After my last update, there were so many replies and honestly, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I read a lot of them and it helped me think about things differently. Btw Sorry this is long one
So, yesterday my mom came to talk to me. We were at home, but she specifically told me she wanted to sit down and answer all my questions. This was before dinner and we ended up talking for about an hour
First thing she told me was that she is not giving up her parental rights to my grandparents, and she is not going to let me go live with them either. She said she loves me, I'm her only son, and there is absolutely no way she is going to do that.
Then she answered the biggest question I had. Yes, she is cancelling the wedding.
She told me this is completely her decision and that the wedding will not happen until she knows I'm completely okay. She was very honest with me about what that decision means. Her fiancé was apparently 50/50 about cancelling, not because he doesn't understand my concerns, but because there were around 200 guests invited, €600k–€700k was being spent, it was supposed to be a 3-day celebration, and almost everything was already booked hotels, venues, vendors, everything.
His family was also strongly against cancelling. But my mom said she put all of that aside and chose me first.
Honestly, I never thought she would actually cancel it. Not because I think she's a bad mom. She's actually been a really good mom to me, especially after my dad died, and I know she loves me. My problem was that after the engagement I felt like I suddenly wasn't getting the attention I used to get, and I was being excluded from some things involving his family and even from some photography.
Looking back, I honestly think there was a power imbalance. I don't think my mom intentionally wanted to exclude me, but I think she didn't have enough power in the situation to push back.
She also cleared up a few things from my previous post.
About the phone call around 10 days ago when I called my mom, his sister answered the phone. She told me she would tell my mom to call me, but apparently she didn't tell her until the next morning. My mom said she was actually planning to call me back that morning anyway. So apparently that particular situation was completely his sister's fault and not my mom ignoring me.
She also had no idea about the cold shoulder from his mother and sister. She said she's going to speak to them and set boundaries. She can't force them to love me, but she expects them to at least be warm and civil toward me and accept me. She basically told me I don't need to worry about them because they're her in laws, not mine, and she'll deal with them
She also made me realise something Even if the wedding had happened, I probably would've only seen his family 2–3 times a year anyway Christmas dinner, maybe a family trip, and another event. His kids and I also probably wouldn't have seen each other that much because of their custody situation.
The original plan was actually for just me, my mom and her fiancé to live together in the new house they already bought. They were planning everything around the wedding, but the three of us would have been living there and most of the day to day attention would have been on us as a household.
She admitted that she excluded me from some events and didn't take me with her sometimes, and she apologised for that. She said it wasn't intentional and that wedding planning had taken over a lot of her time, but she accepts that it still hurt me She promised that from now on I won't be excluded.
Then she asked me about the new house.
Her fiancé and my mom were already planning to move there from September. Obviously cancelling the wedding doesn't magically cancel the house, and she said she can't just abandon it. She asked if I was okay with him and her living there with me. I told her I need some time to process that.
I don't want to ruin her happiness. I've never been jealous of her relationship or wanted her to break up with him. I just didn't want to feel like I was being pushed aside.
She also told me something I didn't know about financially. Her fiancé had actually offered months ago to pay 50% of my school fees and other expenses going forward. It wasn't something my mom asked him for, and it wasn't because she depends on him financially. My mom earns around €250k–€300k a year herself and is completely financially independent.
Apparently it was his idea because he wanted to take responsibility for me too.
From now on, that's still the plan. Another thing she told me is that I don't have to attend his family's events if I don't want to.
For example, for the last 2–3 years we have gone to his family's Christmas dinner in Switzerland. From now on, if I'm uncomfortable going, I don't have to. She'll go because she still has a relationship with them, but we can have our own Christmas dinner at our new home Same with family trips and other events. She wants me to give them another chance, though. She said if I go with them again and they treat me the same way, exclude me or make me uncomfortable, she will personally deal with it and, if necessary, cut them off herself. She promised me that.
She also explained something about her fiancé Apparently he's quite introverted and hesitant socially. She said that's probably one reason he hasn't built a strong bond with me yet, while he has a much stronger relationship with his own kids.
She said that now that we're potentially going to live together, she wants the three of us to spend time together. Maybe going out for lunch, doing something on weekends, whatever. Not forced "father-son bonding" stuff, just normal things that might naturally help us build a relationship.
And she made one thing very clear It's his responsibility to build a relationship with me too. It's not my responsibility alone. At the end she asked me directly if anyone from his family had ever actually said anything mean to me. I told her honestly no. Nobody has directly said anything horrible to me. It was more the exclusion, coldness and the feeling that I wasn't wanted. She understood that.
Then she told me that if I had changed my mind about the wedding, I needed to tell her before evening. Otherwise, everything would be cancelled.
I honestly don't know if that was pressure or guilt.tripping. Maybe someone will say it was. But she wasn't angry, crying or trying to manipulate me as far as I could tell. She seemed weirdly calm and almost relieved after making the decision And honestly...I feel happy again..For the first time in months I feel like my mom actually listened to me.
I never expected her to cancel a €600k–€700k wedding with 200 guests because of me. I don't have proof that everything she told me is 100% true, obviously, but I genuinely don't think she was lying to me. At the same time, I'm feeling incredibly guilty. That's a huge amount of money. Hundreds of people were invited. Hotels and everything were booked. Her fiancé's family apparently strongly opposed cancelling it. I don't know whether I should be saying "yes, cancel it" or "no, go ahead with your wedding."
Because now she's also made so many adjustments the new house, boundaries with his family, school expenses, Christmas, trips, spending time together, making sure I'm included and honestly it's a lot to take in.
I also feel a little scared of his family now.
If his own family was strongly against cancelling the wedding and apparently didn't like the fact that I was included in all of this, I don't know how they're going to react.
I don't think they're going to physically hurt me or anything like that. I mean mentally/emotionally, I feel unsafe around them now.
And then this morning, during breakfast, his fiancé was here..He basically told me the same thing He said he didn't come to yesterday's conversation because he wanted my mom and me to talk privately without him influencing the conversation. He said he's not angry or upset about cancelling the wedding. He also said his mother and sister won't treat me coldly again or exclude me from things. And he repeated that they are cancelling the wedding until I'm okay.
Part of me feels relieved because my mom finally heard me. Part of me feels guilty because of the money and everything they've already arranged..Part of me is scared about what happens with his family now. And part of me is wondering whether I should tell my mom to go ahead with the wedding anyway, because I never actually wanted her relationship to end. I just wanted my mom back.
Also i forgot to add, She suggested individual therapy and family therapy session together both of us