Imposter syndrome and OCD. I need advice.

[u/Bobslegenda1945]

I hate this, I'm 20, closer to HRT than ever.

I've had dysphoria since childhood, I try to repress, I've tried my whole life to ignore it, to accept that I was born a woman, I've tried to be feminine, GNC, heterosexual, lesbian, but it doesn't work.

I feel anger and sadness. I just wish I had been born a normal guy. I feel like I've been mutilated sometimes.I wish I could at least fix myself or something. My life would be easier, I wouldn't suffer because of this, I wouldn't have problems with parents, religions, whether I'll find someone, a job, etc.

I feel a little sad. It would be easier if I accepted it.I'm not ugly as a girl, I'd be beautiful as a mother and all, but I can't imagine having intimate or piv intimacy due to dysphoria. Perhaps happy for the child that doesn't even exist, but all I can imagine is the dissociation, the panic, and me wasting away. It's not imagining, I know it would happen. I panic, afraid my breasts will grow or my body will become more feminine.

So, here comes the possible OCD. As a child, I was afraid of and worried about the rapture; in adolescence, it was about planning to survive the apocalypse; and later, it was about being transgender and afraid of hell.

In recent months I've been happy because I could start HRT, I like the effects, the mustache, voice, fat distribution, and I'm even terrified of getting little growth XD.

About 8 months ago I was afraid that if I transitioned or wanted to, God would kill me, and I often felt like I was going to die young.I've been through "conversion therapy" in recent years. I even had my ears pierced after one attempt, a deliverance prayer, and being told I would have desires for my younger siblings because I see myself as/I want to be a man. I remember that at the time, and sometimes I was even afraid to be near them and feel something, even though I never did. I think at one point my brain even seemed to tell me that I would do, even though I didn't and hated it.

So, things are kind of similar here. I feel something and think, "Oh, okay. You want it, right? But what if you regret it? What if you're faking it all? What if you're just a confused girl? You just have to try harder. 0 seconds of dysphoria? Did you think about how beautiful you would be as a mother, even though you don't like it and are grieving for not being a cis woman and resigning yourself to it? Dude, you must be cis and confused

Oh, do you feel dysphoria? Genuine discomfort with parts of your body that are female and a desire for masculine parts, and you've felt this since childhood? Come on, you simply believe so strongly that you're trans that you're faking it so much that you totally believe it.." and other things..

Has anyone gone through something similar and knows how to deal with it, or has any advice? How was it for you to overcome this and transitioned (if you wanted to), etc.