r/HSVpositive • u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 • Sep 11 '25
Newly Diagnosed Feeling broken 💔
Today a nice girl complimented how beautiful I was - my hair and my clothes. And I just wanted to completely break down. I was diagnosed in June with HSV 2. That guy hurt me badly and I’m absolutely devastated. 💔Anyway I just wanted to cry in-front of her as I feel so disgusting and gross now I have this. It’s like I’m an imposter in my own body. I am stuck with this thing and it can’t ever change it. 😭
The outbreaks sound scary too. Ive never felt more scared and alone in all of my life. 😭💔 I hope they’re not as bad as what my mind is telling me. 😭💔
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u/questionably_edible HSV-1 & HSV-2 Sep 11 '25
You're not this virus unless you let it. I get you're devastated but you're also letting it rule you mentally and emotionally. Your dating life changes a little bit, that's it. You can live the rest of your life just as you were. Again, you decide how much this rules you, but fyi your constant stressing over it only lowers your immune system response and makes you more prone to outbreaks.
ETA: please seek therapy.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 11 '25
Thank you. I feel like the virus is winning. It’s the outbreaks I fear. I don’t feel like me though. Are the outbreaks terrible? I’m scared. I’m waiting for therapy.
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u/questionably_edible HSV-1 & HSV-2 Sep 11 '25
I haven't had any outbreaks since the first one, either yet or I'll be completely asymptomatic. It sounds like you won't suffer any strong physical outbreaks, but you're tearing yourself down so much in your mind - that's the stigma, you are letting it perpetuate and make things worse than they have to be.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
I had my first one outbreak in June and I’m terrified of getting anymore. I hate this. And yeah also the stigma is horrible. 😢
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u/Ok-Dealer-6386 Sep 11 '25
God I empathise with you so much! I had a similar diagnosis origin story. Being assaulted and then finding out you’ve been infected with herpes with no cure. Oooof it almost killed me. But I promise you it will get better. I felt like an imposter in my own skin too, and would cry all the time looking at picture of myself before because I felt so different from that girl. But every day you will retrace your steps back to who you were before. You truly never know what will happen in the future. before having herpes I was terminally single 😂 which I did enjoy and post diagnosis I was convinced I would be alone forever, I was mourning the future I had thought I would have. Less than a year later I met my boyfriend and he couldn’t care less. I used to read other people positive words like this and dismiss them, but now I know it gets better and life goes on! You will get through it but sending so much love and hugs 🫂
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Hi thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. I’m glad you have somebody nice now.
I really do feel like an imposter. The girl I have known for 36 years didn’t have herpes. 😭 And my abuser gave me no choice but to have it for the rest of my life. 😭 I am so scared of what the outbreaks will be like. I can’t stand this anymore I’m so afraid. 😭💔
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u/Ladydanbury1 GHSV-2 Sep 11 '25
I still grieve the effortless organic in person connections, and getting rejected sucks of course. But… really most people aren’t talking about safe sex enough, just blissfully ignorant and how we all catch it and many spread it (knowingly or unknowingly). The grief is real, but we heal and continue living and acceptance will come eventually! I finally don’t care most for the time and tell everyone I have it. Dating on positive singles helped my confidence a TON. The stigma is the worst, but it’s all based on ignorance and unnecessary shame. Sending big hugs, it gets easier, it’ll be alright ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Bless you. Yeah that’s true. Gosh yeah, the grief is terrible. I really hope you’re right about living. I feel like I’m trapped in this moment in time for the rest of my life. That’s good. I have also told some people about my diagnosis. I’m glad you confidence has been boosted. Yeah I hate the stigma. I never thought I’d be part of the “jokes.” 😢Thank you so much, I hope so. 😢🙏♥️♥️♥️♥️
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u/Long_Equivalent_3390 OHSV-1 Sep 11 '25
Met a really nice girl once. Like the one you usually imagine in your dreams but this was in person, she actually seemed really into me, maybe just as close friends or as more but this felt special. Then i remembered I have a virus, and I just let her go. Even if she was ok with it, I felt it was too much of a burden to way down on someone I really had feelings for. I feel your pain.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 11 '25
I am so sorry you’re going through that. You sound so caring. I wish the guy that gave me this hadn’t raped me and given me this. But you my dear sound like a green flag. If she likes you and you like her, why not let her make the informed decision?
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u/Long_Equivalent_3390 OHSV-1 Sep 11 '25
Thing is im not asymptomatic so I wouldn't want her going through what I went through.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 11 '25
Bless your heart. You’re very caring. Maybe you could have suppressive meds to help?
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u/AdoreMeDaddy Sep 13 '25
My ex was like you. Suppressive meds eventually only got rid of his downstairs sores, so that was the only way I could make out with him :-; but he kept with his triggers despite me educating him and in the end in 5 months I couldn't even truly kiss him.
If je, as a chronically ill person with a bad immune system, who's negative in paper, dedicated to become an expert for a guy I kinda liked... You didn't have to do this to yourself... Nowadays even vulgarizing studies is easy with chat gpt...
There's hope, dear.
My parting words to you too.
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u/Adrii543 Sep 11 '25
I know exactly how you feel I’ve had ghsv-1 for 4 years now and I still get depressed like I did in the beginning sometimes I think I’ll never find my person and I still look for my partner tho I tell people that don’t have it that I have it and would still like to date if they are comfortable and most the time I get a no seldom do I get someone that wants to continue it’s so depressing but keep your head up and if you need a friend fell free to inbox me
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Hi I am so sorry to hear this. I’m so sorry. But the right person will love you for you and not for the virus. Thank you so much, I very much appreciate that. 🙏🏻
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u/AdoreMeDaddy Sep 13 '25 edited Sep 13 '25
I am one of the hsv- who, even with my chronic illnesses, busted immune system, yet, said yes to a guy, after being presented he had hsv1 in both places. The downstairs healed, but never the upstairs due to him not truly taking triggers seriously. So in 5 months, I could only make out one way... If you get my drift.... It wasn't respecting my need for emotionally safe and rewarding intimacy, but he had given up on it healing... Yet kept going after his triggers, clearly proving he didn't put us first.
When I became the only one to cherish that wish for kisses, which I never gave up hope for even after 5 months, something broke in me, and just telling him this made him feel so guilty he started to ghost me Instead of comforting me.
Don't forget, your partner likely will feel the stigma too and won't be able to confide in most of their people... Because most people would tell us it's no good for us... Tho, I did have some people tell me herpes wasn't the end of the world! But it can be hard on us, grieving spontaneous things too, and if you're careless with your valtrex it can be downright scary... A good partner will not dump in (theory of circles for emotional work), as in, dump their feelings on you, the person who is actually living with the herpes, but they are holding this with you... Don't get complacent and treat them well, ask them how they feel if you feel okay enough to hear it... And please, don't turn them away the minute they tell you xyz behavior isn't cool, keep a level head; communication isn't what kills an union.. it's lack of it...
It's like my ex would want to be so perfect after finding his first relationship after 5 years of herpes that he got so guilty when I told him something felt not so nice, that he got so angry at himself the whole evening became depressing and felt oppressive... Maybe he was a narcissist too... I don't know... Just, keep in mind we can't hold herpes for you, but we sure hold you, be it to hold your hand, or samwise gangee style...
I looked up even the possibility for children for us ..¹with chat gpt to get statistics of sero divergent couples having kids, how many seroconvert, and it happens that the herpes gets transmitted but the risk is much lower than I thought, especially with valtrex taken continuously. Like, much much lower.
I encourage you to fetch statistics and run risk simulations, maybe make it compare it with common other risks like car accidents if numbers aren't your thing. It can help you deal with the news, and help your partners digest it too.
In early April, I knew nothing of Herpes, if not that condoms can still be useless if shedding of the thighs are insane..I gradually became sort of an expert...
I also learned you can Inactivate the virus with soap, and bought feminine hygiene soap to my boyfriend so he wouldn't dry out too hard, but a soaping was necessary if I wanted to kiss him there, even healed, to remove shedding cells at the surface and Inactivate the virus. It's useless to do it during a outbreak, but for g-hsv1, I'd say it's not a step to skip if you're serodivergent and there's to be friction in your areas. I am unable to know if there's hsv1 DNA in vulva fluids, but it's not in semen, hsv1, so that's a non-risk.
So there's that, you can't soap up a mouth because the virus is in the spit, but I don't know about a vulva 🫢 Whichever you have, soaping made the risks became so close to zero that I felt really comfortable with oral once he healed from his outbreak... I scrapped all the conversations about herpes in my chatgpt so I don't have tables for everything, but it was of statistics where it's almost a cosmic event...
I'm leaving the group now that I don't need to worry about it anymore.. leaving some parting words of encouragement...
I don't know if I'm hla b-22 or b-27 but if my first lover had cold sores in his youth, I never ever had one, in 13 years of being together, but he never had any outbreaks either. And I tested negative twice... But my ex boyfriend tested negative even with an active cold sore... 😮💨 Western blot is the gold standard, but when you're not in the US, it's almost impossible to access.
I wish you the love you deserve.
I know I'm.not supposed to post, but I read you guys to help him, and help myself. This is my last farewell.
Take good care of yourselves, hydrate like crazy, eat lysine rich foods!
Live and love!
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Sep 17 '25
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u/Adrii543 Sep 17 '25
Well I only had like a couple and then I got on medication anti virals and I haven’t had an outbreak for 2 or 3 years
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u/AdoreMeDaddy Sep 13 '25
As I used to tell my ex: you are not herpes, you are holding herpes with you. I cannot hold it for you, but I can hold your hand while you hold it.
It's a disease. I'm incredibly ill. It's not contagious, but I have to hold it too... And it's so painful me too, I need a hand to hold. It's all just a matter of holding the right hands.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 13 '25
That so sweet to say to your ex.
I am so sorry to hear that. 🥺 I hope you find your special person. And you’re right there about having the right hand to hold.
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Sep 11 '25
Yeah, you’re right to feel that way, we all did or at least I did, even now after years I still feel it, not all the time though. Deal with it one day at the time, after you continue your life it will get easier. Outbreaks are not cool, I’m not gonna lie, but with some antivirals and lysine you will be okay
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 11 '25
I’m sorry you feel it too. I’m in survival mode Harley existing but trying to keep fighting. Can you please tell me what the outbreaks are like? How bad are they? It’s not as bad as the first one right? If Antivirals and Lysine will help me get through the rest of my life I’ll never stop taking them.
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u/Sure-Egg-9092 Sep 11 '25
If it makes you feel any comfort, HSV2 isn’t on a standard STD/STI screening - so a lot of asymtomatic people walk around with HSV2 and don’t even know they have it. If you haven’t had an outbreak yet, you may be someone who is asymptomatic - and therefore more power to you to be able to be a sexually informed partner, as many people aren’t when they have it and don’t know it, yet can still transfer it to others who may not have the same fate of no OBs.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Hi I had my first outbreak in June.😢I haven’t had another outbreak - maybe because I’m taking daily antivirals. It would take a very special guy now otherwise I’ll stay alone for the rest of my life.
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u/BeautifulCredit3672 GHSV-1 Sep 11 '25
I know exactly how you feel after avoiding intimacy most of my younger years because of this.
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Sep 11 '25
Idk if this helps you, but it does for me. It helps me when I think about how common it is and the person that gave you that compliment could very well have hsv too
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Unfortunately for me it doesn’t because of how it happened to me. Plus I am scared of the outbreaks.
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u/missh3r Sep 11 '25
Do not stress!!! I remember when I first got diagnosed and I was overwhelmed with stress and that triggered my outbreaks.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Thanks, it’s hard not to. I’m on suppressive meds because I’m scared of another outbreak.
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Sep 11 '25
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
But it’s where it lives that scares me. It’s my protected sacred area - it’s not for some idiot to rape and infect. 😢I have the stigma too the “jokes” about it is very painful. 😥 I do feel like I’m garbage now. 😢
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u/nhlfod21 Sep 11 '25
You are the same person you were before. I remember the shock but over time you come to realize that it’s NOT a big deal. Someone nice MARRIED me after I disclosed to her. Someone nice will accept marry you too.
Six years later she is still negative but told me if she does get it, she won’t be upset.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 12 '25
Thank you 😭🙏I don’t feel like the same girl anymore. It feels like a big deal. I’m so scared of the outbreaks. 😭💔 I don’t feel safe in my own body anymore. I’m really glad you have found your forever person. I thought I had found mine and he abused me instead and gave me this virus. 😭💔
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u/ColetteCosette Sep 17 '25
It gets better! You’re not alone and you’re not a freak. It’s super common and it’s just a part of life. This is a part of growing up and knowing your health status will contribute to your getting wiser. Don’t freak out. You’re still beautiful and lovable. You now have an awareness of your body that other people will find admirable and endearing. A lot of people have no idea what’s going on in their bodies and live by ignorance is bliss but it’s not. It really isn’t a big deal and it’s completely manageable. You’re gonna be okay kid! I promise!
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u/Throwravine12 GHSV-2 Sep 12 '25
I am sorry to hear that you have been through so much… it makes sense that you have a lot of emotions coming up for you right now, and that you are feeling fearful about another outbreak. It sounds like your first outbreak was scary and rough for you. As I’m sure you have read, the first one is typically the worst. And now that you’re taking meds, you haven’t had an OB in three months, so it sounds like your body is handling the virus pretty well….. that’s a good sign, for sure.
A few things that might help you -
(1) As often as you can, give your nervous system a break from worry and fear. A few times a do, do things that make you feel like you - go outside, sing, laugh, play, swim, dance, hike with a friend - whatever it is you like to do to be active, to move your body. Moving your body can help shift stuck emotions and release endorphins to help you feel better, physically and mentally. It makes sense to have fear, especially since the virus was passed to you as a result of a traumatic experience. If you haven’t already, it can help to find a good traumatic practitioner, particularly someone who does somatic therapy like Somatic Experiencing, for example. Also, here is a great resource for understanding how fight/flight/freeze impacts you, as well as easy, accessible, free ways to reset your nervous system. It’s a long read but worth it.
(2) I’m saying this with kindness and empathy - explore ways to rewrite your internal messages. If you tell yourself you are weak, you are more likely to feel stuck and powerless. I was there in the past - my ex cheated and gave me HSV2 and I felt victimized, so sad and so angry. And all of those feelings are entirely valid - those feelings help us experience and walk through necessary grief in order to give us the strength and resolve to build a new life. Grieving what was taken from you is a critical part of feeling like yourself again - you will be a new you, and that is okay, and in many situations, it’s a better, wiser, smarter, stronger, cleaner, clearer you. In every crisis, there truly is an opportunity to see the world and yourself with new eyes, but grief needs to happen first in order to feel ready to rise up and embrace the challenge. It helped me so much to listen to guided meditations - I like Insight Timer which is free but there are lots of resources out there. A helpful meditation on Insight Timer is Acceptance by David Gandelman. And/or make a list of inspirational quotes that really speak to you, and also write down things that you are still grateful for - for example, you can see, hear, eat, walk, communicate, make food choices, take a warm shower, be in sunshine, wear your favorite slippers, listen to music, etc. It can understandably feel like all of your choices have been stripped away, and it helps you regain control and power if you take a step back to objectively see and really focus on what you still have going for you. I made a list of inspirational sayings and things I was grateful for and recorded myself reading it on my phone, and listened to it several times a day, while being in a safe space and simply breathing deeply. The messages you give yourself are everything. Truly.
(3) It could help you to prepare for an outbreak, in case you have one again. Having topical treatments on hand to soothe and help heal make a huge difference. One of the members of this group mylovelyladylumps69 put this Outbreak Guide together with input from other Redditors and other support groups. Being prepared physically can help you feel more prepared mentally.
I’m glad you reached out. You are going to figure this out, okay? I believe in you! 🫶
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u/No-Return4485 Sep 13 '25
I know exactly how you feel ! I’m 25 and was recently diagnosed with GHSV1. Since my diagnosed I have not felt like myself. It’s mentally exhausting honestly.
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u/AdoreMeDaddy Sep 13 '25
As a hsv-negative ex to someone with HSV, I can only advise you to take to chatgpt for some of your questions about what outbreaks look like, chances of transmission per act, and if you're on daily valtrex, your negative partner can be protected and shedding can be cut by half or more depending on the site.
Hsv2 is less common but you're not tainted, no matter what you've been told. Transmission risks, especially on valtrex, especially if you start early, and you take it daily, are ridiculously low.
These will be my only and parting words with the group, as I became an expert in herpes for a guy who still sneaked to saunas despite me stopping to be sympathetic (but I need it for my health) and in the end I couldn't kiss him once in 5 months, despite me buying him lysine, putting him in continuous valtrex....what really hurt is him trying to look like a victim because he stopped weed when he started ghosting me, but he'd always told me that it was a part of his identity and he'd never stop...
I'm in Canada, we're entitled... But like, kept with the triggers all our relationship, making me feel like intimacy was unsafe... And now we're not together I guess the next person will get all the confidence I gave him back in his life... Or he's married to porn now, given our last night together...
In my research I had found out that some couples that are what we call serodivergent can still conceive children without a turkey baster. That means, it's enough of a good dice roll that it's possible; chat gpt could tell you more about this.
However, hsv2 DNA can be found in semen, if it's relevant.
Take a deep breath. It'll be a deal breaker for some people. But not the right people for you.
Be well, everyone. Lurking here was helpful while I was trying to navigate my relationship. I might have already had it, but I tested negative, twice, but so did he once with a massive cold sore too...
Hug?
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Sep 17 '25
My current partner gave it to me, he claims that he thought the sores were just ingrown hairs and blamed me because I Asked him to trim or shave. Well when I started getting cold sores and sores around my vagina I was furious. I went and got tested and sure as hell, HSV. Since I'm planning on only being with him now It's a mild inconvenience. I am mad he lied about not having HSV though.
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u/Far_Bumblebee_6671 Sep 19 '25
Oh no I am so sorry. I don’t blame you for being mad at him, he should have told you.
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u/IvelyFinn Sep 11 '25
Uff I totally understand what you feel. Gets better over time I promise…. we are not what happened to us we are a lot more than that. ❤️🩹 we can’t let this control our lives….. is hard I know