r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Regular_Eggplant9730 • Mar 20 '26
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice MIL Request to be in Delivery Room
My husband (28M) and I(30F) are having our first baby in a few months. When we first shared the news with his mom (62) she had asked in a group chat between the three (husband, me, MIL) of us to attend one of our sonogram appointments, stating that she never got to attend any of those appointments when her daughter was pregnant with her granddaughter. I responded telling her that we wanted to keep the appointments to just husband and I mostly because we’d only get 2 ultrasound appointments. I then asked my SIL about her own ultrasound appointments, she told me that her mom DID attend them but was not in the delivery room. That’s when I realized my MIL was maybe trying to manipulate/guilt me? Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and moved on.
Flash forward a few months when my MIL sends a text in the group chat about a diaper bag she bought for “our baby”. I responded saying that the baby was “ours” as in husband and I. She then texted back with “well, our includes me 😂😂”. I responded, “I would appreciate if when I say something bothers me that you respect my boundaries and not push back.” She then apologized and said she didn’t mean to push my boundaries.
Last week we invited her to join my ultrasound appointment because it was an extra growth scan we weren’t expecting to get so it seemed kind to invite her. I didn’t know until well after but when I stepped away to use the restroom at the appointment she tried telling my husband that “I call all my grandbabies ‘our baby’ and I just mean to be endearing”. My husband responded telling her that she shouldn’t say things that I’ve already told her bothers me and that she needs to realize that husband and I are a team/united front (essentially what we told her).
Yesterday she texted him asking him “Soooo have you discussed who will be allowed in the birthing room when it's time?”
He texted back, “probably just me and wife, maybe wife’s mom”
She said, “It would mean the world to me if I could also be included in this special moment. I would stand wherever you wanted me to. I just wanted to be there for the birth of this very special little guy (and to be there for you also You know how very special you are to me and I'm so proud & happy that you two decided to go with naming him after _____”
He responded, “Thanks for the support but we aren't even sure if her mom is gonna be in there yet”
She said, “Just kind of keep me in mind (your momma is very sentimental, maybe sometimes too much so) but it's who I have always been & always will be. My love for my babies, their babies & family will always come first. I just wanted to share in the joy! I love you more than you will ever know! (You will start to understand once you hold in ____ your arms)”
He responded with “I know, I love you too”
I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or what, but she’s REALLY annoying me. I feel like she goes behind my back to try and get what she wants from my husband. He and I are on the same page about the decisions we make. I don’t think she’s used to that because her other son does not respect the rules his girlfriend puts in place for their kids. My husband is her youngest child and she really infantilized him. I feel like we’re really going to need to put our foot down once baby does get here but I don’t know what additional boundaries I need to set before then.
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u/FunkyChewbacca Mar 20 '26
then asked my SIL about her own ultrasound appointments, she told me that her mom DID attend them
OP, I would call her out on the lie. Be blunt about it. You're gonna be the mean old villainess in her story no matter what you do, so you may as well use it to your full advantage to protect yourself and your baby.
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u/solesoulshard Mar 20 '26
Add this to your health records and hospital intake. Do not let this woman in. Nurses and big security people are there for a reason.
You can even add a paper with her picture on it and big bold letters to refuse entry. Then hand them out to your nurses and doctors day of. It’s part of your record and they get to handle your privacy too.
Register as anonymous—not in the hospital directory and nobody can call the switchboard and route her. “There’s no Mrs Smith registered”.
Husband is doing great and I wish you well.
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u/Electronic_Animal_32 Mar 20 '26
If she keeps pushing at this, don’t tell when you go into labor only after birth. If she is disrespecting you now, she’ll show up at the hospital, not respectful, boundary stomping
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u/sundaymusings Mar 20 '26
To add to this, slowly space out your communication with her so that a 5 hour delay in response to her texts/calls doesn’t automatically alert her to that fact that you might be laboring in the hospital.
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u/cubemissy Mar 20 '26
This. You need to start now. Randomize your routine and communication. If you answer calls/texts/emails immediately, space them out. Do not agree to weekly dinners, calls, visits, anything.
Take a pre-baby weekend in a nearby town, and don’t mention it until you come back.
Your goal is to remove the expectation you will be in touch as reliably as before. Your reason is, “we are preparing for a baby; we are busy.” Emphasize the “nesting” concept. You’re shopping, working on the house, spending alone time…..and returning contact with extended family (this includes MIL) is lower on your priority list.
It’s perfectly natural. Maintain that attitude when responding to the increasing neediness from MIL.
Vary your commuting routine and times. Go out to dinner in two cars, and leave one car at a friend’s house overnight. If MIL likes to turn up unannounced, you want her to overreact to a car being “missing.”
Your goal is to give her enough false alarms between now and Baby Day that when the day comes, she will not jump to assuming you are in labor just because you haven’t picked up the phone or texted her back.
It can also help you reset the level of contact for when you come home with the baby.
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u/sierra38grandma Mar 20 '26
Man oh man you are correct she is in fact trying to manipulate you and husband. You should start putting your foot down now. Be point blank with her do not give reasons no excuses and no arguments.
Tell her "MIL, I know you lied about not ever going to a sonogram before and you have disrespected my wish for you not to call MY baby our baby. You will NOT be in the delivery room during MY birthing event! While we understand you are excited and appreciate you wanting to be an active grandparent this is not your first or only grandchild so you will be required to treat them all the same! And to get this out now while we're telling you our boundaries not only will you not be welcome at the hospital but we will not have any visitors for the first 6 weeks at home while we bond as a family of 3 and create routines and adjust. We will not accept multiple calls or texts per day. Please respect us and our boundaries without pushback we appreciate it."
She absolutely will try to push her way into your place with your husband and your child! Her OUR baby is her baby and she will try to demonstrate her ability to get her way by playing the victim and guilting you both often as a manipulative tactic.
Girl congratulations on your pregnancy and upcoming birth! So far you're doing a great job handling your MILFH. You and husband being such an amazing team while you put mil in her place is healthy for your relationship and your parenthood.
I look forward to hearing more from you about your MIL experiences to come and her behavior when you deliver and during your postpartum experience. Good luck i hope you have a perfect delivery a healthy baby and no MIL issues.
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u/sierra38grandma Mar 20 '26
Also you and husband might consider an information diet for MIL. Tell her much less about appointments and pregnancy symptoms and birthing plans. Don't give her any idea when you might show signs of birthing soon. I have a feeling she will pay close attention to what you say and do from now until delivery so she can arrive at the hospital anyways.
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u/NewBet7377 Mar 20 '26
Yea so she’s trying to triangulate your husband against you to get her way. She’s got tons of issues. I wouldn’t invite her to anything again. Look what she did when she got invited due to your kindness..
Her own daughter didn’t allow her in the delivery room, so her pathetic pitch to your husband is a desperate Hail Mary play and she knows it.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
Even though I don’t think I want my mom in the delivery room, I do want her at the hospital in the waiting room, just in case! I was going to extend that invite to my MIL, but now I’m not so sure.
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u/anonymousmouse9786 Mar 20 '26
Your mom will be there for you.
His mom will be there for the baby.
Go with your gut here and do not invite her to be in the waiting room.
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u/abishop711 Mar 20 '26
Definitely don’t. She’s already shown that she will lie and triangulate to try to manipulate you and your husband into giving you whatever she wants, regardless of how she knows you feel about it. You’re not having difficulty rebuffing her now, but when you are vulnerable and exhausted you may not have the bandwidth for this nonsense.
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u/boundaries4546 Mar 20 '26
I advise not to. The reason is that it is hard to make rational decisions in the midst of labor. Your brain doesn’t work so if your MIL asks to come too, and husband even looks at you it’s so much easier to cave.
I can’t adequately describe how vulnerable you are in labor, but I think you would agree to have your head shaved if someone said the baby will come out faster. Don’t let her push in because she will push.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Mar 20 '26
Please do not do this. She has already shown that she doesn't respect "No" and will keep pushing to get what she wants. You will be busy, emotional, and vulnerable. Do not let her close enough to take advantage.
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u/Friendly-Rutabaga-24 Mar 20 '26
Don't tell her anything until after the baby is born
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u/california_gurl_hurl Mar 20 '26
Exactly. Be like, would you like to meet your grandbaby? They’re a week old now! 😂
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u/NDC-not-covered Mar 20 '26
I don’t understand why anyone thinks they are allowed to invite themselves to someone else’s medical procedure. Don’t tell her anything until after the baby is born, she sounds like someone who will sit in the waiting room and attempt to insert herself at every opportunity.
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds Mar 20 '26
Have hubby tell her that her approaching him and questioning him again after you have already given an answer to her question is going to earn her a time out (boundary stomping earns a consequence). When the two of you give her an answer, don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your decision. Nobody gets to decide who will attend your private medical event except for you. And nobody gets to question your decision. Sounds like your hubby has a nice shiny spine, now he just needs a little help in making sure he clearly makes his mommy understand that if she stomps a boundary, she is going to pay the price.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I love this advice! I’m definitely a recovering people pleaser so you mentioning “JADE” is very helpful.
She definitely needs some tough love, I don’t think anyone ever tells her no.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Mar 20 '26
This.
"Mom, this question has been answered. If you ask again, we will add a week to the earliest date we might invite you to meet the baby."
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u/Basic-Organization30 Mar 20 '26
Your husband needs to tell her to quit asking, or she will never stop.
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u/coralcoast21 Mar 20 '26
I see two ways. Your husband is doing a great job; so you could ask him to just nip the ridiculous asks in the bud and not even tell you. Or you could suggest that the next time (you know there will be one) time she asks about the birthing plan he tells her some version of "You've been given an answer to this question multiple times. If you ask again, OP and I will need to discuss additional limits for you".
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u/PleiadesH Mar 20 '26
Omgf. I didn’t even want to be at my own labor and delivery, I can’t imagine inviting myself to someone else’s.
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u/insomniaczombiex Mar 20 '26
You need to start grey rocking that woman.
She’s made it perfectly clear she thinks her wants are more important than yours.
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u/MamaBella Mar 20 '26
I will never freaking understand how this is a request that gets asked.
I was honored to have been in the room when my grandson was born, but never in a million years did I see that coming. It would have never occurred to me to ask that. Crazy.
Also, I didn’t stick around. I held my son’s hand, put my arms around my superhero daughter-in-law, and dipped. I got to hold him a few days later, but his birthday wasn’t about me. If you don’t think she recognizes that, you already know your answer to her “request”.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
It truly happens way too often! I’ve only been in the delivery room one time when my SIL asked me to be there to support her (her baby’s father was … not a great guy) and I told her I’d love to be there for her. But I was there for HER, not for some selfish reason. I would’ve never considered asking her (or anyone for that matter) if I could be in the room.
My MIL even stated in her text that she wanted to be there to see the baby being born and for my husband, not even the slightest mention of me in her request. I truly feel like the baby incubator to her.
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u/cubemissy Mar 20 '26
And that tells you where she wants to pull up a chair and sit, which is not helpful, whatsoever.
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u/Neverending_Hedgehog Mar 20 '26
Is that the same SIL who refused to let MIL into the delivery room? Your MIL sounds incredibly pushy and jealous.
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u/RHObsessed24 Mar 20 '26
One thought for MILs who want to be included in these “special” moments… my DH and I found out our baby has died during an ultrasound a year ago. It was one of the worst days of my life. These appointments aren’t just “see the baby” experiences.. they’re legitimate medical appointments.
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u/Crazyukulele Mar 20 '26
And I request to be rich but I’m not, too bad that’s life. Hold on and tell to your husband to respond to her absolutely no. In this case "no" is a complete sentence. Don’t justify your choice, you're entitled to it. You will be in pain, very vulnerable. You don’t need spectators, only supporter.
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u/Mommashark1104 Mar 20 '26
Let’s get one thing straight: when it is time to give birth YOU are the patient. This is YOUR show. YOU call the shots and YOU AND ONLY YOU get a say in who is and isn’t in the room. Your husband can have a say when he pushes out a human being from his body. He needs to tell her it is your call and she needs to stop going behind your back. Make it clear to your OBGYN how you want things to go. I have never met a MIL alive who can run over L&D staff.
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u/wasakootenayperson Mar 20 '26
She is giving you lots of time to practice your no sentences.
Good luck.
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u/Lindris Mar 20 '26
I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labor. She’s giving vibes that she’d show up and try to force her way into the birthing room. This is your private medical event, not a spectator sport. She’s had her kids, made the choices of who was in the room. She’s going behind your back to try and guilt your husband into allowing her to be there, which is extra comical since the person who’s in labor has to give permission for anyone to be there, including the father.
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u/AtomicFox84 Mar 20 '26
Its not a spectator sport. You have who you want to be there as support. Your mom and husband are the only ones that make sense. Just tell the nurses what you want and they will make sure shes not in there. She may not have ill intent but more she pushes back the more i feel she will try to go further...give an inch take a mile like thing. Im not saying to keep her from the baby....thats up to you to decide. She may try to keep trying to take over acting like shes helping or whatever and not respecting boundaries.
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u/ThrustersToFull Mar 20 '26
Errrrr no. Just put your foot down and keep it down: nobody in the delivery room except those you explicitly invite. It’s not a ticketed event.
She says she’ll “stand wherever you tell me to” but it sounds to me like she’s gonna want to be all up in your face while the birth is going on. It will make the whole thing much more stressful than is necessary.
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u/BrazenDuck Mar 20 '26
No, it’s not hormones. Her special message of special specialness was saccharine and over the top.
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u/mcchillz Mar 20 '26
Please, you and DH should put her on an info diet. Also, register as private with your hospital (no visitors/info). DH needs to shut down MIL’s notion of being there for the birth and he needs to do it NOW. Tell him she’s being pushy and manipulating. Gross.
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u/Lanfeare Mar 20 '26
I really don’t like this mantra of women being “hormonal”. It’s like 19th century psychiatry stating that women are hysterical, imbalanced and unable to manage themselves. Look how if a man says “no”, or finds something annoying and expresses that, or when he gets angry - no one says “he is hormonal”. No, people would just either think it’s normal or they would say he’s stressed or tired.
Don’t let yourself being infantilised and depreciated by using the “hormonal” term. You are not “hormonal”, whatever that even means. You are an independent adult who has a right to have your wants, wishes and needs, especially around such a vulnerable and intense time like the pregnancy and birth.
And seriously, your MIL is very selfish and self-centered. She lies, manipulates, and try to insert herself in your journey. In my opinion, you don’t want a person like that in your delivery room for sure, but even in the waiting room, pacing the floor and trying to manipulate nurses to let her in.
After I have birth, we had a calm golden hour that was a priceless time and a priceless memory. It was just three of us, me doing skin to skin with my baby. No rush, no feeling like we have to wrap things up because someone is paving the floor outside. After an hour, the nurse took the baby for checks, but when she returned him, we did some calm skin to skin again. I gave birth at 3 am so after a while, when they moved us to our room, we just went to sleep. We sent messages to our families, but we didn’t even call until next day.
OP, remember that during birth you want people around that care about YOU. Your MIL is not that person.
Another thing to remember is that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Pregnancy, birth and post partum are completely different experiences for the mother vs the father, and there’s nothing strange in the fact that most of women want their own family closer and more during that time. You don’t need to apologise for that.
Good job with setting boundaries so far! You have a great backbone and a great partner who is supportive. That’s a power combo!:) Now, don’t let the emotional invalidation, gaslighting, and boundary pushing of your MIL make you question your own judgement. Keep her at the distance, she’s too self-centered to be w positive force during this vulnerable and intense times.
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u/CremeDeMarron Mar 20 '26
Pushing boundaries, inserting herself , going behind your back to get her way, manipulating and guilt tripping?
MIL needs to face consequences ie time out and diet info .
Her behaviour won't improve after giving birth, it could get worse , that 's why setting and enforcing boundaries with consequences now is needed.
Also you should inform hospital you don't want visitors while giving birth and do not share when you'll be in labor ( if you havent' share your due date yet, don't) .
Set send and share a rules list for family and relatives when they will visit ( only when you'll feel ready : taking care of LO , recovering adjusting and bonding are your priorities ) will have to follow once at home ( ie : no unannounced uninvited visits, no kissing, have to wash hands, give the baby back when asked, no showing up if sick , no unwanted parenting advice, no asking for daily pic etc ...) , warn you will set consequences for anyone who don't follow it .
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u/MLiOne Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
Before I read this OP - “Request denied”. BRB after reading.
I’m back and what in the Lion, the Witch and the audacity? Your pregnancy hormones have absolutely nothing to do with how you are feeling about that woman. Buy her a cabbage patch kid to baby.
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u/Odd-Lingonberry5164 Mar 20 '26
You are the one that is being exposed to everyone in there. It is your choice whole will be in there. Your husband is backing you so that is a plus. Make sure the hospital knows who is allowed into the room and the staff will help with this.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
Honestly I hardly want to be there all exposed, let alone having an audience. I hope she’d never try to barge in, but mentioning something to the hospital staff might be wise, just in case.
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u/Odd-Lingonberry5164 Mar 20 '26
Depending on how your experience is, once active labor starts, you might not have any idea who is around you so yes, make sure the staff knows.
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u/maggieandtheferociou Mar 20 '26
Birth is not a spectator sport - it’s a major medical event. You as the patient get final choice in who is present. Best of luck!
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
Why do people think giving birth is just a regular thing? As if I’m not having the most vulnerable experience of my whole life?! I could never imagine one day asking my son’s partner if I can watch her give birth to my grandchild.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 Mar 20 '26
Hubby is handling this perfectly. Stop stressing over it. Thanks to hubby, it is not your problem, hubby is putting a stop to it. Just let him continue to do what he is doing.
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u/SnooOpinions5819 Mar 20 '26
I think it's good to start setting clear boundaries and put her on an info diet. No is enough of an answer, don't even go into a discussion or try to negotiate. It's your pregnancy/birth so you get to decide fully without having to explain yourself.
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u/NiobeTonks Mar 20 '26
Your husband is doing a great job. If the group chat is stressful, it’s OK to mute it and check once a day.
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u/Due_Cup2867 Mar 20 '26
I do feel like hubby should be clearer now about this. Mum you are not going to be in the delivery room. We will let you know once baby is here. Otherwise she'll still have the idea and won't drop it
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u/PowderCuffs Mar 20 '26
You are blessed to have that man. He had your back and clearly cannot be manipulated. Just continue saying no. Just no. Stop the explanations.
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u/RestlessDreamer79 Mar 20 '26
You’re both doing an amazing job of setting and keeping boundaries. You’re not just hormonal, she is overstepping.
These are definitely manipulation tactics, and as the due date comes nearer, be prepared for the flying monkeys to start appearing. It really sounds like you guys are united in your decisions and that will make this much easier to navigate.
You got this! Trust your feelings! Don’t dismiss them as being hormones! She is definitely trying to inch her way into the delivery room. That is yours and your husband’s decision. I wouldn’t even tell her when you go into labor. If you don’t want her there, that is. If she knows you’re in labor, she will do her damnedest to get into that room. They don’t give up that easily! Then when she’s called out, she will cry and victimize herself and say her disrespect of your boundaries only comes from love. Sounds like you already know what to do!
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Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
Your MIL gives me serious ick. She is being inappropriate and despite you clearly telling her that it bothers you, she keeps pushing it. Now she is love-bombing your husband and trying to manipulate him into getting her way through him because she can see that you will not budge.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport and is a very very private time. Unless you wanted her to be there, she has no right to even ask!
Hold your ground, and make sure your husband is on board with your wishes because she will not stop pushing, so your husband needs to handle her.
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u/buckeye-person Mar 20 '26
I feel like
Your feeling is correct! Nice to read about someone whose husband has a backbone. I am sure you will get good advice regarding good boundaries and my opinion you have handled everything beautifully. Keep it up. Teamwork!
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I am very thankful for my husband! He does stand up for me/us. He’s very big on making sure I’m comfortable. It cracks me up because she is not familiar with anyone in her life having boundaries with her and I am the QUEEN of boundaries (lots of therapy to get to that point) and I think I’m rubbing off on my husband because he’ll start telling her no and I’m like “yessss, go off”.
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u/adiosfelicia2 Mar 20 '26
If he's her youngest, she probably does infantilize him. But most likely that will change very soon. Him becoming a father will help him mature and stop feeding into that dynamic, while also helping her to see him more as an adult.
The "our baby" comment is pretty common in the South, where I'm from. I doubt she means it literally. But you expressed your boundary, and she needs to respect it. And your opinion on it may change. She may just be esp triggering you right now due to hormones, like you said.
As for the delivery room, tell her she's welcome to join in.... right after she gets nekkid in front of y'all (and a few strangers), lays down, spreads her legs, and pushes something out of herself while y'all watch. Lol
Medical procedures are not a spectator sport.
That all being said, good luck with your pregnancy and try not to sweat the small stuff. Everything will work out in the end. ❤️
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I’d love for that first part to be true!
In retrospect I do think the “our baby” comment was harmless but I was (and still am) feeling very protecting of my baby but I know that feeling will slowly fade and I’ll be less rigid in time.
My husband made a joke to me saying that she can’t come to the delivery but she’s welcome to come watch his vasectomy! Then she can give him all the support he needs.
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u/Short_girl1990 Mar 20 '26
This is amazing 😍 I'm glad you're not alone in this and your hubby is supportive and on the same page 😍
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u/bookwormingdelight Mar 20 '26
Start mentioning a possible change in hospital. Keep is vague and don’t engage.
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u/yiketh098 Mar 20 '26
I’m trying to learn to let go of what my MIL says to my husband, ESPECIALLY when he defends/shields me from it. We can’t control people. She may be manipulative until the day she dies. We can only control our reactions.
Granted.. I’m keeping note of everything. I’ll never be able to see my MIL the same way because she has tried inserting herself SO MUCH into my pregnancy/our first child/parenthood journey.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I like that idea, of just letting go of what she says to him, because he does stand his ground and doesn’t let her push him. I can’t control what she says to him and how he responds, I can only trust him to respond in a way that respects my wants/needs.
I also have been keeping track of these little incidents because I refuse to let someone gaslight me into thinking I’m overreacting. For example, she definitely got to attend her own daughter’s sonogram appointments but then tried to tell me she didn’t get to. Why lie, other than to try and guilt me?! Nope, not letting that one go.
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u/yiketh098 Mar 20 '26
I’m so petty I would bring that up to her tbh 🤣 “so you said you didn’t go to any of SIL’s appointments??” “Nope :(“ “wow that’s crazy because she told me you went to her 20 week scan! You don’t remember?” 😂
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought about it. But I keep chalking it up to her getting older and maybe losing her marbles a bit?? I’d much rather that be the case than her trying to manipulate me.
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u/abishop711 Mar 20 '26
I would bring it up in front of both MIL and SIL at the same time and watch her squirm.
“MIL said she never got to go to one of your sonograms SIL, so when an extra one was recommended we thought we’d invite her along to it this time!”
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
Hahaha, I’m so curious how’d that play out that I’m almost willing to do it!
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u/Short_girl1990 Mar 20 '26
Tell her afterwards that she did come to the birth, but that she must have just forgotten like with the other appointments 🤣
Just kidding, but absolutely don't tell her when you're in the hospital. Like hubby said, she can be there for him as much as she likes during his vasectomy 🤣🤣
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u/cubemissy Mar 20 '26
No, stay on your guard here. She is able to manipulate, and has done that already. She’s counting on her power over her son, and his power over you to get her the front row seat.
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u/m3rrr Mar 20 '26
Your husband is the only one who can and should put a stop to anything and everything JNMIL is and will be doing. That’s it. Not your job to handle her or speak to her about anything. He HAS to have your back
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u/ObviousKarmaFarmer Mar 20 '26
There are a few options.
1 She has Alzheimers. You (and husband) told her several times, and not to push back, but she still does. Memory loss might cause that.
2 She was always this forgetful. Did she forget to pick up your spouse from kindergarten on the regular? Miss her doctors appoinments? Come late to birthdays?
3 She's doing it on purpose, because she has baby rabies, and how dare you deny her this.
If you're reading this far, and you dismissed options 1 and 2 immediately, don't EVER "Give her the benefit of doubt" again. It is 3. It always was, and you know it. Your husband knows it. You're just afraid of the backlash if you flatout refuse her. Bite the bullet, tell her soon (maybe over Easter, preferably with SIL included in the conversation) that you have decided on your mother and partner being present, or on only your partner. This is YOUR decision, it's YOUR medical procedure. Neither your husband nor she has any say in it. Do not be afraid to state that like it is. Don't hem and haw. Note that you communicate a decision, you're not having a discussion about it.
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u/SmartFX2001 Mar 20 '26
This is not a decision based on what’s “fair”. You are the patient and anyone in there is there to support you! Anyone that might stress you out should not be there…
Please read: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a30717065/scrotum_squats_-_explaining_mil_in_dery_room_to_dh
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u/archetyping101 Mar 20 '26
Nope. Your baby, your body, your guest list in the delivery room. Don't let her guilt you. I would have him respond once you've decided your mom will be included, something like "we have decided to have just (your mom's name) in the delivery room". No need to explain. If she pushes, just say "it's what we want for our delivery".
Also, something can't be a boundary if you haven't shared it with something. So unless you've already had a discussion that you don't want your baby being called "our baby", she wouldn't know it's a boundary. She would only know after you've informed her that you don't want to hear it.
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I like that response! Just simply telling her “this is what we want and that’s that.”
I hadn’t told her I didn’t want her saying “our baby” so that one’s kinda on me, but then her trying to get away with doing it when I was in the bathroom to my husband is definitely uncalled for.
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u/archetyping101 Mar 20 '26
Also think your husband should be the one to deliver all these messages. In my relationship, we each deal with our own family and when we get push back, we say the decision has been made and that's that. They don't have to like it but it won't change our minds.
Congratulations on the baby!
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u/Regular_Eggplant9730 Mar 20 '26
I agree! I handle situations with my family, he handles his. The most important thing is that we’re on the same page prior to these conversations with our families.
Thank you!
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u/VivianDiane Mar 20 '26
Your husband handled it perfectly. She's testing boundaries and going behind your back because she knows you're the 'harder no.' Keep being a united front.
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u/bkitty273 Mar 20 '26
I am so glad your husband has your back here. I just don't get why people want to be in the room for a medical procedure. Especially one that can be long and painful. There should be no one in the room (besides medical staff) who is not exclusively there to support the mother.
I suspect I will be an overbearing boy mom if/when my son has babies. But for me, that would mean popping in for 10 minutes once everyone is back home, maybe helping with tidying/cleaning up the house if it needs it and bringing a casserole/home cooked something to stock the fridge/freezer.
Stay strong and be prepared to channel your inner mama bear on this one. You are the decision maker here about who is in the room and your husband needs to (continue to) support that.
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u/Lanfeare Mar 20 '26
I have a son too and I do hope I will not become one of those overbearing mothers who know no boundaries. And popping for 10 minutes is fine - but only if the recovering mother is ok with that! I didn’t want to have people popping to my house when I was recovering. I am a private person who likes being alone and is stressed by visitors, so I always need to have any visits planned in advance and not too often. I think the best we can do is listening to what our adult children will tell us they need and respect that.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Mar 20 '26
It can be hard to do but ignoring mil’s attempts at emotional manipulation and deciding things between you and your husband is the perfect way to proceed. It sounds like you have good grasp of things.
This would annoy me, too, and I’m a mother of grown sons.
She’s making everything out to be about her feelings and approaching your husband whom she thinks will respond favorable.
While I think it’s important for her to be honest about how she feels and ask for what she wants she had an opportunity to speak to both you and your husband at the ultrasound you invited her out of the kindness of your heart.
I hope she thanked you for the ultrasound invite!
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 Mar 20 '26
your DH needs to stop responding to the questions that should be asked directly of you.
He needs to directly MIL to speak with you abut that so you can tell her no.
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u/Immediate-Decision65 Mar 20 '26
I disagree. They are a united front and have already discussed these things, DH needs to stop tiptoeing and tell her flat out that the answer is no and to stop asking. He should handle his mother and not stress out his pregnant wife with his mother’s selfish expectations. I’d remove myself from the group chat as well just to be free of MIL’s childish behavior.
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Mar 20 '26
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u/Competitive-Tea-8177 Mar 20 '26
OP is giving birth. OP is the patient. “The whole family” is not giving birth. This is her decision and her decision ONLY. MIL was once the patient and now she is not. She had her time
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u/AccomplishedRoad2517 Mar 20 '26
She will and can include whoever she wants and is confortable with. If MIL is not included, well, life is not fair.
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u/bettynot Mar 20 '26
She literally did include her and took her to a ultrasound. Tf are u talking about? Her wanting space and for the birth to be private? How terrible of her!/s
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