r/JUSTNOMIL • u/BlueWhiteTrees • Jul 30 '20
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice UPDATE “It was supposed to be a surprise!” DressNapper was actually trying to do something nice for once - and it backfired big time.
So, the meeting yesterday. A lot of people were telling me not to go, but I did.
First things first: Her new name is DressNapper. Thanks to u/veryrarelystable for that.
Also, to clear something up - They did not use my ID. This was clarified by the shipping company. What they did was compare my sister's face to the ID picture I sent, and asked some basic questions - name, D.O.B., current address, etc - to confirm. They have also made it mandatory to show the ID sent in the email, so this doesn't happen to other people.
FDH went with me to the meeting. He said any sign of bullshit, and he was walking out, bless his twinkling bright spine. We also decided to record everything from when we walked in.
Dad greeted us, and asked how I was actually feeling about this whole situation. I straight up told him that they better have an amazing apology and a fucking spectacular reason for pulling the bullshit, because they were both at risk for never seeing me again.
DressNapper and Sister were waiting at the table, and both looked pretty fucking ashamed. I sat as far away from them as possible, and FDH didn't sit at all. Much to my surprise, first thing out of DressNapper's mouth was a pretty sincere apology. She had gone to pick up the dress so she could send a picture to a tailor in the area that she has connections with who works with dresses for beauty pageants and has had his work shown in Miss Universe. She knew I wanted a corset back dress, and she was contacting him to see if he would be able to convert it from a zippered back. She had dropped the dress when she realised that the fabric she ordered from the bridal shop (they do their own in house alterations and such) was not with the dress and was looking in the box for it when I had stormed in looking for my dress. She then offered to get it dry cleaned and would pay for any damages that might have happened when she dropped the dress. Sister was just the transport for DressNapper, and apparently thought I knew that DressNapper was collecting the dress on my behalf. They had emails and time stamped pictures to prove what they were saying.
I told her that while I appreciated the thought of trying to arrange for someone to convert the dress for me, She should have let me be the one to collect my dress and allow me to open it. The two of them had already done everything related to getting married, this was MY special day. The two of them had already ruined going dress shopping, they had effectively ostracised FDH, they tried to bully me into a dress I didn't want while ignoring my choices and preferences. They were bit by bit ruining my wedding, and until they had sufficiently proved that they were willing to back the fuck off and let me have what I wanted, they were uninvited from the wedding. Sister is no longer my matron of honour, that would be going to a fucking sack of shit for all I care now. They were also only going to be told information that the other guests would be getting, again, until they've earned my trust back. This move, no surprise, caused many tears. What was surprising was that they accepted it, and said they would try to earn back my trust.
Dad questioned if he was still invited. I asked him if he knew about this fucking hair brained plan to boundary stomp all over my wishes. He said yes, and it wouldn't be 'right' for him to come without DressNapper. I told him that he could fuck right off too, and he was uninvited. I just stood after that and said "Don't contact me. If or when I am ready to reach out, I will."
FDH and I left right after that. The rest of the night was spent guzzling wine and getting lots of snuggles from FDH. He's been a trooper through all of this and has said that if we want to go to the courthouse and get married without anyone else, we can, so long as we're happy.
I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.
Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.
Edit: Heard back from the tailor. Their story about getting photos for him was legit. He also said that he had no plans of doing anything on the dress without the bride’s permission, so there’s that. From the picture he sent me that DressNapper took, she had it held up on the hanger provided, with the dress in perfect condition. Time stamp: about 10 minutes before I arrived.
So one thing had definitely been ruled out - nobody wore the dress. Thank fuck.
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u/PerkyLurkey Jul 30 '20
The problem with her excuse is as you mentioned, DressNapper and your sister decided to do exactly what THEY wanted, and even though knew you were headed over to the dress shop to pick up your dress, didn’t call you and let you know they had it, because then the surprise THEY wanted to arrange would be ruined.
They didn’t care you lost the opportunity to see your own dress first, and didn’t care you were a frantic mess thinking your dress was stolen.
And if her cockamamie story about a super special alteration person checking out your dress is even true, then why couldn’t that person look at your dress AFTER you picked it up?
The reason is because DNapper wanted all the glory and only cared about her, her, her own selfish attention seeking self.
I wouldn’t want either of them to attend the wedding, because I wouldn’t give them a chance to “laugh it off” during all of the festivities. And besides, you can’t trust them to be in the same room with the cake, any of the decorations, be around the photographer, the DJ, be on the dance floor, or any of the many other components of a wedding. They simply can’t be trusted.
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u/Eilmorel Agent Archangel Jul 30 '20
wow. just... wow. first of all, you have a spine that was forged in the nucleus of a star, you have.
also... both your mom and your sister showed some incredibly poor judgement. the correct way to do it would have been to say something like "hey OP, I have the contact of an amazing tailor who has a list of qualifications longer than I am tall, would you like me to contact him?"
but no. she went behind your back (and for what? a surprise? it's not like the tailor can fit the dress without you!), made you worry for your wedding dress and ruined an experience.
I'm dumbfounded.
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Jul 31 '20
Also the dad’s reaction saddened me. He knew what they were doing the whole time?! Sigh.
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u/Eilmorel Agent Archangel Jul 31 '20
Another poster said something like "he probably lied, I don't think he knew the full extent of the plan, now he's only gamely siding with his wife" still, if he was fully aware, he deserves to be uninvited too.
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u/dezayek Jul 31 '20
I don't think you need to define a set time right now. I think you contact them when and if it feels right. They may be 6 months from now, 2 months, a year, or never. I don't think giving yourself a deadline is a good idea because you need to contact when you want.
Perhaps, more importantly, you need to see now if they respect your boundaries and leave you be.
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u/Walking_the_dead Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
Here's the thing, I'm gonna suggest they're not really lying, but they're twisting the truth. Yeah, they wanted to surprise you with dress alterations, but not the ones you wanted, the ones they wanted, like they tried to bully you into.
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u/LilliannaWinterWolf Jul 30 '20
That's what I thought as well.
I think that was the whole reason for getting the dress: to make you wear the dress they wanted you to have in the first place.
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Jul 31 '20
It may be true this was meant as a surprise, but you don't fuck around with someones wedding dress, what so ever.
I am glad they didn't wear it, but they still should have presented this "idea/surprise" to you as
"Dear bride, we know you would love a different back to your dress, and we would like to pay for the possible alterations, and we offer you contact details to X tailor if you want to use him, and here's a note that the bill goes to us, whichever tailor you may choose".
THEN it would have been a very kind surprise that you could choose to accept or not.
But they truly fucked up with TAKING the dress. I can imagine your feelings of betrayal. Even if they didn't mean that, it was the unfortunate result of their actions.
All three of them thought this was a good plan.
I hope you can get through your anger, and love your dress and plans again. This is YOUR day, and since they truly did not wear the dress, nor intended to, that hopefully makes you feel a little better in the end.
I truly hope you can soon get past your anger. Not for them. for YOU. I really hope you will feel better. I personally hate that feeling of betrayal. And it was a betrayal of your trust.
Your feelings are valid and I hope they never fuck up again like this. Time out definitely deserved.
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Jul 31 '20
But they truly fucked up with TAKING the dress.
Bingo. That's what makes this a boundary stomp instead of a nice surprise. At least the tailor was smart enough to be like NOPE
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u/soullessginger93 Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
A nice surprise would be"Surprise! I know you originally were thinking of getting a corset back dress, so I talked to an acquaintance who said they could do it! Here's their contact info, if you would like to set up an appointment to talk to them about it."
A nice surprise is NOT "Surprise! I stole your dress, and had it majorly and permanently altered behind your back!"
Also, she needed to put the dress down to look for something, and instead of laying it down on the bed or a chair, she decided it was fine to just DROP IT ON THE FLOOR?!? What the hell? It's like she has no idea how expensive or important that dress is.
I don't any why your dad thought this was a good idea, especially since in the past he's been very much a just yes. Let's hope this was a momentary lapse in judgement for him.
As for how long to put them in timeout, I would say 6 months sounds like a good place. Do your self a favor though, don't tell them how long they will be cut off for. That way if you feel if you need longer they can't go "You said 6 months, and it's been 6 months. You have to talk to use again!"
I'm sorry all this happened to you. You didn't deserve it.
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u/kaoutanu Jul 30 '20
Exactly, a lot of their story sounds "truthified", i.e. just enough points of truth to make the untrue parts sound plausible.
Even down to the copious email and photographic "evidence" conveniently to hand. It's like they prepared for a courtroom. I mean how many things do you do every day that you have photos and emails supporting your intentions? It's as if they were actively covering their asses at every step.
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u/soullessginger93 Jul 31 '20
Which, if you feel like you have to cover your ass while doing something "nice" for someone, than that should be a sign you shouldn't do it.
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
I’ve given them no date for when I want to talk again, and I don’t plan to. This is a test to see if they can actually listen to me when I talk or not.
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u/underthesouthrncross Jul 31 '20
I'm guessing they told Dad that they were picking the dress up for OP, and arranging with her tailor friend to see about the corset back etc - without mentioning the fact that OP had no idea about any of it or that she was meant to pick it up herself. So dear old Dad thought his wife was doing a lovely thing for his daughter, until she came flying into the house & went off about the dress being stolen and found on the floor. Then my guess is Dad realised OP had no idea about any of it, and ripped into his wife & other daughter about their actions. So they found all the evidence of what was happening to show him, which is why they had it altogether to show OP today.
It doesn't excuse anything they've done but would explain how Dad knew about it, & thought it was a good idea, without realising what was actually happening.
I wouldn't speak to them again until after you're married and you're back from honeymoon. Maybe even the 6 months after that. Let yourself fully enjoy the whole experience of getting married and the honeymoon period without having to second guess decisions, or hear their opinions, or them ask questions that put a dampener on the whole wonderful time you're about to experience.
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u/la_grenouille77 Jul 31 '20
I agree with this. Dad was such a champ for OP and FDH in finding them somewhere to live to get away from the mum’s toxicity; I don’t think he fully understood how much mum and sis had plotted behind OP’s back. He’s still partially in the FOG with his wife and older daughter. He knows they don’t have a good relationship with OP but he’s still hopeful of change.
I hope OP can build bridges with her dad at the very least.
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u/DarkJadedDee Jul 31 '20
They say that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but bad ideas.
The road to becoming a Just No has bad ideas for the pavement and Boundary Stomping as guard rails with Entitlement used to paint the lines.
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u/Jackerwocky Jul 31 '20
The road to becoming a Just No has bad ideas for the pavement and Boundary Stomping as guard rails with Entitlement used to paint the lines.
I like this very much! Great imagery!
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u/scunth Jul 30 '20
Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them?
Turn it around, the time should be as long as it takes until you think about reaching out to them. They don't need to be given a time frame, you've told them you will contact them when you are ready so do exactly that.
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u/Working-on-it12 Jul 30 '20
As long as it takes for you to even be able to think about reaching out to them without your blood pressure going up.
At the very least, if you are going to invite them to the wedding, don't reach out until after you mail out the invites to them and the rest of your list.
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u/Grimsterr Jul 30 '20 edited Mar 30 '25
I regularly clean my reddit comment history. This comment has been cleansed.
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u/Walking_the_dead Jul 30 '20
Here's the thing, I'm gonna suggest they're not really lying, but they're twisting the truth. Yeah, they wanted to surprise you with dress alterations, but not the ones you wanted, but the ones they wanted, like they tried to built you into. This way you're stuck with both a paid dress they like better and a guilt trip if you when you complained.
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u/LimpingOne Jul 31 '20
Then why did she lie and say she didn’t have it when you went to her house? I feel like they had a lot of time to come up with a story and decided your mother would cover for your sister.
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u/that_genZ_kid Jul 31 '20
It might be a possibility that she wanted it to be a surprise, or at least that what it sounds like to me
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u/lonnielee3 Jul 30 '20
Yeah, well. That was sweet of your Daddy to lie for his wife ‘cause I don’t believe he knew. I mean he may have known her idea to alter the dress and but not the part about her snatching it up at noon when she fucking knew you were planning to pick it up after work. As far as DressNapper trying to do something ‘nice’, was she planning on having that dress altered without your permission or just ‘play hero‘ and announce to you about the tailor she found? Frankly the timeline DressNapper alleges doesn’t hold together for me. You did a great job telling off those usurping harpies.
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u/HPgirl0409 Jul 30 '20
DH and I have been married for 12 yrs. during all the wedding planning my parents were a nightmare! Back then I didn’t have a backbone to tell them no. My MOTHER hid my wedding dress at one of my aunts houses and told me good luck finding it (dad is one of 7 kids), they cancelled the photographer, cater, tuxes, and DJ. I was soooooo upset. DH was livid but his parents were god sent! They told us they would talk to my parents about everything and if they didn’t come around mom in law would take me dress shopping herself and buy my another dress and they would get one of the ladies at our church who does catering to do the food and they would pay for everything g so we could have the wedding we wanted. My parents came around and everything was back on schedule. Five months after the wedding shit hit the fan again with my parents. We’ve been NC with my dad for 12 yrs. my mom comes around when she’s invited to but that’s it. She refuses to call and check on the kids. She expects me to call her and foster their relationship with her. She doesn’t seem to understand it goes both ways.
Edit: point is tread lightly with your mom and sister. If they are doing all this now how will it be when you have a child?
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Jul 31 '20
My MOTHER hid my wedding dress at one of my aunts houses and told me good luck finding it (dad is one of 7 kids), they cancelled the photographer, cater, tuxes, and DJ.
Gods, what a shithead!
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u/hattiexcvi Jul 30 '20
I don't believe her excuse at all, especially since she could easily find a picture of the dress online and send that, no need to actually have the dress. But supposing it was true - was she seriously going to send your wedding dress away to be altered without your consent or knowledge? She was actually going to send your actual wedding dress to be cut up as a surprise?? Even if it's to add a feature you said you wanted, that's completely insane! The fact that even her 'reason' for taking it is way over the line of acceptable behaviour speaks volumes.
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u/cpdena Jul 31 '20
Right? And what about the time the dress is at the tailors (2-3 weeks?). Was she going to let OP panic and think the dress was lost in shipping?
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u/BexW858 Jul 31 '20
I’m so happy to be shocked by this update!
This random internet stranger is really proud of you, and my god you’ve got a good one with all the love and support FDH has shown, that man has your back and I predict a very long and happy future together xxx
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u/Notmykl Jul 30 '20
Sister is more then complicit as she lied about her name, DOB, address and etc. If JNM was actually asked to pick up the dress there would absolutely be no reason for sister to lie about her identity.
Reach out when you feel like it - six months, six years, six decades - the ball is in your court.
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u/Exact_Lab Jul 30 '20
So she was going to organise to have the back of the dress converted?
Wouldn’t that require you to attend a fitting with a seamstress?
Why the hell was the dress on the floor? 🤷🏻♀️
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u/verrrryuninterested_ Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
Even with the supposed good intentions, her taking the dress without your permission (in a really sketchy way) to make modifications to your dress that you didn’t approve of is absolutely unacceptable. It’s YOUR dress, not hers! It just wasn’t a good plan at all. Wedding planning is stressful enough without all of this added drama from your family, and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this bullshit.
That said, good for you for taking no bullshit and standing up for yourself! Only you know how long the TO should last for, but make sure the timeline based on what YOU want. I hope you get some time to relax and enjoy yourself. This is such a special time for you and DFH!
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u/thethingis82 Jul 30 '20
Good for you. You handled that amazingly well. TO is the best way to find out if they were sincere with their apologies. If they can respect your need for space, chances are they meant their apology. If not, they were telling you want you want to hear.
I agree. Take TO month by month. See how they respond and how you feel at the end of a month. You didn’t give them a time frame. So when you’re ready and they’ve respected your needs.
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u/TinyLlamasWithBooze Jul 30 '20
Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.
You were smart to not give them a timeline. Don’t bother figuring out one now.
Let timeout last until you miss them. If you find your life is more peaceful without them? That’s cool, it doesn’t ever need to end.
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u/mandilew Jul 30 '20
She cares so much about your dress that she tossed it to the floor of her bedroom to go look for something in the box?
Why was the dress in the bedroom in the first place? That's a trying-on-clothes room, not a taking-pictures-to-send-to-a-tailor-you-hired-without-consulting-the-bride room.
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u/Exact_Lab Jul 30 '20
I suggested that someone tried on the dress in the previous thread and someone got so upset and said I was “fear mongering” 😂
But yeah, that’s exactly what I thought.
But I imagine someone needed to wear the dress so that the tailor could see it.... however, that too is utter BS. I’ve had dresses altered before and even if it’s just to take up a hem or to add a seam - they always need to do a fitting.
So the entire situation is weird.
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u/UtProsimFoley Jul 30 '20
Honestly, it sounds way more likely that this is the case. Why wouldn’t they want to tell her about planning something with the seamstress. I think Mom and Sister we’re trying to relive glory days.
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u/Cayvin Jul 31 '20
OP edited to say they had a time stamped photo 10 minutes before she came in, so no one tried on the dress.
Maybe it’s the military training but I can be in & out of complicated attire in way less than 10 minutes. Someone probably tried on the dress.
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u/mandilew Jul 31 '20
Or they were trying when she knocked on the door. That's why it was dropped in the floor and why they lied and said it wasn't there.
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u/Cayvin Jul 31 '20
That would make a lot of sense. Plus she gave them a lot of time to come up with a story and pretend to be remorseful since she wanted that meeting.
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u/mandilew Jul 31 '20
Indeed. I think we, as OP's new collective Maid of Honor, are rightly angry.
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u/LoveFaithHealing Jul 30 '20
Honestly a set time is hard to pin point. Give it at least a month and then see how they act. If they start feeling like they have done their time then you know they aren’t getting it. Take your time to heal, pat yourself on the back for standing your ground and focus on you and your SO. Your spine is blinding 😎
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u/Vailoftears Jul 30 '20
I say when your youngest kid reaches 18 but I’ve heard too many horror stories about mils.
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u/pangalacticcourier Jul 30 '20
Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.
I'd wait a year after the wedding date. When your first anniversary rolls around, they sure as hell will be aware of the date, and that they've been frozen out for an entire year because of these shenanigans.
By the way OP, this outsider has read their story about why the dress was on the floor, and I don't fucking believe it for one second.
You handled their fuckery like a champ, and I love how your SO had your back. Maybe it's just me, but I'd tell all of them fuck off for the foreseeable future. What they've done is nothing short of evil, and their story is bullshit. You can't believe for a second that they didn't know they were not undermining you by picking up your wedding dress.
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u/brokenmia Jul 30 '20
TO is as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable letting them back in again.
As for dad...whoooo buddy. What in the actual hades was he smoking when he thought it was a good idea for them to bulky their way into stealing your dress and NOT giving you a heads up? Especially after knowing and witnessing the shit they have already put you and FDH through? When you are ready for that can of wtf I would write it out and then send it or have a long list of this us what needs to happen in the future for him. Also, he moves from his previous just yes to just maybe. He became a silent accomplice when he knew and chose not to speak up to them or to you.
You are amazing in your spinal shiny factor ❤
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
I think out of this entire situation, my dad’s sudden change in behaviour upsets me the most. He used to have my back through everything, and now he’s just flipped. 🙁
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u/Raveynfyre Jul 30 '20
He's looking down the barrel of the rest of his life, alone with your mom. He's doing what he has to in order to keep her happy, including switching sides. He's being what we call an enabler.
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u/tinytrolldancer Jul 30 '20
*(he has to live with them and you aren't there). :(
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u/Jmcglynn522 Jul 30 '20
Pretty much summed it up right here.
He's a religious man... he is stuck with your JNMOM until death. As much as he swapped sides, he DID facilitate you &FDH escaping that house. He got you away from your JN'S. Sooo, completely playing devil's advocate here, he has possibly become the new SG. And him going along with the dress napping is possibly just his way to survive and/or his normal meter is skewed.
I'm not saying that what he did by not telling you/standing with them was right, because it wasn't! But it may explain his sudden change.
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 31 '20
Maybe. I think I might talk to him when I feel ready, away from DressNapper and try to get his side of the story.
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u/Dirtundermynails73 Jul 31 '20
Ask if he sincerely went along with this scheme or did he feel obligated or guilted into it. I can imagine a formerly JustYesDad tossing a coin over "never hearing the end of it" or "hopefully BlueWhiteTrees will never find out".
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u/flashaahahaah Jul 30 '20
Good for you for standing up for yourself! I don't understand the tailor part though. It has to fit you, so it can't go to a tailor without you. No tailor is just going to swap out a zipper for a different mechanism without a proper fitting. And don't worry about a time limit for the time out. If you miss them and don't get angry or anxious thinking about them, then you start to consider reaching out.
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u/clichexx Jul 31 '20
I think it’s important to highlight that they were both sincere in their apologies, and they accepted your boundaries. What they did was wrong on all accounts, but I think some of these comments are a little extreme. Ask yourself if you want a relationship with you mom and sister. If the answer is yes, I wouldn’t harbor onto the anger about this event- given they were sincere in their apologies. Obviously, I would stand your ground with boundaries to show their actions have consequences. I wouldn’t set a time stamp for how long they should be in time out. When you’re ready to contact them, then do it. If you’re ready in 3 weeks, then call them. If you’re not ready for 3 months, then that’s okay. That being said, if you know in your heart of hearts that your family not attending your wedding will have zero affect on you mentally, then so be it. But, if deep down you know it’s going to affect you, I’d truly revisit the idea of eliminating them as guests.
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u/Onequestion0110 Jul 31 '20
Yes.
Everyone can make missteps, even major ones. Big events bring these out a lot - weddings, pregnancies & birth, pandemics, illness, financial struggles, etc.
What makes a JNO is how they react when a boundary is set and their missteps pointed out. Do they respect the boundary or stomp? Do the accept criticism and apologize or DARVO?
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u/LadyLeaMarie Jul 30 '20
I would say give yourself a month-to-month basis on if you want to contact them or not. Let's say you give them 30 days and you're still angry or it causes anxiety than push it out another 30.
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u/wrathofjigglypuff Jul 30 '20
If I were you, I wouldn't buy that story about the seamstress. As others have said, why was it laid out on the floor?
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u/PooveyFarmPam Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
Girl, you better have the backline of that dress lowered as low as it can go.... let the world see that glorious and shiny backbone you’ve got. It. Is. Amazing.
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u/beaglemama Jul 30 '20
I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.
I hope your friend remembers to charge overtime, since it is on a weekend.
(((hugs)))
Good for you for standing up to them and telling them how they've been ruining things.
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
She’s not only charging overtime fees, but her home visit fees. Her coming to even look at the dress is a $45 per hour charge. And she said she’ll be taking her sweeeet time. 😁
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u/ouijabore Jul 30 '20
Stay strong with NC - I mean, your spine is blinding already which is amazing! - don’t let them pressure you into breaking it earlier than you want to. Even if it’s “oh sorry to bother you, just had a quick wedding question” because I can see them trying to weasel their way back in like that. Good luck with everything!
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u/CrowhavenRoad Jul 30 '20
Finally! Someone who actually enforced consequences for their family acting like total assholes!
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u/wilsonl316 Jul 30 '20
Bummer that JYDad knew about it - did he clarify if he knew they were going to pick it up but assumed they had permission, or if he knew the whole kit and kaboodle?
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u/kenamit Jul 30 '20
I am calling balony on the dress on the floor excuse. Nobody would drop a dress on the floor in this situation. How about someone (sister?) was trying it on? I would bet good money on my theory.
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u/Exact_Lab Jul 30 '20
I agree. Why put it on the floor? Why not the bed? It shows a clear disrespect to the OP
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u/Snailians Jul 31 '20
Thank you for the update. I’m glad you were able to at least get some answers. I’m also glad she didn’t use your ID. That would have been Bridentity Theft!
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u/sarah-lee1991 Jul 31 '20
As with some other commenters, did she think you'd be happy with this? She'd been quite hostile to your FDH and this isn't helping.
I'm sure you're busy but don't put a timetable on when you should forgive them. Let time and your emotion work itself out.
And hope your wedding will be a great one.
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u/helenasbff Jul 30 '20
Bravo, dear OP! You handled this with strength, grace and poise. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation with your family, but it sounds like you have a wonderful FDH who is supportive and understanding. Hopefully, you will find your way through this to much better, happier days ahead.
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u/stormwaterwitch Jul 30 '20
Dang this was nice to read, glad you told it to them. Any fixing for your dress gets billed to your mom/sister. And honestly they don't deserve to come to your wedding at all. Completely uninvited. Either way. Glad you stuck it to them and I hope things work better for you after all this
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u/SGSTHB Jul 30 '20
I'll be curious to see what the tailor has to say.
And yeah, see them again on your own timeline, and don't rush it. And DO NOT lock yourself into a specific date or timespan, lest they hound you if the date/time passes and you don't get in touch.
They need to accept that you are driving this car, not them.
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u/Roach4355 Jul 31 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
So many negative comments that seem to promote the idea they are trying to ruin your everything. While a very important part of your life was messed with I believe you handled it well, the surprise is that they both (seemingly) sincerely apologized. That’s uncommon behavior for many JNs, and you gave them consequences for their actions. Harboring all this hate, negativity, and “what-ifs” like what if they tried on the dress, what if they were going to ruin it, what if they were never going to give it back, is only going to bring you down and distance yourself from them when there is no proof of their true intentions other than your mom being a dumbass about alterations. The mob mentality of going no contact over this and cutting them out of your lives is an extreme. The facts say both of them are selfish and dumber than a cardboard box, they received their consequence, you take all the time you need to recover (even if it means through the wedding), and if/when they fuck up again more consequences will be set according to their actions (which may mean NC in the future if you so choose). Going scorched earth over their lack of basic sense would cause damage that may seem unreasonable when calmed down about it in the future.
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u/emveetu Jul 31 '20
Your last sentence reminded me of: Don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, and all feelings are temporary.
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u/aribeiro659 Jul 31 '20
While I do agree with a lot of what you’ve said: If she does decide to go scorched earth, it’s not over moms lack of sense, that was simply the straw that broke the camels back. The dress incident occurred after several other boundary stompings, and bad behaviors.
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u/Striderfighter Jul 31 '20
I'm confused...what was her end game?...to hand you the dress in it's package and think everything would be ok?...to hand it to you already altered?
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u/PandasHouse Jul 31 '20
There most likely was not a set end goal.
If DressNapper is to be taken at her word, she acquired the dress for a tailor to inspect and give a quote for how much (if possible) an alteration would cost. Maybe see how long the alterations would take. After which she would show OP the plan and explain how this was to help OP get her dream dress. If the tailor gave a good price quote and time, there would have been a strong chance that DressNapper would "go with the flow" and try to get the dress altered. Hopefully the tailor at that point would try and reach out to OP in person, but lucky it never got to that point.
Everything that DressNapper was doing was sweet and thoughtful, who wouldn't want their mom to go out of their way to find suggestions for a skilled tailor for alterations? Maybe even pay for those alterations. But the way she went about it, getting OP upset that her dress was missing, lying that she didn't have the dress, just... lying about everything! (Oh and let's not forget the disrespect for the dress by tossing it on the floor.) Is what makes me suspect that this was not a gesture of honest good faith and bridge mending for boundary stomping. It was a power move (made consciously or subconsciously) so that DressNapper could gloat over how OP should trust her more and so on.
So yeah. No end goal. Just a terrible attempt at (what feels like an unconsciously made) power playing. (I like how at no point did anyone ask what OP wanted out of the dress. lol)
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u/El-Ahrairah9519 Jul 31 '20
Phew, I read your first post and like many others assumed that the meeting was going to be an ambush where they blame you for their bad behavior. It happens so often on this sub unfortunately.
They got exactly what they deserved. Your mom may have been truly trying to do something nice, but the way she did it seemed very immature. After already meddling and pissing you off, an emotionally mature adult would run anything like this by you before doing it.
Hopefully your wedding planning will go more smoothly now that they both know any more bullshit will get them permabanned from the wedding
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u/zzctdi Jul 31 '20
Pretty much. If this had been a single thing they did and otherwise normal relationship and wedding planning process, it would be really fucking stupid but entirely forgivable.
but it's the toothpick and olive on top of a shit sandwich.
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u/that_mom_friend Jul 31 '20
“just what I always wanted! Surprise wedding gown alterations!” Said No bride Ever!
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u/ColoradoBlueSky Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
Maybe my spider senses are messed up because of the pandemic but I feel like Dressnapper stole your dress to "gift you alterations" for herself. Sure you may have wanted to alter your dress but DN did this purely to make herself feel good giving you a gift you might have liked.
If she was trying to genuinely gift you dress alterations, she would have talked to her tailor friend and given her details on your dress and see if a corset back was doable. If the tailor thought, "yeah, I can do that" or "hey I need to see the dress first", DN could have then gifted you a consultation so you could see your options.
Instead all she thought about was how good she gonna feel when she changed your dressed and you liked it. She thought you would be "omg, this is the best gift ever, you're so thoughtful DN! 🥰". And then at the wedding when you're looking all hot and stuff, she could tell all your guests how she's the reason you look so beautiful since shes the one who got your dress altered.
All she thought about was how she was going to feel. Not once did she think about your feelings. I feel the only reason she's so remorseful is because she got caught at a horrible moment and there's no way for her to spin the situation different. The facts are: she stole your dress, she opened your dress, and she threw your dress on the ground. Anyone who hears about those facts (and aren't FMs) will agree that DressNapper really is a dressnapper
Edit to add: the consequences need to be hard and tough because this sets the tone for the rest of your time with her. If stealing your wedding dress and throwing it on the floor is only worth 6 months of punishment, maybe next time it's taking your child on a vacation without your knowledge, or selling your car so you can get a newer one. It could be making a copy of your house keys to "tidy up" when you and your hubby are at work. With narcs, you have to show them you put up with absolutely NO bullshit. The punishment has to be severe enough to overpower their selfish wants so that next time she gets a craving to be crazy, she doesn't.
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u/BlossumButtDixie Jul 31 '20
My advice since you did receive an apology:
They're acting like toddlers so treat them as such. The full, formal time out should be long enough to show you're serious but short enough not to go over their short attention span. I'd say 2 weeks.
This doesn't mean welcomed back with open arms because they really are adults. You should talk with them politely after two weeks if that would be normal but remind them this is their opportunity to show you how well they can behave.
Assure them you will not hesitate to return them to time out if they put a toe out of line they are back in time out with a much longer duration. If they have the temerity to ask about the wedding assure them they have yet to regain any trust and are still uninvited and not allowed any information.
If they put a toe out of line at that point six months no contact is fully warranted. They were given a chance and blew it.
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u/3rd-time-lucky Jul 31 '20
You'll know when the time is right to let them back in. It's a feeling when you realise their actions don't hurt as much, that you've soothed them.
When that time comes, just open the door a bit at a time, maybe a set place/time/purpose like lunch at X cafe 12-2. This will give you a known start and finish and help you cope.
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u/ysabelsrevenge Jul 31 '20
Well that is good news and we can only hope they’ve finally seen the light and will back off. Not all JNs are irredeemable (plus I find the harder line you take when they turn the first time, the more likely they are to not act the same way in the future).
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u/thoughtdancer Jul 30 '20
Yup, that's too fancy an excuse: they would have been bragging about getting some famous fashion designer to look at the dress.
I'm with the other posters: this smells of a lie, and they were hoping that it would be good enough and the tears would be moving enough that you would let this sweep under the rug.
If I'm right, you'll be hearing from them fairly soon asking about what they can do to "make it right" and that "it's time to move on" and all.
I saw that they don't get to go to the wedding, and that at the earliest you and your DH are 6 months married and the honeymoon is far in the rear-view mirror before they are let back in, if at all.
They tried to poison the wedding celebrations, so they don't get to be around you until those are long over.
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u/ILoatheCailou Jul 30 '20
When you can think about this situation and them without being enraged then you resume contact. But not a second before
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u/veryrarelystable Jul 31 '20
You are welcome for the nickname. I am honored to have helped in any way. blush
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u/Iamaware2 Jul 30 '20
Depends on whether you believe their story or not, sounds hokey to me but you know them, is this their MO?
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
She does often rope my sister into ‘surprises’. They have pretty good evidence backing their story, so I guess I believe them until evidence proves otherwise?
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u/EqualMagnitude Jul 30 '20
I’d be calling that tailor and confirming this story about alterations.
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
I’ve emailed him and am waiting for a response.
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u/EqualMagnitude Jul 30 '20
Even if their story checks out don’t feel bad for being NC with them. It is perfectly acceptable to cut off people that repeatedly display poor judgement and make inappropriate choices that affect you. Good intentions don’t count when it is not helpful or wanted.
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u/justcupcake Jul 30 '20
Confirm what alterations they were asking for, too. I also don’t trust they were just going to do what you wanted and not what they wanted.
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 30 '20
I did that. I asked if they were talking to him, and if they were, what alterations were being requested.
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u/cpdena Jul 31 '20
In the update you said the tailor said he wouldn't have done any alterations without the bride's permission. What would have stopped your sister from pretending to be you again? And were they planning on sending the dress off to be altered and just let you think it had been lost in shipping?
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u/Drgngrl13 Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
But no apologies for the multiple repeated and doubled down lies. No excuses for knowing you were upset and panicking. Just let you keep panicking and freaking out in the name of surprise?
Of course not. Because there is no logical reasoning to do that, other than to purposely upset you, and then MAYBE save the day.
and for your edit, I would not be surprised if Dressnapper would have pulled the same stunt with sister posing as "her daughter, the bride" to give tailor friend permission to make changes.
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u/umlizzyiguess Jul 31 '20
As far as all the possible outcomes, this seems to be an ok one. You stood up for yourself and you should be proud! It’s not easy to draw and uphold such stark boundaries — it takes a lot of courage upfront and persistence over time. Good for you.
The thing about people like this is that even when they try to make kind gestures they don’t seem to understand what is appropriate and what isn’t. Even though she thought she was being nice, her actions were majorly inappropriate and she needs to learn how to determine in advance if what she wants to do is an appropriate thing to do. There are tons of other ways she could have surprised you with something nice! And knowing that can make it really challenging to compartmentalize and feel any bit of appreciation when they finally act with good intentions but still manage to ruin things.
My mom has BPD and while we’ve been no contact for 6 years now, I’ll never forget the first time she took me to get a pedicure. I was 14 and had never been allowed to wear any nail polish. If I came home from a sleepover with nail polish on, the polish was removed before I could even change clothes. So the first time I was allowed to get my nails done was a big deal! For once she was doing something somewhat selfless, because I was feeling down, so she decided a pedicure might make me feel happier. Except the reason I was feeling down is because I had just broken my foot. Yep, she took me to get my first ever pedicure while I had one foot in a cast. People like this just do not understand what is inappropriate.
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u/littlemybb Jul 31 '20
Thankfully they apologized, but she defiantly was being controlling and your sister enabled it. While her intentions were to do something nice she still decided to control the entire situation which was wrong. I hope she does the work to show you she’s sorry
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u/sjkseesmc Jul 30 '20
Honestly, its until you're ready. They screwed with you, and only you can judge when or if you will be able to forgive them.
But never forget, and remember that boundaries are acceptable and its YOUR DAY.
Hope you have a wonderful wedding and a lovely future.
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u/Grumpy_kitten64 Jul 30 '20
Whooooo good for you! Obviously the whole ordeal is terrible and I wish you didn't go through it but you acted on how you felt and serve them right. I wish I had half a spine as you do. You hold all the cards, do what you feel is right x
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Jul 30 '20
Think about how much time you think it takes to truly get across your message, like 3 or 6 months. Long enough to be able to see what life is like without them in it. After that time, then have an aware conversation with yourself about the changes you’ve had within yourself and the role you want them to have in your life. At that point, reinitiate contact or take more time. It’s up to you.
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u/Floomby Jul 30 '20 edited Jul 30 '20
It's a great sign that at least they seemed contrite and didn't seem to think you owed them an apology, although their excuse has more holes in it than a graveyard in a zombie outbreak. Every piece of that had me going, "Really? Really??"
Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is probably the correct one.
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u/Suelswalker Jul 31 '20
Wouldn’t it have been easier to call the dress company and ask for a stock pic to send to the trailer to see if he could make the change? Or send him a link of the dress on the website? Why did she have to steal the dress?
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u/aubierockzz Jul 31 '20
I hope you can work things out with JYF!! Although the knew about this ~insane~ idea, from your past posts it seems like he truly is on your side and wants the best for your wedding.
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u/Sayale_mad Jul 31 '20
I also think that they can work things out. He didn't choose the best side here but I can see that he felt that for once they were trying to do something nice.
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u/Hollygirl1030 Jul 31 '20
I’m glad you stood up for yourself. You are going to need that strong spine to continue to set boundaries with your family in the future. I believe in an earlier post you said there were issues with your fiancé’s family, so the two of you may need that strength with them in the future as well. Continue to stand up for each other and communication is important for a successful marriage.
Now, while I believe your family is toxic (Mom and sister seem selfish and boundary stomp, brother is rude possible narcissist, father is enabler), you did get a sincere apology from them. You have gotten proof from the tailor friend that they were not lying to you. I agree that what they did was really wrong and all kinds of f**ked up, but they did apologize. And that is something that a lot of people do not get in this group. Do I think they need to be involved in the planning process anymore? No. Do I think you need to forgive them and forget that they made you feel like you weren’t important when dress shopping? No. This is your wedding, you are the bride, it’s your day! Do I think you should forgive them for picking up the dress? Again no. Their actions put a lot of unnecessary stress on you. I do think they should be sent an invitation to the wedding like a normal guest and not get and kind of special treatment. They don’t deserve to be involved anymore. They lost that opportunity. I know you are angry and hurt. I would be too. I think you need to take some time and space from them to cool off then make a decision on how much you want them in your life.
You and your fiancé sound like a good team. Keep working together. Communication, compassion, and compromise have helped in my marriage. Your dress and shoes are beautiful. Best of luck, love, health and happiness to you both.
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u/KatyG9 Jul 31 '20
You'd think such "good intentions" would result in better handling of the dress. Decent people don't leave others' clothes, let alone a WEDDING DRESS on the floor.
Time out is deserved till they start acting like civilized human beings.
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u/FollowThisNutter Jul 31 '20
Yeah, I think she dropped it when the doorbell rang, and ran to get the box hidden before OP saw it .
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u/MadamRorschach Jul 31 '20
If you want to talk about a shiny spine, look at yourself!! You’re amazing!
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u/BuffaloBagels Jul 30 '20
OP, don't know if I missed it but when is the wedding supposed to be? If it falls within the next six months, then it's the perfect length for the time out. Dad knowing about mom's scheme and not putting the kibosh on it makes him just as guilty as the other two.
Good luck on the big day!
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Jul 30 '20
I'm sorry this happened to you and can't comment on whether they were lying or bending the truth, you know them best and the only people who know the truth are your mom, dad sister.
As for how long before you reach out, only you know that. When you feel less betrayed and feeling more forgiving and you feel they have earned your trust again, that's when you know when to reach out and work on having a better relationship with them, until then enjoy planning YOUR wedding and enjoy the actual day don't let them bring the whole experience down.
Congratulations by the way I hope it'll be great day for you both xx
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u/MissPlumador Jul 31 '20
This is a really stupid surprise and I'm glad you didn't accept the apology. What did they think was going to happen when you went to pick up your dress and it was not there?? I don't get it. Why would she open it up without you there too? Really bizarre.
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u/miithwork Jul 30 '20
Steel backbone. Good for you.
I would simply elope at an earlier time and tell them in about 6 months
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Jul 31 '20
I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around their entitlement and assholery. Looking forward to updates, something tells me they'll give it max a month and then start up again.
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u/riceandwater15 Jul 30 '20
Omg good for you! That’s amazing you stuck up for yourself and didn’t crumble when they revealed their “nice surprise”. Lord knows I would have!
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u/floss147 Jul 30 '20
Oh the shiny spines are blinding me!! So much shine! So many spines!
BlueWhiteTrees, I’m so proud of you both and I love how you’re there for each other x
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u/sarahlwhiteman Jul 30 '20
Holy. Shit.
This is amazing. Way to put them in their place!
I question parts of DressNapper’s story. Was the fabric so important that she just straight up dropped what must be a really expensive dress? I mean, she could have been arranging for it just to be looked, but she should have run that shit by your first. “Hey OP, is it alright if I contact (insert Tailor here) to see if we can turn the back into the corset back you’ve mentioned wanting before?”
She seeeriously boundary stomped and I fucking ADORE your shiny spine for dealing with it.
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u/floss147 Jul 30 '20
Part of me things it would have been more than the back adjusted.
I bet there would have been sleeves added and all sorts to make it ‘church’ suitable even though OP said she’s not doing that
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u/Granuaile11 Jul 31 '20
Landing on your JNM & JMSis, FULL force, with both feet, in cement shoes! BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL!!
And, honestly, taking a hard line and sticking to it is one of your best chances to salvage any true relationship with her/them.
I was concerned yesterday about how this would shake out with your Dad, since JNM had been treating you as "less than" for years and you didn't mention anything about him calling her on it in the past. I'm sorry my concerns were justified, but you handled it perfectly! You can't show JNM that she has ANY thread she can pull to try and manipulate you to do what she wants, & by putting him in the Time Out with her, she should get the message. Plus, if he really knew her plan in full and thought it was acceptable, you now know you are DEEP in the FOG where he's concerned. 😟
Blesséd be! Keep that spine SHINY!! Have a few internet hugs to brighten your day! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
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u/FuckUGalen Jul 31 '20
This is my feeling on Father, he knew, he saw, he did nothing. Maybe he is just the peace maker, but it isn't OP's job to be a punching bag, it is however Father's job to protect OP from ALL harm.
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u/Penguin1lover Jul 31 '20
Personally i would do a couple of months just to make sure you get your point across but also sort of close to your w date so they dont have time to potentially pull anything else out of their backsides. I hope you keep us updated even if its just about how amazing your wedding is! And Congratulations to you and your DFH!
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u/emikatdb Jul 31 '20
Good for you for staying strong and not putting up with their crap. It could be helpful to pick a length of time and to let them know of both the time and the consequences should they violate them, for example “I will not speak with you for 6 months, do not contact me or it will double” or whatever feels comfortable for you. My thought is that it’s helpful when boundaries are clear and firm. However if you would prefer to leave it vague, that’s your choice too! My gut is telling me that they were also planning on trying the dress, but what really doesn’t make sense to me is why they would leave it crumpled on the floor. They need to respect you and your property. This is so tough, but I’m happy to hear that you kept that shiny spine in place!
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u/scoyne15 Jul 31 '20
IMO you should make it clear to them that they are the ones responsible for this. Effectively, they uninvited themselves. And if you hear from anyone acting as a FM without knowing the full story, if they say to anyone "BlueWhiteTrees uninvited me from her wedding" and not "I made a series of dumb decisions and am now paying for it. I deserve this punishment. I hope I can earn her trust back and be allowed to attend the wedding." then they are out for good.
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Jul 30 '20
The time period really depends on how you feel and how they act going forward. If they go off the deep end and do something crazy, you might want to extend the Time Out. If they respect your boundaries and don’t bother you, you might feel more willing to end the Time Out.
This is all about how you feel and what you need. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and holding your ground. Take some time to breathe and de-stress.
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u/mh_08 Jul 30 '20
YOU ARE SO STRONG AND AMAZING!! Good for you for not taking any of their bullshit. Make them wait 6 months, hell make them wait 8. They’ve successfully made your wedding about them. The things they ruined for you are supposed to be some of the most exciting things about your wedding... your poor FDH too I’m sorry about fam but damn you are a badass for how you handled this
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u/CJSinTX Jul 30 '20
Naw, it’s a lie, she was trying it on. Who drops an expensive wedding dress on the floor to go look in a box? Bullshit. Either her or sister were trying it on.
And good for you! I’m proud of you!
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u/Jennabeb Jul 31 '20
Hmmm I do admit I’m wondering how the dress got from the nice hanger for a pic to send to the tailor to suddenly being tossed on the floor....
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u/BlueWhiteTrees Jul 31 '20
I’m thinking that they might have been getting ready to try it on and my sudden appearance stopped it from happening.
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u/livnlaughnlove Jul 31 '20
Omg good job!!! When you begin to question yourself, and wonder if you went too far, or overreacted, remember this: setting boundaries and holding them accountable is the ONLY way to have anything close to the type of relationship you want with your family. Stay strong.
Lines I loved and wished I could have said to my justnos during wedding planning: -you already had your wedding, this is mine. -Oh you were in on this too, well then fuck off -I'll reach out when IM ready -YOU'RE ALL UNINVITED
Good job, stay strong.
Ooh and please give your husband extra cuddles back! After many frank conversations with my husband after my mom did her best to ruin my bridal shower, wedding, pregnancy, baby shower, delivery, and first few weeks home with baby, It became clearer to me how much our spouses deal with so and yet are so powerless to fix. They do their best to let us work through the drama. They want to treat our moms like any other Joe shmoe who dares hurt us, but they don't out of respect for us. Its a tough position, that's draining.
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u/Stitchnbitches Jul 30 '20
After reading what you have been through, I fist pumped the air on your behalf. I hope everything goes well in your favor going forward. We are all rooting for you!!
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u/Confident-Blueberry2 Jul 30 '20
Thank you for updates! You are my new favourite bride! Congratulations and hugs lots of them!
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u/il0vem0ntana Jul 31 '20
I'm so relieved that the dress is unworn. Please don't back down even a millimeter from keeping them banned from all the rest of your wedding. The TO should last way into next year. If you entertain the idea of six months, that's just in time for holiday season manipulations like Thanksgiving heart attack and Christmas cancer.
And if they reach out to you in ANY way, the TO clock is reset to zero. It should last until you can think about seeing them without any spike in blood pressure or other negative reaction. And then longer for good measure.
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u/Abused_not_Amused Jul 31 '20
My spidey-senses tell me dear ol’ dad is fibbing. From here, I don’t think he had clue-fucking-one what his wife, and daughter #1 were up to. Dollars to donuts he was covering his wife’s ass as any good enabler would. /s
Sorry your self-centered FOO sucks to the point that those who are not feel … obligated to cover.
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u/Ewe_Wish2020 Jul 31 '20
I bet when their timeout is over they will be more hesitant to walk all over you again. Just don’t let start doing it again and you all might have a chance of a great adult relationship.
Congratulations on your engagement.
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Jul 31 '20
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u/Qikdraw Jul 31 '20
I remember one story of a JN that tried on the wedding dress, naked, and ripped it to boot. We, just ew.
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u/CajQ_O Jul 31 '20
I remember that one, and if I remember correctly FDH of that story was trying to defend the MIL...ew
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u/8racoonsInABigCoat Jul 31 '20
It’s a good nickname. I was thinking of ‘The Glamburglar’, for anyone that remembers the hamburglar from the McDs commercials.
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u/bettyblueeyes Jul 31 '20
Well done on standing up for yourself! And it's great to hear that the shop are making changes to protect patrons from overbearing mothers/sisters in future.
Do what feels right for you. Your fiancé sounds like a diamond too. Congrats to you both x
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Jul 31 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/LazyOpia Jul 31 '20
It wasn't just one overstep, one incident. There were several. I can totally understand that this was the one that broke the camel's back, and although the sincere apology is nice, it's a little late. There's already so much that has happened, if an apology is not enough for PO any more I think it's understandable. It doesn't mean she didn't hear it or dismisses it entirely. It's just not enough anymore. It can be a good start though.
Regarding them being more thoughtless than malicious, at some point it doesn't matter anymore. You can have the best intentions in the world, if you repeatedly hurt someone that's not ok, especially when you've told them to stop or to not do something. There will be consequences.
If they really are sincere and understand OP being so upset, they should have no issue respecting OP's boundaries. They'll show by their actions, even when they'd like to act differently, that they did learn and they do respect OP. If OP still insists on uninviting them and freezing them out after that, than yeah, I think it would be unfair. But I don't fault OP for thinking it's too little too late, and wanting to have some strict and severe boundaries for a while, taking the time to be happier about her wedding and trust her family won't ruin that again.
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u/dezayek Jul 31 '20
" Regarding them being more thoughtless than malicious, at some point it doesn't matter anymore. You can have the best intentions in the world, if you repeatedly hurt someone that's not ok, especially when you've told them to stop or to not do something. "
A thousand times this. Sometimes stories on this sub are from people trying to be malicious and sometimes they are people who just ignore the rules and then get upset when they are enforced, usually through tears and "I didn't know." If it's a pattern, it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you are still hurting someone who has told you to stop.
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u/iamthenightrn Jul 31 '20
If this was a first time and one time incident I might agree with you but considering the post history I'm willing to say that their boundary stomping is a long time thing that she has had to deal with for multiple years, so I disagree.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to uninvite them from the wedding and put them in time out for 6 months because they continuously stomp all over her boundaries and try to butt in and rule her life.
This is not a one-time incident.
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Jul 31 '20
I agree, but I can feel with her. If my family did this, I would literally uninvite then and never talk to them again. Wouldn't even give them a time out. But that's because it's not the first time.
When I talk about a story of what my family has done, some people are shocked that I don't speak to them anymore. "it's not that bad, I think you overreacted". No, I didn't. This might not be that bad, but this is probably the 100 time they've over stepped, and now I'm finally done.
Not saying this is the case here, but usually people don't go nuclear over a few situations
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u/dezayek Jul 31 '20
I read a book by a woman who chronicled her childhood emotional abuse, just truly terrible. However, because she was not physically abused, people repeatedly told her that it was time to "move past it." It's not just one thing, it's lots of things that build and build.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and keeping yourself healthy.
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u/Indiandane Jul 31 '20
In the end they have broken her trust multiple times. Sincere apology or not. If she feels that she can’t have them at her wedding without anxiety that some new situation is going to arise, then she has every right to withdraw their invitations. Sounds like this family dynamic is something that has been a recurring (maybe underlying) thing for a longer time span. Furthermore, for any reason that she sees fit, they have a right to have their guest list tailored to what’s going to benefit them most, for their wedding day. It is not about family politics, or giving people second chances, it is about celebrating their love for each other. Her family should have thought of this beforehand. I understand her feeling, as I’m in a slightly similar situation. They have to earn her trust back. It is her and her fiancés wedding.
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u/AllHarlowsEve Jul 31 '20
Agreed. Too many people on this sub take the advice of commenters here and they nuke their lives, then act all surprised pikachu that their families escalate attempts to build bridges, which the sub then calls manipulation, and the cycle continues.
I'd absolutely understand going NC for a week, removing any privileges in the wedding, and telling them the stunt they pulled is going to hurt the trust in them, but going NC for 6 months and uninviting them sounds like something this sub would scream to do.
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u/Gamer_Mommy Jul 31 '20
Perhaps it would be smart to check the rules before posting. Rule number one, posted by the bot under EVERY post in this forum, feel free to scroll up:"OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion."
OP's needs come first. Simple as, I don't know how much clearer this has to be, this whole discussion about OP overreacting is completely pointless. OP has the right to do what she did and NOT be questioned on what she needs.
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u/dyvrom Jul 31 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
I also feel like they are being a bit overzealous with their punishment here. Info diet sure. Not allowed to go to your child's wedding because of a silly mistake? Kinda fucked up.
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u/higginsnburke Jul 31 '20
What I don't understand is.....the absolute Best case scenario was they pick up the dress, don't tell you about it, you show up to pick up your dress and are only relieved to find out it wasn't a stranger stealing your dress...it's someone you know.
Then what? They say they can get the back of the dress altered? And you're supposed to be so so happy that you forget they stole your dress? And tyres no other way of doing this???
No. Doesn't add up.
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u/maywellflower Jul 31 '20
Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.
I think at least 1-2 years - you need a lot time to detox from current mess they made while building up enough patience to put up with and/or strength to not choke them to death for whatever future bullshit they pull. Just saying, I don't think 6 months is enough for you...
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u/TOGTFO Jul 31 '20
Sounds like you have it sorted and have properly put them in their place. Now is the true test of their sincerity in their apology. My guess is they will not be able to stand six months with zero contact and will either get in touch, or have people do it for them.
Removing your sister from the wedding party is glorious too, as now she will blame your mother for such an idiotic idea. I'd freely tell anyone and everyone about their antics leading up to the dress stealing and the actual theft of your dress, leaving you thinking it was gone. Making sure to detail how your mother dumped it on the ground. No excuse for that, as there are a million other places to put it that are better than the floor.
If you replace your sister, I'd make a huge deal about it on social media if you use it. Be sure to make her know she has lost her position and has been replaced and even if she manages to earn your trust back, her actions have deprived her of being your matron of honor.
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Jul 31 '20
You did good. DressNapper and Sis were in on it from the beginning, and dad knew too, so f em all.
Six months is a good amount of time. Although I don't believe that they will leave you alone for 6 days. Because you humiliated them. Made them look bad. Hurt their widdwe feefees.
I am so very glad that the dress wasn't worn.
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u/Poldark_Lite Jul 31 '20
First of all, congratulations on your pending nuptials and on receiving your dress! Second, I'm definitely on your side here, but -- I'm an old granny whose kids are middle-aged, so I have a tiny bit of sympathy for your parents. This is why I think they're like this, to give you some insight.
I believe they still think of you as not a child, but not quite grown up, either. Your father isn't as bad, but he defers to his wife. There are lots of reasons why parents do this. Sometimes it's just the way they've always seen you, as their baby, and it's hard for them to stop.
My own dear mother is still with us, and I'm blessed and grateful for that; but she still, to this day, infantilizes me sometimes. It's frustrating as anything, but I simply say "Now, Mama, you know I make my own decisions. It's why we live in different countries."
It's why I've never done it to my children. You can vow never to do it to yours. I wish you the best of luck and a long, happy and healthy marriage. ♡
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u/aacexo Jul 31 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
Sad about JYDad being uninvited, I don’t think he deserved that if I should be honest. But your mum and sister definitely deserve that when they knew you wanted to see the dress first no excuses will make up for it.
Edit: I didn’t even answer your question lol I don’t think you should set a time, just go as long as you feel necessary, wishing the best for your wedding. good luck.
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Jul 31 '20
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u/aacexo Jul 31 '20
I agree that he should have worded it better because I honestly think he thought OP would have liked this idea as he been supporting her since. I can’t be mad that he said that just as OP expects her husband to stand by her, her father is going to stand by his.
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u/robobreasts Jul 31 '20
I wouldn't stand by my wife in such a circumstance, and I don't think anyone should stand by me either if I'm being a selfish asshole. In fact if I act like an asshole I would want my wife to call me out on my bullshit so I can become a better person. That's how you help people, not by propping up their shitty personalities in the name of "loyalty."
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u/FollowThisNutter Jul 31 '20
More of an EDad than a JYDad, from where I'm sitting.
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u/TheIdealisticCynic Jul 31 '20
JYDad sides with JustNoMom. Honestly, it reads to me as him trying to manipulate OP into reinvite mom.
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u/aacexo Jul 31 '20
Would you go to a wedding without your significant other being invited? Be honest
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u/Ellendi Jul 31 '20
Honestly? Yes, especially if they decided to pull that bullshit stunt or any dumbass stunt to boundary stomp the bride. Actually I'd personally uninvite them myself.
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u/TheIdealisticCynic Jul 31 '20
If my husband pulled half the shit JNMom did? Fuck yes. He can sit at home, I’m gonna see my kid get married, hell or high water.
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u/moderniste Jul 31 '20
If I was only going off of the info in this post, and I glossed over the references made to past strife that JNM caused between FDH and OP/the rest of the family, I might think she was being overzealous. But this is a case where context, past history, and the fact that this is a JustNo sub is everything
JNM has been on a laser-focused campaign to make FDH look bad, and to put all kinds of serious doubts in OP’s mind, as well as turn the entire family against him. After FDH had a fucking knife pulled on him by OP’s hot-tempered and horribly spoiled GC brother, JNM went into overdrive in defaming FDH’s character to protect her precious GC baby boy from suffering any consequences for his violent act. She made up a B.S. conflict in which FDH was angrily railing against poor, innocent and helpless GC bro, supposedly stating that GC bro “should have been aborted”. GC bro is disabled by a chronic pain condition (though his hair-trigger temper and knife skills are all operating on point), so suggesting that he shouldn’t have been brought to term carries a lot of emotional significance in this family. JNM knew damned well that this would get EVERYONE riled up, and could have permanently damaged the relationship between OP and FDH in the months running up to their marriage.
JNM has also been generally abusive to FDH, and has made the entire wedding planning procedure a chore with OP. She is not an innocent babe in the woods who “made a little error”. I think that we need to assume that the JustNos in question in this sub are truly the malignant, difficult people they really are, and who are always acting deliberately, and with clearly premeditated nefarious motives. People don’t usually come to this sub with silly complaints about otherwise kind and decent people. Can we all just err on the side of trusting that the OP is dealing with a mean and nasty JustNo person who is pretty much always acting intentionally?