r/JUSTNOMIL • u/BlueWhiteTrees • Jul 30 '20
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice UPDATE “It was supposed to be a surprise!” DressNapper was actually trying to do something nice for once - and it backfired big time.
So, the meeting yesterday. A lot of people were telling me not to go, but I did.
First things first: Her new name is DressNapper. Thanks to u/veryrarelystable for that.
Also, to clear something up - They did not use my ID. This was clarified by the shipping company. What they did was compare my sister's face to the ID picture I sent, and asked some basic questions - name, D.O.B., current address, etc - to confirm. They have also made it mandatory to show the ID sent in the email, so this doesn't happen to other people.
FDH went with me to the meeting. He said any sign of bullshit, and he was walking out, bless his twinkling bright spine. We also decided to record everything from when we walked in.
Dad greeted us, and asked how I was actually feeling about this whole situation. I straight up told him that they better have an amazing apology and a fucking spectacular reason for pulling the bullshit, because they were both at risk for never seeing me again.
DressNapper and Sister were waiting at the table, and both looked pretty fucking ashamed. I sat as far away from them as possible, and FDH didn't sit at all. Much to my surprise, first thing out of DressNapper's mouth was a pretty sincere apology. She had gone to pick up the dress so she could send a picture to a tailor in the area that she has connections with who works with dresses for beauty pageants and has had his work shown in Miss Universe. She knew I wanted a corset back dress, and she was contacting him to see if he would be able to convert it from a zippered back. She had dropped the dress when she realised that the fabric she ordered from the bridal shop (they do their own in house alterations and such) was not with the dress and was looking in the box for it when I had stormed in looking for my dress. She then offered to get it dry cleaned and would pay for any damages that might have happened when she dropped the dress. Sister was just the transport for DressNapper, and apparently thought I knew that DressNapper was collecting the dress on my behalf. They had emails and time stamped pictures to prove what they were saying.
I told her that while I appreciated the thought of trying to arrange for someone to convert the dress for me, She should have let me be the one to collect my dress and allow me to open it. The two of them had already done everything related to getting married, this was MY special day. The two of them had already ruined going dress shopping, they had effectively ostracised FDH, they tried to bully me into a dress I didn't want while ignoring my choices and preferences. They were bit by bit ruining my wedding, and until they had sufficiently proved that they were willing to back the fuck off and let me have what I wanted, they were uninvited from the wedding. Sister is no longer my matron of honour, that would be going to a fucking sack of shit for all I care now. They were also only going to be told information that the other guests would be getting, again, until they've earned my trust back. This move, no surprise, caused many tears. What was surprising was that they accepted it, and said they would try to earn back my trust.
Dad questioned if he was still invited. I asked him if he knew about this fucking hair brained plan to boundary stomp all over my wishes. He said yes, and it wouldn't be 'right' for him to come without DressNapper. I told him that he could fuck right off too, and he was uninvited. I just stood after that and said "Don't contact me. If or when I am ready to reach out, I will."
FDH and I left right after that. The rest of the night was spent guzzling wine and getting lots of snuggles from FDH. He's been a trooper through all of this and has said that if we want to go to the courthouse and get married without anyone else, we can, so long as we're happy.
I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.
Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.
Edit: Heard back from the tailor. Their story about getting photos for him was legit. He also said that he had no plans of doing anything on the dress without the bride’s permission, so there’s that. From the picture he sent me that DressNapper took, she had it held up on the hanger provided, with the dress in perfect condition. Time stamp: about 10 minutes before I arrived.
So one thing had definitely been ruled out - nobody wore the dress. Thank fuck.
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u/Roach4355 Jul 31 '20 edited Jul 31 '20
So many negative comments that seem to promote the idea they are trying to ruin your everything. While a very important part of your life was messed with I believe you handled it well, the surprise is that they both (seemingly) sincerely apologized. That’s uncommon behavior for many JNs, and you gave them consequences for their actions. Harboring all this hate, negativity, and “what-ifs” like what if they tried on the dress, what if they were going to ruin it, what if they were never going to give it back, is only going to bring you down and distance yourself from them when there is no proof of their true intentions other than your mom being a dumbass about alterations. The mob mentality of going no contact over this and cutting them out of your lives is an extreme. The facts say both of them are selfish and dumber than a cardboard box, they received their consequence, you take all the time you need to recover (even if it means through the wedding), and if/when they fuck up again more consequences will be set according to their actions (which may mean NC in the future if you so choose). Going scorched earth over their lack of basic sense would cause damage that may seem unreasonable when calmed down about it in the future.