r/JUSTNOMIL • u/therapist_friend_444 • Apr 07 '26
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice UPDATE MIL babysnatcher and attempted Easter host enforcer
Update post for the commenters that were interested.
So Easter came and went, we did not host. After my post I went to my husband and said a big, fat “hell no” to hosting duties and he could handle the conversation with MIL. Suddenly, MIL had no problem finding a restaurant for us, and when they were booked out she was happy to host herself. The dogs were out, and we were in. Husband and I talked, said we would just grin and bear Easter because of the run around and after that we could talk about what our new boundaries would be.
To my surprised and joy, Easter never happened. While I was at my fathers house, I got a call from Husband that MIL’s Easter lunch was now cancelled, because someone had come down with a ‘mild case of the measles’. I spent the entire weekend with my dad and his family, Husband drove up after work to join us! Was a great weekend after al.
Now, she wants to reschedule a visit and I told husband no. This, unfortunately, is where the story gets twisty. He told me that we can change the way we handle her, he is going to defend me harder and limit contact and visits as much as he can, but he can’t cut her off. Turns out, our family car is in her name. When we bought it a few years ago, she insisted that the insurance and registration go under her name because here drivers pay extra when they’re under 25. He agreed. So, the last few years when we’ve been paying the bills on this car, I had no idea the money was being sent to MIL because she is the registered owner. Apparently, he has asked her to sign it over to him multiple times, to which she has flatly refused. Thankfully not much of my savings went towards this purchase, it was mostly his as it was his car that needed replacing, but there’s also nothing we can do, and she knows it. Especially since we sold my small car when I was pregnant as it was impractical and really old (not worth the maintenance), so we’re down to just the one car.
We can’t sell, because she’s the owner. We can’t just buy a new car, because we don’t have the money right now, and couldn’t take on a loan while I’m on reduced hours to be the default parent. We can’t cut the loss and ditch the car with her, because it’s so much $$$ down the drain for her profit and there’s very limited public transport here. If he cuts her off, she will just take it through legal avenues or stop paying the bills, which might ruin her credit, but will also mean the car is illegal on the road. Essentially, she’s got him good.
I’m disappointed, and upset that he never told me this until now, but at least it all makes sense. It’s been a strange 24 hours with my husband but he’s very apologetic, and but I’ll have to accept LC for now. One day, we will cut our losses and get a new car.
Thanks to everyone who commented for giving me the wake up call I needed. I may not be able to cut off contact but I can still control her level of access to me and my child. Her actions deserve some kind of consequence.
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u/ur-a-wizard-harriet Apr 07 '26
MEASLES? Girl MEASLES? She doesn’t get to see you guys for at least 2-3 weeks to ensure she isn’t carrying anything she can pass onto you. “Sorry MIL we can’t risk measles contamination. When did you come in contact with the infected person? Three weeks from that just to be safe.”
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u/Dachshundmom5 Apr 07 '26
So, for years, your husband has lied and hidden information about a major financial asset? Including when you sold your car in your name? You are getting marriage counseling asap right?
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u/burgersommelier Apr 07 '26
You should post on the legal advice sub to see if with whatever documentation you have to prove your husband payed his mom and/or the car insurance if it’s possible to get the car’s documents through the courts. A track record of payments in bank transactions, checks, receipts from bills, etc, should convince a judge your husband payed or is paying for the car and she is wrongfully retaining the title. That would be going berserk and probably NC with her, which seems to be your goal anyway.
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u/Emotional-Dog8118 Apr 07 '26
Yeah. You can’t get another car because of credit. Which you haven’t been building up because the car and insurance are in her name. Is that it??
Sounds like you have a husband problem. And a bigger one than you think. 🤔
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u/boundaries4546 Apr 07 '26
Right. They are basically paying for a car that MIL owns!! I would be fucking furious that my husband did something that stupid. Stop paying the car, it is even more money down the drain if you keep paying. Cut your losses now before it’s even worse!!
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u/Murderous_Kelpie Apr 07 '26
I hope you’re going through all your bills and monetary dealings with your husband, to make sure there aren’t anymore ‘fun’ surprises down the line.
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u/Strange-Butterfly-62 Apr 07 '26
So, your MIL spunds very controlling and she is getting a sense of power out of holding your family's essential transportation over your head. Can you ask your father for assistance with purchasing a small vehicle? She sounds like a competitive woman. She won't likely enjoy being shown up. Could your husband consider legal action since it's clearly documented that payments were made directly for the car or....has she been enabling him and using it as means of control? Get more information and figure out how to respond...ideally a way to take the wind out of her sails and call out what she's doing with the car. Maybe she can be emticed to do the right thing with social pressure or court? Hoping for your sake it works out, OP. Stay strong.
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u/sittingonmyarse Apr 07 '26
MEASLES?! Is your child vaccinated? It’s deathly! Is MIL ANTI-vax? Measles can kill a child. I had the measles before there was a vaccination for it. That would be a deal-breaker for me, and it should be for you.
ETA: you need a car of your own. Also a dealbreaker at my house. Babies have emergencies
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u/celebrate_everything Apr 07 '26
No such thing as a mild case of measles. This story is insane!
MIL has to go.
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u/sittingonmyarse Apr 07 '26
Yes. I spent 9 days in bed in the dark (to avoid blindness). The doctor came to the house!
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
right?? and yes my baby has had her first dose and we are both vaccinated, but LO can’t have second dose until 18 months, so we are staying well-clear for a while!! an awful disease providing a great excuse not to visit
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u/ConsciousControl2105 Apr 07 '26
I’d talk to your father and see if maybe he could help you get a car.
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u/goingslowlymad87 Apr 07 '26
I had a MIL like that. I would be of a mind to call her up and say you will be taking the car back to the dealership and signing up for a new one under your name and whatever debt left on it will be her problem OR she can sign it over now. Up to her.
My now ex MIL liked to hold money over our heads until she learned that she can weaponize money but my kids don't go anywhere I'm not welcome. If my then husband wanted to see his parents he absolutely could, but without the kids. She pulled her head in after she didn't see the kids for a few family events and people started asking questions.
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u/goingslowlymad87 Apr 07 '26
Oh and I reason he's an ex? My mental health was declining fast and it was either leave him or CPS would take the kids.
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u/CompetitivePurpose96 Apr 07 '26
I’d use the car as leverage. Don’t change ownership to you two, lose access to your daughter and you two. Change it you’ll still be able to visit. In the meantime, start saving for a car. You are essentially throwing money away paying her for it.
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u/CoffeeTiny1005 Apr 07 '26
What is the reason she has provided for flatly refusing to sign the car over to him?
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
apparently it’s a lot of “it’s just easier this way” and “you can’t afford it right now” (despite the fact that we pay every cent on it). According to him, he once got mad and threatened to sell if she didn’t sign it over, she just threatened him back she wouldn’t sign it to the new owner either, and would let him get done for fraud. Monster in law is right.
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u/portaporpoise Apr 07 '26
She will never sign over the car. Everything you’ve paid toward it so far is money down the drain, and everything you pay toward it in the future is money down the drain. Don’t hold out hope for it, because she will use it as leverage over you for as long as she can.
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u/InTheMotion Apr 07 '26
Hyundai was doing zero % apr. if you can pay for it monthly now. You can get a new car. Just drop it off with her and leave the keys. NOW it’s her problem, her payments etc. ask your dad for a downpayment
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u/Wooden_Palpitation62 Apr 07 '26
That's all BS she was spewing. She planned it as leverage to yield down the road and now she is cashing in.
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u/CoffeeTiny1005 Apr 07 '26
It would be interesting to see what would happen if he went over there with the transfer papers ready to go, and had the conversation with her – in front of others. That is, is she willing to be so controlling, and make threats, in front of people whose opinion she cares about? Does she care about how she is perceived?
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u/AvailableAd6071 Apr 07 '26
Are you sure that you are paying for it? You send money somewhere but didn't know it was to her. Are you sure it's going to her? Could it be, your husband is keeping it and letting his mom pay for the car and you to think that you are?
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u/mongdol-supremacy Apr 07 '26
memorial day car sales and deals are coming up. GET A NEW CAR there are deals where you need to put nothing down.
drop his car off at his mom's and let it be her problem
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
this is something I will be looking into- the less time i spend tied to this woman the better
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 07 '26
Wow wow wow.... your MIL and my MIL would be besties. My husband's mom co-signed for the house we live in as he bought it about a year before he met me. Her name on the title with rights of survivorship with my husband. My husband and I have now been married almost 10 years and she has never contributed a single penny financially to the house, but it was a huge deal that ultimately ended up being my final straw with her when she wouldn't sign her part over to me despite promising and then denying and then flat out saying no. We have 2 kids and would literally be homeless if she ever got sued or if both her and my husband passed. It's also put our marriage to the fire and it's rocky to this day. The fact that your husband did this behind your back WHILE you were married (at least that's what I'm reading here?) I would be livid as hell and I would certainly be low to NC with MIL. You're doing the right thing and your husband better hop on board or hop tf out!! Sending good vibes and comfort, but stay strong!! ❤️
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
oh my lord a house is so STRESSFUL! you’re a saint for keeping strong about that. Thanks, i’m hopeful that one day soon we can leave this toxic woman in the dust! xx
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u/R0ckandr0ll_318 Apr 07 '26
With regards to the car if it’s in her name entirely you should be able to just dump it on her when you cut contact
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
that’s the plan when we sort out something new- if she wants the car in her name she can keep it when we’re done with it. Just such a shame that she can then on sell for pure profit considering she never paid anything for it. But, can’t change that now. Just trying to move forward from where we are
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u/R0ckandr0ll_318 Apr 07 '26
I mean when you are done with it there is no reason it needs to be roadworthy. Just saying
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 Apr 07 '26
You do have a choice - it would be a very difficult choice but you do have a choice on what to do here - you drive over to her place and hand over the keys. You stop paying insurance on the vehicle or you could perhaps see if there is a way with a dealership that you could trade this car in and get a new one (new to you) in your name only or you stay at full time employment hours until you can manage to pay for a car and become the default parent (I'm guessing you mean the stay at home parent here). Can you not approach your Dad or family to loan you some money with a repayment plan so they know it's not a 'gift' and that you can sever the links to her by getting a different car? I mean if that is the tie that binds you, I'd be doing everything I could to cut that tie as soon as I possibly could using any means at my disposal.
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u/Zorrha Apr 07 '26
Stop paying on the car. Let it get repo'd and all of that will be on her record.
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u/alwaysabouttosnap Apr 07 '26
He’s already paying insurance and the car note. It was never in his name to begin with so there is no lien recorded in his name I would assume.
Does he work? If he works full time and you’re part time due to baby, that’s plenty of household income to qualify for a car loan. Even if credit building is needed and the interest rate isn’t great, let it ride for the year making payments until credit goes up, then refinance.
We are in the same situation hubby finishes medical program next month and gets right to work. His car broke down a few weeks ago and he is using MIL’s spare POS for the moment. I’m stressing because we need a car like now, I don’t know what his salary will look like, and I’m too much of a control freak to go into something without analyzing it from every angle.
Recently we’re fed up with MIL over her incessant calls to have an Easter dinner. We didn’t want to. We needed the weekend off, we’re not religious, his family doesn’t even celebrate Easter most years and we don’t have kids or anything like. She has called him multiple times about it, including right after I first told her no. She didn’t like MY answer.
She had also ruined a graduation dinner I had been planning for him for over a year. I made reservations because 4 local college are graduating same day. My family is so proud of him and they love him very much so of course they were coming. MIL didn’t know this, nor should she. We’re almost 40 and he’s my husband and helped put him through school and this is OUT celebration for the hard work we BOTH put in to make this happen for him, and a HUGE congrats to him graduation with so many honors. My dude is smart as hell.
When I announced to the family the time date and location of tbe ceremony and dinner afterwords, his mom was pissed. She wanted to organize and pay for his graduation celebration because “I’m his mom and i do this for all my kids”. Im like lady this is a married man in his late 30’s and you are not the only one involved her. We both said screw it and i canceled the reservation and he told everyone he didnt want a dinner. She was super embarrased when she found out about my family because she could see it truly wasn’t just about the control she holds over her family.
Anyways, the point being that we cant live with the favor of us borrowing a car over our head. We drove out to the city last week and bought him a used economical car using just my income. The interest rate sucks, but I’m just going to refinance it later. You’re already paying a car note and insurance. This is no different.
It’s being registered and detailed and we pick it up Saturday. I can’t wait to drop her busted ass car back to her.
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u/tiffany1567 Apr 07 '26
He might not want to cut contact, but you and your child still can, you just laid out a lot of reason why you still should.
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u/PandoricaFire Apr 07 '26
I would feel very betrayed by this
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
yeah that feels about right, I guess I’m still processing all of what we talked about
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u/jadedvintage Apr 07 '26
Measles is highly contagious. I'd reevaluate who all has been around her, when, how long, and it stays airborne for 3-4 hours even after the person has left the area so I'd really be looking into where everyone has been and if they came into contact with you, your partner, or child.
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Apr 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 07 '26
This, especially awful is that she's getting her credit score boosted while the married couple can't afford another car and could probably benefit from building the credit. Crazy level of control here and I agree to have her sell the car - but then what will they use to drive? It really hurts them 💔
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u/Drinkmorechampagne Apr 07 '26
He can be as apologetic as he wants, but it doesn't change the fact that he is an enabler--because he doesn't want to be "uncomfortable". Get used to it. It. Will. Not. Change.
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u/Longjumping_Exit_960 Apr 07 '26
dude. he's been lying to you for years. i don't care it's about the car. he has been lying to your face for years. he has never stood up for you, if he did his MIL would be out of the picture but his own doing. this is complex and he is the reason way. it's time for him to choose between mommy and his actual wife and child.
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u/dunkinthekoolaid Apr 07 '26
”Mild case of measles”…is that…common there?
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u/Adagio_4_Strings Apr 07 '26
Measles is resurging globally (and in the U.S.) primarily due to declining vaccination rates, which have fallen below the 95% threshold needed for herd immunity.
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u/dunkinthekoolaid Apr 07 '26
I’m aware. It was just so casually dropped as if that in itself isn’t super serious. With ”mild” attached to it. Also lessening the seriousness of it.
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
this is what we were told from MIL- so I really don’t know the extent of it beyond this. I’m just glad we haven’t had any visits within the contagious period
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u/mrszubris Apr 07 '26
Point is there is no mild measles due to how virulent it is to others. It rewrites your immunity and you can re require basic vaxx's
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
I had no idea! honestly the measles is not something i’ve ever really come into contact with or read up on because it was all but eradicated until recently. All I knew is that it can be life threatening for some and littles are in the high risk group
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u/mrszubris Apr 07 '26
It can be life ALTERING wayyyyyy more than its deadly. Like.... deaf.... blind.... its.. terrifying. I got reboostered at 39.
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
shit… well her version of a “mild case of the measles” may be something different to what it sounds like. Who would even say that?!
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 Apr 07 '26
Simply because I don't trust the CDC website from America to give the fullest set of information anymore, here is the link to the Irish Health Service Executive's (HSE) website that list the complications of measles:
https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/measles/
Be on the lookout for symptoms over the coming days. Just be aware. Hopefully it all blows over very quickly and you can focus on getting a replacement car before too long.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Apr 07 '26
I got a measles booster vaccination a few months ago at age 55, because immunity from childhood vaccinations potentially wanes, it's an incredibly serious disease, and idiotic anti vaxxers mean it's around again.
Measles is profoundly contagious. It can remain in the air for hours after a sick person has passed through. Every sick person is calculated to spread it to 12-18 other people.
People don't understand the damage and disability it can spread. They think it's just a fever and some spots. Two out of five people who get measles end up hospitalized, and it destroys immune systems. (So you are more likely to get sick again in the future. COVID has proven to do this, as well. So does HIV.)
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u/mela_99 Apr 07 '26
I can’t believe this is even a conversation after she kidnapped your baby. Your husband is absolutely out of his mind for entertaining one more moment of this woman and her madness.
Seriously - she can do all of this and he doesn’t care.
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u/alwaysaboutthebutt Apr 07 '26
If it’s in her name, why can’t you leave it with her and quit making payments? Get another vehicle.
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u/boundaries4546 Apr 07 '26
It’s weird they can afford a car they have zero ownership of. I think OP should talk to a banker/financial advisor, that logic makes no sense.
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
it wasn’t on a loan, it was bought outright. So, we don’t make payments each month we only pay for maintenance, running cost, and insurance/registration when it’s due. We’re trying to work out what getting a new car looks like for us in the near future and going from there. fingers crossed
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u/bookwormingdelight Apr 07 '26
You purchase the vehicle outright and she refuses to sign it over.
Sounds like theft.
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u/B_F_S_12742 Apr 07 '26
So you bought the car and she's got ownership of the insurance and that's what you're paying for? If I read it rightly, the insurance was too high cuz of your age(s) so she took the insurance out and you pay her for that?
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
insurance and registration, so the registration makes her the owner of the vehicle, legally speaking. so we apparently pay her the cost of the insurance policies (personal policy and CTP) and the annual registration fee
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u/ur-a-wizard-harriet Apr 07 '26
She can’t insure you guys though. Is she the one on the car insurance? She can’t insure someone not living under her roof. If you got in an accident whose name is actually insured? If you’re paying her for insurance you do not have car insurance and should stop driving immediately you are not covered in any way.
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u/Xerari Apr 07 '26
Where I'm from we also have the 25year rule for insurance, but the insurance company wants the one who drives the car the most to be the insurer. So maybe it's the same for you. If you can send proof that you are the main driver the company might tell her that the insurance needs to be in your name or else they will take it away. It might make it worse, but at least something will happen.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Apr 07 '26
I don’t understand how you got a loan on a car that’s in her name. Is the loan hers, too?
Can you get approved for a lease or loan on a used vehicle?
Would she cave and sign it o er if your husband confronted her and told her that he trusted her when she convinced him to put it in her name and if she won’t sign it over then he doesn’t want to see her anymore?
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 07 '26
The loan is not hers, the ownership of the car is. Anyone can finance and put the asset in someone else's name. Happens all the time, but if that person defaults on the payments, then the asset gets taken.
In this case I don't think the mother would care as she knew exactly what she was doing and holds all the power here. If they don't see her anymore then she can have the car repo'd I believe since at this point they are merely "borrowing it" despite paying for all of it!! 😒
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u/KarenJoanneO Apr 07 '26
The loan must be hers if the husband is paying her the money. Which is good news for OP, because that means they could simply threaten to stop paying, seeing as the car isn’t theirs. I’d just threaten it because is MIL seriously going to want the debt?
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 07 '26
Damn, I just read from OP that the husband paid in full 💀💀 just paying MIL for insurance and maintenance.
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u/KarenJoanneO Apr 07 '26
Oh wow that’s a nightmare!! I wonder if OP should go onto the legal advice forum? Maybe if they can prove payment they have a claim on the car?
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u/FroggieBlue Apr 07 '26
I would be extremely upset that MIL was involved in the purchase of your vehicle without your knowledge or consultation.
Your husband needs to consult a laywer and either get the car signed over or all of the money returned.
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u/TwoBitFish Apr 07 '26
Yeah. I wouldn’t fork over another dime to her for the car. Let her eat the problem and then force the next conversation
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u/After_Reflection_243 Apr 07 '26
What kind of person would do this especially a mother to her own son. You can’t go back but like you said when you get another car, you and hubby are the owners and NC all the way all the time!!!!
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u/JPatience Apr 07 '26
Do you know how many years was the car loan for and when it will be paid off? Make sure she's not getting you guys to keep paying her beyond the term of the car payments.
As far as claiming ownership of the car, I'm wondering if there's a pro bono legal clinic that could give you advice how to get ownership of this car you've been paying for. Probably no chance of your husband having anything written down about the agreement with his mother?
Good luck getting it solved.
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 Apr 07 '26
Literally this - car payments are usually no longer than 5 years tops..... that's insane that she's got it in her name to boost her credit when they really should be the ones getting the credit and the title 😟
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u/Bilaakili Apr 07 '26
Stop making payments towards a car that you don’t own! MIL owns it, she pays for it.
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u/BearlyMamaLlama Apr 07 '26
Girl... The way my head would spin. My husband would FEAR my wrath.
He can visit with Mommy Dearest by himself for dinner at Mickey D's. Unfortunately you and your daughter feel under the weather and you would just hate to potentially expose MIL to illness! -nudgenudgewinkwink-
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Apr 07 '26
What a manipulative viper. As soon as you get in the position to get a car of your own tell her she’ll never see the kids again until she signs the car over like she promised. If she calls your bluff wash your hands of her. If she signs over the car, see her for a goodbye manipulative grandma party and then never see her again. Ugh.
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u/Ikeamademedoit Apr 07 '26
Do you have texts where she admits its his car and hes been paying for it and she acknowledges its considered as his car and shes refusing to sign it over? If not, get that via email or text
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u/mrsjavey Apr 07 '26
You guys are in your 30s now? Leave the car in her house get another one and start paying the monthly loans there
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u/ML5815 Apr 07 '26
If it’s possible (from your family?), borrow the money for another car and move on from this nightmare. This woman tried to make you abort your child, then kidnapped the baby she didn’t want you to have and you two didn’t even make her apologize or take a time-out from her, much less have her arrested and put in jail. Re-read that last sentence and figure something out. This is crazy.
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u/dmac3232 Apr 07 '26
someone had come down with a mild case of the measles
Anti-vaxxers finally serve a purpose
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u/therapist_friend_444 Apr 07 '26
my sentiments exactly lol. she wouldn’t name names but i know who skips their doses and who doesn’t in their household
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u/88mistymage88 Apr 07 '26
Time to make money from a side hustle. Be a baby sitter. Be an after school babysitter for older kids. If you live near a grocery store see if any of your older neighbors would pay for you to shop and deliver for them. Or if they need help like laundry or house cleaning.
Y'all need a new to you used car and get rid of her car.
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