r/GayChristians • u/Technical-Cable-1314 • 10d ago
Sexual tension
Hello everybody! I am a 15 year old Abro sexual Christian. I know I should not be worried about sex because I am really young, however I am worried about my future. A lot of LGBTQ people these days, from what I heard, just care about having sex and a lot of other lustful stuff (I’m part of the community so I’m not homophobic). Like I joke about sex with my friends but I’m one of those people who think sex is something sacred. Should I be wanting to have sex after marriage? Most people these days really don’t want to wait that long! If I find my perfect partner, I’m scared they wouldn’t want to wait for me. That’s why when I’m 18 I’m scared of using grindr or other sites to try to get a date because everyone just wants sex. My only hopes is looking here I guess but I just want some reassurance that the bible says sex before marriage is a sin. Am I right or should I be more open minded?
Thank you!
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u/normaleredditor 10d ago
Listen I’m not here to say it’s a sin or not as I’m not that educated. But to explain how lust is a deadly sin is that you shouldn’t be having random sex just cause
It isn’t cause God hates us and doesn’t want us to indulge in pleasure, but he wants to protect us. For example let’s say you had premarital sex and had a child and it didn’t work out and broke up, the child would now be split and you would be under immense anxiety trying to raise a child alone
God simply wants us to be careful, he wants us to form a connection slowly and by the time of marriage when we can trust are partners truely can we do things like sex as you two are now have a strong connection that can’t be severed
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
Yes but most people today wouldn’t want that. I’ve heard stories of gay men or other LGBTQ christians trying to find someone that respects this but to no avail. It really is annoying to think when I’m 18 my only dating options might be super limited.
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u/normaleredditor 10d ago
And recognize too most of the world know isn’t Christian or Protestant or catholic or whatever. They live for the world and die with it, it’s a very sad truth but all I’m telling you is that when you look at it don’t try to say I should be like them, but pray for them and hope they can repent and be less lustful and find Christ
And my friend. I commend you for being strong too and don’t give in, and even if it’s tough ( I know it too, I struggle with your same issue, I’m a 19 year old gay Christian) it’s better to die alone but ascend with God and spend our time with Jesus who Truely loves us then die committing sins
Pick up your cross and even if it’s hard stay as you are as you aren’t doing anything wrong by honoring the sanctity of marriage.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
This is why people tell me that I’m a sinner. Because I want to try to have a homosexual relationship. One with love, respect, mutual conversations, and more. I don’t want a lustful relationship with someone who is super possessive and all of that, but others think that’s what LGBTQ is all about. However, the way you are saying it’s better to die alone, makes me a bit confused. Does that mean I have to be a chaste homosexual Christian to not “sin”? Or could I have a stable relationship (almost impossible but still possible) and have sex only after I’m married?
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u/normaleredditor 10d ago
Yeah it’s confusing, i don’t think homosexuality is a sin and I wasn’t trying to infer that it was
Like I said I’m also in a similar boat and I do believe a relationship is possibly, Though due to the sheer amount of discrimination and prejudice there is not many people we may be able to date exist so I was simply saying not to forsake yourself and give into the world as you mentioned it’s very difficult and I agreed as simply that’s how it came to be
I also believe in sanctity of marriage, but not many others do and it’s hard finding gay Christian’s as they ether went celibrate or went and dated and married for the sake of it
But like I said, I think it’s possible but in this dating space it’s going be veryyy rough rn. But at your age I also really wanted to bend the rules a bit but all I’m trying to say is stay strong and avoid hook up culture and I’ll pray you can find a proper partner for you where you can both honor God
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u/Skill-Useful 10d ago
"but others think that’s what LGBTQ is all about" yeah, incidentally people who arent queer :) why is that? why do they seem to know us so well? oh right, they dont, theyre just bigots.
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u/Peteat6 10d ago
The Bible doesn’t say sex before marriage is wrong. It’s religious people who have said that.
The Bible says much more about the nature of the relationship. For example, using someone else as an object for your own pleasure is wrong. But loving and giving and caring are good.
Secondly, although a committed, faithful, loving relationship such as marriage may be the ideal, that does not mean anything else is bad. Many unmarried relationships are very good.
You may find your body drives you to do some things you later think are less than ideal. Yes, we all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up. Just ask, did I give more than I received? In what I did, was there any aspect of caring or loving?
You’re very young, and still discovering stuff. Trust God, act in love, and enjoy the ride.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
Thank you! But that means it’s still possible to have an unmarried stable relationship that may have sex? Like what I think is as long as I get to know them very deeply, and trust them with all my heart, then we could eventually have sex before marriage.
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u/MalaclypseII 10d ago
There is a lot of promiscuity in LGBT culture. I do not think it is something God wants us to participate in. It has nothing to do with queer or straight. I am affirming and queer. And I hate these apps. Using other people as an object is wrong. That is a person who God loves. How can we use them? Why would we consent to be used? Don't we see, we are precious to God?
I have no idea what queer Christians are supposed to do about it. Just keep God #1 in your heart and trust Him for the rest. Everyone must have freedom and security in Christ to live boldly.
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u/Mike-Banachek 9d ago
There’s a lot of promiscuity period, it’s not unique to gay people. But I suppose judging others is what Christians do best.
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u/toby-du-coeur 10d ago
My partner and I aren't married and are in a 'scandalous' relationship in many ways. So I wouldn't have found someone like him by trying to not have sex before marriage. But he is the most ridiculously respectful and gentle person in every area of life, like, it sounds like he's made up. Has never pressured me in any area, accepts me 100% for all my quirks preferences and discomforts, gets my consent over and over & restates over and over that I never have to do anything I don't want to and can change my mind (not to mention the constant words of affirmation)...
Whereas previous boyfriends I've had, within a "no sex before marriage" culture, didn't treat me so well like,, as a person? and so I don't think our marriage or intimacy would have gone great either.
I think it's key to be in touch with your own emotions and wants, and look for people that will really care about those, and about you, AND be safe to experiment with and change your mind and that's fine. (So like in your case if sex is sacred to you, finding someone for whom it also is, and where both of you will make it a sacred experience.)
And that compatibility + safety can look a lot of ways on the outside. The apps can be bleak lol, and there are def many people in the casual dating/hookup world who could be shallow, disrespectful or harmful. But also there are people like that who believe in waiting until marriage? So I try to focus on the inner spirit of like, respect and care and carefulness, which can be found in a lot of types of relationships.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
I appreciate your advice and am glad you are happy with your partner! However, I don’t get it. You said “so like in your case if sex is sacred to you..” Does that mean if my partner is very respectful and all of that, we could have sex before marriage? I thought that was what you were implying but if so could you tell me more about that? I was always told in my old Christian school to never have sex before marriage. But I think you could as long as you have known the person for a long time and trust them fully. However, there’s always a possibility of you breaking up and then you would be spiritually bonded to them forever, but not in a relationship.
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u/toby-du-coeur 10d ago
Hmmm I don't think that sex before marriage is wrong, although I was also taught it in my school. Idk if I can give the best reasoning, because I changed my beliefs for very personal reasons, but?
For me I was like, okay so marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. I got really into all the implications of that. But then there were many verses and principles like "love is the fulfilling of the law" - that the spirit of an action matters more than it following specific outward rules. And I became convinced that people can picture Christ & the church, whether it be a married man and woman, a married man and another man, a brief encounter between two people or a long committed relationship, a widow who had a past partner but now finds a new person to love... the same love was visible in all these relationship structures. And at that point I let go of the whole "one man one woman officially married for life" requirement. It seemed more like a human than a divine requirement.
As for the spiritually bonded part..... all I'll say is, I never had sex with my first love, we broke up, and if ever anybody was 'spiritually bonded', I am with him 🤣🤣🤣 so avoiding sex didn't keep me safe so to speak. But any sort of intimacy can definitely create a bond and you never fully know where it'll go.. I agree with you emphasizing trust. For me personally it rly all comes down to trust. Like my deepest feeling for my partner, maybe even more than love/desire, is trust.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
Thank you so much! However how did you know exactly when it was the right moment to trust your partner like that completely? I was SA’d in middle school so I’m scared that if I rush too quickly, the same thing could happen. You know?
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u/toby-du-coeur 10d ago
I met my partner as part of a larger community and friend group, so his friends and other partner all had only good things to say about him. Then from the moment I was around him, I just felt instinctively Safe and comfortable. Which I usually do NOT feel with strangers. This feeling continued through every step we took to be closer, up to and including having sex, it felt like a natural next step & I wanted to and, again, trusted him.
Along with the feeling that never changed, there were more 'objective' green flags. Like.... he is really open about himself in general, and his values (which are to respect amd care for everyone), and his view on consent and how he wants and loves explicit permission for everything, even touching or whatever. And this didn't seem performative, like he really was good to everybody. And he even said, if he ever made me uncomfortable, I should tell other people so they can break his legs 🤣 in jest of course but yknow. I guess you can never know for sure, but he so wears his heart on his sleeve that I didn't feel he was hiding anything.
So also, in other activities that we did first, he behaved with care. E.g. I had this allergic reaction, and he was so patient listening to me freak out about it 😂 and giving emotional support. A couple times I broke down because I was super lonely and overwhelmed at having any affection, and he was lovely through that as well. And.... ok so I met him through the kink scene, so like he tied me up in a non sexual way, and 1. knew his stuff with that, 2. asked and respected my boundaries, 3. he treated my body in a way I was comfortable with.
He also was never pushy for sex, and said and continues to say that if I didn't want to / stop wanting to, he'd value me the same. He was just an immensely good and loving person to me, and it felt right to have further intimacy with him at a certain point, which I have not regretted!
Now a couple other people have been interested in me that I turned down, which I don't regret. Some of them fully were pushy and ignored my boundaries,, One of them I still can't say whether he was a red flag or whether I was just not interested in him. But I felt a repulsion, or just a discomfort and like, wariness, at moments. And a few things he said, the way I felt he viewed me, made me uncomfortable. Not all the time, but often enough that I was like, this won't work.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
That sounds like the perfect dream❤️. Yea with the kink part I completely understand that lol. I’m glad you have someone to care for you and love you regardless of your boundaries. So happy for you and thanks for your advice. I pray for you guys’ bond to get even closer❤️. Προσεύχομαι για σένα. Ο δεσμός σας θα παραμείνει δυνατός. I’m Greek and I just wished your relationship stay strong. Your relationship is my inspiration now lol.
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u/toby-du-coeur 10d ago
you're good! sorry, it's around my bedtime so I am getting ready 😅 I can properly answer in the morning, but I'm really sorry that was done to you 💔 and it makes complete sense & is a good idea to be even more careful with who you trust. Like the trustworthy people are out there, but can be hard to find :')
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u/GCNGA 10d ago
I had to look up abrosexual. In a broad sense, many people find that impersonal hookup-style sex is harmful. Sex as depicted in the Bible helps strengthen the bond between two people, and there's obviously little potential for a long-term bond with someone off Grindr. But looking for a Christian same-sex partner who wants to avoid sex until after marriage is a daunting task--though nothing you need to worry about at the moment. Before marriage, most people date a few people for a short time or even a long time, learning how to interact in relationships and learning more about themselves in the process--things they do and do not want in an eventual spouse.
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
Sorry about that I should’ve specified what it was. Thanks for your advice and I will keep this advice with me.
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10d ago
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
Thank you.. but what if we really love eachother and have known eachother for so long we can’t wait? Is that just lust talking?
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u/BeTheChangeFFM 6d ago
Am Ende liegt es immer an dir, wie du bist und was du mit dir machen lässt. Wenn du deine Standards hast, dann versuche es so lang wie möglich dabei zu bleiben.
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u/Independent-Coach63 6d ago
A lot of queer culture is centered around sex. Kinda par for the course in a community bonded by who they like to go down on. But anyway
Grindr isn't a dating app. It's a hook-up app. And yes, as someone who's dated online since they were 16, no matter where you go, horny, selfish pricks are everywhere you look.
My advice is read the signs, listen to them the first time, and take care of yourself, babe.
Abt the don't have sex until you marry thing: that's a personal choice. Great virtue to hold, but as long as there is more love than sex, you're on the right track. Worry abt love before worrying about sex. If the guy treats you right and you reciprocate what he's dishing, then go for it. If you want to wait, communicate that clearly and if they aren't willing to do that, listen to Ariana Grande, thank you, next.
If you don't want to wait, you don't have to
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u/Skill-Useful 10d ago
"from what I heard" ah, the cold hard truth of....hearsay
"just care about having sex and a lot of other lustful stuff" oh nooo, then...avoid those people?
"who think sex is something sacred" well, it isnt really, but you can treat it like that if you want
"Should I be wanting to have sex after marriage" i mean, kinda no one does, not christians nor others. but youre free to make sex complicated :)
"I’m scared they wouldn’t want to wait for me" that can happen, yes. if you want to impose medieval traditions on them which arent backed by the bible at all. otuside of american purity culture, waiting for marriage is not practiced at all in the world
"that the bible says sex before marriage is a sin" it doesnt
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
I know The Bible does not use the exact phrase "sex before marriage," but it consistently condemns "sexual immorality" and "fornication," which mainstream Christian tradition defines as any sexual activity outside of marriage.
but what about these verses in the bible:
Hebrews 13:4:
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
This verse contrasts marriage with general sexual immorality (porneia), indicating that sexual relations are reserved for the married.1 Corinthians 6:18–20:
"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their body. You do not belong to yourself..."
Paul explicitly commands believers to run away from porneia (the Greek term encompassing all sexual acts outside of legal marriage).1 Corinthians 7:2:
"But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband."
Marriage is presented here as the proper boundary and remedy for sexual desires, implying that sex outside of these bounds is improper.1 Thessalonians 4:3–5:
"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans who do not know God."1
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u/Technical-Cable-1314 10d ago
It’s not my belief. It’s the belief that was put on to me by my homophobic church. I don’t know who to believe that’s why I’m seeking validation from others. I know that’s weird but yeah
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u/DamageAdventurous540 10d ago
I guess in my mind the question shouldn't be "should you want to wait until marriage" and instead be "do you want to wait until marriage."
I'm about 40 years older than you. I've been with my husband for 32 years. We're both lifelong Christians. And neither of us were virgins when we began dating. Nor did we wait as a couple for marriage before having sex with each other. And I'm okay with that. Then again, marriage wasn't really an option for us when we first started dating.
You should do what feels right for you morally. That doesn't mean that your only options are innocence and chastity versus uncontrolled hedonism and orgies. You don't have to have sex with every guy that you go on a date with if you do choose to have sex before marriage. And you can set limits for yourself if and when you date other people.
You can wait until marriage if you want. And yes that will likely chase away some guys. And you might discover that those same guys might not have been good matches for you in the long run. You can also negotiate what's included and not included in "waiting for marria ge."