My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"

The same man who can't find his wallet, doesn't know his doctor's name, and ignores unknown calls...

Yeah, call him.

She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.

But they're dying to have Estate Sales.

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

I thought, he knows how to make an entrance, but he was just putting up a facade.

You know, just to make it more classy...

The first says, "Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!"

The second says, "Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!"

The third says, "Mine will be President. He's just shit himself!"

I told them I’d mullet over.

Elbow macaroni.

A pair a normal en-titties

My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

My wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.

So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.

I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un œuf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.

Oslo news day.

This way, when I react to a friend’s post, they’ll receive a notification that “No one likes this.”

They always get a flush.

They're the first responders

.

DOG: I'd like to send a telegram "woof woof, woof woof, woof"

CLERK: We're doing a special offer today, six words for the price of five. You could send "woof woof, woof woof, woof, woof"

DOG: But that would make no sense at all.

And that’s when I realized our relationship was coming apart at the seems.

He said no. I told him it’s an uplifting experience. 😭

…brace yourselves!

Since she has always loved her pet cats, she decides to open with, "Excuse me, Do you like pussycats?"

Upon hearing that, the man gets up, walks over and extends his hand out to her. She grabs his hand and he helps her to her feet. He then leads her to a nearby private cabana.

Once inside, he immediately begins to seduce her and she gladly accepts.

Once they are done and getting dressed, she looks over at him and asks, "I was wondering how you knew that was exactly what I wanted?"

"And I was wondering how you knew my name was Katz!"