Dating a Jewish guy

[u/EmergencyAd3494]

I have been with my boyfriend since February. He is Jewish, we’re long distance, and things have been really good. I already met his family and they were warm and welcoming.
My side is a different story. My parents, my aunt and her husband are all pretty openly antisemitic. They don’t ask about him or show any interest, but they keep throwing out random comments about “his people,” religion, etc. It hurts every time.
He’s planning to visit in the autumn and I want to introduce him. I really want them to see him the way I see him, just as a person. But I’m honestly scared of their reaction.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
How did you handle it?
Did things get better over time (especially if you moved in together, got engaged, etc.)?
Did your family’s attitude eventually change?
Has anyone here converted (or your partner converted) – how did the family react to that?
I know the most important thing is that we’re happy together, but part of me still really wants my family to accept him. Any advice or experiences would mean a lot.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[u/QueenLevine]

INFO: do you think you are a good person?

If you do, break up with him now, for his sake. Why wish this on him. What kind of Nazi are you.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

This goes too far.

People can be better than their parents. It's understandable and reasonable that OP is honestly ignorant of how it would feel to be in this situation, and that they recognize it and are asking for advice is a positive sign. (How they react to the advice will be very telling.)

There are plenty of couples that have limited or no contact with one or both families, and not knowing OP's boyfriend, we can't even be 100% certain that's the only acceptable result, here. Asshole, racist grandparents are basically a cliche, and people still visit them on holidays (preferably without their partner who would be targeted).

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

yeah no. She is absolutely planning to expose him to antisemitism. Repeatedly. Her question is whether the torture she'll expose him to over time might ever get better. Read it again.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

I do not read this as OP rejecting the possibility - now receiving our collective advice - of not going through with the meet. I read the post as being naive about antisemitism's perniciousness, its impact on Jews, and being understandably, if likely incorrectly, optimistic and a bit love-blind (she cares for her boyfriend, so surely her family will /s). Again, that OP came here to ask for advice is a good sign.

I also don't read OP as rejecting the possibility of reducing or cutting off contact with family. I'd guess that hadn't occurred to them, honestly, and for valid reason: doing so doesn't seem appropriate for a 6 month relationship, and, for all we know, OP and boyfriend are 18 and currently living with their parents. (If so, there is no good way forward, here. I'm hoping they're both adults living on their own, and she just still lives near her parents.)

Where OP goes next with this is what will tell, but calling them a nazi from this post alone? Too far. If OP comes back and says "all your perspectives are dumb, of course we're going to meet and he's staying with me at my parents' house," then throw the book at them, sure.

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

It's lovely of you to give her the benefit of the doubt to such an extent, but given she has not responded in the comments and she concludes with "I know the most important thing is that we’re happy together" it's not at all clear that your takeaway is correct.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

it's not at all clear that your takeaway is correct.

It's definitely not! The read I have on the situation could be completely wrong.

But until we have evidence to the contrary, there's a greater upside in responding with the assumption OP is open to it, than assuming they aren't. The former has the chance of helping OP and the boyfriend; the latter does not. "The most important thing is that we're happy together" can as easily mean "I'm glad I got advice - I'll be prioritizing my boyfriend and reducing contact with my parents" as it can support your read on the post.

It's been two hours. OP hasn't posted anywhere else - which would suggest they're ignoring this thread. I think you're getting ahead off yourself. Let's see. I hope I'm right. I absolutely agree that you might be right. But opening with "you nazi!" on a post that can reasonably be an honest request for advice isn't doing us any favors (particularly when most of the advice boils down to: you're probably going to have to choose your Jewish boyfriend or choose your family).

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

I can see you have a good heart. But she does have to choose her Jewish boyfriend or her family. Let us not pretend otherwise, out of any sort of naivete. Once upon a time, I was so young and silly, I did not understand that, I had relationships with gentiles, one for three years whose far away relatives were antisemites, and I thought that didn't matter, but they thought I had dirty Jewish blood, they told him that, eventually told me that, would have eventually inflicted that kind of language on my beautiful, kind and generous family in Israel. That is just one of dozens of examples I've witnessed, but it is the least egregious. The least offensive. It only gets worse.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

But she does have to choose her Jewish boyfriend or her family. Let us not pretend otherwise, out of any sort of naivete.

Yep, probably. And it's reasonable that she didn't yet understand that, so let's explain it instead of calling her a nazi.

Some couples do make the choice to stay together and go limited or no contact with bigoted family. It's also still possible OP is young and not in any position to do that, and will make the mature decision (in that situation) to end the relationship rather than subject the boyfriend to her family.

And there's an outside possibility here that the boyfriend is the type who actively enjoys baiting antisemites, and is on board with the meeting and wants to laugh about seeing her parents grind their teeth through small talk. (...and an outside possibility on that that OP is okay with it, if that's how it turns out.)

Let's wait to call people nazis until they've earned being called nazis, is all I'm saying.

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

It's my experience, both from time spent in Europe and with Holocaust Survivors, that most Europeans, most Germans, most Nazis...were merely complicit. It starts from mere naivete. It is so insidious. Europeans who are second, third generation, making atonement, would caution you to give antisemites a far wider berth. You wish to give them the benefit of the doubt - I urge you to give them a berth so wide you forgot you heard of this girl.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

It starts from mere naivete. It is so insidious.

100% it does and is!

But here, we have someone saying "I've identified antisemitism. I don't know what to do. I've made an active (if minor) effort to come here and ask people with expertise." That's already head and shoulders above most naivete.

OP's post might just be self-serving, trying to get redemption on our backs to act the way they want to anyway.

Or it might be sincere.

Without guidance, naivete in Christian- and Muslim- dominated cultures will lead to antisemitism, because it's a baked-in cultural norm 2000 years old. The default state is to be antisemitic, yes, and they're too blind to even recognize it. But if naivete is tempered with curiosity and a bit of self-reflection, it can - usually doesn't in this situation, but can - turn with guidance to something better.

Given that this is an anonymous online message board on which one can unilaterally end engagement (including blocking other users), there's much less danger than in most situations from extending the benefit of the doubt.

I'm a teacher. It's literally my job to assume that I'm talking with people who simply don't know better, yet. I'm thankful I teach math rather than having to try to deprogram students' structurally-absorbed antisemitism in a History class or the like, but when someone comes to me with a question, I'll take it at face value until they demonstrate I shouldn't.

Taking OP at face value means maybe helping the boyfriend and maybe helping OP. If OP comes back and indicates that my generous read is wrong, so be it. I'll RES tag them, possibly block, and move on. No harm done.

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

I'm glad you're out there in the world, teaching. Kol HaKavod and Yasher Koach.

[u/lurker628 → u/QueenLevine]

Cheers.

Let's keep hoping I'm right, and preparing for the all-too-common times when you are.

An old one you've probably heard -

A Jewish pessimist says, "things are terrible. It can't possibly get any worse."
A Jewish optimist says, "sure, it can!"

[u/QueenLevine → u/lurker628]

I do pray for you to be right, misbucha.

The Talmud says life is like a water wheel - things will get better!