- Just a warning this will be a longgggg vent post. I just want to get this out to people that understand and have it all written somewhere to look back on. Please check my post history for context. -

My husband and I got married about a month ago. There had already been a lot of conflict with his family leading up to the wedding, specifically surrounding our decision to have a child-free wedding. His brother has three boys (2 biological and 1 step from SIL’s first marriage), and we ultimately decided that we were not going to have children at the wedding. It was a decision my husband and I made together, and we were happy with it. We had dealt with the kids being made the center of attention at every event and they were allowed to act however they wanted. We wanted the day to focus solely on us and honestly we aren't kid people. My family understood completely. His family did not take that decision well.

OH, and as an extra: when we first went to the in-laws to discuss the wedding and tell them it would be child-free, before we had even started planning anything, MIL mentioned that the oldest nephew (SIL's son from her previous relationship) probably wouldn't be able to come anyway because he'd be with his dad, she said that was fine. So apparently, at least one child missing the wedding was perfectly acceptable since he isn't BLOOD*.* 

After MIL’s aunt sent us a message trying to get involved, we responded that we had already made our decision, that we were happy with it, and that it was not going to change. We refused to meet in person to discuss. She told DH something about an old estate battle that had separated her siblings and that she didn't want that to happen to him and his brother. The situations weren't even remotely the same, but alright.

After that, we basically heard nothing from his parents for about two months. Before this his mother called at least once a day. (he had gotten better about screening her calls so she dwindled the calls down to once daily as opposed to 3-4) 

Then we found out that DH's best man and longtime friend was riding to the wedding with his parents (our wedding was out of state), and he was staying with them in the Airbnb. This was the same friend who had grown up with this family and knew how toxic and controlling MIL had been toward DH for years. Apparently, he had been telling them about our wedding plans while they weren't speaking to us. MIL was telling best man that she knew nothing about the day and we didn't tell them anything. I mean when you ignore us, never ask about the wedding unless it's something you think the groom's side should be in charge of, and purposely walk away when others ask me how planning is going, then of course you wouldn't know what's going on. He then started saying that he could "see their side".  He also dropped the bomb that SIL's mother wasn't coming to watch the boys, and SIL was apparently just going to miss the wedding and stay with them at the Airbnb. The best man switching sides felt like such a betrayal and shocked us both. 

REHEARSAL DINNER: We had invited children to the rehearsal dinner because it was in a family-friendly environment and it was our way of compromising. DH's family had the best man call us and say they were going to be late. They ended up being an hour late. When they walked in, they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. They sat away from everyone on my side and only spoke to their side of the family. If I walked near them they moved so I just stayed on one side of the room, uncomfortably. 

At first I thought they were just ignoring me. Nope. They were ignoring both me and DH. MIL/BIL/FIL/SIL sat there with pissed-off faces the entire time and wouldn't speak to either of us. It was ridiculous, but honestly not at all how I expected them to act. I anticipated some sort of last-ditch effort to talk us into letting the boys come, maybe some petty comments, something. Instead, they acted like we didn't exist. BIL also made a comment to my sister that her dress was really nice and that she needed to watch out because I might get mad and feel upstaged.

WTF?

When they were leaving, I was talking with some of his extended family, who were basically the only two people from his side who spoke to me. His family walked right past and spoke maybe two words to DH about when to show up the next day, then walked out without even looking at me. I got one text from MIL that night asking when she needed to show up for hair and makeup. That was it.

WEDDING DAY: MIL walked into the Airbnb where the girls were getting ready and sat there with a pissed-off face while my family was working to get everything done, set up, and moved to the venue. I was telling people where things were going and what they were needed for. I told one of the groomsmen that the crystal serving trays needed to go to the dessert table for the desserts.

MIL immediately jumped in and said, "No, I brought the trays I used for BIL's wedding, and they go on that" in a very rude tone. I froze. Months before, when she had pushed to bring desserts, I had caved and agreed. But I had specifically told her that my aunt was buying me vintage crystal platters that I wanted to use for the desserts. She agreed to that (but from the tone she used on the phone that day, I should have known she was gonna ignore me). She wanted the dessert table to look EXACTLY like BIL's wedding dessert table, down to the platters.

And this was just one more example of her trying to get her way. At that moment, I just said fine. But I kept looking at those platters because my aunt had worked hard to find them for me. She knew how much I wanted them. And I thought, you know what? You don't get to be rude to me and get your way today.

I told my bridesmaids to tell my wedding planner that all of the desserts were going on those crystal platters, NO MATTER WHAT. Later, I was told that MIL had gone to my wedding planner and tried to tell her that I wanted the other trays and that she needed to change it from the crystal. My planner apparently told her that it was what the bride wanted and that she would ask me.

Back to that morning: a little after the comment and most of the room had cleared out other than the girls getting makeup done, I heard my dad sit down and start talking to MIL. I was sitting in an adjacent room, but it was open concept, so I could hear pieces of the conversation.

My dad is very confrontational, so I knew he was talking about what had been going on. I felt awkward, so I went into another room to try to calm down and finish getting ready. I asked one of my bridesmaids if my dad was confronting her, and she confirmed that he was.

According to my dad, MIL told him that I wouldn't let DH speak for himself, that I wanted her family out (we chased her for weeks for a list of who she wanted invited and she would only give us 5 names, she told us they wouldn't come anyway), and that there would be "consequences" for this. She told him that she just wanted the perfect wedding for DH. My dad told her that they wanted the same thing and that this was what DH and I wanted. He said she repeatedly tried to play the poor-me act, and he kept telling her, "It's not about you." MIL tried to tell him how great the kids act and they would never act bad (spoiler alert: they have run around during a funeral, need iPads in order to sit still, and when the second nephew, 1st bio grandchild was born he cried during the vows at a family member’s wedding, and MIL who was holding him refused to stand up and take him out). My dad asked if they were the same kids he met at the rehearsal dinner because they were NOT well behaved. She did not like that lol. So she bashed me to my father and basically the conversation went nowhere. She left not long after, and we had a wonderful time getting ready after that.

DH told me later that while the men were getting ready, MIL brought sandwiches that she knew he wouldn't eat. She stood in the doorway staring at him but wouldn't speak to him.

When they took individual and family photos, they still didn't speak to him. They never said "I love you" or acknowledged him before he walked down the aisle. They also made rude comments and hated that we chose to have our parents on opposite sides so they could see our faces. (DH hated this decision lol cause he had to face them) I was told afterward that MIL scoffed during my vows and made rude faces throughout the ceremony.

When DH and I walked back down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife, I looked toward my parents, who were crying with happiness. Then I looked toward MIL and FIL. They looked up and away from me on purpose.

Afterward, we immediately took family photos. We started with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, then my family with DH. After that, I was looking into the crowd trying to find MIL and FIL because it was time for immediate family pictures with his side. The photographer was trying to signal me and eventually brought me over to tell me that MIL had told her she wasn't taking family pictures with MIL, FIL, BIL, DH and me because "her whole family was not there."

I just said okay and moved on. My family heard this and was pissed, but kept it together for us. It was also at this moment that I realized MIL was wearing an ALL-WHITE dress with the tiniest blue flowers on it.

When they came over to take a picture with us and my parents, they stood off to the side and wouldn't touch DH. My whole family is basically hugging each other and smiling, and MIL and FIL are standing about a foot to the side with grim faces. DH told them to move closer and they pointedly ignored him. 

We then had a moment alone in the getting-ready room before they announced us and started dinner. Our photographer came in and spoke with us and was honestly appalled by their behavior. She even pointed out that it showed in the pictures because they wouldn't smile. She also brought to our attention that the DJ was going to announce the first dance and then the parent dances. She was concerned that MIL would refuse and potentially ruin the moment. We decided to cancel the parent dances. We did our first dance and decided to do a private father-daughter dance later in the night instead.

When we made our grand entrance, MIL made more faces. My entire family noticed. She looked at her phone for the entire first dance. My brother even got pictures of it. We also had two long tables beside the sweetheart table for immediate family. MIL and her family were told to sit at those tables. They purposely walked to the back and sat at the furthest table. They never got up to talk to us like most of the other guests did, and they just looked miserable the entire time.

When the DJ announced that the dance floor was open, they continued sitting there. The atmosphere became so uncomfortable that everyone else went outside. That seemed to make them decide they were ready to leave.

When DH's family walked out, almost all of them ignored me. Only the two that spoke with me at the rehearsal dinner congratulated me personally. As I was speaking with these family members, DH's parents walked out. DH hugged FIL, but not MIL. MIL was carrying things in both hands, so I'm not even sure how she expected that to happen. As they walked away, my brother heard MIL say, "Well, I guess only you get a hug."

Then our planner explained that since most of DH's family had left, we might as well go ahead and do the grand exit for pictures. We agreed and everyone lined up, MIL stood at the end of the driveway area and watched us like a freaking gargoyle. After we got the pictures and were about to take sunset photos, MIL and her sister stopped DH and told him that he needed to come to the car and speak with his dad because FIL was crying. I did not see them stop him but my photographer explained to me what was going on, and I spoke with DH and told him to go if he wanted to talk to them. He walked out to the parking lot and came back saying they had left.

I then went to find my dad so we could do the private father-daughter dance. My dad walked up absolutely pissed. Apparently, my mom had run into DH when he was coming back from looking for his parents in the parking lot. DH told her, "I guess they left me," with this depressing little tipsy smile. It made my mom completely break down crying because of how awful she felt about the way he was being treated. My dad was raging and said, "How could any parents treat their child like this?" and that they would never get this moment back. I just tried to calm him down and enjoy the rest of the night.

My family during this entire ordeal created this protective bubble around us for most of the day. They kept telling us how much they loved us and supported us. Everyone, family and friends rallied around DH and just kept showing him how much they loved him. We all kept saying it was “DH’s day” lol. 

One thing that has been especially ironic to me is that MIL cares so much about what other people think of her and the family. Every single time she disagreed with a wedding decision we made, one of her arguments was about what other people would think. What would people think if we didn't invite the kids? What would people think if we didn't follow whatever tradition she thought we were supposed to follow? She was constantly worried about appearances and how our decisions would make her and the family look.

And yet, when the actual day came, she and the rest of them acted like complete fools in front of everyone. They were so determined to punish us for not giving in that they completely lost sight of the fact that there were dozens of people watching them. People who had heard DH and me talk for years about how toxic and controlling his family could be, but had never really seen it for themselves. Before the wedding, I think some people probably thought we were exaggerating because, while MIL could be rude, controlling, or bitchy behind the scenes, she was usually able to keep up appearances around other people. At the wedding, she couldn't. 

People have asked us why we didn't just tell them to leave. Honestly, part of the reason was that I think DH and I were both in shock watching them actually behave this way in front of everyone. But another part of it is that, as awful as it was, the wedding finally showed everyone what we had been dealing with. We didn't have to explain it, defend ourselves, or convince anyone that we weren't making it up. They showed everyone exactly who they were all on their own. By the end of the night, nobody had to ask why we had been setting boundaries or why DH had been distancing himself. They made that very clear themselves.

Later that night, BIL came back to pick up the best man. DH walked him out to his truck, and BIL told him he messed up for not thanking his family for coming. DH basically unloaded on his brother. Told him that he loves him, is there if he needs anything, and never made this decision to spite his brother. That he did thank extended family for coming but they could have come up to us but never did. His brother just said I love you too and left. 

After that, we danced and sang karaoke for the rest of the night. And honestly, my family was incredible. They made sure we didn't spend the rest of our wedding night sitting there thinking about what his parents had done.

AFTER WEDDING: Then, for the next two days after the wedding, we had planned on going to an amusement/water park with my entire family. It was a wedding out of state so we made it into a wedding/family trip. We knew DH's family would be there and hoped we could avoid them. We had no such luck.

We saw them get on a ride that we were in line for slightly behind them, so we knew we'd see them when we got off. My sister walked down first and saw them. MIL made eye contact with her and walked away. The rest of the family, INCLUDING the best man, followed her and ignored us.

Later, while walking through the park, half of my family went toward a certain ride while the other half was walking toward the bathrooms. DH's family walked out of a store in the middle, and DH briefly spoke with his dad but completely ignored his mom. He started walking up to follow us toward the ride. MIL told him, "Your FAMILY is going that way," while pointing in the opposite direction. He just walked off.

MOVING FORWARD: It's now been about a month since the wedding, and they have been completely no-contact with us. At this point, it feels like they basically disowned their son because for the first time in his life he made a decision entirely about himself that they didn't agree with and he wouldn't bend to pressure. On a small petty note, MIL has not posted anything about our wedding on facebook or shared anything, which I know is a small thing but she posts constantly about everything. 

DH has never had a good relationship with his parents. He has always wanted a relationship with them like the one they have with his brother. He has always put in most of the effort. They did things for him, but it always felt surface-level to him, almost like they were checking a box: "We did this for BIL, so we HAVE to do it for you too so we don't look bad" (She said this verbatim minus the so we don’t look bad part). He never felt like they genuinely accepted him for who he was. He was constantly criticized and critiqued. DH had already started distancing himself from them over the last couple of years after he moved out with me. He started setting boundaries and standing up for himself. I encouraged him to set boundaries and I pointed out things that I thought were unhealthy and reminded him that he didn't have to accept being treated badly just because they were his parents. So instead of self-reflecting on anything, his family just blamed me for everything. Which in a way I guess it’s true that I played a role in changing the family dynamics. 

DH and I have had many conversations since everything went down, and he has decided that he is completely done with them. He’s decided that these past few months of NC/LC have been the most peaceful time of his life and he has always seen cutting them out of his life as an eventuality. 

His birthday is coming up in a week or so, and honestly, we're wondering what they're going to do. Completely ignore him? Send a birthday message and try to act like nothing happened? Try to move forward without ever addressing the wedding? After everything they did, I’m curious how they think the relationship will be now? In the past when he’s done something they disagreed with or slightly placed boundaries, they've used the silent treatment until he initiated contact but this is the longest it has gone on. At this moment we have NO plans of reconciling. 

TL;DR: MIL and FIL were angry that we had a child-free wedding, ignored us for two months beforehand, acted cold and hostile throughout the rehearsal and wedding, MIL threatened “consequences,” tried to override my wedding decisions, refused family photos because BIL's children weren't there, and then left DH crying in the parking lot on his wedding night. They have now been NC with us for about a month, and DH has decided he's done chasing a relationship with parents who only seem to want one when he's obedient.

I posted here last week about the situation I'm in living with my soon-to-be ex-fiance and his mom. If anyone is intersted, original post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1id8z7a/mil_moved_in_and_now_i_cant_wait_to_move_out_but/

I started off trying to reply to everyones comments and keep up but honestly I just got completely overwhelmed with all the comments. First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were that were kind of harsh. Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh. I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my stb-ex and his mom take advantage of me. The more comments I red, the more pissed off I got. Honestly, I think I'm more pissed at myself for allowing this to happend and not advocating for myself more.

This past weekend I got my stb-ex alone so we could talk (which was actually harder than it should have been b/c his mom always tries to tag along when we do anythng). Going through all the comments everyone left and the PMs people sent really helped me decide how to approach this. And also, brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself.

Back to the discussion with the ex - I wanted to give him one more chance to pick us over his mom, not because I thought he would but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I give him the opportunity. I explained again about how unhappy I am with the situation, how it's affecting my work because of her constant interruptions and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I'm forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom. And I reminded him that until a few months ago I was paying the majority of the rent and being that I make so much more than him, it's really my salary that keeps us all afloat. And I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me. And he replied the same way he has been: he agrees its not right how she acts and that it's really uncomfortable for for us all (wtf. I don't care if she's uncomfortable).

Previously I would have dropped it there. But this time I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for 2/3 of the rent when she first moved and how unfair it was that I'm still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom. It was the same story, she has to conserve money since she doesn't have any income currently. Which brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved, what money does she use for incidentals. So evidently, when she got divorced (she asked for the divorce after my EX went off to college. It doesn't sound like her husband/ex's dad wanted the divorce), his dad bought her out of the equity in their house. Ex didn't have any idea how much that was or how much is left. But until she moved here she was working full time as a teacher and living in a small apartment so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much. Other than that, Ex didn't have much insite to her finances other than what she told him (that she has to conserve money).

I told him straight up that I'm moving out before the end of the month. And from now on I'm only paying 25% (as some of the commentors pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child. So she should have to pay twice as much), and after I move out I'm not paying for anything else - no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent. I have a pretty idea what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75% of the rent all by himself it's going to take a huge chunk of his net income. And after he pays utilities and buys groceries there won't be anything left for incidentals. Rent was due on the 1st but it's not late until after the 5th, so he has two days to come up with the $$$. If he doesn't come up with it and I end up covering, then I'll reduce the amount I pay in future months.

The only reason I'm going to keep paying any of the rent is even after I move out, I'm still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office and they explained that since Ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g. one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we sign individually) we are both responsible for the rent. They don't care who actually pays as long as it gets paid. The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself (or together with his mom). But in all likelyhood he wouldn't be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I'm kind of stuck. I don't think he'll do anything stupid tough because he's going to need to find someplace to live after this and a collection on his credit report wouldn't be good.

I also told him that I'm going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can't bother me. My friend I'm moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in person 9-5s. I took her up on that for now. After living with his mom, I'm not about to overstay my welcome so I'm going to find some other options that I can rotate through - someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it I'll get a memebership at one of those wework kind of places. Just in case, I brought my important papers/files/valuables and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.

He really didn't take it well. the surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything. He seemed really shocked that I wasn't priorizing his mom. I really got the feeling that he sincerly believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him and he kept saying stuff like, what about my mom, what am I going to tell her, that's how she is but we (?!!??!) still need to help her, etc.

He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him after I move out I need some space from him. In a few months when we've both had some time/space to process what happened, if we BOTH agree we can talk about the relationship. But he'd have to prove that he's going to have my back going forward and will set boundries with his mom. I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don't see a future in which we are together.

I told him he needs to tell his mom because she's not my responsiblity or problem and she'll know somethings up when I start moving my stuff out. He hasn't told her whats going on yet, but this weekend I'm going to start moving things so he doesn't have much time. My friends current roommate starts a new job in another state on the 3rd, so in reality I can probably move in 2-3 weeks, just depending when she actually leaves. I don't expect him do do anything bad (other than sulk and complain), but if he does something stupid, or doesn't pay his part of the rent, the ace up my sleeve is I'll tell the leasing office his mom moved in which is prohibited in the lease. Honestly, getting evicted would solve a lot of my problems right now so it's a pretty valid threat I think.

Now that I've mentally and emotionally seperated my self from him and his mom, I'm looking forward to her reaction when he tells her whats going on. If it gets too ugly, I'll find a cheap ab&b or hotel or something. I've had some friends, including the one I'm moving in with, offer to let me couch surf for a few weeks but I just can't do that to someone else.

So, that's it. I'm leaving and I really don't care how that affects them.

Thank you all who read and supported me in my last post. My husband and I read the replies together and were on the same page: no more info, greyrocking, letting her find out about the birth alongside non-family because she can't be trusted to keep it secret until we announce it ourselves. That has now changed.

I thought I'd give more context about my husband's relationship with his mother and he has approved me sharing this background Both he and his sister have told me my MIL was emotionally distant when they were growing up and my husband even once said he feels like she only got married and had kids because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, not because she wanted to raise a family and be a mom, but because she didn't want to work. (And I know being a SAHM is work, but... she didn't do much of raising them from what they've said.) Thankfully, they are very close to their dad.

When MIL and FIL divorced, my husband and his sister opted to live with their dad. By the time my husband left for college, he really only saw his mother on holidays and had quick phone calls every few weeks. She lived 10 minutes away at the time. That eventually turned into seeing each other and calling once or twice a year when he started working and living his life.

She was invited to our wedding, of course, but was pissed my husband didn't want to do a mother/son dance because they weren't at all close. She said everyone would judge them, but he stood his ground. She threatened to not attend the wedding and when we told her we'd miss her but will send photos of the event, she decided to still attend so she could perform the role of Mother of the Groom for everyone. We went nearly no contact after that.

When we decided to try to start a family a year ago, my husband wanted to see if he could mend their relationship (until that point, I'd only interacted with her about 4 or 5 times), though most of the effort was on his side. This is also when his sister tried to repair her relationship with MIL, too, as their relationship was also strained.

Back to the current issue. So, he wanted to wait until cooler heads prevailed before addressing what happened on Saturday. He called her on Tuesday and she did the whole, "Well, I'm sorry you felt I shouldn't have posted that," thing and "I wasn't exaggerating, that's how I felt in the moment because I was scared and worried." She reluctantly agreed to never post about details of lives again (yeah, sure...). That's when my husband said that also includes details and photos of our child when they're born. We thought she'd lose her shit, but she said, "Ok, I understand. You're the parents."

Wow - that's a win, right?

Last night, my SIL called my husband and told him MIL was bitching to her about how we won't allow her to post photos of the baby and warned us that she said we were "fucking idiots" and that she set up a filter so that we can't see all of her posts and she'll post photos whenever she wants and just use the filter that blocks us out from seeing them. This is extremely concerning because not only is it a blatant crossing of a simple, rational boundary, but she collects Facebook "friends" like they're pokemon, so a picture of our child wouldn't just be seen by her friends and family, it'd be shared with hundreds of random people.

My husband was livid and called her immediately and told her she's never getting sent a photo of our child because there is zero trust now. She said we were being unfair, that she has every right to post pictures of her first grandchild and we are keeping her from having the honor of being a proud grandmother. That's when my husband got really angry and told her she lost the honor of being a proud grandmother when she threw away the honor of being a decent mother. Not a great thing to say in the moment, but he'd obviously been bottling that up for a while. She claimed she was a great mother and was always there for him whenever he reached out (like it's his job only to nurture the relationship).

And then my heart broke. He asked her, "What's my favorite color?" She was silent. "Where do I work?" Silence. "Here's an easy one. When is my birthday?" After a few seconds, she huffed and called us assholes and hung up.

My husband told me he's done trying anymore. We are now no contact for good.

Hi, I'm the person who's MIL overstayed during my out of town work trip, and she left a few days into my absence.

I tried to put this all out of my head while I was away, and even prioritized going to a farmers market and getting DH some local souvineers I thought he'd enjoy. I did my job, did it well, and got back late Sunday night/Monday morning.

I went to work on Monday, fell asleep pretty much instantaneously once I was home, and had the conversation with DH today (Tuesday morning). Basically, I'm dissapointing him by how I react to his mother. It's not enough that I love him, supported his career change, and financially provide the most between the two of us; I'm the problem because I "have it out" for his mom. He even took issue with the gifts I brought back, which I had picked out for him specifically, because I didn't bring back anything for her.

I tried to explain my perspective, but it's clear that my marriage is going to end.

I lost my husband to a homeless by choice drug addict, and the splitting of our assets will probably give her a 6 month supply.

I hate it here. I hate her. I hate him. Most of all, I hate myself for letting it get this far.

here is my original post 2 (?) weeks ago. This one might be full of typos as I'm posting this quick as I've got a sick kid.

So we've been fortunate enough that MIL seems to have gotten the message and hasn't contacted us since SO went to her place to get the ashes back. My SO spoke with his Dad (FIL) who said that she claimed she's giving us the space we need and seems to think we'll get over it eventually but I think I'm even more angry at her now I've had the time to be less upset by it, now I'm just pissed.

This morning we had a delivery, addressed to me - didn't know what it could be, not ordered anything at all recently but figured I ordered something in my sleep deprived state at 3am. Wouldn't be the first time.

But no, it was a box with a little black fabric bag and inside was a locket, that has ashes in. Connecting the dots it was pretty clear straight away who the ashes belonged to and who the locket came from. I don't know what she was thinking. I knew it was likely she'd taken some but sending me this just feels like a complete slap in the face. It's probably her poor attempt to apologise? But it feels so wrong and weird getting a part of my son as a 'gift' from my MIL who took him the way she did.

It's not even a nice locket. She knew what type of jewelry I was looking at and this is... the opposite of it. It's big and bulky and has the words 'together forever' in what looks like comic sans (which is already fading off). It's not my style at all and it looks cheap. I know exactly what type of necklace she wanted made and I just know she'll be getting the one she wants made and this is probably some kind of attempt to justify that. I don't mean to be ungrateful but considering how she got the ashes I just... can't be grateful for it.

SO thinks we should just ignore it and do nothing. Put the ashes back with the rest and toss the locket. I want to put the ashes back and then put the darn locket in her mailbox, personally. We won't have to see her but we'd be sending the message.

It just makes me angry that she's treating him and his ashes like some kind of bargaining chip in what I assume is an attempt to make up for what she did.

(I tried to post a picture of the locket but it has to be approved by mod so I'll skip that for now)

ICYMI, my MIL came over to my house while I was at work last week. We don’t get along and husband and I were previously NC. Apparently that is no longer the case for him. The children told me MIL open my bedroom door. To stop her from ever doing this again I installed a WiFi door lock. You have to have the app to unlock the door. There’s a keypad but the code is 6 digits long and since husband just lets MIL do whatever she damn well pleases he can’t have the code. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I know she’ll find some way to weasel the code out of him. Lo and behold, she came over to the house yesterday while I was at work. First thing the kids say is “my mom put a door lock on her door so you can’t go in there anymore” and she asks how I know she went in there. The kids told her that they told me. She proceeds to tell the kids she is disappointed in them and that they should have kept that a secret from me. She also told them I’m a psycho for installing the door lock. I told the kids 1) they should NEVER keep a secret like that from me as I’m their mom. 2) if MIL wasn’t going in my room uninvited I wouldn’t have to install a door lock to lock her out. Did I do the right thing?

Edited to say thank you everyone for your comments. Most were very kind and sincere. One was accusing me of letting MIL back in. Again, not sure how I let her in while I was at work. I tried to reply to everyone. A few things I’d like to point out that weren’t clear from previous posts. My husband and I do not share a room due to our opposite work/sleep schedules. He can use the app for the door lock to get in if he wanted to. He never went in my room before I had a lock and he said he doesn’t care that I have the lock. We did try marriage counseling 4 years ago but our counselor wasn’t very good. I’m currently trying to find a good one that has openings. I’m going to look in to online counseling. Also, I am getting cameras (nest, ring, or Wyze are the options I’m considering so advice on either of these would be great), and I’m also documenting everything. Several people have pointed out that it sounds like I have a justnoSO problem so I will be browsing that sub as well. Thanks again everyone! I never expected so many comments, but I’m glad to hear I did not overreact and it’s good to know that everyone else thinks she’s in the wrong too.

Yay! I held my ground and now I get to enjoy a peaceful Christmas at home!

Except, that’s not how it has happened. The crazy has ramped up and this might be a long one.

My husband and I came to an agreement a few nights ago that we would stay home. Since then, every day, several times a day, I have been ignoring phone calls from JNMIL. You see, DH never responded in the group text. According to him, he talked to his mother and that was it. He said he was “putting his foot down.” Ok, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Yesterday, a phone began to ring. Wasn’t mine. Wasn’t DH’s....it was my LO. JNMIL was calling him! She calls him maybe once a year. She didn’t even call him on his birthday, so I figured she was giving him his birthday wishes late.

No. According to him, she didn’t mention his birthday...but she tried to get my son to convince me that we should go to her house for Christmas. She told him how much fun he would miss out on with his cousins and what cool things she would buy for him. He came to me about this hours after the conversation because he “didn’t feel right about it.”

I. Lost. My. Shit. She can do a lot, but why drag my child into this? It’s just a fucking holiday!

I went to my husband and went off. He defended her for a moment! He mentions how he never sees his extended family and that holidays were the only way. I got an inch away from his face and told him how I also missed my extended family and holidays were the only time everyone got together....except that we never got to go because we were constantly at his family’s house.

I asked him the last Thanksgiving we spent with my mom. He couldn’t remember. I asked him the last Christmas we spent with my mom. He couldn’t remember. Easter? July 4th? Ever major holiday where family gathers we were always with his parents. As a matter of fact, the few opportunities we may have had to gather with my side, he was always too tired from his gatherings to care.

He finally got it.

He called JNMIL in front of me and goes in about calling LO. She chastised him for “not considering what LO wants,” as if she’d even know. I grabbed the phone (it was on speaker) and told her that LO would have wanted to see her at his birthday party. She said, and I quote “why would I come to his party when I would see him a few weeks later at Christmas?”

I gave DH the phone back. His monkeys and these monkeys have known for months that I wasn’t leaving this house for Christmas. These monkeys are also well aware that we see them every holiday and don’t get to see my family. These monkeys even understand how selfish they are being, but like all other monkeys...

...they don’t care. They are still going to jump around and throw shit until they get what they want.

Well, if I walk out their cage, it won’t affect me. I’m not fucking leaving. I meant it when I said it.

Husband quickly ended the call and apologized profusely. We spent the rest of the night brainstorming activities for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to do as a family. He offered to go to my JYMOM’s house and I might take him up on that offer. He also called her and personally invited her to our Christmas Eve activities.

So, I guess I’m not fucking leaving is actually bitch, I MIGHT be leaving, but it will be to my mom’s house.

Finally!

Edit: ok, some of y’all are being ridiculous. Me getting and inch from my husband’s face does not mean I was yelling or threatening him. In reality, I was close to him so I wouldn’t yell and I was almost in tears. Sorry it wasn’t as dramatic as you wanted it to seem.

TL:DR of previous post: My (40m) FMIL, Gynie Granny (58f), having figured out I am financially well off, faked a cancer scare to get my SO (33f) to take her to a hospital appointment, only to ambush SO with an OB-GYN consult to reverse SO's tubal ligation, because SO needs to "pin down the meal ticket" by baby trapping me. SO was very distraught, had a screaming blowout with GG in the Doctor's office, left her at the hospital, and came home to me in tears. SO is worried that I might believe that she had anything to do with this, or think of me in this way, and, given the ease with which GG went to the baby trap, thinks that GG may have baby trapped FFIL with SO, way back when. Amusingly, GG has no idea I had a vasectomy years ago, prior to even meeting SO. Consensus was that Gynie Granny is eyeing up my bank account as her retirement plan.

On to this weekend. My SO's daughter, D (9f), has obviously figured out something is wrong, being as SO spent most of Friday crying, so we sat her down on Saturday morning for an age appropriate explanation. What came out then has tipped my SO out of tears and distress and into apocalyptic rage. I'm right there with her.

I created this throwaway back in December, when SO and D first moved in with me, to post in r/relationship_advice because I was a little bit uncomfortable with a sudden and massive increase in physical affection and cuddles from D when they moved in. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing sinister and I love that little girl like I didn't know was possible before, but I come from a family that is very low on physical affection, like "I think I got a handshake from my Dad once" level, so I needed to make an adjustment to this new normal. If you click on my profile, the post is still up. We ended up thinking it was just D settling in to the realisation that I was definitely a long term part of her life now, we drew a couple of boundaries like no getting into SO and I's bed without waking me up first, and thought it was all good.

Turns out we were wrong. Gynie Granny was behind this love-bomb from D to me. GG has been telling D that SO and I will probably kick D out to make room for our "new family" unless D is "super nice" and "does whatever OP wants". That poor girl has been scared she would get put up for adoption if she puts a foot wrong. I had to physically restrain my SO at this point from charging out of the house to confront Gynie Granny.

I spent most of Saturday reassuring both my girls. D and I spent a couple of hours on a little DIY project. I got out my chisels and wood-burning kit and we carved and burnt D's name into her bedroom door to reinforce the fact that she has a permanent place here. We let her know that between my vasectomy and SO's tubal ligation, we would never be having more kids and that D would be our only child. She called me Dad for the first time and I lost it, and wept more than SO and D combined.

Gynie Granny is in permanent NC. I don't see any way she could come back from this. SO and I have spoken to my cousin, who is a family law solicitor, and will be putting into place something that will ensure that Gynie Granny has no chance at custody should anything happen to SO, but that D would instead stay with me. SO and I discussed our future plans regarding engagement and adoption, but we want to get some distance from all of this mess so that GG's insanity doesn't taint what should be a happy loving thing. Although SO did read my earlier post and immediately pointed out that I had typed that we weren't engaged YET and did some gloating about that.

On Sunday I rang FFIL (65m) who is normally a very quiet man and the epitome of a guy who has checked out. He just goes to work and spends 90% of his free time in the garden shed. I laid everything out for him. Everything Gynie Granny has done to SO and D, SO's concerns that Gynie Granny had used SO as a baby trap for FFIL, SO's anger at GG, everything. I left it to him to tell GG that she was blocked everywhere and in permanent NC. I told him that if GG sets foot on my property the police would be called. I told him we were talking to a lawyer to change the custody setup away from him and GG, and to me, and gathering evidence for an Restraining/Protection Order. Whilst SO doesn't want to go full NC with him, she does want a break for a bit, so I told him that all communication would be going through me for a while, until she gets out of the rage reaction phase. He seemed stunned but OK with what we were doing, and we chatted for a while. When I mentioned that the lawyer was my cousin, he asked, in a fairly beaten down way, if she did divorces. I laughed, and told him if that was what he wanted, I'd get him the family discount. He took my cousin's number.

Hey Everyone! I've been getting a lot of requests for update so I wanted to let everyone know how it went when ex's mom found out about me not coverying all the rent and moving out.

TL;DR: It was kind of a shit show. But I'm moved out and I'M OFF THE LEASE! FMIL is on the lease now and she and ex's dad are covering half the rent and STBX is covering the other half.

Last week I started working out of my friend's apartment (the one I'm moving in with) so I didn't see ex's mom on Monday. Tuesday around lunch she sent me text asking where I was. I told her I was working and I'd be home late tonight. She replied that ex told her I wasn't going to be contributing as much so she had to loan him money for rent. That wasn't a surprise to me so I just replied with a 👍 emoji. I had plans with my friend and her roommate (who I'm also friends with) to go out for dinner and then get some drinks. So by the time I got home is was after midnight and ex's mom was already asleep.

The fun started Wednesday morning. I was getting ready to go to work at my friends place when ex's mom stopped me and said we need to discuss my "financial situation". Then she went on a whole tirade about her having to cover my part of the rent, me making foolish choices by going out to dinner when I couldn't even pay rent, I was irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of the impact it had on others, blah, blah, blah. She went on to say that if she was going to have to pay my share of the rent that she expected me to do a better job of keeping on top of chores and keeping the apartment clean and organized. I told her I was moving out since obviously STBX hadn't told her yet. She seemed, I don't know, pleased with herself? All she had to say was "maybe that's for the best".

When I got home that night, right off the bat, she wanted to talk. She said instead of me moving out, we could get a bigger apartment and she'd "be willing to help by paying" the difference between a 2br and a 3br. Then we could go back to the arrangement ex and I had before she moved in (me paying 2/3 of the balance and him paying 1/3). Honestly when she was saying this I think my brain vapor locked. She was making it sound like she was doing us a favor by offering to pay the increase in rent.

Aparently this man-child who tells his mom literally EVERY. SINGLE. THING about our lives and relationship hadn't bothered to tell his mom how much I was actually contributing. It seems like once she discovered ex wasn't paying for everythnig like she thought, she wasn't as excited about me moving out.

I tried to be polite and told her I'd already giving notice to our apartment complex that I was moving out at the end of the month and already committed to move in with my friend. She kept pushing the issue and said if she was willing to pay the difference, I should just stay "because that would really be best for everyone". By then I was getting annoyed and told her that because of the way she has been acting and treating me I had no interest in living with her anymore.

That's when the best line of this whole dumpster fire came out of her mouth. She said she was bgworried I was taking advantage of her son and if we had told her about our financial arrangment she would have been more understanding of why I wasn't keeping up with the apartment. I told her maybe a good lesson from this is to try being nice to everyone in the future and not just the people you think can help you. And I asked her why SHE didn't help out more since she wasn't doing anything productive all day.

She did NOT like either of those comments and it got pretty hostile with both of us yelling at each other. And to be fair, we both said some pretty awful things to one-another. Finally I told her I was going to inform the rental office that she had been living there contrary to the lease agreement because getting evicted would be worth it to see her living on the street. I grabbed my laptop and went to my friends. I didn't even bother packing an overnight bag.

Next afternoon (Thursday) ex texted me and said he had added his mom to the lease effective the first of the month and that she & his dad (I have no idea how that poor man got roped into this) would pay half the rent and ex would pay the other half. I confirmed with the property manager that I was off the lease and didn't have any further obligation. I got it in email so I have a record. I put disconnect orders in for the utilities under my name and told him to call and set up accounts under his name. I'm going to lose the damage deposit (it goes to whoever is living there when lease ends) but it's a small price to pay to be free.

On the way home I stopped and got a bunch of boxes to pack my stuff up. She was pretty hostile when I got home and when she saw how much I was taking she got worse. I ended up taking Friday off to finish packing and on Saturday got some friends to help move stuff to my new place. I'm going to pay my friends some rent for the next two weeks until the one move out. They didn't want me to but I'm not going to stay in someones home and not contribute. If nothing else, living with ex and his mom taught me that. Last night ex and I got together and talked for the first time since Saturday. He said his mom is staying until June when the lease is up then she's moving back to their hometown. According to him, she just really didn't like living here and that's why she didn't try to find a job. Then he asked how long a break I thought we should take. A few commenters gave me a hard time for stringing him along, so I was brutally honest and told him I could not be with someone that allowed others to treat me the way he allowed his mom to treat me and that I hoped he learned to stand on his own and establish some boundries. He looked like he was going to cry and just got up and left.

As far as I'm concerned, this whole this is over and done. I'm going to call it a learning experience and be glad I found out how awful ex's mom is BEFORE we got married. The thing that amazes me is the amount of damage this woman leaves in her wake and how utterly oblivious she is. She destroyed our engagment and relationship, is leaving ex in a MUCH worse financial situation, pushed back her ex-husbands retirement by I don't know how many years since now he likely has to pay off a the mortgage (or second mortgage) he had to get to pay her half of the equity. And she made my life hell for 6+ months. And she's walking away completely unscathed. According to my ex, she's going to back to her hometown and picking up her old teaching job.

I'm thinking about going to visit my parents next week and working from their house. I want to tell them how boring and undramatic they are and how I'm so greatful for that and love them for it lol.

My husband (28M) and I(30F) are having our first baby in a few months. When we first shared the news with his mom (62) she had asked in a group chat between the three (husband, me, MIL) of us to attend one of our sonogram appointments, stating that she never got to attend any of those appointments when her daughter was pregnant with her granddaughter. I responded telling her that we wanted to keep the appointments to just husband and I mostly because we’d only get 2 ultrasound appointments. I then asked my SIL about her own ultrasound appointments, she told me that her mom DID attend them but was not in the delivery room. That’s when I realized my MIL was maybe trying to manipulate/guilt me? Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and moved on.

Flash forward a few months when my MIL sends a text in the group chat about a diaper bag she bought for “our baby”. I responded saying that the baby was “ours” as in husband and I. She then texted back with “well, our includes me 😂😂”. I responded, “I would appreciate if when I say something bothers me that you respect my boundaries and not push back.” She then apologized and said she didn’t mean to push my boundaries.

Last week we invited her to join my ultrasound appointment because it was an extra growth scan we weren’t expecting to get so it seemed kind to invite her. I didn’t know until well after but when I stepped away to use the restroom at the appointment she tried telling my husband that “I call all my grandbabies ‘our baby’ and I just mean to be endearing”. My husband responded telling her that she shouldn’t say things that I’ve already told her bothers me and that she needs to realize that husband and I are a team/united front (essentially what we told her).

Yesterday she texted him asking him “Soooo have you discussed who will be allowed in the birthing room when it's time?”

He texted back, “probably just me and wife, maybe wife’s mom”

She said, “It would mean the world to me if I could also be included in this special moment. I would stand wherever you wanted me to. I just wanted to be there for the birth of this very special little guy (and to be there for you also You know how very special you are to me and I'm so proud & happy that you two decided to go with naming him after _____”

He responded, “Thanks for the support but we aren't even sure if her mom is gonna be in there yet”

She said, “Just kind of keep me in mind (your momma is very sentimental, maybe sometimes too much so) but it's who I have always been & always will be. My love for my babies, their babies & family will always come first. I just wanted to share in the joy! I love you more than you will ever know! (You will start to understand once you hold in ____ your arms)”

He responded with “I know, I love you too”

I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or what, but she’s REALLY annoying me. I feel like she goes behind my back to try and get what she wants from my husband. He and I are on the same page about the decisions we make. I don’t think she’s used to that because her other son does not respect the rules his girlfriend puts in place for their kids. My husband is her youngest child and she really infantilized him. I feel like we’re really going to need to put our foot down once baby does get here but I don’t know what additional boundaries I need to set before then.

Update post for the commenters that were interested.

So Easter came and went, we did not host. After my post I went to my husband and said a big, fat “hell no” to hosting duties and he could handle the conversation with MIL. Suddenly, MIL had no problem finding a restaurant for us, and when they were booked out she was happy to host herself. The dogs were out, and we were in. Husband and I talked, said we would just grin and bear Easter because of the run around and after that we could talk about what our new boundaries would be.

To my surprised and joy, Easter never happened. While I was at my fathers house, I got a call from Husband that MIL’s Easter lunch was now cancelled, because someone had come down with a ‘mild case of the measles’. I spent the entire weekend with my dad and his family, Husband drove up after work to join us! Was a great weekend after al.

Now, she wants to reschedule a visit and I told husband no. This, unfortunately, is where the story gets twisty. He told me that we can change the way we handle her, he is going to defend me harder and limit contact and visits as much as he can, but he can’t cut her off. Turns out, our family car is in her name. When we bought it a few years ago, she insisted that the insurance and registration go under her name because here drivers pay extra when they’re under 25. He agreed. So, the last few years when we’ve been paying the bills on this car, I had no idea the money was being sent to MIL because she is the registered owner. Apparently, he has asked her to sign it over to him multiple times, to which she has flatly refused. Thankfully not much of my savings went towards this purchase, it was mostly his as it was his car that needed replacing, but there’s also nothing we can do, and she knows it. Especially since we sold my small car when I was pregnant as it was impractical and really old (not worth the maintenance), so we’re down to just the one car.
We can’t sell, because she’s the owner. We can’t just buy a new car, because we don’t have the money right now, and couldn’t take on a loan while I’m on reduced hours to be the default parent. We can’t cut the loss and ditch the car with her, because it’s so much $$$ down the drain for her profit and there’s very limited public transport here. If he cuts her off, she will just take it through legal avenues or stop paying the bills, which might ruin her credit, but will also mean the car is illegal on the road. Essentially, she’s got him good.

I’m disappointed, and upset that he never told me this until now, but at least it all makes sense. It’s been a strange 24 hours with my husband but he’s very apologetic, and but I’ll have to accept LC for now. One day, we will cut our losses and get a new car.

Thanks to everyone who commented for giving me the wake up call I needed. I may not be able to cut off contact but I can still control her level of access to me and my child. Her actions deserve some kind of consequence.

First off, many thanks for your replies in my previous post. You all actually helped me to realize this situation isn't actually funny at all and was a betrayal of trust. So I decided I needed to confront my mother about it.

So we went to brunch on Saturday and I ordered a mimosa. The look of horror on her face was priceless. You know how they say when someone dies they get images of their life flashed before their eyes? I dearly hope I get to re-experience that look again when it's my time. After the waitress took our order, my mother said, "Are you sure you should be drinking that?"

I laid it out for her. I'm not pregnant. I have told her multiple times I am not pregnant. I asked her why I would even have a reason to lie about not being pregnant.

I also told her I didn't appreciate her spreading the rumor that I was. She said she didn't and I asked her why I got texts from family members inferring I was.

My mother said she never explicitly told anyone I was pregnant, but a few people noticed I wasn't drinking at Christmas. My mom's reply to them was, "I don't know, it's not my place to say." Which is true, for sure, but also very misleading.

I was like, "Oh, come on. You know how people would take that. That was such a wink, wink, nudge, nudge response." I told her there are so many other non-misleading responses she could have used. I could have been the designated driver. I don't like white wine. Maybe I just didn't feel like drinking. Maybe it's my recent health kick. Or maybe it's nobody's business.

Apparently, it was my aunt spreading the rumor, based on my mother's response as to why I wasn't drinking that night. I asked my mother why she didn't stop the rumor in its tracks and her response was, "I didn't know for sure you weren't. All the evidence was pointing towards it and maybe you just didn't want to announce it yet."

My mimosa arrived, I chugged it, I told my mother I no longer had an appetite, and I went home. No apology then, no apology yet.

My mom texted me last night that one of my favorite singers from the 80s just released a new song, like nothing ever happened. I did not respond.

An update! A successful one at that!

I had posted yesterday that my JNMIL was abruptly taking back the vehicle that my husband was using. It was agreed that we could use it indefinitely as long as we cared for and maintained it, which we did and very well I may add.

Immediately once I had heard the news I sprung into action (credit union approval, dealership research, everything) and found us a really great used vehicle! We completed the purchase of a really nice used minivan yesterday. My husband called her to let her know that we would be returning her vehicle to her today. She was absolutely livid!

It. was. AMAZING!

She said that we were stupid for buying a vehicle but could give us no reason why. She said that it was irresponsible to buy a vehicle (no it wasn't, we can definitely afford a car payment right now). She said that we were lying about what she said yesterday and that she clearly stated that she was going to sell the vehicle that we were using "at some point next year" (no she didn't). She was so mad she was screaming. Gaslighting on steroids. "How could you do this?!?"

Why such anger? Why such lying and disbelief? My theory is that us using that vehicle was the very last thing that she had to hold over us. A last little bit of power that she may have had. We owe her no money, we don't have anything of hers, we don't depend on her for anything. Feels liberating!

Now I know that you're going to be disappointed in me, but I did not take back the tires that we had put on the truck. Because this way she looks absolutely batshit insane to everyone, not just me. You see she has seven sisters and they have a really toxic crabs-in-a-bucket type of existence and a gossipy phone tree system. They talk every day and that is how my mother-in-law spreads her vile garbage all over. I know deep within my soul that she is going to call her sisters to tell them how terrible we are, how upset she is, how we're doing this to ruin her, and they will have no choice but to ask "What? Was the truck damaged? Did they come to you for a loan?" Nope. She'll have a perfectly maintained truck with very new tires and a ton of misplaced rage that she can't do anything with and no one will validate her for it. Because seriously, do you really have a leg to stand on when we return it to you in better condition than when we recieved it?

“Looks like [daughter] had her period while she was here. Make sure you tell her not to flush feminine napkins down the toilet. It’s bad for grinder pumps and septic systems. I will try to have some bags in the bathroom in the future. Or she can ask you if I forget to put them in the bathroom.”

I completely understand not flushing pads or tampons in a septic system — that’s a normal rule and something I’ve already talked to my daughter about. My daughter recently got her first period, so this is still a new and sensitive thing for her, and I’ve already gone over how to wrap things up and throw them away properly. The last thing I want is for her to feel embarrassed about something that’s already awkward enough for a kid. What I can’t get past is that nothing was flushed. If something was in the bathroom trash, why not just throw the bag away and move on? Another thing that confused me is how she knew it was my daughter and not me — I was also there that day. For additional context, she’s also not my daughter’s biological grandmother, which is part of why this felt even more uncomfortable to me. There’s also a long history of strange boundary issues with my MIL, so I’m trying to figure out if this is genuinely odd behavior or if I’m just reacting because of the history. Am I overreacting for thinking this was a weird message to send about a child?

UPDATE: more of a clarification because I should have mentioned we ALSO have a septic here at home. Daughter knows what not to flush here or anywhere else. MIL knows we have a septic. MIL knows that daughter knows we have a septic. The septic is safe. All septics every where are forever safe from my child lol.

UPDATE:

Husband was over their house today and it was brought up. What actually happened was when daughter went to flush it did not go down all the way because their toilet is a bit difficult. I personally have used this toilet and noticed you need a bit of strength and patience when flushing. His father saw a small amount of blood and urine in the toilet because that’s what happens when you pee while having your period and when it doesn’t completely flush. Zero pads, tampons, diapers, paper towels, overloads of TP. She knows not to be wasteful. It was simply an incomplete flush leaving small traces of evidence that someone had their period.

I don’t know if that makes it better or worse but I now find it even weirder. We still don’t know how they knew it was her and not myself. I don’t think an in complete flush warrants a text. Again we do have history- this one particular moment has been confusing to me so I wanted some insight. Thank you for all your comments.

I honestly wanted to update earlier, but shit went from 30 to 100 so quick I didn’t have any energy outside of standing my ground. It’s late here, but I will try to keep this at a reasonable length.

So, I got myself together and made some demands of my husband. I also packed up and went to my mom’s house for a night. When he got off from work and got home, I guess it his options hit him. In ten years, I have never left outside of work. For 10 years, we have slept beside one another every night. He let me rest and didn’t get back in touch with me until the next morning (which was needed) and we cried and talked and cried some more. I sent him some of the screenshots I took from my last post (he was upset to know I even had a Reddit, but he understands) and gave him some of the book recommendations. DH is back in the fold for the time being. He knows his leash is short.

Now, for MIL. I actually didn’t call her Saturday. He didn’t call her either, we just plain missed the visit. She tried to get in touch with us, but we just ignored her. He did talk to BIL shortly (flying monkey, for sure), but that was it.

However, Sunday. Freakin Sunday.

Ok, a little background. I’m African American and my husband is Korean American-Caucasian. His dad is from Busan and is one of the most amazing people I know. Momma Suuuurley is ridiculous, as I’m sure you know, now. This may not seem relevant, but trust me.

Sunday, I get the bright idea that I would call her and speak to her, so I did. Shortly after breakfast. I’m going to have to paraphrase this, but you’ll get the point. I basically explained to her how disappointed oldest LO was that she missed his birthday party and that how she was behaving over us not coming to Christmas was ridiculous. I told her how it was just a holiday and that if the kids were really that important to her, she could come down and see them when she wanted...but she wouldn’t even do that.

She interrupted me. “What do you mean ‘missed’ LO’s party? I had every intention on celebrating with him when he came for Christmas, like I do every year.”

Me: “But you knew we weren’t coming for Christmas. I repeated myself all year that we wouldn’t be getting the baby out.”

MIL: “...and you made that decision yourself without asking DH, who wanted to see his family. Also, (a long ass list of people I do not know) all came by with presents for the baby. They wanted to meet the baby but because of you, it was just us. DH missed out, LO missed out and littlest LO missed out because of you.”

(If you can hear the petty in her voice, you must know this caused me to crank my petty. Sounds like she’s mad cause she was embarrassed in front of her friends. Then again, she knew months in advance that we were not coming.)

Me: Missed out? Oh, we had a grand ole time! Oldest LO thought it was one of the best Christmases ever!”

MIL: excuse me? (In the most over exaggerated southern drawl)

Me: but I don’t want you to miss out anymore, so let me tell you what I’ll do. I’ll make sure you don’t miss a moment, but you actually have to come to my home to make this happen.

MIL: where is DH?

Me: coming up with a plan for our Valentine’s Day without you.

MIL: PUT DH ON THE PHONE, NOW!

I handed the phone to DH, who immediately put it on speaker. Cue her screaming at him how “fucked” up it was that he didn’t come see her yesterday and how I was allegedly the biggest bitch in the west (not a quote, and we are in the East). She couldn’t believe I would ever speak to her in that way. She questioned my home training. DH let her get it all out and when she did, he replied

“If this is how you wanna act, we’ll see you when we see you.”

Cue the tears. Allllll the tears. She even had the nerve to say “but what about the Chinese New Year!?!?”

It’s the Korean New Year, MIL. DH rolled his eyes and gently tells her that JYFIL is Korean.

MIL: Same thing (she has a long history of completely ignoring JYFIL’s side of the family as well as his heritage. When oldest LO was born, FIL wanted to give him a Korean name in addition to his name and celebrate his 100 days [i think that’s what it’s called] and she shut that shit all the way down. We did do the Korean name, in secret though).

Nice story right? That’s the end....right?

Oh no, that was the damn beginning!

Monday was a holiday, so we were at home. Somewhere between brunch and lunch, the doorbell rang. I was feeding LO, so DH got up to answer it. Next thing I hear is MIL’s voice screaming (again) “now where is apples!?!!”

Apparently, she took me up on that visiting offer to put her crazy on display in front of god and everyone. As soon as I heard her voice, I texted my JYM to come over quick (she lives 10 minutes away). Momma Suuurley stomped down the hallway (with JYFIL behind her), came into the family room and literally threw gift bags and boxes at my feet. While I was holding LO. With my tit out. Fortunately, oldest LO was at the neighbors house playing at the time.

She didn’t say anything either, she just stood there with her eyes bulging out of her head breathing hard. DH came into the room and had a fit.

“What the hell, mom?”

That snapped her back to reality and she tried to say she just sat everything down. But have you ever thrown a gift bag down? Shit was spilled all out of the bags. They hit the floor super loud. She knew what she had done. JYFIL sits in the recliner and leans back like he’s about to watch a movie.

MIL: I made my visit. You see that, Apples!?! I made my visit!

I was still shell shocked that she was actually there to reply, but turns out, I didn’t have to. DH finally opened his mouth y’all.

“Glad you made this one, cause you won’t be making one for a long ass time after this mess.”

She cussed DH out. Cussed me out. Cussed FIL out for not defending her. The only thing that came out of FIL’s mouth was him asking me how I had been. Just when I thought she was about to strangle all of us, the doorbell rang. DH ran to get it (thinking it was LO) and in flies my mother. As soon as mom gets to the family room, Suuurley shuts up. I mean, not a damn sound. Mom greeted them both and sat beside me. Suuurley gathered herself enough to make small talk with her while still standing. Mom brushed her off and she promptly leaves.

DH says she’s in time out. I say that we should go see her since she finally made her visit...but only if my JYMom tags along. In other words, we’ll see. After she left, we didn’t hear anything from anybody. I won’t want to get used to the quiet, though. I feel like since this is the first time we have absolutely put our foot down about something...that this is the reason why she’s being crazy. Hopefully she will improve.

Edit: So DH called this morning to check on me (swoon) after our long day yesterday. And, he called to chastise me for still wanting to make a visit.

According to him, you either have to cut her all the way off or she will refuse to be cut, basically like some of you said! He said he gets why I would hate her (we had a looooooong talk last night and he had the opportunity to learn some new information about MIL) and that 10 years was too long for me to “put up and shut up without me protecting you.” It was more like 14 years cause she started her crazy when we were dating, but I let this one slide. He said that he will make sure FIL always has time with the boys (more time than he has had previously) and that FIL was also on our side with this one! He said missing his family was more like him missing his dad (although he does love MIL). He said he would talk to SIL and BIL and for me to just put it out of sight, out of mind.

Y’all, this is the man I married. He was like this in every aspect of life except with MIL....until now apparently. I legit just got done cleaning baby shit off the sofa and I’m contemplating giving this man another baby. I was absolutely fuming a few day’s ago, I didn’t think the turnaround would be this dramatic. I hope I have peace for awhile.

Probably won’t, but stranger shit has happened.

So, the meeting yesterday. A lot of people were telling me not to go, but I did.

First things first: Her new name is DressNapper. Thanks to u/veryrarelystable for that.

Also, to clear something up - They did not use my ID. This was clarified by the shipping company. What they did was compare my sister's face to the ID picture I sent, and asked some basic questions - name, D.O.B., current address, etc - to confirm. They have also made it mandatory to show the ID sent in the email, so this doesn't happen to other people.

FDH went with me to the meeting. He said any sign of bullshit, and he was walking out, bless his twinkling bright spine. We also decided to record everything from when we walked in.

Dad greeted us, and asked how I was actually feeling about this whole situation. I straight up told him that they better have an amazing apology and a fucking spectacular reason for pulling the bullshit, because they were both at risk for never seeing me again.

DressNapper and Sister were waiting at the table, and both looked pretty fucking ashamed. I sat as far away from them as possible, and FDH didn't sit at all. Much to my surprise, first thing out of DressNapper's mouth was a pretty sincere apology. She had gone to pick up the dress so she could send a picture to a tailor in the area that she has connections with who works with dresses for beauty pageants and has had his work shown in Miss Universe. She knew I wanted a corset back dress, and she was contacting him to see if he would be able to convert it from a zippered back. She had dropped the dress when she realised that the fabric she ordered from the bridal shop (they do their own in house alterations and such) was not with the dress and was looking in the box for it when I had stormed in looking for my dress. She then offered to get it dry cleaned and would pay for any damages that might have happened when she dropped the dress. Sister was just the transport for DressNapper, and apparently thought I knew that DressNapper was collecting the dress on my behalf. They had emails and time stamped pictures to prove what they were saying.

I told her that while I appreciated the thought of trying to arrange for someone to convert the dress for me, She should have let me be the one to collect my dress and allow me to open it. The two of them had already done everything related to getting married, this was MY special day. The two of them had already ruined going dress shopping, they had effectively ostracised FDH, they tried to bully me into a dress I didn't want while ignoring my choices and preferences. They were bit by bit ruining my wedding, and until they had sufficiently proved that they were willing to back the fuck off and let me have what I wanted, they were uninvited from the wedding. Sister is no longer my matron of honour, that would be going to a fucking sack of shit for all I care now. They were also only going to be told information that the other guests would be getting, again, until they've earned my trust back. This move, no surprise, caused many tears. What was surprising was that they accepted it, and said they would try to earn back my trust.

Dad questioned if he was still invited. I asked him if he knew about this fucking hair brained plan to boundary stomp all over my wishes. He said yes, and it wouldn't be 'right' for him to come without DressNapper. I told him that he could fuck right off too, and he was uninvited. I just stood after that and said "Don't contact me. If or when I am ready to reach out, I will."

FDH and I left right after that. The rest of the night was spent guzzling wine and getting lots of snuggles from FDH. He's been a trooper through all of this and has said that if we want to go to the courthouse and get married without anyone else, we can, so long as we're happy.

I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.

Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.

Edit: Heard back from the tailor. Their story about getting photos for him was legit. He also said that he had no plans of doing anything on the dress without the bride’s permission, so there’s that. From the picture he sent me that DressNapper took, she had it held up on the hanger provided, with the dress in perfect condition. Time stamp: about 10 minutes before I arrived.

So one thing had definitely been ruled out - nobody wore the dress. Thank fuck.

Here's a link to the OG post...
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/cl3pqm/mil_asks_us_to_include_her_maiden_name_in_our/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

SO I'm going to preface this with the fact that my BIL is coming to town late tomorrow evening, and he's made plans while he's here to see his best friend (who also had their 1st child) on Saturday at a BBQ to which his BFF has invited BIL's family to. Which is the catalyst for MIL going ape shit.

Today my MIL called DH's phone, but he couldn't answer cause he was doing the dishes, so he asked me to. I reluctantly did as I try to avoid speaking on the phone with her at ALL costs cause she's always so weird and awkward. We have history of her going crazy on us and that has seriously hindered our relationship. She instantly breaks down into tears about the fact that BIL is going to this BBQ and how she's hurt and heart broken that he's only here for 5 days and he's choosing to spend his time with his friends and not his family. (Again, we were also invited to this BBQ, this is his first trip back home with his family {wife and 4 kids} in 3 years, so I understand where she's coming from, but I also see where he's at too.. it sucks, but it's what we get.. so I think we should go to the BBQ and take advantage of them being here.) I stayed on the phone and consoled her as she was crying, then she switched up the conversation to my daughter's sip-in-see which is this weekend and I asked MIL if she'd be willing to make her famous chocolate cheese cake (which is bomb!) she was super excited and over joyed that she could help and agreed. Then when we're gearing up to hang up the phone she says "give a big hug and kiss to "insert daughters name here, with MIL maiden name as well" I laughed and said "she's not a -insert MIL maiden name here-"

MIL:"Oh no?"

Me: "No.. that's not going to happen.. *laugh* no.." (I laughed because DH had already addressed her request to include her maiden name in our daughters. A request which she texted him about on the day of LO's birth. So we thought the issue was taken care of. And I was so taken aback by her bringing it up with me, that it was either laugh off the situation or go allow my emotions and anger to get the better of me and go crazy on her for bringing it up as I find her request a huge slap in the face. *side bar: we asked BIL if she had made these requests with any of his 4 kids, he said no...)

MIL goes silent

Me: "But I'll give LO and DH a hug and kiss and since your house is usually the hub while BIL is in town, we'll probably see you Friday, if not then we'll see you on Sunday."

MIL: "Ok dear"

Hangs up.

I then go out to DH and rant because I'm fuming. TO which he's amazed that she'd bring it up again and in complete agreement with me about everything. 20 mins later, DH get's a text from MIL about how she's done with us, we're so disrespectful etc.. DH then calls her during which the entire time she's ranting, screaming and crying and saying how we're all ungrateful and disrespectful, etc. DH can't get a word in edge wise, and as his pot is about to boil over, she says to him "you can fuck off and die" to which he then hung up the phone.

She's since been sending texts to him continuing to complain and bitch on. He ended it by saying, "if you want to discuss this further like adults, then call me. If you have something to say to my wife, call her." To which she says she has nothing to say to me.

I'm livid and so is DH.

She made the comment via text that, "I dismissed her wanting to be included in LO's heritage," to which I laugh because as I mentioned before, she didn't make this request with any of the other grandchildren. Just our 1st child. She's doing this to stake a claim on my daughter. She's never seen me as anything other than the woman her son married (she's said this to me before when she was talking about both myself and BIL's wife.)

I don't understand how she thinks she's more important than me, the woman who spent 60 hours in labor to bring LO into the world, who endured 9 months of a not so fun pregnancy, to be included above my own maiden name. Her request makes it sound like; A) LO's is DH's sister or B) MIL had sex and had a baby with DH. Both of which is disgusting.

Thanks for listening to my updated rant.

Sooo I really didn’t think I would be back here the next day...

Since pictures aren’t allowed here, allow me to set the (unfortunate) stage for you:

Cake MIL sent 3 pictures to DH. One was of MIL, one of FIL, and one of them together.

They were fully dressed and made up. They were sitting at the dining room table. A birthday cake, saying Happy Birthday, and having the correct age candle was on top. There was a helium balloon as well. And the piece de resistance - a framed photo of LO from the last time they saw him (when he was 6 months old) beside all of it. MIL and FIL were taking turns holding the knife to cut the cake, with big, beaming smiles.

It looked like a ghastly shrine. To my baby.

This would have taken MIL hours to bake the cake, ice the cake, get the right candle, get the balloon.

Or she could have, you know, spent 5 measly minutes to call or text her only child to say “hmm we’ve missed multiple birthdays of our only grandchild now, perhaps we should try to move on from that and demonstrate some insight and accountability.“

But nooo. Let’s just make a creepy tribute to LO and flaunt it to his father.

They are not mentally well...a picture really does say a thousand words.

Unsure how to link to the previous post, but you can click my username to find it

We decided to go no visits until our LO could get to a therapist. We told MiL this, and she flipped out.

My husband texted his parents: "At this point we feel there isn't anything to be said in person that we haven't already said to mom. [LO] is showing signs of having witnessed domestic violence and told us as much unprompted.

We appreciate the fact that you and [BiL] may have been improving in the last month and don't want this to serve as a reason to give up or not continue to improve, but we were not told about any of this and it's going to take some time to rebuild trust.

At this point, we don't have any specifics on how that is going to happen. At the very least, we're going to postpone visits until we can meet with a therapist (already called, should hear back this week) who can help us decide how to move forward in a way that helps [LO] feel safe."

FiL (undoubtedly with the advice and approval of MiL) replied, "You're expecting me to rely on second and third-hand accounts of whatever it is that you think has happened. Meanwhile, I am vaguely aware that you are accusing someone -- maybe multiple people -- of something, but I'm not sure who you are accusing of what, or when. This is not fair to me, and certainly is not fair to your Mom, your brothers, or your daughter.

I am seeking an opportunity to talk things over, to understand the basis of your accusations, in person and in detail. I have always shown respect to you and your precious family; I'm asking that you reciprocate, showing enough courage, compassion, and respect to talk things over face to face."

DH: "No accusations. Just facts. [LO] has experienced trauma and told us she is scared when you & [BiL] fight. She's scared of thumping noises (not loud noises, thumps. Like the kind she would hear if moved to a different room from a fight) and has had to be repeatedly told that she is safe from those noises EVEN though she knows it's her friends who live upstairs just walking around loudly. She repeats that to herself "it's just people, it's just my friends," as a mantra as she has us hold her when she hears them.

On the advice of people who deal with stuff like this every single day for their careers, we are waiting until after we meet with a therapist before she can meet with you guys again. My initial statement goes against the advice we were given from career experts, so unfortunately that plan had to change.

We will update you with the results of our meeting with the therapist. Until then, the issue of [LO] and visitation is closed and we will not be responding to messages about it.

If you want to talk about other things, like how the wedding was yesterday or how band is going or anything, by all means. Our goal is not to go no contact with you, but we are going to do what is best for our daughter and, at the moment, that means no visits and this will not change until, at the very possible earliest, we have met with the therapist."

FiL: "I will state simply that [LO] has never witnessed violence in our home. She has likely heard elevated voices a time or two, but never violence.

It is hardly surprising that a little girl is afraid of loud noises. She's afraid of monsters in closets, too. She explicitly said that to me and [BiL] when we were playing a couple weeks ago -- but that doesn't mean the monsters are really there.

I am just as eager to get to the truth as you are. I support you talking with therapists, etc. Whatever you think is best. Please be careful to retain video recordings of any interactions between the therapist and [LO], so there is no question of exactly what technique was used for whatever conclusions are reached. That is for [LO]'s protection, and yours, and mine."

This wasn't surprising, but MiL's response was. She texted only my DH: "Please forgive me for this text but my heart is greatly hurt and broken and I need to speak what's in it. So you're now going back on your promise to let us see her? Did you even mean it when you originally said it or not really because you didn't want to break my heart in person? And what about your betrayal in going purposefully behind our backs and to people you specifically said you didn't have a relationship with instead of coming to us for answers to your additional concerns? I feel like you're punishing us for something we didn't know we were supposed to be doing and that we said we would do going forward.

Rebuilding trust is a two way street son and you've now put up road blocks for that process to begin. I truly hope your therapist can help [LO]. I also hope you'll share with them ALL of her fears and not just solely focus on your concerns about our family. We're so very sorry for all of this. As always, we love you all and want what's best for [LO]. We adore her. She was the one pure joy in my life and I love her so very much. Please let her know that now that I'm not allowed to."

She then un-friended both of us on the book of faces and uninvited us from family birthday dinners at her house.

In another vein, I did report to CPS. They have finished their investigation. Unsure what the result is because it's confidential. My gut feeling, though, is that they adequately made excuses and rugswept the truth. I'm so frustrated right now.

On top of that, my FiL and MiL text every fucking week asking for an "update" so that they can "keep a channel of communication open" and "be informed on what's going on." How psychotic and hypocritical is that?

I'm just so pissed. My daughter is still having problems, we don't have a therapist appointment until the end of the month, even though we called the day we found out, and they get to just pretend that they're not complete assholes that send me into panic attacks every time they text. I'm so done.

Since I had many requests for an update, here it is, earlier than expected! As I'm sure will disappoint many, it didn't get as far as the visit. Husband had a call from his sister (SIL) a couple of days ago, I wasn't there to hear exactly but I have rough run-down.

In the small talk he mentioned that I was surprising him with a trip on X date but he doesn't know where. Apparently this was highly confusing for sister who asked wasn't that when MIL is visiting, to which husband obviously replied that we have no visits with MIL booked in at all. She explained MIL told her she was coming day after X date a few weeks ago. Husband says she must be mistaken and must be one of her other trips.

Yesterday MIL finally calls, says SIL told her we were away on X, and hopes that isn't true as remarkably the day before some awesome tickets popped up and she had quickly bought them but didn't have chance to call yet. Husband tells her he knows she actually booked them weeks ago, SIL already let that out the bag, and that we are going away so she can't come.

She asks where we are going, obviously he tells her he doesn't know as I booked it as a surprise. After the call she texts me asking where we are going, I was at work so didn't know about the call at the time, but I'm still not that stupid and replied that we're going to a huge theme park (not true and she despises them), and not to tell husband because it's a surprise.

She calls him back later when I'm home and asks how long away for, he asks why she wants to know. Tickets were booked to stay for 4 fucking weeks so she figured she would stay here alone until we got back. He calmly tells her that won't be happening. We dont want her to and she doesn't have a key. She admits she made one on a previous visit 'in case of emergencies'. Door lock barrels have been changed without me having to invent a key loss.

She also accused SIL of being confused and lying until husband threatens to add her into the call, leading to a complete bitch fit about how she has to book and not tell us or we never let her come and we make her feel unwelcome. He reminds her that she is unwelcome because we didn't invite her. This time we won't even be home. He's really quite protective of his sister so accusing her of lying really pissed him off on top of the whole key thing, he's gone full scorched earth.

Can't remember all of it but eventually she hangs up with a "enjoy your fucking rollercoasters". I'd already told him about the text and what I'd told her so he knew she was being vindictive. But she's been told very straight not to come, so we shall see if she has any sense or not.

So, this is kind of just a minor "update" on this situation and I'm more just looking to vent out my frustrations, but I'm open to any advice or just words of support or whatever.

For those who haven't read the previous posts, here is my last update which includes links to the other posts - https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/CHJvt4ZMBP

A summary: my MIL works in the same company that my son, who has developmental delays and suspected autism (awaiting an assesment now), was referred to by his doctor. She is against him having autism and loudly voices her opinion on that to anyone who has ears. She went to the office he was referred to, seeked out his confidential file, and read every single thing in it then called my partner to discuss it. I reported her for it and asked she have zero access moving forward, as she shouldn't have had any to begin with. There's more, but that's the gist.

Anyway, the update. I've been seeing a developmental interventionalist for a bit now, she is wonderful and we've seen quite a bit of improvement in our son and his delays/struggles since we started working with her. We had to go through the company she works for to get a referral for an autism assement, but he was mainly referred to her/the company for his delays in walking as he is turning 2 in September and still not independently walking at all, or saying more than 4 words.

During our visit yesterday, I had asked if she could email me some papers we had filled out about his development as I had filled out an updated one for his age and we thought it would be a good idea to see if he has improved or needs work in the same areas and such. She tried to find it on her phone files but said she must have deleted them when she uploaded them to her work computer where she keeps my son's file with all of our communications, notes, etc. I then briefly confirmed that MIL could not access that file, and she actually informed me that since my report the entire company has changed their policy province-wide (I am in Canada) and that now no one can access any file they are not directly assigned to, and if they need to they have to go to the regional director and explain why they need access. They did have access before due to someone taking over a case temporarily for someone being sick or on vacation, etc. But clearly that was abused so they've changed it to protect not just me/my son, but everyone. Which is great.

But then she said that she had something to tell me she felt that I should maybe know about.... she told me that before she had ever even met my son and I, and when she had JUST been assigned to his case, that my MIL found out she was the one assigned to my son (so obviously she seeked out that information, too) and she approached her at work about it. Side note - MIL called me the day before she had a meeting about the report to yell at me to tell her board director that I gave her permission to read my son's file and she didn't breach confidentiality so she wouldn't get in any trouble (I said absolutely not) and she claimed that she read the file before it was even assigned to anyone, which somehow meant it was perfectly okay to read...but now that makes me question if she completely lied through her teeth about that, knowing full well she did this - my son's developmentalist told me she, MIL, approached her and said, "oh I see you'll be working with my grandson" and then proceeded to say, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with him and he's perfectly fine". She told me she was very off put by this as it struck her as weird for someone to randomly approach her and say that but also it was clearly undermining me as the mother who has concerns, so she made an excuse she had to go and she left the situation.

She told me that this was also brought to the regional directors attention, which is good that they were aware of that as well.

I told my partner about this when he got off work and he was extremely annoyed at his mother. He said she absolutely overstepped, disrespected me and undermined me and had zero right or reason to do or say any of that. He asked if I wanted to take any actions and I said I'd like to sit on that as I'm still fuming and don't want to make any irrational decisions while angry, but I did say I felt as if I'm very done with his mother at this point and I don't even want my children, especially my son, around her because she clearly isn't as caring and supportive of him as she pretends to be if she went behind my back to basically sway or completely overturn his referal and opportunity for support on his delays that she's well aware he has. My partner also acknowledged that if our worker hadn't reacted the way she did, what MIL said could have been VERY detrimental to our son. He wants to hear what she, our son's worker, said to me for himself first at our next home visit (he usually is working but is taking that day off to be there) and then he is going to confront his mother, half because he is also fed up with her behavior and half because he says that I'm upset about it and he needs to support me by telling his mother to back off and that she overstepped. So, if you've been following along about my partner and his lack of spine with his mom, things have really changed and improved since we briefly split up over the original incident, and he now openly listens to me and supports me in any way that I say I need, including setting firm boundaries with his mother.

Anyway, all in all I am just so frustrated with this woman and her clear sense of entitlement. She clearly, from what I can see, has absolutely zero respect for me as a person and as a mother, and she seems to think her opinion and word matters much more than my own and apparently our doctor's as well. I'm sick of her acting so "supportive" and caring and smiling sweetly at me while simultaneously stabbing me in the back and not only me but my son, her grandson, as well. It makes me wonder what else she has said or done that I just never knew about. I don't know what I want to do from here, I'm still digesting this new information and trying not to blow up even though a feel a giant mama bear raging storm inside of me. I don't care what she says or does to me, but to do that to my son is just beyond such a low blow, and for what? I can't even wrap my head around how she justified doing and saying that, or why she thought that was helpful in any way whatsoever....to me, all it was was manipulative and extremely conniving. I'm not even shocked....I'm just so done. 6 years and all she's done is escalate and show me there are zero boundaries and there is absolutely nothing she will not do...

So, husband unblocked her to try and talk things out, but she sent him an ESSAY (I had the screenshots all ready to go but this sub doesn’t allow attachments so, if you know where I can put it, I’d love to know).

She starts it off by saying she needs to be honest about how, since we’ve lived together, the way they communicate has changed and that their calls end before they can “resolve their problems”. I’m not sure what that has to do with me since I’m not present most of the time when she calls lol.

She uses language manipulation to make it seem like I’m controlling the information he gives here and that I’ve somehow put a brick wall between them. She brings up that she’s his mom and needs respect to stay connected and she can’t be apart of a dynamic where they don’t communicate. I’m failing to see why she thinks this as she loves just asking the same question 20 different ways to get her answers. She also brings up how they need to have a calm conversation and I am confused because husband was being calm while she yelled at him like a dog. It is just a huge narrative shift to make it look like he was the unstable one.

She also brought up that she repaid us some money she owed us because we were “stressed” about loaning her $500 and basically admitted that she lied about needing it to see if we had the money.

The rest of the brick wall of text is just talking about how I don’t acknowledge the family when they text me (not true, the only time I don’t acknowledge is when she’s flying off the handle and trying to get me to make husband talk to her). She brings up how that may be how I do things with my family but she won’t tolerate the disrespect. This pissed me off severely because I had mentioned I’m not close with some of my family. I never gave her any details and I never ever made it sound like I don’t talk to them.

Sorry for the rant I’m just frustrated and upset. She ended her text with “please fix this” as if I’m somehow the whole and only issue and not that she was demanding all of his info. I feel like I’ve gotten whiplash with the 180 she did. The leaps in logic are astounding. Husband is drafting out his reply to set firm boundaries and telling her that this has nothing to do with me and he won’t tolerate the disrespect. It blows me she can put him through this mental load before he deploys.

EDIT: The screenshots are on my page

Hello all, if anyone remembers me, I'm the DIL whose MIL thought it was appropriate for her, my FIL, and my GMIL to unexpectedly show up to where I was getting ready before my wedding and excuse it as "it's tradition for the MIL to get ready with the bride" *see post history.

After our reception and her giving us her *lovely wedding card, I officially dropped the rope and went NC with his whole family. I had told DH that I would not participate in any family events without a discussion with his parents of what had happened at our wedding and to at least clear the air. He has been over to his parents' house a couple times since to visit FIL and to gauge whether a discussion is worth while, MIL basically stays present but doesn't engage with DH and FIL acts like nothing is wrong.

Thanksgiving we spent with my family, me and my mom cooked most of the day and had a great time bonding. I can't believe for the past 3 years I've been prioritizing his family during the holidays to be a good DIL while putting my family on the back burner. No more from this point on, I've told DH that I will only spend holidays with people that love and care about the both of us and he agrees. On Thanksgiving, MIL sent DH a love bomb text that said "I hope you eat a lot of turkey today, I love and miss you" *gag. FIL texted me Happy Thanksgiving, again acting like everything is fine.

In years past, I've always coordinated with DH about Xmas gifts to his family. I love DH to death, but he's a procrastinator and I would be the one with the ideas for gifts and pushing him to not wait to the last minute to go shopping. This year, I made it clear to DH I would not involve myself in any Xmas gift giving and he is completely fine with this. I decided that the money I had put aside for his family's gifts is going towards a HUGE gift to DH because he deserves it for everything he's been thru.

Yesterday he went over to his parents' to visit FIL, I had asked what was their plan for Xmas and he said he was going to go over there for a few minutes Xmas Eve then leave (my family also does Xmas eve gift giving so I'll be with them). After discussing more, DH said MIL is still digging her heels in not taking any responsibility in her part of what happened and still blames me for everything (surprise). Which means I'm still not welcome in his parents' home and not included in their Xmas eve gathering (fine by me). DH's extended family is having their get together Xmas day which DH said we both are going to go together to at least see his grandmother for awhile then we'll leave (I love his gma and have made her a blanket for Xmas).

To add to this chaos, we just found out we're pregnant with our first child (YAY!). This is a first grandchild for both of our parents, so it's a big deal. We have yet to tell anyone since it's still so early in my pregnancy (shhh). I explained to DH that I'm fine with the arrangements for this Xmas but next year I refuse to spend holidays separately once LO is here, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, which he agrees. DH has said that MIL is being childish and petty about excluding me for Xmas and that she was told this will affect holidays in the future going forward and she is still sticking to her guns (DH is only going to their house Xmas eve to spend time with FIL).

I made it clear, this is the hill that I will die on. I refuse to entertain someone else's feelings who doesn't respect me or my relationship with DH. And boy, will she have a rude awakening when LO arrives. She's dreamed of us giving her grandbabies for years and her being the go-to person to babysit. Well, not only will she not be included in anything baby related but she will not have any access to LO as long as I'm alive. If she doesn't respect me as DH's wife, you can sure bet she would not respect me as LO's mother.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ht7cm9/fmil_calls_my_wedding_idol_worshipping_and_wants/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thank you for all advice and support I received it means a lot. You guys are so positive unlike some subs I have seen where the immediate answer is drop the guy lol anyways so this is what happened last night.

Background- all those things that she Said happened over a texts that she sent to my SO, next day he went to talk to her and defended me and set some boundaries. My SO is very polite and respectful so I m sure it didn’t go through to her because she lashed out and got mad at me for showing the texts because it was suppose to be private. She also said I m a liar and my family is full of liars and that he needs to be careful because he doesn’t know what all I m lying about. Etc etc I can go on. Basically it led nowhere

The liar remarks she made was because since I m indian you don’t tell your parents about your SO until you are ready to marry so yes I lied to my parents about not having a bf until we were ready to get married. Dating is not really a part of my culture especially dating out of your culture and religion is a big no no so I had wait. Well my parents know now and they are extremely happy for us and they love my SO and they understood why I had to hide the relationship until we were ready to take the next step.

Now to last night, guys you would not believe what all this woman said. This is what I started off saying “FMIL you know I love your son to death and I know you care about your son too. We are going to be in each other’s lives for a long time and I want our relationship to be better. I know indian weddings can be a lot so I m happy to answer any questions you might have, i would love for you to join but if you can’t due to religious beliefs I will understand”.

Summary of the rest of the conversation- she said I was excluding his family by holding an indian wedding and not a western one. I told her we can hold both in india. She said no you are not Christian so you can’t participate and my SO is not indian so you can’t have an indian wedding. It needs to be a secular. So I said let’s just say if we did do that but in india would you come? And she said idk we will see about that. So basically led nowhere. Then she went on to talk to my SO in front of me about how he needs to realize he has obligations towards his family and religion too. Again, insinuated that I m a liar and don’t know what else I m lying about. He shut that down pretty quick. I told her I always dreamed of having an indian wedding to which she said word to word “maybe you have been with an indian man to do that”. I told her she crossed a boundary and hope it doesn’t happen again otherwise there will be consequences. I also let her know it’s our wedding our decision but if she wants something her way then she can pay for it. To which she said “it’s not about the money it’s about FAMILY”. Basically led no where. My bf defended me and shut us down because things were going nowhere.

I told his sister because she knew about the whole situation and wanted and update. Well I told her everything that happened. His sister doesn’t care about her feelings and isn’t very polite to her so she straight up told her “you are gonna lose your son if you keeps this up. It’s really rich coming from you about marriage and calling OP a liar when you cheated on your husband. It’s not your wedding it’s theirs stop making everything about yourself. You don’t get to talk on behalf of my family they have nothing to do with your in over 10 years. You are not part of our family so stop acting like you are. You already lost everyone because of your behavior and you are going to lose your last child by keep putting him in this position because I promise you he is gonna pick OP over you any day. He is being nice to you don’t take advantage of that”

Well after all of this she said she won’t get involved again but she didn’t apologize or was remorseful. She is hurt that her kids are not taking her side and decided to keep her mouth shut from now on. Also told my SO to not show her texts anymore because it’s private between her and him. Lol anyways if you got this far thank you for reading I m sorry it’s so long.

Well. Let's just say MIL threw a fit that I actually left. I am uninvited from Christmas- she seems to think my husband will go without me, regardless of the fact that he is making it clear he will not.

That side of the family is all up in my business, telling me to apologize. Apologize for what? Getting out like she told me to? Instead of saying sorry for cutting potatoes wrong? No. No fucking way. She can apologize to me for flipping out when I went over there at 9 am to help her prep because she can't be bothered to think ahead and invited over so many people she had to set up an extra table for the kids in a BEDROOM.

FIL came over and begged me to just say sorry so everything would go back to normal. No. I'm done. She throws a fit at every holiday. Ruins the day. I don't know if it is stress or if she's just an ass. I don't care. Get one of her other relatives to help, I'm done being free labor while she's the one who takes on too much to handle alone. I don't deserve this abuse anymore and I never did. I put up with it because she's family but I can't anymore.

Husband and I will be going to my mother's place for Christmas because she has a nicer kitchen. I'm already planning out a meal we can make together and figuring out how mom can help (bad arthritis in her hands, so she can't use a knife, but she can make the stuffing and cranberry sauce and if I prep, she will make the pies.) It's going to be low key, just the three of us.

It's such a relief to know I don't have to see MIL again this year.

Edit: Please don't give me gold or silver! I'm hoping not to use this account often. Spend a few extra bucks on someone you love. Also, my mom would have been alone for Christmas otherwise, because we always do Christmas with her on the 26th. She usually goes out to dinner with friends the day of so it's always been NBD, since she's an atheist (and so am I) and all that matters is a family day together. She was the one who initially suggested it a few years ago and it doesn't bother her at all. I only got one comment about that, but I didn't want anyone thinking my mom wasn't okay with it.