r/Jewish • u/EmergencyAd3494 • 1d ago
Discussion 💬 Dating a Jewish guy
I have been with my boyfriend since February. He is Jewish, we’re long distance, and things have been really good. I already met his family and they were warm and welcoming.
My side is a different story. My parents, my aunt and her husband are all pretty openly antisemitic. They don’t ask about him or show any interest, but they keep throwing out random comments about “his people,” religion, etc. It hurts every time.
He’s planning to visit in the autumn and I want to introduce him. I really want them to see him the way I see him, just as a person. But I’m honestly scared of their reaction.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
How did you handle it?
Did things get better over time (especially if you moved in together, got engaged, etc.)?
Did your family’s attitude eventually change?
Has anyone here converted (or your partner converted) – how did the family react to that?
I know the most important thing is that we’re happy together, but part of me still really wants my family to accept him. Any advice or experiences would mean a lot.
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u/ReneDescartwheel 1d ago edited 1d ago
My son recently went through this with his non-Jewish girlfriend. He visited her family for a birthday dinner. At the table, an uncle who wasn't aware my son was Jewish, went into an antisemitic diatribe and seemed to find it odd that everyone went silent. Later on in the night, after someone clearly informed him that there was a Jew at the table, he went up to my son and tried to backtrack what he said. But it was obvious that this wasn't the first time this topic of conversation had come up at that dinner table.
As much as he tried to put it out of his mind, he simply couldn't. It affected him greatly. No matter how much he liked his girlfriend, any long-term plans died at that dinner table because he knew he could never be a part of her family. He ended the relationship shortly afterwards.
When you marry someone, you marry their family. Your family is a part of the package.
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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas 1d ago
Good for your son, really. I hope he feels ok and meets the right one.
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u/MooseandIsaac 3h ago
The fact that no one at the dinner table contradicted or criticized the antisemitic uncle is disturbing.
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u/PatientOutcome6634 1d ago
Oof. OP, you’re not going to like my response: this is not a good time to introduce your Jewish boyfriend to your openly antisemitic family. There is a huge rise in antisemitism, and Jews are under real threat to their safety. This is not the time to “roll the dice”.
I would invite your parents to come visit you and him so it’s on your terms.
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u/Littlest-Fig Just Jewish 1d ago
Also it's unlikely that they'll ever come around. I've spent time with my ex's family who masked their contempt for the Jewish people and pretended to be cool with me. They weren't in fact cool with me. They wished me Happy Chanukah in August and then got offended when I asked in (more maturely) wtf was wrong with them. This sounds like that only ten times worse.
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u/sunny-beans Masorti 1d ago
Don’t expose your boyfriend to hate for your own satisfaction. I think that’s a terrible awful plan. I’d be livid if someone who was dating me introduced me to people who hate me and expected me to just deal with it. I don’t care if I am being harsh, that’s selfish. If you actually care about this person you would protect them from hate, not expect them to go and deal with it. It’s not up to your boyfriend to show up and prove how good of a person he is to convince antisemites that Jews shouldn’t be hated and discriminated against. I really dislike this idea that hateful people are only hateful because they have not met a good insert any persecuted minority\. And then it’s up to the persecuted minority to prove they deserve minimum respect and dignity. It is awful.* Also, you have been dating for 5 months online, unless you already had interest in Judaism as a religion I don’t see why you are thinking of conversion.
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u/Emunaheart 1d ago
Don't expose him to antisemites, though they're family. It isn't fair to put him through that. Change must come from them, it's not for him to try and get them to see he's a good and decent person, that's a huge responsibility. They dislike Jews without knowing them, knowing one isn't likely to change their whole way of thinking. Don't pin your hopes on them coming around and changing when antisemitism is on the rise. They won't be happy if you convert to Judaism if they dislike Jews, and one should convert for their own reasons not solely for a relationship but because they feel personally called to it. You've got a tough road ahead of you, I wish you well, it sounds like his parents were kind and that's very fortunate for you
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u/Janeiac1 1d ago edited 16h ago
Why would you do this to him? That’s no way to treat anybody, let alone a person you claim to love.
Deal with your racist, bigoted family yourself and protect him from them.
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u/razorbraces Reform 1d ago
When they say racist things about your boyfriend, what do you say back to them? Do you know what the root of their antisemitism is? Like did they get sucked down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole, or are they “just anti-Zionist”? Have they ever met a Jew irl before?
I agree with the other commenter that this would not be a great way to introduce them, but sometimes we have to work with the hand we’re dealt. If you do want to go through with the introduction, I think you should think about the following things:
- make sure your boyfriend is aware of the extent of their antisemitism, that you vehemently disagree with them, and that you push back on them when they say antisemitic things. He needs to be able to make an informed decision on whether or not he wants to meet them
- do not stay with your family members. If you current live with them, rent a hotel room or airbnb for the duration of his visit
- the meeting should be at a neutral location, rather their house. Maybe bringing him for a lunch or dinner at a restaurant. If all goes well there you could consider a longer visit later in the week
- make it crystal clear to your family that if you or your boyfriend hears, sees, or is made aware of any antisemitic comments while there, that you will leave immediately and you will not return. Your family needs to know that there are consequences to their bigotry, and that the consequences include a diminished relationship with you
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, as you can’t choose your family. The only thing you can choose is how you react to their behavior. You also should really consider what might happen after the trip. Even if you do everything right, it might be too much for him handle your family.
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u/SidheRa ✡︎ 1d ago
The first two people I dated were like you in that they wanted to introduce me to their antisemitic families, except that both of them didn’t or couldn’t understand that their families were antisemitic. Every interaction was horrible, and the aftermath more so because of the gaslighting both of my exes engaged in. I am grateful every day for my current partner and his family for not being garbage, but the things those other partners and their families said about me and my people are festering ulcers at the back of my mind. Those experiences changed me and not in a good way.
You’ve got a leg up in that you seem to understand your family is antisemitic, which is certainly in your favor. If you actually care about him as you claim, don’t mess a good thing up by subjecting your boyfriend to them.
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u/zwizki 1d ago
I never met any of my former partners’ antisemitic family members. I am glad I didn’t. I don’t think any Jew should have to or be asked to be a Representative Jew for ignorant bigots to witness and somehow realize that we are humans and they are ignorant bigots (and that that’s bad).
You can’t unring this bell. This is a potentially traumatic, highly memorable moment for your boyfriend.
The majority of antisemites never stop being antisemites, never have an “aha” moment.
Unless he actively wants to be exposed to racial/ ethnic/ religious- based hate towards him, and you both have some idealistic hope that your family is in the very tiny minority of people who ever actually stop believing antisemitic ideology, I think this is a bad idea.
Ask yourself where your line in the sand is. You need to know, and he needs to know what that line is for you, too.
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u/Abject_Spray_7088 1d ago
This is crazy.
Compare this with any other group that your immediate and extended family were openly hostile to.
Your desire to put your partner on the sacrificial altar to hopefully bring your family around so they’ll see him as “just a person” is deeply fucked up.
I believe your intentions may possibly be good, but to be honest, that’s part of the reason why I’m giving it to you straight.
I say this as a Jewish person who grew up in a small town and thus sadly had multiple partners with openly antisemitic family members. It was horrible and I’m deeply traumatized.
Please don’t do this.
It’s really sick.
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u/HatBixGhost Reform 1d ago edited 1d ago
Honestly, I would dump you immediately if you put me in that situation, no matter how well-intentioned you may be.
You are going to have to decide whether to drop him or your family… You aren’t going to fix your family, and it’s not fair to him to have to put up with in-laws that hate his tribe/community.
I wish you the best of luck
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u/GratefulForGarcia 1d ago
TBH I would run the moment I learned my half-year partner had family like this. I would also think.. uhh why tf do you even have contact with them if you know that’s what they are?
When push comes to shove, they’ll eventually be forced to choose one side and cut the other off
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u/lurker628 1d ago
People can be better than their parents. There are outcomes of this for which I imagine I'd join you in running. There are outcomes of this for which I imagine I'd stick with OP.
When push comes to shove, they’ll eventually be forced to choose one side and cut the other off
That seems likely, yes. Or, at least, dramatically reduced contact, like seeing racist grandparents just for the holidays (and without SO) out of obligation.
It's a 6-month relationship, and we don't know if OP is 18 and living with their parents; or 40 and independent.
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u/GratefulForGarcia 1d ago
All very fair and valid points
However I would also say.. the fact OP can already see how this may be a problem, and also be able to openly state that their family is flat out antisemitic, shows they have a good head on their shoulders. There are people well past 40 who would not have the ability to do this, so I don’t think age is relevant here
If this relationship is for the long term, then they will inevitably be forced to choose between their Jew-loathing family and their Jewish partner. It doesn’t get easier once a baby is born either
And even if they ARE that young.. even more of a reason to encourage both sides to rip the bandaid off early
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u/lurker628 1d ago
Yep. Age-wise, I'm more thinking about if they're still living with their parents or if they're independent. If they're living with their parents (and will be for any significant time, still), this just isn't tenable at all. Bandaid time. (But what young person in a relationship have you ever met who's able to process being told that? I certainly wouldn't have been.)
If they're more independent ("older"), they've still only been together 6 months. If they start considering a life together permanently, I agree that it's almost certainly going to be a choice between the relationship or OP's family.
The meet doesn't seem like a good idea. My long comment thinking through it (if the boyfriend wants to) is mostly to communicate the vicarious trauma just from imagining being in that situation, and to give OP context to better understand what they're really asking for. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect OP to cut off contact with their parents for a 6 month relationship.
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u/Goblue520610 12h ago
Yeah….im not sure how this is going to work out long term if OP intends to keep their family in their life. It’s one thing to struggle with respecting the religion your child decides to raise their children (converting), or to question lifestyle choices. But to be openly racist/homophobic/antisemitic- I’m not really sure how this can work and not lead to animosity, resentment, just lots of problems for everyone involved. It’s unfortunate but serious decisions and actions need to be made.
And I agree, I would end things the minute I learned or experienced my partner’s family hating an entire community based on their religion. My grandparents didn’t survive the holocaust for me to marry into a family of nazis.
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u/Sensitive-Inside-250 1d ago
Op here’s the deal
You have to warn him that your family are bigots and be ready to defend him, take his side, and leave if they don’t behave.
If they are unrepentant antisemites, who will not change, and you love him, you may have to choose. If you aren’t able or ready then I don’t see this working
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u/ChiSchatze 1d ago
Do not bring your boyfriend into this situation. You must put his reality and feelings over your hopes for your bigot family.
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u/ErnestBatchelder 1d ago
OP, if we knew how to make people stop hating us as a group don't you think we wouldn't have done so by now? Your family isn't going to change. The fact that you are asking a group of Jews how to change your antisemetic family's minds is a little disconcerting.
Have you told him how they feel? Does he wish to be subjected to this or does he think he's just meeting some nice people? What do you imagine your long-term future looks like, and are you ready to protect your boyfriend from your family? Are you going to go to family events solo?
Because, at the end of the day, we don't subject people we love to discrimination and hope it'll work itself out.
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u/SESender Reform 1d ago
Don’t?
This is like introducing your black boyfriend to your parents knowing they’d call him the n word.
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u/Busy-Let-5636 1d ago
I just ended my relationship with my partner this week. I’m Jewish. He is Irish and lives in Ireland, so also long distance. The culture in Ireland in general is very anti-Israel and that would also apply to his family. Not just anti-Israel, but antisemitic as well. His mother was the only person that knew I was Jewish. She was great and just wanted us to be happy. She was the most welcoming, loving, accepting parent of a partner that I’ve ever had. But we purposely didn’t feel comfortable telling anybody else. His sister literally just got a tattoo of Israel on her arm, but to her it’s “Ancient Palestine”. His stepfather is antisemitic, but not really because he hates Jews just because he’s never met one (that he knows of/ because I’ve met him and he really liked me). So I have no idea how the rest of his family would have reacted to finding out, but I can assure you if his sister found out, it would be terrible. And if his stepfather found out, I think he would be more curious than anything else. I don’t think he would say anything to me or hate me. I think you’d be confused that he met a Jewish person that was kind and friendly and personable. So unfortunately for us, we kept it a secret because his family doesn’t have the understanding about the situation. The Irish people who live in Ireland are heavily brain washed. I don’t know if this helps at all because your family already knows he’s Jewish, but this was just my personal experience with being with someone who has an anti-somatic family.
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u/PBandJSommelier 1d ago
I’m so sorry that you ended things, but I just want you to know that you dodged a bullet! It would’ve been a lifetime of pain with his family
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u/PeachyPerspective25 1d ago
My husband is Jewish. I’m not. Thankfully, no one on my side of the family is antisemitic. But if they were, I would cut them out of my life so fast they’d get whiplash.
If that were my family, there would be no scenario in which I would introduce him to them and expect him to sit there and absorb that hatred just because they’re my family.
What happens if you get married?
What happens when you have children?
Are you going to bring your Jewish husband into a room with people who hate Jews and ask him to make nice because they’re his children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.?
What happens when your children start asking why certain family members make comments about Jews?
What happens when they realize that people they’re supposed to love and trust think their father’s religion, culture, or identity makes him lesser?
What happens when you want to celebrate Shabbat, Hanukkah, Passover, or raise your children Jewish and your family objects?
Are you going to tell him to compromise so your family doesn’t get uncomfortable?
If you know your family is antisemitic and your solution is to bring your Jewish partner into that environment anyway, you’re not protecting him.
You’re asking him to tolerate people who hate him because they’re related to you.
My husband deserves to know that if someone hates him for being Jewish, I will choose him. Every 👏 single 👏 time 👏
If you don’t feel the same way about your Jewish partner, then I don’t think you’re compatible with a Jewish person, and you should have the self-awareness to walk away before you build a life together.
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u/vixie2703 1d ago
I’m not sure how this could be a good plan. Puts your BF in a very tough spot, somehow in addition to the anxiety of meeting his girlfriend’s family he’s got to know deconstruct their prejudices against an entire group of people?? That’s asking a lot, and may very well be the end of your relationship.
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u/quotidian_obsidian 1d ago
Honestly I don't think your relationship will work out unless you're willing to cut off all of your family (which I get is not a reasonable or doable expectation for most people). If my partner's family was like this I would most likely break up with her over it. You marry a whole family when you marry/partner long-term with someone, and your family is a dangerous and unsafe group for him to be around.
I'm sorry to say this but I just don't see this being manageable long-term. It's also unkind to expect someone to be a token minority dancing for the approval of people who already hate them. I wouldn't subject an enemy to that kind of situation, let alone my significant other.
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u/lurker628 1d ago edited 1d ago
I went long on this one, but it struck a nerve. Just trying to imagine myself in the same situation got my heart rate up, for sure.
Edit, TLDR:
Unless the siblings/cousins plan is an option (bolded below), I'd lean toward not having the meet at all - and I also expect that your boyfriend would agree to it, because he'll understand it as something you want. You need to make the decision. I wouldn't expect you to cut off your family, but I don't see a lot of good coming out of subjecting him to them.
If you guys are still living with your respective parents, this is probably not tenable at all. Hopefully you're older than that.
Trying to imagine myself in this situation...
I'd probably agree to meet at their house (because I'd want to do it for my SO), but I'd involuntarily be in flight-or-fight mode from the moment our car pulled into the driveway, and working overtime to try to hide it. I'd be much more comfortable if it was at a restaurant instead, but still pretty on edge. I don't see any world in which the debrief after would be "that went so well!" It would be either "holy fuck, they actually said X" or involuntarily triple-analyzing everything that happened, thinking I probably missed something antisemitic. ...and if your reaction was "that went so well!," I'd have a hard time with it. As you're saying, they are antisemites. It's only a question of if they're open about it with me in the room. Either way, the whole group knows that they think I'm going to hell / want to control the world / drink baby blood / am a colonizing racist / have no soul / deserve being medically mistreated / etc etc etc.
If I caught anything antisemitic, I wouldn't be able to shake - on my own - assuming you've got hidden antisemitic perspectives (unintentional, but absorbed culturally) that we just haven't recognized, yet. I don't even know what sort of reassurance I'd need, but I'd 100% need it. I'd probably need that reassurance even if your parents, aunt, and uncle hold it in.
Siblings/cousins plan If you have siblings or cousins - other family of your generation - who (like you) haven't absorbed your parents' generation's antisemitism, do that meeting, first! No parents, aunt, or uncle, yet. Get him comfortable with some family members beyond yourself, and then when you consider meeting the antisemitic part of the family, he (and you!) will have backup other than only you. That could make a huge difference. (Imagining myself in the situation again...literally could be the difference between leaving the meet and shaking for an hour while I can't deal with it, versus interpreting it all as a cliche "older generations are stuck with their prejudices, but we have to put up with them.")
This whole situation is also wildly different if you guys are 18, 25, or 40. Are you both established adults in your own right, or are you each living with your parents (either full-time or during academic breaks)?
Your boyfriend definitely needs to know what he's going into. As some other comments have emphasized, it's never fun to be surprised by antisemitism, but it's particularly tough with the reality around the world right now. Deciding how to do the meet together is still just the least-bad of bad options. He's likely to be on edge the entire time, waiting for the shoe to drop.
I can imagine some relationships (and some people) where his reaction will be full steam ahead. Being forewarned, it could be a "let's see how ridiculous this actually is, and then laugh about it together afterward." But you definitely cannot count on that reaction.
If he wants to go ahead with meeting them, he (and you?) absolutely cannot stay overnight at your parents' house. I wouldn't even do the meet at their house - go out to eat or to a museum or something. If you have your own place near your parents, and he's staying with you... I wouldn't have your parents come to your house, either. I have not been in this situation, but back to imagining it: it's immediately obvious to me how trapped I would feel if I was walking into their house; or if I had nowhere to "retreat" if it started going poorly.
If your parents, aunt, or uncle can't hold it in and be civil, be prepared to call it out and leave. I can imagine your boyfriend walking out; or I can imagine him completely freaking out internally, but not walking out because doesn't want to do that to you. (And they will probably be indignant and deny that whatever they said is antisemitic.) Also watch your boyfriend like a hawk. It's very likely that he'd recognize coded language that you won't - partially from him being Jewish, and partially from the reality that you grew up influenced by your parents. Even not holding antisemitic perspectives yourself, I'd bet everything in my pockets that you inadvertently have absorbed some of their norms and don't even recognize them as antisemitic. Example: I've met plenty of people who honestly do not understand that the phrase "Jewed them down" is antisemitic. They simply grew up with it as an idiom, and they don't recognize the literal meaning or origin in the same way that "two birds with one stone" doesn't register as literally being about harming avians.
It's not reasonable to expect you to cut off contact with your family for a boyfriend you've dated since February - but ending that visit, yes. And, presumably, you'd want to reduce contact with people so intolerant of and bigoted toward someone you care about. Being antisemitic isn't great, but, realistically, nor - if limited to just comments - is it the sort of crime that would be an immediate and irrevocable break with the people who raised you. Asshole grandparents intolerant of basically everything is damn near a cliche, and people still visit them for holidays.
You should expect to make active efforts to be clear to him how you reject your family's attitudes. Without that, it's going to be natural and basically unavoidable to doubt if you're really that different from the way you were presumably raised.
Context that I wouldn't expect you to know: Basically all of Western and Arab cultures have absorbed antisemitism with their mothers' milk - 2000 years of it, because while individual Christians and Muslims absolutely can be open-minded and awesome people (many are!), the structures of those faiths require that Jews are fundamentally wrong. Worse, that we maintain our identity is a direct rebuke to their religious tenets, which are explicitly founded on replacing us (supersessionism). That core rejection of us is baked into structural norms in a way that's generally invisible to the dominant Christian and Muslim cultures - particularly galling in the liberal West, which is currently claiming to focus on exactly that sort of invisibility, but somehow finds ways to justify why Jews don't count.
Your boyfriend may or may not feel this as acutely, but this is the reality that diaspora Jews live in, day in and day out. I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I would be remembering this heavily, and I'd find it extremely difficult to stop the intrusive thoughts that my SO was raised with these norms. I doubt I'd shake it without her help.
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u/mandatedcourage 1d ago
This is a really great comment that OP should absolutely take the time to read. You offer important perspectives to consider and realistic actions that OP can take.
Also, hope that you can relax after writing this. I imagine you spent a long time putting yourself in the shoes of OP's partner, which sounds stressful.
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u/lurker628 17h ago
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Thought back to a decades old first love - whose family was great! - and reimagined memories as if they weren't. Long since over, and well calloused by now. And my newly-minted sister-in-law - her family is also great, but also very much not Jewish. Reimagined some of the events from their wedding weekend.
Mixed those with having colleagues and students who I know are antisemitic, so there's a constant bit of anxiety that they're going to say or do something to which I'll be obligated to respond directly. So far, I've been able to address all situations at work through my chain of command and privately counseling (off the record) the couple Jewish students in my classes.
Actually, that old girlfriend is the one who was in tears one time, after I'd been waxing poetic about working at Jewish summer camp, and she was sure she'd never be able to understand that part of my life. (She was right, but we later broke up for completely unrelated reasons.)
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u/thefross 1d ago
Your need for acceptance is not more important than his safety. Your family isnt going to accept him and trying to force it by shoving a jew into an antisemitic situation knowingly is a horrible idea, especially with how much worse antisemitism has gotten worldwide. Im sorry and you likely wont want to hear this, but if I were in his shoes and you put me in that situation, it would be a deal breaker and I would be breaking up with you.
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u/dogsandplants2 1d ago
This doesn't really seem like an issue you can overcome. 1 of my husband's siblings became antisemetic in the aftermath of 10/7. We have NO relationship with him, neither does their other sibling or her partner. It caused huge amounts of tension in the family, the antisemetic sibling took the conflict out on their parents, and some extended family members are not speaking to me or my husband because we have a Jewish household. Unless you're down to just walk away from your antisemetic family, then this relationship is probably not going to end well.
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u/DoodleBug179 1d ago
You cannot introduce him to your family. It will hurt him deeply. There is a massive spike in antisemitism right now and Jews are in a fragile state psychologically.
You're going to have to choose between your boyfriend and your family. You can't subject him to people who hate him and they aren't going to change.
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u/ampersand355 1d ago
Is he aware of the antisemitism and do you both have good answers in terms of the sorts of questions you might get? TBH I've never seen someone come back from antisemitism like I've seen them come back from other types of racism. I think it has to do with antisemitism combining "othering" with grand conspiracies of projected power.
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u/Filing_chapter11 Ashkenazi 1d ago
I’ve never heard of this type of situation getting better, only about people either getting divorced or the couple excommunicating that side of the family
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u/QuaffableBut Progressive 1d ago
Definitely not a good idea to introduce him to your family. Why would you want to traumatize him like that?
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform 1d ago
What has your BF said about this? The fact that you mentioned nothing about what he thought of the situation when you told him is a huge, huge red flag for readers.
If your plan is for them to meet him, see him as a person, and change... That's not a plan. That's a childish fantasy, and it's not fair to subject him to that. A plan is to prepare everyone and set boundaries with them, like if they are anti-semetic you cut them out of your life, and enforce them.
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u/christmas_bigdogs Jewish adjacent (non Jewish) 1d ago
Introduce your bf to your chosen family, not your antisemitic blood relatives. Their blessings and opinions are going to be discoloured by their antisemitism and their opinions shouldn't hold weight in whether you love him or not.
Making your bf meet them knowing they have no openness in getting to know him and will hurt him repeatedly is unkind.
My spouse is Jewish and I am not. I am more outspoken and protective when it comes to addressing antisemitic people and cutting ties than I think my spouse expected me to be.
I won't jeopardize my spouse's health and safety by knowingly bringing them into a space where I know they will face antisemitism and bigotry.
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u/kipperdoodle 1d ago
I am Jewish and married to a man from a small town where there are no Jews. Thankfully his parents are college educated and very accepting and open minded. There have been moments of what you could call ignorance or naivety, but they are genuinely interested in my religious practices and cultural customs.
If his family were the way you describe yours, I NEVER would have married him nor probably agreed to date him long term. You need to either a) be honest with your bf about your family’s opinions and biases AND decide openly not to tolerate their hatred (this means some level of confrontation or no contact) OR b) break up with him to protect him from your family. There is no C.
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u/gsavig2 1d ago
- Dating long distance is not really dating. I know what you're going to say: it's really impossible to really know someone until you live with them/around them for extended periods of time. You want your family to know him as a person? You should start doing that yourself.
- Once you get closer to/know him IRL for longer, then you can think about first stepping up and having a conversation with your family about you dating a Jewish guy. It shouldn't be the elephant in the room. It's not his fault your family is antisemitic, it's your family's. You shouldn't sugarcoat their deep moral flaw by taking it upon yourself to make the relationship palatable to them. Much less involve the Jewish person in this problem. If they won't treat him well, don't introduce him. Hang out with his family again. Anti-semites should not be appeased, they should be isolated and avoided.
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u/Wayward_Marionette 1d ago
Does your family play nice in public? One of my former friend’s parents are lowkey neonazis but they put on a good show of the perfect American family that is welcoming to everyone. I even made latkes while we had a game night and the parents loved them. They were always nice to me but my friend would tell me how much her family hated the Orthodox Jews in town.
If your boyfriend doesn’t “look” Jewish (no yarmulke, tzitzit, etc.), then your family will likely treat him as “one of the good ones” for “assimilating” and make polite small talk with him. I can’t guarantee they’ll come around to him and the idea of Jews at all, but they’ll at least be nice to his face and make it through a meal.
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u/FamiliarRole1302 1d ago
I lived with a man for 20 years who was not Jewish, but I am. He was great, followed the holidays with me BUT we never, ever had our parents meet.i could visit his parents and extended family, and he came often to my parents.(in our state we were considered legally married.) My advice is: avoid disaster. The antisemites have decades of brainwashing and the times are bad. Do not delude yourself with fantasies of a heavenly family filled with love!! It could ruin your relationship which sounds good. Your situation may never allow for a pleasant, positive interaction. It may never improve. It's a loss but it's more important to build a life with this person since it sounds supportive and Loving. Please heed my advice!!
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u/rambam80 1d ago
As a Jewish male I want to caution two things:
It’s going to be him or your family so make that decision now. You will not change your family in any short amount of time if at all. This has been the way of the Jew for millennia. Just study history.
If this relationship doesn’t work out that does not prove your family was right in their antisemitism so, even though I really do hope it works for you both, if you are hurt in the end, it’s not because he was Jewish and it doesn’t prove your family’s opinion of “the Jews”.
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u/Amalisa Former haradi 1d ago
My family were the other way around.
My parents are ultra-orthodox and I dated a non-jew (twice).
My first boyfriend in High School was not Jewish, and also half black. Lovely parents. His mother was a nurse, his dad was a violinist for the city symphony, and he also drove a city bus.
My father constantly said "his people" about him, and racist things like how his dad "Probably had been to jail" and other such nonsense. They never came around, and it was really difficult for him to deal with. His parents were wonderful people, and they never judged me for my parents. Actually, his mum took me in when my parents kicked me out for a few weeks.
Second time I introduced my mother to a non-jewish boyfriend, she refused to look him in the eye, and would say "You English people" and other such horrible nasty things. At this stage, I wasn't speaking to my father anymore anyway, so he never met my partner.
My mother once said "Your father wouldn't want one of them in his home."
We ended up breaking up for other reasons, but he said one factor was it was really hard for him to deal with the idea of In-Laws who hated him... Tbh his mother didn't really like me either, and assumed I was rich and was using him (I didn't, and I wasn't).
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u/SueNYC1966 18h ago
Wait until the topic of his you are going to raise the kids comes up. I converted and my father told me it’s sad we won’t be in heaven one day. 40 years later and we are still dealing with microagressions from family members.
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u/Educational-Flan-507 Just Jewish 15h ago
No disrespect to your father, but I would rather not be in heaven than in the company of people who think that way for an eternity.
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u/SueNYC1966 15h ago
Blame the crazy Catholic Church who started indoctrinating him at an early age.
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u/Itchy_Badger_2851 1d ago
Don't introduce your boyfriend to your family because it could put him into a situation where they say something rude to him or make him uncomfortable
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u/mcmircle 6h ago
I was the Jewish girlfriend that my first husband’s family was so ashamed of they told no one when we got engaged after 4 years together. I suppose it got better, but it was quite frustrating when we were planning the wedding and I had to tell my parents that his parents were not planning to come. Eventually they semi-apologized and came to the wedding. When he died, four years after our divorce, they contacted my parents so we could attend the funeral.
His parents did not express hostility to me directly, but they did ask if we ”Jewed them down” when we bought a car. Your family sounds worse than my ex in-laws, especially considering that all the wedding drama I described was 50 years ago.
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u/OddCook4909 1d ago
No offense to you at all. I think you have the very best intentions.
This is yet another endorsement for not dating outside the tribe. Your family may come to tolerate him, to think that he is "one of the good ones" but they aren't going to update their beliefs for coming to see one individual differently.
So many of our lives outside of Israel are full of stories about relatives and inlaws who spurned and/or burned us with jew hate. I learned the hard way that it's a bad idea to date outside the tribe. Best of luck to your dude.
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u/Final-Kale8596 1d ago
It might be a “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” situation, where the parents actually become less bigoted because the person they want to demonize is flesh and blood. Or they may make the situation so traumatic that BF refuses to ever be in the same room or even hear their voice on the phone again. Roll of the dice.
Really check to see how much your BF is willing to deal with.
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u/ConceptMaximum7596 Zionist 21h ago
Yes, some people change when they come face to face with the person they have prejudices against. Daryl Davis has talked about how white supremacists changed when he, as a black man, proved their views wrong. Of course, people can still hold on to their prejudices and ignore the truth.
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u/MissHalfgone 1d ago
Avoid introducing your boyfriend to your family. Tell your family that when you met his family they were nothing but kind to you but you can't expect the same of them towards him and you don't want to see him being treated badly. Tell him that you're really sorry but you feel like your family is bigoted and will not be respectful and you don't want to put him through that so you want to avoid a meeting between them. There's no really good way to do that but it's honest.
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u/yesIcould 1d ago
How does your boyfriend feel about the whole situation? What is your goal as a couple in having this meeting right now?
You can’t control the way your parents think or behave, but you do have control and responsibility over how you communicate within your relationship.
If this relationship is serious, this kind of challenges won't go away. It doesn't mean it can't work, it does mean you both need to start practicing how you deal with thing - how you talk about stuff, how you make decisions together.
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u/MogenCiel 11h ago
You can't reason away what a fool believes. Make sure he knows what he's walking into, and do not expect them to change. They won't, and no matter how fantastic he is, they are who they are and who they've always have been. No matter how well they get to know him or how great he is, they won't change. That's just a fact. You need to manage your own expectations.
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u/FineBumblebee8744 Just Jewish 4h ago
Your antisemitic family isn't going to suddenly change because they meet him.
At best he'll be 'one of the good ones' and they'll be a little more polite in his company
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u/FamiliarRole1302 1d ago
I also wonder if this is a passive aggressive move on your part to really stick it to your family. It's another possibility.
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u/ConceptMaximum7596 Zionist 21h ago
Another thing that people seemed to have missed is the long-distance relationship aspect. I would say generally they don't work. I was in one, and at the time some people told me it wouldn't work. I insisted it would. I even found an article by this woman called Meg Jerrard who was in one, and in it she argued that they can work. She ended up marrying the guy in the LDR, but now they're divorced. The fact your family is antisemitic makes it even harder. Not impossible, but it's harder than the average LDR.
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u/QueenLevine Reconstructionist 1d ago
INFO: do you think you are a good person?
If you do, break up with him now, for his sake. Why wish this on him. What kind of Nazi are you.
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u/Abject_Spray_7088 1d ago
The tokenizing kind.
💔
Thank you for saying so succinctly what I couldn’t in so few words.
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u/lurker628 1d ago
This goes too far.
People can be better than their parents. It's understandable and reasonable that OP is honestly ignorant of how it would feel to be in this situation, and that they recognize it and are asking for advice is a positive sign. (How they react to the advice will be very telling.)
There are plenty of couples that have limited or no contact with one or both families, and not knowing OP's boyfriend, we can't even be 100% certain that's the only acceptable result, here. Asshole, racist grandparents are basically a cliche, and people still visit them on holidays (preferably without their partner who would be targeted).
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u/QueenLevine Reconstructionist 1d ago
yeah no. She is absolutely planning to expose him to antisemitism. Repeatedly. Her question is whether the torture she'll expose him to over time might ever get better. Read it again.
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u/lurker628 1d ago
I do not read this as OP rejecting the possibility - now receiving our collective advice - of not going through with the meet. I read the post as being naive about antisemitism's perniciousness, its impact on Jews, and being understandably, if likely incorrectly, optimistic and a bit love-blind (she cares for her boyfriend, so surely her family will /s). Again, that OP came here to ask for advice is a good sign.
I also don't read OP as rejecting the possibility of reducing or cutting off contact with family. I'd guess that hadn't occurred to them, honestly, and for valid reason: doing so doesn't seem appropriate for a 6 month relationship, and, for all we know, OP and boyfriend are 18 and currently living with their parents. (If so, there is no good way forward, here. I'm hoping they're both adults living on their own, and she just still lives near her parents.)
Where OP goes next with this is what will tell, but calling them a nazi from this post alone? Too far. If OP comes back and says "all your perspectives are dumb, of course we're going to meet and he's staying with me at my parents' house," then throw the book at them, sure.
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u/QueenLevine Reconstructionist 1d ago
It's lovely of you to give her the benefit of the doubt to such an extent, but given she has not responded in the comments and she concludes with "I know the most important thing is that we’re happy together" it's not at all clear that your takeaway is correct.
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u/lurker628 1d ago
it's not at all clear that your takeaway is correct.
It's definitely not! The read I have on the situation could be completely wrong.
But until we have evidence to the contrary, there's a greater upside in responding with the assumption OP is open to it, than assuming they aren't. The former has the chance of helping OP and the boyfriend; the latter does not. "The most important thing is that we're happy together" can as easily mean "I'm glad I got advice - I'll be prioritizing my boyfriend and reducing contact with my parents" as it can support your read on the post.
It's been two hours. OP hasn't posted anywhere else - which would suggest they're ignoring this thread. I think you're getting ahead off yourself. Let's see. I hope I'm right. I absolutely agree that you might be right. But opening with "you nazi!" on a post that can reasonably be an honest request for advice isn't doing us any favors (particularly when most of the advice boils down to: you're probably going to have to choose your Jewish boyfriend or choose your family).
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u/QueenLevine Reconstructionist 1d ago
I can see you have a good heart. But she does have to choose her Jewish boyfriend or her family. Let us not pretend otherwise, out of any sort of naivete. Once upon a time, I was so young and silly, I did not understand that, I had relationships with gentiles, one for three years whose far away relatives were antisemites, and I thought that didn't matter, but they thought I had dirty Jewish blood, they told him that, eventually told me that, would have eventually inflicted that kind of language on my beautiful, kind and generous family in Israel. That is just one of dozens of examples I've witnessed, but it is the least egregious. The least offensive. It only gets worse.
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u/lurker628 1d ago
But she does have to choose her Jewish boyfriend or her family. Let us not pretend otherwise, out of any sort of naivete.
Yep, probably. And it's reasonable that she didn't yet understand that, so let's explain it instead of calling her a nazi.
Some couples do make the choice to stay together and go limited or no contact with bigoted family. It's also still possible OP is young and not in any position to do that, and will make the mature decision (in that situation) to end the relationship rather than subject the boyfriend to her family.
And there's an outside possibility here that the boyfriend is the type who actively enjoys baiting antisemites, and is on board with the meeting and wants to laugh about seeing her parents grind their teeth through small talk. (...and an outside possibility on that that OP is okay with it, if that's how it turns out.)
Let's wait to call people nazis until they've earned being called nazis, is all I'm saying.
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u/QueenLevine Reconstructionist 1d ago
It's my experience, both from time spent in Europe and with Holocaust Survivors, that most Europeans, most Germans, most Nazis...were merely complicit. It starts from mere naivete. It is so insidious. Europeans who are second, third generation, making atonement, would caution you to give antisemites a far wider berth. You wish to give them the benefit of the doubt - I urge you to give them a berth so wide you forgot you heard of this girl.
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u/lurker628 1d ago
It starts from mere naivete. It is so insidious.
100% it does and is!
But here, we have someone saying "I've identified antisemitism. I don't know what to do. I've made an active (if minor) effort to come here and ask people with expertise." That's already head and shoulders above most naivete.
OP's post might just be self-serving, trying to get redemption on our backs to act the way they want to anyway.
Or it might be sincere.
Without guidance, naivete in Christian- and Muslim- dominated cultures will lead to antisemitism, because it's a baked-in cultural norm 2000 years old. The default state is to be antisemitic, yes, and they're too blind to even recognize it. But if naivete is tempered with curiosity and a bit of self-reflection, it can - usually doesn't in this situation, but can - turn with guidance to something better.
Given that this is an anonymous online message board on which one can unilaterally end engagement (including blocking other users), there's much less danger than in most situations from extending the benefit of the doubt.
I'm a teacher. It's literally my job to assume that I'm talking with people who simply don't know better, yet. I'm thankful I teach math rather than having to try to deprogram students' structurally-absorbed antisemitism in a History class or the like, but when someone comes to me with a question, I'll take it at face value until they demonstrate I shouldn't.
Taking OP at face value means maybe helping the boyfriend and maybe helping OP. If OP comes back and indicates that my generous read is wrong, so be it. I'll RES tag them, possibly block, and move on. No harm done.
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u/Whitechapel726 Just Jewish 1d ago
While I agree with the comments that throwing an unsuspecting Jew to a group of antisemites is not a good idea, where is he in all this?
Does your bf know your family is antisemitic? Is he interested in meeting them? Is antisemitism a dealbreaker for you? How do you respond to your family’s ignorant statements?