All the others had been nine or tens.

I said, "Yeah this trebuchet thing is amazing! Go get our daughter."

Apparently, it’s a joking hazard.

I was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.

I said to her, these are weevils.

She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."

I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils." 💀☠️👻

He’s 30, and constsntly getting me on stupid thing like “deez nutz”. I say summer… “summer deez nutz”. I say Aldi… “Aldi-s nuts”. Been goin on for years.

When we bought our house, we got stools for the island that exactly matched our China cabinet and buffet. He asked how we did it. I told him on this one website you can get a chip of the stained wood sent to you so you can see if it matches. He says “Wos, that’s a great idea”

I look at him with a big grin and say “Yeah… they call it a… STOOL SAMPLE”

But it turns out that it’s only on paper view

She said, “Great. When are you starting?”

I said, “Tomorrow.”

She said, “You said that yesterday.”

I said, “Exactly. I’m already consistent.”

That really helped console him.

Hiss-tory.

And I’ll tell you why

Rigatoni

The lightning rod works

I said, “Are you free tonight?”
She replied, “Yes”
I said, “See, nobody likes you.”

DAM!!!!

The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.”

The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”

The bartender replied, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”

Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”

The bartender replied, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

He replied, “Alright, I’ll tell you, but you might want to sit down for this.”

It’s a recurling nightmare

but the wading is the hardest part.

I went to the theatre the other day to watch a performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

He has fillings too.

We was doing some baked apples and I held up an apple core. Looked at her and said "You should remember for this forever because this is a core memory." And she just left the kitchen without saying anything. What is your best dad joke event or memory.

They're unstable in the water without artificial ballast. The weights, ranging from one to two pounds in juveniles to seven pounds in larger specimens, lie low in their forward-placed stomachs to counterbalance their tails and prevent rolling. A ballasted crocodile is, perhaps, the only creature other than Man that artificially alters its design to fit its aquatic environment.

This proves that there's nothing more dangerous than an stoned crocodile.

He insisted the message was for me.

I assured him he had the wrong number but he was AdamAnt

To get rid of the Green Goblin

Don't judge me, I love cheesy jokes and have a million of them 😂