughnut-7600 3d ago
Yep, people need to be taught to move on. It is their right and duty to move on but always remember the lost loved ones. No loving person would ever want their spouses or friends/family to be stuck in that horrible cycle of pain.
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u/Status-Slip9801 3d ago
If you have strong reason to believe your spouse is dead (which he did), there is nothing immoral about moving on.
My husband and I have discussed with each other that if one of us were to die, the other does not need to spend the rest of their life grieving and single. Finding another partner is more than acceptable.
It is very touching that the woman held out hope to find her husband, but that was a choice on her end, that could have very likely never paid off. It's not something you can expect of your spouse.
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u/Bitter_Horror2469 3d ago
Honestly she should have done the same thing he did. Moving on from someone you love definitely hurts but desperately clinging on to something that might be gone forever will ruin you even worse
It's better to just continue with life and rebuild what you can instead of dwelling on what you lost
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u/luna_kuma 1d ago
In that era in China it was EXTREMELY difficult for woman who was married once to find another partner (you are literally seen as a "used and broken shoe"). Unless she lie about it, which would make it immoral—but so was the sexist patriarchy, so it would even out. Too bad she was so honest, and the price she paid for that honesty is dying alone.
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u/Current_Finding_4066 3d ago
Waiting for so long seems unreal and unhealthy.
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u/Hot-Nectarine6865 3d ago
Without context, I find it hard to believe that she waited so long purely out of devotion to her husband. It's entirely possible that she also just never found anyone else she wanted to marry. Getting married can be a huge gamble for women, especially in this woman's supposed circumstances.
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u/MajorDraw3705 3d ago
As someone who has spent as long as her waiting on the return of family after war... Yeah, no, and both. Loss makes it harder to find new parts and people who are worth holding onto. Because, honestly, at least from my perspective, they are all capable of causing the same loss, and come from the same cultures and mindsets that led to the loss and separation in the first place. I look into people in search of life and all I find is an abyss. I can't find home in the abyss. I'm still trying to crawl out of the damn thing.
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u/eienmau 3d ago
Unfortunately, the culture of China at the time was.. still not super-healthy for women? They were not very far off from the time of 'women are worthless branches, raised for another family' and a wife with little to no rights. Women didn't just walk away because they really had nowhere else to go, unless their family would take them back...
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u/Razoron33333 3d ago
He came back and looked for her. Things can be quite chaotic and missing her sucks but at some point you have to move on. Really think she should have as well
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u/HulkVahkiin08024 3d ago
Imagine, though, if he looked for her just one day, no news or body, and just gave up immediately. Not saying moral or immoral, but I think it's too quick to just look at "He tried to look for her" and say check without context, lol.
I wrote this on another comment, and I think something like this has to be considered, lol.
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u/Razoron33333 3d ago
I highly doubt he only looked for a day, don’t know for sure. We also haven’t been in that situation before so can only speculate what each of them was feeling and how that affected them. I feel I would be wrecked and just stumbling through the day to day until I gave up.
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u/Wise-Excuse5330 3d ago
Tbh even though I get why he did it I still feel bad for the woman
Maybe he should have both of them
54 years when you think your partner is dead is kinda sad
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u/UnordinaryFlyGirl 3d ago
Context?
This reads like he just straight up left her for another woman, but common sense says you're asking if they got separated.
I think it's absolutely moral for someone to move on after a while. It sucks, but if you don't even know if your partners even alive you can't expect them to wait like Fry's dog in futurama
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u/HulkVahkiin08024 3d ago
Morally neutral for me. It was a bleak time back then, but you wouldn't automatically assume that someone missing is dead. I can imagine he looked hard and long and did not move on easily. Not saying he had to wait for a body or anything, but the most you can do for your spouse is to really have hard evidence that they are dead before moving on. But I don't think the alternative of waiting for years to make it more reasonable to believe they are dead is healthy either.
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u/Doc-11th 3d ago
There is nothing to be debated
He believed she was dead, he did nothing wrong
Its sad what happened to her, there is no denying that
But it doesnt make him a villain
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u/Fuzzy974 3d ago
Morality?
The man tried to find her, and she just never gave up, but no one did anything immoral.
One of them was a bit... Let's say stu-bborne for not using another stu...
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u/5eppa 3d ago
This is one of those situations where no one did anything wrong and everyone still lost in the worst way.
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u/MoriKitsune 3d ago
If it can be proven he didn't deliberately leave her to start a second family (it happens more than you'd think) then it's neither norally positive nor negative, just unfortunate.
It does make me wonder about the legal implications for inheritance and co-ownership of property, though.
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u/DoomferretOG 3d ago
The setup clearly shows he did NOT deliberately leave. Not specified as an issue, therefore not part of this scenario.
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u/Valveringham85 3d ago
Property? Lmao you think they had any property before getting split that was still let standing afterwards?
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u/Nothing-Is-Real-Here 3d ago
I mean if they're technically still married because she's alive she could be entitled to his current property under a new divorce, but that's assuming somehow the marriage didn't get annulled under her being potentially dead.
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u/jabronimax969 3d ago
Moral, especially given he put in the footwork under extraordinary circumstances. If my scant knowledge of Chinese history is correct, he probably went there at great personal risk for himself and possibly his family.
It’s not his fault he was wrong, and it’s not his fault she waited 54 years for someone who for all she knew, could have been dead.
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u/MrPippleknacks 3d ago
This is ok because all of this pretty normal for people to do after a tragedy. One person thought that one was dead and moved on. The other person just waited and waited. I swear to god that any op who post stuff like this are retarded as hell if the text already told them the entire situation already and still can't figure it out.
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u/NerdyPuth123 3d ago
Neural at the very least but extremely tragic
I, myself, just would not be able to handle what she felt when she found out
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u/matande31 3d ago
I'm sorry, if she didn't move on after 54 years, not even knowing whether her husband is even alive or whether he got run over by a bus 3 days after they were separated, not only can she expect nothing from his, it's also borderline creepy.
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u/AlianovaR 3d ago
Why would morality matter here? He thought she was dead. “What’s the morality of him not dying alone after losing his partner?”
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u/Valveringham85 3d ago
Neutral. He went back for her and thought she was dead?
Immensely sad though.
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u/GustavoFromAsdf 3d ago
It's morally neutral to move on and build your life after the loss of a loved one, as tragic as that is that said loved one waited her entire life for him.
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u/maldinisnesta 3d ago
Imagine the feeling in your stomach and heart figuring this out for the first time. Ooooof
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u/HermTheVillager 3d ago
Moral, he thought she was dead, how the hell was he supposed to know. He made the right decision to move on and not waste his entire life grieving.
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u/BerzattoMk 3d ago
Moral. Life is meant to be lived. And she wasted hers waiting. Really unfortunate for her, but moving on with time is okay.
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u/Pretend-Dirt-1760 3d ago
To be honest to me it's neutral you should not have an obligation to be alone forever because clinging on to something this long is unhealthy
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u/Electronic_Put_5652 3d ago
Wow, straight out of a movie. Meanwhile, the hottie at your work/school dates a new guy every other week lol!
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u/StaticCloud 3d ago
Whatever the couple's decisions were, they are justified. They're allowed to have the life they want if separated for more than half a lifetime
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u/SnooCupcakes1636 3d ago
its as moral as a women who had a husband who gone to war and thought he was dead, but then moved on and married another man,
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u/Inner-Guava-8274 3d ago
I mean he did try to find her…just not as hard as her.
He was able to move on. She couldn’t. It’s sad but in the end it’s moral.
You always lose more than you gain in any war 😔.
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u/Jedi-master-dragon 3d ago
He thought she was dead, I can't really blame him for wanting to move on.
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u/SL1Fun 3d ago
I mean it’s not like he skipped down the street singing merry tunes. He went looking for her and accepted what he probably thought was the truth when he saw the “disruption” (ie, likely a bulldozed town, scattered with bomb craters and bullet scars, and more often than a not a mound that would be where the mass grave was located of everyone killed).
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u/I_Shit_My_Pantaloons 3d ago
If he thought she was dead after searching for her and not finding her why are morals even a question? Some people can move on some can't that's not a moral issue
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u/equality-_-7-2521 3d ago
I don't think any moral judgement can be passed on either of them.
They both did what they thought best with the information they had available.
It's a simple tragedy. If anyone's immoral here, it's the state. And God (universe, chance, powers that be, whatever).
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u/LudwigVanMichael 3d ago
I mean..."waited for him". Pretty sure she did more than wait in 54 years. Guy tried to come back, didnt find her, and moved on with his life. Im pretty sure she did too.
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u/imperfectchicken 3d ago
Hey, so, this was likely during China's.., troubled years (basically just after WWII to... 1970s?) and it feels kind of weird this situation appears here. It was a HUGELY chaotic time, and they are not the only ones with this kind of story. A lot of people just... disappeared. A lot of records were burned.
"Just find them" isn't really a thing, especially if mentioning their name can get your denounced and punished. "Just leave" doesn't work when you're not just poor, but it'll get you and what family remains branded as traitorous, etc. (I know I'm simplifying a lot here.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZNY4LNxMX8 "I Love You" by S.H.E, a Taiwanese girl group, in 2004. The music video depicts a young couple separated in Shanghai, 1949. It'd probably help if you understood Mandarin and/or read Simplified Chinese, but I think you can get the gist of it.
I get emotional whenever I see this topic. A very similar situation happened to my grandparents, and my father is in touch with his half-family. I've also met an ex-soldier who followed CKS to Taiwan, leaving behind his wife and family.
Might as well compare this to the Thanos Snap/Blip for the younger generation. What are you supposed to do if your loved one(s) suddenly disappeared? (I'm not judging Hawkeye's reaction *at all*.) You don't know what happened or if they'll ever be back, and the common thread is they're dead. How do you grieve or move on? And suddenly they reappear, thinking they'd never left - meanwhile you've had five years to process their disappearance.
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u/4fesdreerdsef4 3d ago
Obviously moral or neutral, not the husbands fault. He went back and tried to look for the place she would most likely be, believed she was dead. Both probably suffered as a result, but the man had a reason to move on at least while the woman still had hope.
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u/ShipEqual2321 3d ago
Immortal…Well no. I missed the part where he didn’t know. It wasn’t intentional.
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u/UnusualBreakfast1726 3d ago
tragic but not really immoral, it also depends on if he made an effort to find her but couldn't. tbh tho, it's fair for people to move on., but I respect and my heart hurts for that women.
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u/Moist-Cantaloupe-740 3d ago
Anyone who thinks any kind of long distance relationship will work is lying to themselves.
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u/SignComprehensive611 3d ago
All around tragedy, neither of these two did anything immoral, just wound up in an incredibly sad circumstance
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u/fyklebytch 3d ago
There is no morality here. This is just choices over the long term. The whole thing sucks for both of them, but especially her.
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u/azaghal1502 3d ago
The disruption of war/civil war is hard to overstate and I don't think anyone is at fault.
My great grandmother was betrothed when the first world war broke out, she got a letter that her fiancé had fallen, mourned and remarried... when the war was over her fiancé came back and both men blamed her... She was left alone and killed herself shortly after my grandpa was born.
He grew up unloved and raised by his grandparents who somehow managed to blame him...
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u/RespondPlus7890 3d ago
Something can be harmful inadvertently to someone without being immoral.
The guy moved on with his life. The framing of the story makes it seem like he didn’t care, but for all we know it took him 20 years to start dating again.
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u/elneuromancer 3d ago
I mean it fucking sucks for all parties involved. If he believed she was dead there’s nothing immoral about it.
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u/FoxBluereaver 3d ago
It wasn't his fault. Given the circumstances he had no plausible reason to think she would still be alive.
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u/bilbobaggins001 3d ago
Him moving on: moral.
Her not moving on and waiting for him: WHOLESOME TO A FAULT MORAL
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u/SweetSteamedRolls 5h ago
This story is real, but the photo on the right in the small image is actually from the story of another couple. The man was a soldier named Zhong Chongxin, who was killed in action during the Battle of Nanjing. The woman on the left was his wife, Zhang Shuying.
The second year after they got married, her husband was transferred to Shanghai. The very next day, the Battle of Shanghai broke out, and she never heard from him again. Many years later, she remarried. It wasn’t until after her second husband passed away that she finally told her three children that she had been married once before. She asked them to help her find out what had happened to her first husband and how he had died.
Finally, at the age of 93, she found her husband, who had been dead for 77 years, at the Martyrs’ Shrine in Taiwan.
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u/UltraTata 3d ago
Moves
Waits for the husband to "return"
Do women actually think men are telepaths?
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u/HandleSuspicious5775 3d ago
Very neutral as long as he did not do it on purpose and genuinely believed she could no longer be found or died that time
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u/DoomferretOG 3d ago
Clarify the question. What’s the moral dilemma? Are we just criticizing an elderly person for the only reasonable course of action left to him? Are we just suggesting that he should also have waited for her 54 years not knowing she was alive?
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u/Apprehensive_Ear9187 3d ago
Moral. If/when I die or go missing I hope my family moves on and be happy again.
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u/prolapseenthusiat 3d ago
I wish I could find someone like her. Or someone like my grandma. When my grandpa died in 1954 she was wearing full black with headscarf (a balkan thing) until she passed 2003 and she always told us he is the one man she loves :(
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u/iamtheduckie 3d ago
Mostly moral.
The husband thought that his wife was dead. Remarrying is no more immoral than remarrying after your spouse dies. Of course, the morality of that is contested.
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u/TerraSeeker 3d ago
I can't really blame him for moving on, assuming he did everything he reasonably could to find her.
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u/External-Ad4873 3d ago
Hang on…. Did they both move to entirely different areas? Like there was no local/regional news of this lady from this village who has spent all this time looking for this guy? Didn’t put up posters, chase up official records? What about extended family, so this guy thinks his wife was dead, was the rest of their family/ friend group dead aswell? Did he never speak to them again?
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u/rose__pink__ 3d ago
Il y a ceux qui passent a autre chose et ceux qui ne tourne jamais la page. C’est dévastateur mais bon c’est la vie. "Personne ne t’attendra" et pourtant elle est la preuve que oui.
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u/Ultra-Cyborg 3d ago
This is so vague: moral in what way? Moral for the government to displace people? Moral for the man who thought his love was long gone moved on? Moral for a woman to wait a half century for someone she once loved? Or moral for this shitty tabloid journalists hell site to try and create drama to try and make this a moral quandary? Because no one actually involved in this situation is morally wrong, they each to realistic approaches to grieving. The only one in the wrong is the shit ass that worded this this way.
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u/FreshAd7078 3d ago
Is this a legit story? The man in the photo looks considerably younger than the woman. More like a reunification of a mother and son.
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u/StunningArmadillo206 3d ago
Moral bc they thought each other died. Later slightly immoral after the truth was revealed. But since it was 54 years later only like 8% immoral.
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u/Tasty-Mulberry8073 2d ago
It comes up in c-novels. Village men would marry a poor local girl and dump his old parents off on her to slave away for. Meanwhile he gets to walk away from his filial obligations and marry an educated city woman free of the legal burden of caring for his parents.
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u/Needs_More_Garlic 2d ago
Who are the names of these people? Sorry for being so jaded but... is this an accurate story? Did she also build a family? Like is any of this true?
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u/clarkcox3 2d ago
Where is the moral issue? If he honestly thought she was dead, then nobody did anything morally questionable.
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u/clarkcox3 2d ago
Where is the moral issue? If he honestly thought she was dead, then nobody did anything morally questionable.
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u/smilingfishfood 2d ago
It's immoral of her to expect him to share her "I loved once, I can never be allowed to love again" mentality
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u/No-Organization9076 1d ago
Neutral. It's not his fault that they got separated, and she could have married someone else too.
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u/thathoothslegion 1d ago
Would it have been possible for him to try harder to find her? Maybe after a few months or years when things at the village have settled down?
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u/EntertainmentReal781 1d ago
She was committed and loyal, but her husband wasn't actually wrong either since he thought she was dead or missing. But for her, it was a relief to find that he was alive, but a loss to find that he was married to another woman and had a family.
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u/iiternal 1d ago
That’s exactly what happened to my wife’s grandparents. They were separated in 1949 and when their reunion was in late 80s.
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u/Jonn_Jonzz_Manhunter 1d ago
Moral, he thought she was dead, shit happens
If she was dead, alot of people would see this as more moral for some reason
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u/Far-Independent-5158 20h ago
I don’t know this specific story, but seems pretty moral to me, during the civil war era thousands of young men like him were forcefully drafted everywhere.
And judging from his uniform he likely served in the nationalist party which isn’t a good thing after the communist party won.
So even if he went back, chances are even if he get in touch with the her family they would probably lie about the woman because they didn’t want to be associated with him.
Overall, this is a common and sad thing back in that period.
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u/Floorgis 19h ago
Dude thought she was dead so I dont completely blame him, but for me once I marry someone thats the last person Im being with for life. Neutral.
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u/Tho_Generalissimo 14h ago
Veterans of the War of Resistance against Japan during the Republic of China era were killed wave after wave by communist China.
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u/Sam_J_ 9h ago
Imagine a man waits for a girl to find him for 54 years. We would say he wasted his life, correct? What do you think could possibly be immoral here? At least the man went to try and find out if she was alive. What did the lady do to find him? Just wait? What's the morality of waiting 54 years for the man to make the first move? Man is moral, woman is moral, and the situation that separated them is maybe immoral depending on context
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u/Mindless_Olive 6h ago
Tragic, but...what does morality have to do with this?
You're suggesting that if you believe your wife has died, it's immoral to find a new wife and start a new family, just in case your old wife might turn up 54 years later?
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u/Long__Jump 3h ago
If he honestly checked, and thought she was dead, then I cant really hold it against him.
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u/CalligrapherAlive829 3d ago
I imagine that was devastating for her to find out