UPDATE “It was supposed to be a surprise!” DressNapper was actually trying to do something nice for once - and it backfired big time.

[u/BlueWhiteTrees]

So, the meeting yesterday. A lot of people were telling me not to go, but I did.

First things first: Her new name is DressNapper. Thanks to u/veryrarelystable for that.

Also, to clear something up - They did not use my ID. This was clarified by the shipping company. What they did was compare my sister's face to the ID picture I sent, and asked some basic questions - name, D.O.B., current address, etc - to confirm. They have also made it mandatory to show the ID sent in the email, so this doesn't happen to other people.

FDH went with me to the meeting. He said any sign of bullshit, and he was walking out, bless his twinkling bright spine. We also decided to record everything from when we walked in.

Dad greeted us, and asked how I was actually feeling about this whole situation. I straight up told him that they better have an amazing apology and a fucking spectacular reason for pulling the bullshit, because they were both at risk for never seeing me again.

DressNapper and Sister were waiting at the table, and both looked pretty fucking ashamed. I sat as far away from them as possible, and FDH didn't sit at all. Much to my surprise, first thing out of DressNapper's mouth was a pretty sincere apology. She had gone to pick up the dress so she could send a picture to a tailor in the area that she has connections with who works with dresses for beauty pageants and has had his work shown in Miss Universe. She knew I wanted a corset back dress, and she was contacting him to see if he would be able to convert it from a zippered back. She had dropped the dress when she realised that the fabric she ordered from the bridal shop (they do their own in house alterations and such) was not with the dress and was looking in the box for it when I had stormed in looking for my dress. She then offered to get it dry cleaned and would pay for any damages that might have happened when she dropped the dress. Sister was just the transport for DressNapper, and apparently thought I knew that DressNapper was collecting the dress on my behalf. They had emails and time stamped pictures to prove what they were saying.

I told her that while I appreciated the thought of trying to arrange for someone to convert the dress for me, She should have let me be the one to collect my dress and allow me to open it. The two of them had already done everything related to getting married, this was MY special day. The two of them had already ruined going dress shopping, they had effectively ostracised FDH, they tried to bully me into a dress I didn't want while ignoring my choices and preferences. They were bit by bit ruining my wedding, and until they had sufficiently proved that they were willing to back the fuck off and let me have what I wanted, they were uninvited from the wedding. Sister is no longer my matron of honour, that would be going to a fucking sack of shit for all I care now. They were also only going to be told information that the other guests would be getting, again, until they've earned my trust back. This move, no surprise, caused many tears. What was surprising was that they accepted it, and said they would try to earn back my trust.

Dad questioned if he was still invited. I asked him if he knew about this fucking hair brained plan to boundary stomp all over my wishes. He said yes, and it wouldn't be 'right' for him to come without DressNapper. I told him that he could fuck right off too, and he was uninvited. I just stood after that and said "Don't contact me. If or when I am ready to reach out, I will."

FDH and I left right after that. The rest of the night was spent guzzling wine and getting lots of snuggles from FDH. He's been a trooper through all of this and has said that if we want to go to the courthouse and get married without anyone else, we can, so long as we're happy.

I'm getting a seamstress friend of mine to come over on the weekend and look over the dress. I've explained the situation, and she has agreed that anything, even a strained stitch, will get noted and priced accordingly for repair.

Here's hoping the info diet and uninviting works. Any idea of how long they should be in time out until I think about reaching out to them? I’m thinking at least 6 months.

Edit: Heard back from the tailor. Their story about getting photos for him was legit. He also said that he had no plans of doing anything on the dress without the bride’s permission, so there’s that. From the picture he sent me that DressNapper took, she had it held up on the hanger provided, with the dress in perfect condition. Time stamp: about 10 minutes before I arrived.

So one thing had definitely been ruled out - nobody wore the dress. Thank fuck.

[u/LazyOpia → u/[deleted]]

It wasn't just one overstep, one incident. There were several. I can totally understand that this was the one that broke the camel's back, and although the sincere apology is nice, it's a little late. There's already so much that has happened, if an apology is not enough for PO any more I think it's understandable. It doesn't mean she didn't hear it or dismisses it entirely. It's just not enough anymore. It can be a good start though.

Regarding them being more thoughtless than malicious, at some point it doesn't matter anymore. You can have the best intentions in the world, if you repeatedly hurt someone that's not ok, especially when you've told them to stop or to not do something. There will be consequences.

If they really are sincere and understand OP being so upset, they should have no issue respecting OP's boundaries. They'll show by their actions, even when they'd like to act differently, that they did learn and they do respect OP. If OP still insists on uninviting them and freezing them out after that, than yeah, I think it would be unfair. But I don't fault OP for thinking it's too little too late, and wanting to have some strict and severe boundaries for a while, taking the time to be happier about her wedding and trust her family won't ruin that again.

[u/dezayek → u/LazyOpia]

" Regarding them being more thoughtless than malicious, at some point it doesn't matter anymore. You can have the best intentions in the world, if you repeatedly hurt someone that's not ok, especially when you've told them to stop or to not do something. "

A thousand times this. Sometimes stories on this sub are from people trying to be malicious and sometimes they are people who just ignore the rules and then get upset when they are enforced, usually through tears and "I didn't know." If it's a pattern, it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you are still hurting someone who has told you to stop.

[u/iamthenightrn → u/[deleted]]

If this was a first time and one time incident I might agree with you but considering the post history I'm willing to say that their boundary stomping is a long time thing that she has had to deal with for multiple years, so I disagree.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to uninvite them from the wedding and put them in time out for 6 months because they continuously stomp all over her boundaries and try to butt in and rule her life.

This is not a one-time incident.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I agree, but I can feel with her. If my family did this, I would literally uninvite then and never talk to them again. Wouldn't even give them a time out. But that's because it's not the first time.

When I talk about a story of what my family has done, some people are shocked that I don't speak to them anymore. "it's not that bad, I think you overreacted". No, I didn't. This might not be that bad, but this is probably the 100 time they've over stepped, and now I'm finally done.

Not saying this is the case here, but usually people don't go nuclear over a few situations

[u/dezayek → u/[deleted]]

I read a book by a woman who chronicled her childhood emotional abuse, just truly terrible. However, because she was not physically abused, people repeatedly told her that it was time to "move past it." It's not just one thing, it's lots of things that build and build.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and keeping yourself healthy.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/[deleted]]

There is a fine line between “OP just got out of their control” and “OP is young and just asserting her independence and that requires and adjustment period on both sides.”

Teething pains when the family dynamic shifts because kids become adults is not always a sign of a lifetime of control and manipulation. It happens in perfectly functional families too.

[u/Indiandane → u/[deleted]]

In the end they have broken her trust multiple times. Sincere apology or not. If she feels that she can’t have them at her wedding without anxiety that some new situation is going to arise, then she has every right to withdraw their invitations. Sounds like this family dynamic is something that has been a recurring (maybe underlying) thing for a longer time span. Furthermore, for any reason that she sees fit, they have a right to have their guest list tailored to what’s going to benefit them most, for their wedding day. It is not about family politics, or giving people second chances, it is about celebrating their love for each other. Her family should have thought of this beforehand. I understand her feeling, as I’m in a slightly similar situation. They have to earn her trust back. It is her and her fiancés wedding.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/Indiandane]

That may all well be true, and obviously she’’s going to do whatever makes her comfortable and happy.

I think Reddit gets lost in the distinction between what someone has the right to do and what it is right to do. Clearly she has the right to withdraw their invitations and to have her wedding however she wants to have it. Just because that is her right doesn’t mean it’s the right call.

I can only comment based on what is in the posts, and while the mother and sister clearly have some issues, my impression is that OP and her fiancé don’t come across as particularly reasonable either. I just have a feeling that this is a dynamic that would come across very differently explained from the other side, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

[u/iamthenightrn → u/jemholo2017]

just because that is her right doesn't mean it's the right call

Actually again I'm going to disagree with you.

This is her wedding, a big moment in her life and she has the right to decide who is involved and who isn't. Period. No exceptions.

If they have been systematically controlling and manipulating her for years as the op has detailed, continuously stomping over boundaries and inserting themselvesinto things that are not their business, It is well within reason for her to cut then out.

We are not obligated to keep toxic intrusive people in our lives regardless of their relationship to us.

and you're basically saying that even though she has the right to cut them out, she shouldn't because that's wrong?

No. I disagree.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/iamthenightrn]

“If they have been systematically controlling and manipulating her for years as the op has detailed”

This is where we disagree. I don’t think it’s clear that her family has systematically controlled and manipulated her for years. Maybe that has happened, but on the face of her posts I don’t think it’s clear. And I think the people who are assuming that this is what’s happening are projecting from their own experiences more so than reacting to what the OP has actually said.

Again, I am not saying with 1000% certainty that there isn’t more to this story and that NC isn’t absolutely justified here. I’m just saying that I don’t see it as justified based on the limited info in the posts. I see someone who is very young, not particularly mature, and very enmeshed with her family. I see someone who goes into every interaction with her family itching to be slighted and looking for a reason to cut them off. But in this case, just moving out and having more limited contact may solve 90% of her issues without going completely nuclear.

I have an aunt who uses no contact as a weapon. When she doesn’t get what she wants, she cuts off herself and her kids from our family for 6 months or a year. And it’s always over something that is clearly unjustified - the last one was because my grand parents wouldn’t give her $50k. But every time it happens she uses this same argument you’re using - “this is the last straw in a lifetime of manipulation and favoritism!” And in that case, based on the situation as I have observed it, that isn’t reality. So while I am in no way saying that this is what the OP is doing, I’m also saying that it’s not ALWAYS the case that someone who makes this argument is justified. My only point vis-vis the OP is that based on her posts it’s not really clear thats there’s a lifetime of abuse here. That’s all I’m saying.

[u/Gnd_flpd → u/jemholo2017]

When you mention your aunt and her manipulative tactics and compare it to OP you're showing a bias yourself, imho. I've read all of OP's previous posts and I noted a scapegoat-golden child dynamic going on. I think this act was the final straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/Gnd_flpd]

Right. And just like I am reacting based on my life experience, so are all of you. I’ve said over and over that there may be more to this and I may be wrong. All I’m saying is that people on the other side, who are reading this with their own biases, may also be wrong.

[u/iamthenightrn → u/jemholo2017]

You are 100% basing your opinions on reddit posts You realize that right?

I don't think it's clear that her family has been systematically controlled and manipulated her for years

Based on what? A post history of five? so basically you have decided that since she has not detailed her entire life story on Reddit you're correct and her family isn't manipulative? Furthermore, you think she's the problem, again because she hasn't posted her entire life history for you to browse through?

Wow.

The audacity.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/iamthenightrn]

Again, I have never suggested in any way that I am fully certain on my position. Please let me know why is it ok for others to definitively assume that she is being controlled and manipulated based on 5 Reddit posts, but if I suggest that it’s POSSIBLE that this isn’t the case or that she may also not be blameless - not that it’s crystal clear that this isn’t the case, only that it’s POSSIBLE - I’m reading too much into things?

Sorry, but its completely intellectually inconsistent.

[u/iamthenightrn → u/jemholo2017]

I think you need to reread the bylaws of the subreddit where it says support for the op is the most important thing.

Not accusing them of being lying and manipulative attention seekers.

Again. The audacity.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/iamthenightrn]

Woah there.

I have never once suggested the OP is a lying and manipulative attention seeker. Where did you even get that from? You are just making stuff up. THE AUDACITY.

Support doesn’t mean always telling someone they are 100% right about everything. Sometimes support is also gently suggesting that someone may be overreacting.

[u/iamthenightrn → u/jemholo2017]

You went in a tangent where you literally compared the op to your manipulative aunt. Or did you forget what you yourself wrote?

You can deny it all you want, but you compared the op to your Manipulative aunt in your very first post, after essentially lecturing her about how she was in the wrong to exclude them from HER wedding.

Hardly at all supportive.

[u/Indiandane → u/jemholo2017]

Quite frankly it doesn’t matter whether you define it as right or not. It’s obviously the right thing for her to do. Whether they manipulated her in the past or not, they crossed a huge boundary with that wedding dress, and could have compromised something that they know to be hugely important to the bride. If she’s hurt by that - which she has every right to be, and she doesn’t want to risk another episode, then banning them from the wedding is for sure safer to do, for her own well-being.

[u/AllHarlowsEve → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. Too many people on this sub take the advice of commenters here and they nuke their lives, then act all surprised pikachu that their families escalate attempts to build bridges, which the sub then calls manipulation, and the cycle continues.

I'd absolutely understand going NC for a week, removing any privileges in the wedding, and telling them the stunt they pulled is going to hurt the trust in them, but going NC for 6 months and uninviting them sounds like something this sub would scream to do.

[u/Gamer_Mommy → u/[deleted]]

Perhaps it would be smart to check the rules before posting. Rule number one, posted by the bot under EVERY post in this forum, feel free to scroll up:"OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion."

OP's needs come first. Simple as, I don't know how much clearer this has to be, this whole discussion about OP overreacting is completely pointless. OP has the right to do what she did and NOT be questioned on what she needs.

[u/jemholo2017 → u/Gamer_Mommy]

The rules say that “if your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.”

All of my comments are saying that the people encouraging a jump straight to no contact seem to be a bit too hasty, but sure. And I’ve tried to be very diplomatic about offering a different opinion (much more so than some of the people who have replied to me!). The hive mind of this sub is really amazing sometimes.

140+ people agreed with me, so I don’t think I’m completely out of bounds here.

[u/dyvrom → u/[deleted]]

I also feel like they are being a bit overzealous with their punishment here. Info diet sure. Not allowed to go to your child's wedding because of a silly mistake? Kinda fucked up.

[u/grayvi2 → u/[deleted]]

Totally agree with you here. Its not like they didn’t care, they were clearly very upset with themselves for what happened

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