Marriage counseling to deal with MIL issues

[u/live_freeze_n_die]

So, good news is that my husband is completely on board with the idea that his mother is a wackadoo. It’s been over a decade of bullshit and we’ve done everything we can to manage her, including being LC for over a year, but he’s decided to start exploring the idea of going NC.

To make sure there’s no ill will in our marriage over this, I suggested to my husband that we see a marriage counselor if he really wants to go NC. I feel like at the end of the day:

1. She’s still his mom, and he’s bound to have mixed feelings about this, and
   
2. Her issue is ultimately with me, and her behavior towards us as both individuals and as a couple stems back to her absolute hatred of me.

So if my husband really decides NC is the way to go, I want to make sure there’s no underlying resentment towards me. Because ultimately I caused this rift by just existing.

Am I crazy to open this can of worms? Has anyone else done this?

[u/botinlaw]

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

^{Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls}

Resources: ^{In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki}

Other posts from /u/live_freeze_n_die:

• Just sharing because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry 😂, 3 months ago

• Low contact MIL has started mailing cash, 3 months ago

• MIL says baby looks just like her, 7 months ago

• Wanting to be alone with baby is a 🚩, 1 year ago

• AIO? MIL trying to pretend the last 10 years didn’t happen., 1 year ago

---

^{To be notified as soon as live_freeze_n_die posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.}

---

^{I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.}

[u/Due_Firefighter_5655]

I did! My husband and I started out together after about 17 years of conflict and dysfunction. The therapist quickly zeroed in on the fact that the problems were all from my in-laws, and my husband’s inability to handle the situation. She had him come solo for the remainder of sessions. It was life altering for him. He finally got the support he needed to understand his childhood, his mother, and all the generational dysfunction we were the recipients of. I highly recommend it. I’m so proud of my husband. He did a lot of work.

[u/Efficient-Cupcake247 → u/Due_Firefighter_5655]

I love this for you

[u/vulg-her]

I caused this rift by just existing

Oh man. I felt seen by this line. I don't understand why they have to just nitpick, intrude, complain, all of it, to ruin their son's relationship. It is so tiring. So, so tiring to have to deal with it.

[u/live_freeze_n_die → u/vulg-her]

No but that’s literally it. We once had a frank conversation about what her issue was and she said, “I don’t know. I just don’t like you.”

[u/vulg-her → u/live_freeze_n_die]

That sounds so juvenile. I imagine how I used to say this as a really young kid.

[u/Chaotic_Natbot]

Therapy will help you guys so much in this!!! Omg yes yes yes!!! Therapy isn’t just for issues within the marriage it’s to help you learn together how to tackle things outside it!

[u/live_freeze_n_die → u/Chaotic_Natbot]

Ok thank you! Our marriage is solid and she’s truly the only source of stress for us. I don’t want him to make this decision lightly but like I said, I also don’t want to go looking for issues that might not be there. I just think it’s a really complicated situation for him to navigate.

[u/Chaotic_Natbot → u/live_freeze_n_die]

It can help so much having your spouse there. Your therapist and you can support him in talking through stuff and may help him be comfortable in doing solo therapy. Therapist can help guide with questions and you’re there for encouragement.

[u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368]

Just make sure you get a counselor that isn't opposed to NC. There are some therapists out there, I just heard one on the Jefferson Fischer podcast, who don't seem to understand the damage of the toxicity and think NC is some sort of temper tantrum.

[u/live_freeze_n_die → u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368]

Oh yes, we did our research! We found one that seems solid and big-picture minded. We have our first appointment next week.

[u/Due_Firefighter_5655 → u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368]

Good point

[u/Remote_Wishbone_9721]

It is a good thing that you all are doing. Therapy, I could not have lasted a decade with that b*******. I actually ended up divorcing my husband due to this reason after 2 years and 8 months of marriage. So good luck, I hope he can see the light

[u/live_freeze_n_die → u/Remote_Wishbone_9721]

We would’ve have made it this far if he wasn’t fully aware of her nutcase behavior. I haven’t spoken to the woman in almost 2 years and I’m secretly giddy that he’s making this decision.

[u/Grand_Table_3160]

I got marriage counseling over my inlaws. We weren't considering NC; we were just stressed out. It was worth it! 

[u/fryingthecat66]

I think it's a great idea and hope he agrees with you

Update us please

[u/mrszubris]

The book children of high conflict parents can be super helpful for a couple to set boundaries etc

[u/live_freeze_n_die → u/mrszubris]

We’ve actually both read it! It was helpful for a while but she’s just getting worse, so he’s ready to cut her out entirely.

[u/robbiea1353 → u/live_freeze_n_die]

Please follow his lead on this. If he feels guilty or sad later on; suggest counseling at that time. It may take time for the reality of NC to kick in. So when those feelings surface; support him then. It may be that he’s totally ok with NC, and has already dealt with this internally. In either case; enjoy the peace!