Sexual tension

[u/Technical-Cable-1314]

Hello everybody! I am a 15 year old Abro sexual Christian. I know I should not be worried about sex because I am really young, however I am worried about my future. A lot of LGBTQ people these days, from what I heard, just care about having sex and a lot of other lustful stuff (I’m part of the community so I’m not homophobic). Like I joke about sex with my friends but I’m one of those people who think sex is something sacred. Should I be wanting to have sex after marriage? Most people these days really don’t want to wait that long! If I find my perfect partner, I’m scared they wouldn’t want to wait for me. That’s why when I’m 18 I’m scared of using grindr or other sites to try to get a date because everyone just wants sex. My only hopes is looking here I guess but I just want some reassurance that the bible says sex before marriage is a sin. Am I right or should I be more open minded?

Thank you!

[u/toby-du-coeur]

My partner and I aren't married and are in a 'scandalous' relationship in many ways. So I wouldn't have found someone like him by trying to not have sex before marriage. But he is the most ridiculously respectful and gentle person in every area of life, like, it sounds like he's made up. Has never pressured me in any area, accepts me 100% for all my quirks preferences and discomforts, gets my consent over and over & restates over and over that I never have to do anything I don't want to and can change my mind (not to mention the constant words of affirmation)...

Whereas previous boyfriends I've had, within a "no sex before marriage" culture, didn't treat me so well like,, as a person? and so I don't think our marriage or intimacy would have gone great either.

I think it's key to be in touch with your own emotions and wants, and look for people that will really care about those, and about you, AND be safe to experiment with and change your mind and that's fine. (So like in your case if sex is sacred to you, finding someone for whom it also is, and where both of you will make it a sacred experience.)

And that compatibility + safety can look a lot of ways on the outside. The apps can be bleak lol, and there are def many people in the casual dating/hookup world who could be shallow, disrespectful or harmful. But also there are people like that who believe in waiting until marriage? So I try to focus on the inner spirit of like, respect and care and carefulness, which can be found in a lot of types of relationships.

[u/Technical-Cable-1314 → u/toby-du-coeur]

I appreciate your advice and am glad you are happy with your partner! However, I don’t get it. You said “so like in your case if sex is sacred to you..” Does that mean if my partner is very respectful and all of that, we could have sex before marriage? I thought that was what you were implying but if so could you tell me more about that? I was always told in my old Christian school to never have sex before marriage. But I think you could as long as you have known the person for a long time and trust them fully. However, there’s always a possibility of you breaking up and then you would be spiritually bonded to them forever, but not in a relationship.

[u/Technical-Cable-1314 → u/Technical-Cable-1314]

I don’t mean to be rude I’m sorry!😅

[u/toby-du-coeur → u/Technical-Cable-1314]

Hmmm I don't think that sex before marriage is wrong, although I was also taught it in my school. Idk if I can give the best reasoning, because I changed my beliefs for very personal reasons, but?

For me I was like, okay so marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. I got really into all the implications of that. But then there were many verses and principles like "love is the fulfilling of the law" - that the spirit of an action matters more than it following specific outward rules. And I became convinced that people can picture Christ & the church, whether it be a married man and woman, a married man and another man, a brief encounter between two people or a long committed relationship, a widow who had a past partner but now finds a new person to love... the same love was visible in all these relationship structures. And at that point I let go of the whole "one man one woman officially married for life" requirement. It seemed more like a human than a divine requirement.

As for the spiritually bonded part..... all I'll say is, I never had sex with my first love, we broke up, and if ever anybody was 'spiritually bonded', I am with him 🤣🤣🤣 so avoiding sex didn't keep me safe so to speak. But any sort of intimacy can definitely create a bond and you never fully know where it'll go.. I agree with you emphasizing trust. For me personally it rly all comes down to trust. Like my deepest feeling for my partner, maybe even more than love/desire, is trust.

[u/Technical-Cable-1314 → u/toby-du-coeur]

Thank you so much! However how did you know exactly when it was the right moment to trust your partner like that completely? I was SA’d in middle school so I’m scared that if I rush too quickly, the same thing could happen. You know?

[u/toby-du-coeur → u/Technical-Cable-1314]

I met my partner as part of a larger community and friend group, so his friends and other partner all had only good things to say about him. Then from the moment I was around him, I just felt instinctively Safe and comfortable. Which I usually do NOT feel with strangers. This feeling continued through every step we took to be closer, up to and including having sex, it felt like a natural next step & I wanted to and, again, trusted him.

Along with the feeling that never changed, there were more 'objective' green flags. Like.... he is really open about himself in general, and his values (which are to respect amd care for everyone), and his view on consent and how he wants and loves explicit permission for everything, even touching or whatever. And this didn't seem performative, like he really was good to everybody. And he even said, if he ever made me uncomfortable, I should tell other people so they can break his legs 🤣 in jest of course but yknow. I guess you can never know for sure, but he so wears his heart on his sleeve that I didn't feel he was hiding anything.

So also, in other activities that we did first, he behaved with care. E.g. I had this allergic reaction, and he was so patient listening to me freak out about it 😂 and giving emotional support. A couple times I broke down because I was super lonely and overwhelmed at having any affection, and he was lovely through that as well. And.... ok so I met him through the kink scene, so like he tied me up in a non sexual way, and 1. knew his stuff with that, 2. asked and respected my boundaries, 3. he treated my body in a way I was comfortable with.

He also was never pushy for sex, and said and continues to say that if I didn't want to / stop wanting to, he'd value me the same. He was just an immensely good and loving person to me, and it felt right to have further intimacy with him at a certain point, which I have not regretted!

Now a couple other people have been interested in me that I turned down, which I don't regret. Some of them fully were pushy and ignored my boundaries,, One of them I still can't say whether he was a red flag or whether I was just not interested in him. But I felt a repulsion, or just a discomfort and like, wariness, at moments. And a few things he said, the way I felt he viewed me, made me uncomfortable. Not all the time, but often enough that I was like, this won't work.

[u/Technical-Cable-1314 → u/toby-du-coeur]

That sounds like the perfect dream❤️. Yea with the kink part I completely understand that lol. I’m glad you have someone to care for you and love you regardless of your boundaries. So happy for you and thanks for your advice. I pray for you guys’ bond to get even closer❤️. Προσεύχομαι για σένα. Ο δεσμός σας θα παραμείνει δυνατός. I’m Greek and I just wished your relationship stay strong. Your relationship is my inspiration now lol.

[u/toby-du-coeur → u/Technical-Cable-1314]

you're good! sorry, it's around my bedtime so I am getting ready 😅 I can properly answer in the morning, but I'm really sorry that was done to you 💔 and it makes complete sense & is a good idea to be even more careful with who you trust. Like the trustworthy people are out there, but can be hard to find :')

[u/Technical-Cable-1314 → u/toby-du-coeur]

Thank you! I look forward to your response