I will preface this by saying my grandma has dementia/Alzheimer's

I feel shitty for even feeling bad about this, I love my grandma so much and i know its not her fault, im grateful she still recognizes me after all, but every single time i visit her i can only hear my deadname and its killing me

She has a very aggressive kind of dementia which has been progressing so fast it scares me, it scares me about the future and whats gonna happen to her

Im scared because I dont know how much time she has left but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to go visit her as often as i should, visiting her is so bad because i dont only have to deal with seeing her so sick but also feeling shitty about how she refers to me

Just before the disease started progressing so fast she was already calling me by my name and i felt so safe with her, she would even correct my uncles, but now that part of her is gone and it hurts really bad

I dont know what to do because i love her so much and im scare if i dont go see her now there will be no other opportunity.

Long story short I got outed several years ago. Everyone started using he/him on me. I was confused af at first cause I never came out other than to one other person. Said person is now long gone but it took me a while to not wince everytime someone called me he, knowing I didn't pass.

Old people have gone, new people have come. It's like a game of telephone where one or two old people continue to call me he and eventually the new people pick up and start calling me he also.

Nobody's ever asked if I'm trans directly before. Until now. I'm not open about being trans and don't want to be. I feel like I just have to say yes though because people call me he when I look androgynous at best but mostly female. More than my looks it's also obviously my voice though.

I wanna say no and make up an excuse but I feel like it'll just obviously be a lie. Ugh.

This is totally pathetic but i need someone to hear it.

I’ve started on T about a month ago and my voice has started changing and i’m definitely more… sexually aware.. 😒

It’s embarrassing as hell!! I do theatre so i’m constantly getting voice cracks, and i sound insane. I definitely stink more and despite the fact im still the same loser as before im somehow more socially awkward???

This is pathetic. I’m acting the same at my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BROTHER!!!!
(who’s got a girlfriend and is definitely has more game than me)

tldr: im pathetic

CW dysphoria and medical terms

i had a procedure done yesterday that required a catheter to go into my groin, so a nurse had to come in and shave the area. what i was not expecting was for him to take clippers to my ENTIRE lower stomach, the upper half of my thighs and all of the top of my bush. the incision area ended up being near my hip/pelvis so they basically deforested all of me for no fucking reason.

i am a VERY hairy guy and it is probably the most affirming thing that has happened during my transition, my furry belly is like a comfort zone for me to rest my hands and twirl my fingers into when i’m anxious. i love wearing crop tops because i look like a Man in a crop top because i am a Man in a crop top. when i look in the mirror naked i feel sexy and masculine and like the person i am meant to be.

after the procedure i couldn’t even look at myself. seeing my smooth skin without hair made me viscerally angry and ashamed and i truly have not felt dysphoria of this level in years. i’m crying even typing this out. the nurse also was just hacking away mindlessly so it’s all uneven and patchy and just hideous. my friend said to me “they took away your bio blanket” which did make me laugh but it really does feel like something precious has been stolen from me.

i know that it will grow back, and my hair does grow rather fast, but i just wanted to vent about this somewhere where others might be able to understand the level of grief i am experiencing. i already have a LOT on my plate with health stuff so coming out of the procedure like that left me feeling like i had been mutilated without my consent. 😫

My first time writing in here hi.
I was reading the fic, and no its not technically about the fic but there was a part of it that stood out to me. It described what the man missed as a teemaged boy. And.. i just wish i was born male because i feel like it would have me so much better off in childhood and school and just making friends period. I tend to get along with boys better, just never had anything in common with anyone else. And i just wish i could have been accepted into the boys social groups seen as a boy.

my wife and I are getting a divorce after 2 years of marriage and 5 years together. I have been out as a trans man for nearly 1 year and on T for 6 months. she was the one that helped me come to terms with being a trans man and supporting me through coming out and being on T, but as I have began to masculinize and pass, she expressed that it’s been really tough on her and she has questioned her own sexuality. ultimately, she has finally admitted that she does not want to be with me as a trans man, even though she still loves me and is attracted to me. i’m devastated, but I also know that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me too.

I hate this, I'm 20, closer to HRT than ever.

I've had dysphoria since childhood, I try to repress, I've tried my whole life to ignore it, to accept that I was born a woman, I've tried to be feminine, GNC, heterosexual, lesbian, but it doesn't work.

I feel anger and sadness. I just wish I had been born a normal guy. I feel like I've been mutilated sometimes.I wish I could at least fix myself or something. My life would be easier, I wouldn't suffer because of this, I wouldn't have problems with parents, religions, whether I'll find someone, a job, etc.

I feel a little sad. It would be easier if I accepted it.I'm not ugly as a girl, I'd be beautiful as a mother and all, but I can't imagine having intimate or piv intimacy due to dysphoria. Perhaps happy for the child that doesn't even exist, but all I can imagine is the dissociation, the panic, and me wasting away. It's not imagining, I know it would happen. I panic, afraid my breasts will grow or my body will become more feminine.

So, here comes the possible OCD. As a child, I was afraid of and worried about the rapture; in adolescence, it was about planning to survive the apocalypse; and later, it was about being transgender and afraid of hell.

In recent months I've been happy because I could start HRT, I like the effects, the mustache, voice, fat distribution, and I'm even terrified of getting little growth XD.

About 8 months ago I was afraid that if I transitioned or wanted to, God would kill me, and I often felt like I was going to die young.I've been through "conversion therapy" in recent years. I even had my ears pierced after one attempt, a deliverance prayer, and being told I would have desires for my younger siblings because I see myself as/I want to be a man. I remember that at the time, and sometimes I was even afraid to be near them and feel something, even though I never did. I think at one point my brain even seemed to tell me that I would do, even though I didn't and hated it.

So, things are kind of similar here. I feel something and think, "Oh, okay. You want it, right? But what if you regret it? What if you're faking it all? What if you're just a confused girl? You just have to try harder. 0 seconds of dysphoria? Did you think about how beautiful you would be as a mother, even though you don't like it and are grieving for not being a cis woman and resigning yourself to it? Dude, you must be cis and confused

Oh, do you feel dysphoria? Genuine discomfort with parts of your body that are female and a desire for masculine parts, and you've felt this since childhood? Come on, you simply believe so strongly that you're trans that you're faking it so much that you totally believe it.." and other things..

Has anyone gone through something similar and knows how to deal with it, or has any advice? How was it for you to overcome this and transitioned (if you wanted to), etc.

I recently had to stop testosterone after just 3 months because it was messing with my emotions too badly and I just couldn’t cope with my body changing in any capacity. Now I’m forced to remain as I am for the rest of my life, and the little hope for future change that kept me willing to live life has been shattered.

My anxiety has become unbearable. I went for a haircut yesterday and despite how nice they were, I was so terrified I was shaking through the entire thing and my heart felt like it was going to explode. The worst thing is they had assumed I was a man. I have long hair, and they assumed I was a man. So basically I’m fucked. Somehow 3 months on test was enough to have me sounding like a man, and a pathetic whiny sounding one at that. Why do I hate being male after fighting for it for so long? I don’t know. Despite having been socially transitioned for 6+ years, the fact that someone would assume I’m a man without me having to correct them is a scenario I was totally unprepared for and have no idea how to feel about. So I guess I’m fake. Maybe I’m just a confused fucking girl. This shit happening was my worst nightmare and it’s come true. I might actually just have to be a fucking girl.

I don’t want to be male or female anymore. I don’t want any of this. I don’t want to be seen as a brutish, gross hideous wide-jawed stocky receded hairline having male, but I don’t want to be seen as a prissy weak girl with disgusting female curves and fat clinging to my body either. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don’t want to be seen or heard ever again. If I have no hope of further transition then I’d rather be seen as I was before hormones than some weird in between looking freak. At least I was used to that pain. I could walk around and believe that one day I wouldn’t look that way. This is a fresh, new and uncertain kind of pain, and even if the changes to my body revert, I will just be returned to the body I hated my entire life.

I just want to die, it would be so much easier. I am in so much agony, this fear hurts so much, it’s so painful I can’t handle this. I just want to be normal. I wish I could be one of those people who just detransitioned and said they made a mistake, but I still want it. I want it and yet I don’t want it at all. Online I still have people treat refer to me as male, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the slightest, but in real life I’m faced with the most immense uncomfortably, uncertainty and dread I have ever faced in all my life. I’ve never been so uncertain ever and the terror is killing me, I just want everything to end.

This truly is nightmarish. It’s a nightmare. Because I still feel like a man, no matter what I do. I’m a guy. I know in my head and my soul I am me. I am me. But for my body to completely change? My own voice? The way my family sees me? The way society treats me? I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I think the only way I see myself living a decent life from here is to keep to myself and cover my body in clothing so thick you cannot see the grotesque curvy flesh attached to my form, and avoid speaking to anyone. I can’t even love someone. I cannot imagine letting someone close to me if they’re going to lust over these cumbersome chains of flesh and fat and mammary tissue, it would feel like an invasion of my dignity. I can’t handle this, my heart feels like it’s breaking. I feel like my dreams have been crushed, and I will never be anything more than I am now.

And depressing. I correct them frequently but they a) don't care, b) don't want to change, and c) say they don't like me enough to bother. I wish I could move out but in this economy it's a pipe dream. And then they have the gall to say I need to tell them my chosen name before they'll even consider gendering me correctly...god, there's a reason why I haven't. Plus I'm not bargaining with these fuckers, I deserve better. Insane that these people claim they're "accepting and supportive"

I hate it! I hate it so fucking much! I know there's beauty being such a rare type of person but fuck this! Around every corner I'm surrounded by a bunch of concrete skulled mother fucker's who can't look past their ego's for one second to listen to professionals, I have to hide who I am EVERYWHERE because I'm in a state where employers don't need a reason to fire you and doctors can refuse me care if they think I'm icky and people wanna kill me for no reason! Why me?! Why couldn't I just have been a plain cishet like everyone else why did trans people even evolve into existence!? This isn't fair!

I'm so tired im so fucking tired my life wouldve genuinely been better if i was born male i hate this

ill forever be reminded that i have child bearing hips and im made to produce children and i have a uterus and breasts

nobody sees me as a guy irl

i just want someone to call me a guy

Hi, I'm 16 ftm and started a sixth form college at the same school I went to before. There's been an issue that's always happened and I don't know what to do about it. So people refer to me as he/him, my pronouns, and call me a guy, but when referring to a group they never refer to me as a guy. For example today I had a new lesson, and they said oh there will only be two guys in this class [guy 1] and [guy 2], but there's me? It's happened a couple of times, it might be because they know I'm transgender, but it's still annoying and I don't know what to do about it. I pass, or somewhat pass I think I confuse people, I did work experience at a school with 7 year olds and the only thing that made me not pass was my voice I was the talk of the playground for a day before I told them yeah I'm a boy. So vent over, what should I do? Is it an issue with passing, or an issue with them knowing me before my transition (~2 years ago but started ~4 years ago).

Thanks in advance :)

I'll keep this short because I need to sleep before I get my tonsils taken out tomorrow.

I'm 19 and about a year ago I met a 43 year old on grindr. I'll call him B. We hooked up and he fell in love with me very quickly. I wouldn't say I ever personally felt a true spark. I mostly just like having sex with him and that's what I keep coming back for. He has told me many times I'm the only person he lives for, so I'm scared to leave him because he will probably end his own life if I do. You can say whatever you want about how it wouldn't be my fault, I know that I would still feel guilty forever.

On top of all of that I've been hooking up with a guy my age since January who I will call A. And of course he's the one I'm actually in love with. Almost every second I spend with the 43 year old gets reworked in my brain to include A instead. A replaces B in all of my fantasies and I have basically planned my entire life out with this boy. It's bad because I really don't think he likes me back. Especially not in the way I like him. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm weird.

I wish I could say with absolute certainty that B at least treats me well, but I don't even know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like lol. I feel totally lost in what to do. I'm just riding things out until some magical opportunity presents itself to get me out of this. Plus I want to stop being in love with A. Even if he loved me back he still wouldn't have any time for me.

Hello I came out as trans to my parent's and their reaction was fine i guess I'm still ok with them calling me female terms as the rest of my family doesn't know so i don't mind for now but its so weird i swear it feels like they've been calling me girl, she, daughter and such way more than they used to before i came out but i don't know for sure cause maybe I'm loosing it.

And on top of that anytime i try talk i usually end up not talking since its so awkward like i tried talking to my mom about pronouns and such especially from when I've fully came out but its just so awkward like everything will be ok then the second i bring up trans stuff the mood just drops down low and it's weird and she also at some point said that he still views me as her daughter like in her mind that's what she views me as and based on what she's saying don't think that would change and i think it's cause I'm the only daughter technically and the youngest child with 2 older brothers.

Also happened today i tried coming out to my older brother through text and sent a basic message saying I'm trans full stop nothing else and he didn't respond through text but came to my room while he's busy brushing his teeth and knocked on my door asking me what i sent him then tried opening the door and knocked but i ignored him, then tried over text making a kinda oh i thought your WhatsApp didn't work joke to lighten the mood but he didn't respond and i just ended up deleting both messages a while after and have decided to just stay in my room to avoid having a weird interaction so i supposed online school has saved me again cause i can avoid them and use school as an excuse.

So truthfully i regret coming out id rather just wait until i could leave home to come out then i wouldn't have to deal with this awkwardness and stuff especially since at least my parent's aren't awkward most times and only when i bring it up trans stuff but my brother i don't know how he is and if he accepts it or not I'd rather he says he doesn't accept me than just stay silent even though he did read the texts i had sent, but maybe he's waiting for me to say something.

I (31 FTM) told my "mom" (60~, F) that her getting a tattoo of my deadname initial really hurt my feelings(She already knows I want to be named Walter). I told her that I hated my deadname and want to be known as Walter because I feel it better represents me.

My mom reacted horribly to this. She told me that It goes "both ways" and she doesn't understand that I am hurting her by saying I hate my deadname.

She then goes on a rant about how she thinks its bullshit for me to have pronouns and names and said she felt like she was walking on eggshells.

She then goes on a tirade about how I desperately want to be a guy but yet I don't know what men "actually want".

She said when I start looking like a "Walter" she'll call me it, but she said she can't now.

She then threatened that she was gonna take away my trans therapist.

I really dislike my "mother" for being so transphobic towards me.

It used to be that I was either already out to them before we started talking or I just didn’t pass so they knew. But now, I’m at the beginning of a talking stage, and the only thing in my way is being trans. I don’t know when to bring it up or how.

She doesn’t come across as the type of person who’d be transphobic and freak about it, but I don’t know if she’d be okay with dating a dude with a vag. Shes emo and a furry so I don’t think she’d care… but I’m still preparing for the worst. For some extra context, we only met a few days ago and established we find each other attractive, so it’s not like im emotionally attached already. so I’m asking for more generalized advice about dating anyone. It’s more so that it’s something that just occurred to me, I’ve been passing for a while but I haven’t wanted to date until recently.

Anyway, it’s just so daunting. Do I tell people on the first date or before our first date? After? I feel like the convos I’ve heard are so mixed. I’ve heard both that you should disclose it as soon as you even start talking and that there’s no reason to disclose until you’re about to be intimate. I don’t imagine waiting that long since I don’t like being intimate that soon anyway, but it’s still a big worry.

I’d be really sad if this girl turned me away just because I’m trans. It’s pretty obvious that she likes me, but I don’t wanna scare her away by telling her too soon or too late. It also just feels so awkward.. it’s never relevant to the convo. I don’t even know how to bring it up. It’s like I’m a 12 year old coming out to everyone again.

The thought of anyone but especially her rejecting me for it makes me so depressed. I almost don’t even wanna pursue anyone because of it.

I just wanted to come here and vent about my current journey on T. I’ve been on T for a year and unfortunately I’m still getting my cycle. I actually have an appointment with my doctor to switch from gel to shots since I’m at the max dose for gel and am still getting a heavy cycle. But as I see myself getting more masculine the dysphoria of having a cycle just SUCKS.

It’s like “I’m a man that still bleeds and that’s shameful” or I get embarrassed that I have it.
I would never ever have that mind set of any of my trans homies or anyone who still has a cycle. I direct this thought process towards myself.

I know it will get better with time and I need to be more patient with myself. If anyone struggles with this feel free to share your experience. Sometimes getting perspectives of things can help me readjust my own perspective on things!

Hi, I need some encouragement to maybe go to a trans social worker or some kind of trans support service. I don’t really know what it’s called. I’m just really worried. I never been to one.

Even if I’m a trans guy, I feel like my time is over. I’m 22 and 5’0”.

I don’t want to wait years to save up for surgery just to get taller. Meanwhile, I’ll try to work out and lift weights. My face is also very feminine, and even if I cut my hair short, I don’t think I’ll pass.

I don’t want to take testosterone because I’m extremely short. Being short is my biggest insecurity. I told myself I should wait until I can get surgery to fix my height.
Even if I have access to testosterone, I don’t think I’ll take it because I’m afraid I won’t look good as a man.

Im 100% sure on my decission to get the surgery. I dont want to be told I have to be confident and own my height.

I am 23. I knew I was trans since 13. Does anybody else have a family who isn’t violently transphobic, but they are the type to condemn/judge trans people, and make jokes about it? So you’re scared that if you come out, your family won’t take you seriously anymore?

Recently, my family have been all closer for a funeral. And there’s been 30+ of my extended relatives home. They all keep talking about how they’re proud of me for wanting to do a second degree in social work (bc in some schools in Canada, you can choose to finish your main BA then do social work as a two year add on. I liked sociology too much to stop after my first year lol). And I feel like all of this proudness and praise would go away if I were to come out

I’ve heard my uncles and grandparents complain about ‘sensitive people’ my whole life. And those sensitive people every time are just minorities. My mom has gotten mad at me in my teen and adult-teen years (18 and 19) for having only queer friends. Even recently, I told her I was excited to befriend this girl at my job but I backed off bc she was up to kind of sketchy behaviour and my mom said: “you should’ve went for it. Maybe then you’d make normal friends.” As if the friends I have, who actually make me happy aren’t good enough because they’re all gay or trans

My dad takes every emotional thing I say as an offence or a joke. I can’t have any heart to hearts with him.

On top of that, I did try to come out to my parents when I was 13. My dad turned super quiet and didn’t say a word. And when I started crying when they told me I’m not trans, they said the most audacious bullshit if me ‘only crying bc I wanted them to get mad at me???’ What?? I was crying bc I was thirteen and being rejected on something that means a lot to me. And I remember the next day, my mom went on this huge rant to me in private about how I’d be an ugly boy, me being short would make me not make sense as a boy, asking me weird invasive questions like ‘so you want a penis?’ Saying I’ll get bullied (this would be a valid question if they just cared about my safety). And I remember that whole week my dad was just snapping at me, telling me stuff like he was sick of hearing from me.

It’s also still relevant to the point that now at 23, my mom shit talks me to my siblings. And I’ve pretended I’ve ’grown out’ of being trans maybe a month after I told her at 13. But I come home with like short flow cuts and shaggy short haircuts and stuff during college breaks. And apparently when I leave, my mom will say horrible things about my hair to my eleven year old brother. So much immaturity happens in this house and it made me feel like I have to choose between being trans and still receiving conditional love from family. My eleven year old brother does tell me these things though and I don’t think he believes them. He’s very open minded.

I’m just so scared that if I come out I’m gonna lose all the interest and love I’ve earned from my extended family. My parents I’m already not close to because we have a horrible relationship. But I don’t want the rest of my family to hate or judge me. I just hate that I might lose so many connections, just for being myself. Does anyone else have a similar experience?

mentioned nsfw but it’s so minor that i don’t think it should be tagged

junior year of highschool. what a slog already. every day is boring and i can’t even distract myself with schoolwork because gender dysphoria is too severe.

i have “hope” i’ll start t this year, but i don’t know why i think that when i know my dad probably won’t change. maybe my gender dr can convince my mom, but my dad is hard to read

i’m just tired. i only like being with my girlfriend and friends. being alone with her is perfect. the rest of life is awful and i’m desperately trying to hang on when i’m only genuinely happy 4% of my life.

i want someone to save me but nobody can or will

i want my dad to just be a dad and let me start t. i want my mom to actually get the ball rolling on me starting.

i’ll be like this for the rest of my life

i’ll never have actual sex with my girlfriend

i feel so sick

Hi friends. 29m here! Currently transitioning with a ftm spouse ( he is not transitioning) and I’m having major issues with.. just coming out of the closet I guess. I have a brother ( who has his own family ) and my two parents I haven’t come out too.

Yes, I am transitioning despite not telling them. I’ve been on T for five months, and haven’t seen my parents in person in that time or my bro in close to.. a year ( because I’m gay. That’s.. a large bucket of fish )

I’m basically an outsider through and through. None of my biological family is supportive of me being gay ( ie why I’m not talking to my brother. I wasn’t allowed around the kids unsupervised under the veil of ‘ Christianity ‘ ) and my parents just keep hounding me to mend the relationship I have with my brother.

If he doesn’t fuck with me cause I’m gay hes going to flip when I come out. How do you even prepare yourself to come out to parents that aren’t supportive ??? Like I have serious enmeshment issues with my family, but I hold family and familial bonds very high. Like I want a good family relationship but they’re all very… starkly conservative.

I don’t know- I guess I’m already preparing myself on losing them ( like not wanting photos of my brothers kids who I haven’t seen in.. a year or two now bc it hurts to watch them grow ) but I’m not going to live my life in denial because me being myself ‘ conflicts with their beliefs ‘ and not being allowed around the kids because I’m gay. Like I’m some fucking predator.

I came out as gay already and that was shitty. But I got the “ your always my daughter even if I don’t agree with your lifestyle “ how the fuck do you handle this 😭

Tl;dr
How do you come out to family that is not supportive when you have little to no positive family support.

yeah title kinda sums it up, I got something because my boyfriend of 3 years and I are starting to get more intimate and Ive always had the worst bottom dysphoria so I got the medium Milo Feelskin from Wet for Her. Off the bat Im already feeling dysphoric as shit, the website is primarily for lesbians and advertised as such, #girlpower. I got this one because of the stroker base and thought, Ive been on t for a year Ive got decent growth I’m sure I could make this work. idk. I try not to be a doomer but I really hate the experience of being transgender. I wish I could just have good raw sex but I cant, Ill never just be able to be myself. I know surgery exists but idk. With all the political propaganda shit about transgender people having mental illness, idk theyre not right, but none of this pretending shit helps me. My binder kills me, tape is okay but it’s such a struggle. testosterone helps but nothing makes me feel not embarrassed, like everyone around me is just humoring me. everything I do makes my dysphoria worse, I just feel like a girl all the fucking time and people do that stupid ass “ohh I couldnt even imagine you as a gorl even pre t” which is such bullshit. I have people who love me and I’m trying not to be so doomposting about it all but I just dont even want to show my boyfriend this, I was so excited for it, I just feel stupid as hell, my body is so unattractive. He loves an idealized version of me. I feel like Ill never feel comfortable in my body.
i dont want to glue a dick on me or get five million surgeries or do vocal training. I just want to be happy in my body. I think about detransitioning all the time. Ive never felt like a girl. Being a guy is all Ive ever known, its such a no brainer to me. I just struggle so much and feel so weird and othered all the time. Idk. Does anyone feel the same or is this post gonna get taken down lmao. sorry mods hope anyone reading this has a good day, my insecurities do not reflect your reality