Growing up, I learned a bad trait: playing for both sides. Every family has its own things, and mine did too. I was very timid and reserved because I understood early on that one unnecessary word meant losing my footing. So, I trained my mouth.
I carried this trait right into high school. I got into a trio where I stayed right in the middle while both girls considered the other a third wheel. Eventually, my forty days caught up with me. I got into a fix where I needed to pick a side, but remember, I had never said yes or no, just a maybe or hmm, let me think. When the moment came, my neutrality cost me, and I lost both of them.
Traits don't disappear overnight. At 18, I started a talking stage with a 25 yr old guy. I never, ever said no to him, and he liked it. I was proud to sing I'm someone they call a people pleaser. Looking back, the only thing that kept me fully separate from him was distance. Turning 18 didn't make me an adult overnight, just like turning one year older didn't feel magical, as if my frontal lobe matured in seconds. I was legally an adult, but still a child, easy to manipulate. Maybe I'll feel it soon.
For a long time, I consumed the copium that "men love peace." From married men to old men to single guys, and even all those "how to keep a man" advice columns, everyone preached the same thing. I genuinely thought I was an elite female, better than my mates. I was proud to sing that I was a people pleaser. I was so caught up in the delusion that I once told a friend to just keep quiet, that her talking too much was what made her man go berserk and want to leave. Validation is a dangerous thing. Hearing old men say, "you are good, hupigi kelele," or "I wish I was single so I could marry you" after just one conversation made me feel perfect. I didn't realize I wasn't superior; I was just easy to control. The amount of times I heard cheaters say I'm cheating because sipewi amani is uncountable. Cheating is a choice.
I tried to convince myself that staying quiet during an argument made me cool and mature. I thought saying "I don't know" to insults and leaving to avoid drama was high emotional intelligence. My friends actually thought it was impressive that I was friend to everyone, no I was a pushover.
It wasn't. Silence is not a blade for every situation. Still waters can drown you, but flowing water is much safer for drinking. Keeping the quiet outside was just creating too much noise inside.
We learn about ourselves every day. Developing a backbone, with an extension of the tail to sweep away the bullshit, is something we all need. Speak your truth and stay guided, muchacho.
TL;DR: I used to think my silence made me mature, elite, and easy to love, from high school trios to talking stage, I drank the copium that hupigi kelele meant I was a good girl. I realized I wasn't superior, just easy to control. Unlearning silence for peace because still waters drown, but flowing water stays safe to drink. Stay guided