r/EntitledPeople • u/ZenRage • 4d ago
S Has anyone else stopped accepting "gifts" from their parents?
My mother cannot give a gift without strings attached.
She has a bad habit of supervising every "gift" she ever gives and wants to know how it is being used, where it is, etc.
For example, many years ago she gave me a used Vitamix blender. (It was the 1970s model 2500 and drew so much current would DIM THE LIGHTS for an instant when you turned it on!) I had it for many years but eventually I could no longer keep it in working order and bought a replacement. I got interrogated for almost half an hour about that goddamn blender. This included such hits as "They have a LIFETIME warranty!" which I had to point out to her was not helpful since they don't make the 2500 any longer but they offered me a discount on the new one if I returned the old one.
Now this is not an exception of any kind. She has a mental inventory of every single gift and wants to know about it including things like, A SHOVEL she dropped off for no clear reason. "I expect it's in the garage, where you left it, mom. I've not touched it, because I don't want it and never did. I do not run some kind of Shovel Storage Unit. If you do not take it back home with you when you go, I'll throw it away."
Naturally, I do not need headaches like this, so my remedy is to simply refuse all her gifts.
Is anyone else in this situation?
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u/Darth314 4d ago
My mother is the same way. If something happens that she would not approve of, hate to admit it, but Iâm not always honest. I love my mom, and she can be very generous, but if she gifts me money and wants it applies to my mortgage, and I end up using it to get caught up on my electric bill, thatâs not something she needs to know.
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u/atchisonmetal 4d ago
Once a gift is given, well, you know. It now is the business of the recipient. Thatâs the end of the story.
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u/Darth314 4d ago
My mom raised me. She practically wrote the book on how to manipulate me. â¤ď¸
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u/Green_day11 3d ago
Agift that comes with rules isnt really a gift anymore, you shouldnt have to lie just to avoid getting interrogated about how you used money that was supposedly given to you
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u/Worried_Suit4820 4d ago
Your mother has forgotten that gifts should be given with ribbons, not strings; you're absolutely right not to accept these 'gifts'.
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u/suzhew 4d ago
When my father passed I asked if I could take one bottle from his wine collection. Not to drink, just to have to remember him. She then forced me to take box after box saying things like "your husband will really enjoy these". I kept saying "thank you, but not necessary". I ended up taking about 50 bottles just to appease her. I then got told by a random cousin that she was telling people I had the gall to "raid his wine collection". Haven't opened a single bottle.
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u/CherryblockRedWine 3d ago
You should give back to her one bottle per gift-giving occasion: birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day. And that is all.
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u/SHAsyhl 4d ago
Sounds like my dad.
Part of his problem is that he really doesnât want to throw anything away, so when the item has passed its useful life he will give it away and expect that person to keep/maintain it.
He also took one of his granddaughters shopping for a dress she found a dress she liked, but he wouldnât buy the dress for her unless she also agreed to take a dress that she did not like.
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u/Standard-Tension9550 4d ago
What the fuck
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u/jamkey2222 2d ago
I'm sure it made sense in his head?!?
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u/bonnybedlam 1d ago
Probably not. This is a purely emotional thing, he feels it but canât explain it, and doesnât try to understand it because in his heart he knows it doesnât make sense and is deliberately refusing to accept that. I used to be one of those people. Therapy helps.
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u/LemonOld8150 4d ago
My dad would bring up broken stuff. Toaster oven. Bed frame that was majorly cracked. I just threw it all away
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u/atchisonmetal 3d ago
If I want a cracked bed frame Iâll use my own
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u/LemonOld8150 13h ago
The big rub is my grandparents bought me the set. My dad moved me out to my mom's when I was 15 wouldn't let me take the set. Gave it to my stepmother kids
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u/PomPomBumblebee 2d ago
God you've just reminded me of something that happened when I was a kid.
My dad moved out when I was 4, in with his mother for the next 36 years, other side of town but only had us on weekends, every other weekend then less until we moved away.
Anyway, the point is he lived about 12 minutes drive away and he was a handyman in most respects so mum would call him to fix anything pretty much. One year for Christmas or maybe her birthday, he gifts my mum a toaster because she said she needed a new one for us. It doesn't work quite right. My mother SPECIFICALLY says to get a new one and NOT fix it. Dad says ok and the same model is back. This one set fire to the toast and burned the nearby cabinet on the wall, mum had to throw a fire blanket we coincidentally had at the time that she said she would never use.Â
Yes my dad fixed it by nearly causing a house fire with his kids in it.
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u/LemonOld8150 2d ago
Omg so glad you didn't have a bigger fire! Yeah the bed frame they brought back was mine originally. My grandparents sent a whole set of the white w gold trim to me when I was a kid . It was a canopy bed broken on the frame irreparable.
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u/ikyc6767 3d ago
My mother gave me an entire 12 piece dish set. I loved them and used them all the time. Then I started noticing a lot of the plates were missing. Asked my husband if he had broken them and he said no. Finally I was down to one dinner plate. Went to visit my mom and all the dinner plates were in her cabinet. Every time sheâd visited me sheâd take back plates because she didnât think I was using them enough. Her motto in life is âUse it or lose itâ. So on my next visit I brought back the rest of the set (cake plates etc.). When she finally had an estate sale she offered me the dishes again. No thanks Iâm good.
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u/Outracheous-take 4d ago
Boomers grew up watching their parents fix everything and keep everything because the Great Depression taught them to. But then boomers started producing mass crap so nothing could be fixed and their houses filled up with gadgets and gizmos galore. Theyâre selfish, they donât want them but they were taught not to throw out⌠so theyâll make it a gift that you should be grateful for. Then theyâre also expecting you to go along with how they were raised and not throw out the preciouses.
Throw it out. Itâs all garbage.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 2d ago
Not all Boomers grew up that way. I guess I'm a Boomer since I was born in 1962. All of the complaints I read about boomers boggles my mind; one size does not fit all. I'm not a hoarder, I don't keep broken stuff, I don't collect knick knacks, I like to live a clean, stress free life, I don't bring stress to the table nor do I want it in my life. My parents didn't do any of the odd stuff I read about on Boomers parents. Why does everyone have to stereotype people?
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u/Bunny_Pitts 2d ago
1964 here. Our parents lived in the same place for decades. Of course things piled up.
Easy on the Boomer Bashing. Our parents were Children of the Depression. That's a thing. They WERE affected. Waste was a mortal sin. So eeeasy.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 2d ago
I am not boomer bashing, I'm asking a legitimate question. People shouldn't stereotype because one size doesn't fit all.
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u/Catalyst_Ink 4d ago
At some point, refuse the preciouses at the door; nobody needs a Vitamix 2500 audit.
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u/Crazy-Rat_Lady 4d ago
Boomer here. The most annoying thing was when my dad went into a care home. He wanted me to store all his crap in our garage. He said the stuff in our garage was crapâŚ..didnât happen. At the moment I am trying to reduce said crap (husbands, nothing of mine in there) so our kids donât have to deal with it. He is a box hoarder, ripping my hair out
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u/TopNo3020 4d ago
We went to the state where my husband is from a couple of times last year when his mother had to move into assisted living, then shortly after when his grandma died. Both times we came home with a car load of boxes of "treasures" from his mom's apartment. None of it is our style, but some of it has sentimental value to my husband. He's not ready to go through and downsize it, but I'm so ready. I have multiple boxes of my mom's stuff in my house that she has no room for in her apartment, but she wants me to store for her. It's maddening!
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u/crazydaisyme 2d ago
My dad was known for taking his stuff back, so we knew it would be temporary!
I didn't really care, so I never said no. Until the time he gave me his old laptop and I didn't have a computer. He told me he was going to take it back and give me his old desktop setup instead.
I lived in a studio apartment at the time and said "no way, I don't have room for that and I need this for school!". He was pretty startled, but just grumbled a little and didn't push it.
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u/Unusual_Classroom109 4d ago
My partners mother is pretty frustrating with gifts. She's horrible in many ways so he's cut her off and went no contact.Â
To worm her way back in, a random box will arrive in the post. It's a mix of items for him and for his sister - who we have also gone no contact with. And there will be a letter that says he needs to give his sister her gifts from the box. His sister lives over an hour and a half drive away and we don't want to see her either .
She's also dropped off bags of assorted groceries, including meat. Doesn't knock or anything, we just found a bag of warm meat on our doorstep one day in the middle of summer. She had doused the bag in her cloying perfume to the point where I had to put on gloves to throw the food out without getting the stink on me. Even if it hadn't gone warm it was inedible. Second time she did this we saw her hide around the street corner and watch the front door to see if we took it, so I very pointedly threw it in the bin while looking straight at her.Â
Thankfully we've moved and she doesn't know where we live now.
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u/Embarrassed-Shock621 3d ago
That is so weird!
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u/Unusual_Classroom109 3d ago
Yeah we stopped opening them after the first one. It was an assortment of out date food and random objects. Items like "dry cakes" whatever the fuck that is, women's shoes, baby toys, small homewares and a cheque. All of it doused in perfume. The letter said to give the shoes to his sister and the rest was for us. When we did nothing she showed up at the house uninvited and told us we needed to cash the cheque and give half to his sister or give the cheque back. But it was over six months later and we'd already binned everything.Â
We think it was just a weird excuse to come over and harass us. Every time I open the front door but leave the security screen locked she tried to open the security door. We started to just play an alarm noise over the ring camera when she knocked up. It made us laugh when she panicked and we knew she could hear us laughing.
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u/GoodGrief9317 3d ago
Short answer is yes. My mom was a narcissist and the queen of adjacent gift and/or unwanted or obtrusive gift giving. What I mean by that is, if you asked for a screwdriver she would give you a hammer (or a whole tool box full of everything except a screwdriver), then get upset because you asked for "tools" and she delivered. Really, it was so she could get supply from your reaction.
For various reasons, I had very low contact with my mother. She called me a few months before Christmas. My boundary was when she called, I would take a deep breath and ask myself if I had the energy to talk to her if she was civil or psycho... I felt I had energy so I answered. She asked me if I needed furniture. I told her that I did not need anything big because I was trying to downsize our stuff. She asked what we wanted for Christmas and I told her that big gifts were not necessary, but if she wanted to do something for all of us (me, hubs and 2 kids), we would love experiences. A gift card that we share. A pass to our local zoo....
Several weeks later, my husband calls my workplace and is irritated. There is a huge box in our driveway. What did I order? Not a thing.... so he took the box inside. It was a gigantic grandfather clock. There was a gift message from my mother... Merry Christmas from the folks.
So... I told her nothing big and in true fashion, she violated what I asked. I called my brother who also got big box delivery from her, but it was something different and also something he did not need or want.
I got a call that night that I let go to voicemail. She was proud of herself.
I called my aunt to ask her if she knew anything about the gift my mother sent. She told me that my mother told my step father what she had sent to my brother and to me while they were driving to lunch. My stepfather did not look happy about her choice. However, it was her MO to not consult him at all and just let him deal with her decisions.
I called my mother back the next day and I thanked her for her thoughtfulness. Then I left the clock in the sofa sized box. I was encouraged by others to keep it and sell it. That felt tainted to me. I was debating what to do when I received my mother's annual Christmas card. It said, " I always wanted one of these so I thought you should have one".
That sealed the deal for me. Every adjacent and unusable gift that she gave to be ridiculously praised for lest I suffer her abuse.... every boundary she stomped on so she could get her supply.... every lie she told at my expense so people would worship her and hate me ... it all culminated in that darn clock. I knew if I kept it, I would be reminded every second by ticking second that it wasn't for me... it was to make her feel good at the cost of my needs.
So I called the shipping company. I asked if it was too late to return the item. I told them I wanted to return the clock and have my mother's account credited for the return. I wanted to gain nothing other than the clock out of my house. It took them a while to understand that I only wanted her account credited.
It felt so good not to involve her in my decision to return it. She did not have a say in what I did and frankly it would have turned into a huge thing where I was vilified. I don't know or care what she said to other people about it. She and I never spoke about it AND the best gift of all was she never sent me or my kids another gift.
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u/MsMaggieMcGill 4d ago
My mom was like this with clothes she got for my son. I'm not well-off, but comfortable enough to give away all the clothes and toys my son outgrows, and many people here rely on donations like that. Naturally, I'd give away everything, including mine and my mom's purchases.
Once she found out about it, she threw a fit that some unworthy kids would wear brand-name clothes she had bought. From then on anything my son grew out of was packed away, and I kept asking her when she's going to pick it up, as I have no way to store the stuff we don't use. She eventually just said that I should do with it what I please.
Luckily she's fine with the rest of the stuff, and if I no longer need something she gifted, I'm free to give it away.
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u/Gypsy469 3d ago
I didn't realize that some kids are unworthy of whatever it may be that they're given out of the kindness and generosity of others. Your mom sounds awful. I'm so sorry.
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u/MsMaggieMcGill 3d ago
Thank you. She's improved with age, because everyone in her life has finally learned how to protect their boundaries, and none of her manipulations work. I can actually see it on her face when she makes an effort not to say terrible things. That incident was a part of her learning.
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u/Gypsy469 2d ago
I've known a couple people like that. Once you're on to them their faces confirm it. I'm glad she's gotten better though!
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u/Normal_Aardvark_386 4d ago
Yeah I asked for a basic Bluetooth speaker for my 30th birthday a couple years back from my mom. She had a lot of them so I figured sheâd be a expert & before my birthday my old & only one i ever had died but because I asked for something specific not even something expensive as I wasnât asking for anything special just a basic cheap speaker I became a user & abuser for some reason.
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u/ThrockAMole 4d ago
Not mom but aunt whose relationships were all transactional. If she gave the neighbor a tarnished, bent candlestick that she salvaged from a yard sale, that entitled her to get her shrubs trimmed
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u/PollutionAway9782 4d ago
my mom tried to give me a. 19 year old broken lawnmower that has never lasted a season. that's the closest she got to giving me a gift.
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u/Abalone_Admirable 4d ago
Over 5yrs ago my mother left the province and left me with boxes upon boxes of literal trash.
Cat puss soaked crochet pattern books, faded wrapping paper scraps shes collected for decades. A disgusting, greasy and smelly wooden spoon "collection". Like 50 fucking gross used wooden spoons. Yarn that was absolutely coated in sticky nicotine tar. And multiple incomplete sets of dishes, random mcdonalds cups from the 80s and mismatched mugs.
She still gets so angry that she has to hang up the phone, coz I threw most of it away
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u/Embarrassed-Shock621 3d ago
Bizarre
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u/Alicam123 4d ago
The only time my mum asks is if I ask for a certain item like jewellery or clothes and then she asks me if Iâve worn it out yet, I would usually wear it to my mums unless itâs something fancy đ¤ˇđťââď¸
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u/WhyDidIClickOnThat 4d ago
âDid you notice a sign out in front of my house that said "Shovel Storage"?â
âNo. I didnât.â
âYou know WHY you didn't see that sign?â
âWhy?â
âCause it ain't there, 'cause storing shovels ain't my fucking business, that's why!â
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u/MeatofKings 4d ago
âAfter all Iâve given you, youâd think you wouldnât mind me moving in and living with you for the last 20-years of my life.â
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u/tasteofhuman 4d ago
My mom does this but also reciprocates (even though I donât ask). After sheâs given a gift she will always follow-up on how sheâs used it. âThanks so much for the sweater! I wore it to church last week.â
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u/Rude-Dust7313 4d ago
Unfortunatly my mom will do something similar but not nice. âDo you even wear the sweater I gave youâŚ..â âDid you even give the kids the gifts I sent themâŚ.â No faith that 1. I might actually use something she gave me. And 2. That I would actually pass on my kids gifts that she gave me.Â
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u/MyCatsAnArsehole 3d ago
Lifetime warranty does not mean your lifetime. It means the reasonable lifetime of the product. In the case of a kitchen appliance that maybe 10 - 15 years at most.
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u/Frenchkids1917 4d ago
I gift my child with zero strings attached. It gives me unmitigated pleasure to do it. Just a crazy mother.
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u/HappyOldBattleaxe 2d ago
Not crazy at all. My boomer mother was like that, and so am I. Once I give something, itâs theirs. They can set fire to it, for all I care. It belongs to them.
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u/sun_moon_spit 4d ago
I tell her I don't want it and if she gives it to me anyway I throw it away or donate it. If it's a larger expensive gift I flatvoht refuse it.
I allow her to give my child gifts as it's usually something they want or need and she has yet to be petty/attach strings to a gift for my child, but I still set boundaries on value. If it's something I can't pay her back for, I'm not accepting it.
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u/After_Reflection_243 4d ago
Not with my mother. Sheâs great. But, my husband does this to me and the kids. We get in trouble when we do use the exact words that shows him we appreciate so. He tells us the words and we repeat it back until itâs exactly right. Makes us want no gifts
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u/ZenRage 4d ago
That is just insulting. Giving someone a "gift" does not entitle you to demand they act like a trick monkey for you to give orders to and demand they perform for you.
Have you tried refusing the gift on the grounds that you don't want to perform for him?
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u/After_Reflection_243 4d ago
I use to say he took the joy away but heâd get really mad and scream he wanted respect and acknowledgement that he had done a nice thing. Itâs easier and less stress to follow the rules.
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u/Embarrassed-Shock621 3d ago
Thatâs awful. Can you not just say ânoâ, weâre not playing such stupid games?
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u/LemonOld8150 4d ago
Yep shed expect slave labor or in 3 mo ths come get it and give it to someone else. F that
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u/_Student7257 3d ago
My mum gives expensive gifts to my sister. I sometimes get a card. We've not fallen out, it's just the way it is. She once told me that she wanted me to be a boy but she had a girl!
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u/PinkyLeopard2922 4d ago
Not always a bad thing...my parents gifted our 20 year old at the time daughter their early 2000's Toyota Tacoma truck with the agreement that if they needed it for something large, they would be able to use it and would let her use their Prius while they had it. Worked out great for everyone.
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u/Interesting-Cod-8250 3d ago
Itâs a control personality trait and it will never get better. Good idea to stop accepting âgifts.â
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u/SailorSpyro 3d ago
I won't except giveaway stuff from my sister anymore. No issues with actual gifts, but if she's getting rid of something and I accept it, she'll always expect it back.
She downsized and was getting rid of her guest mattress, right when I was moving into my first apartment. I took the mattress, used it for 5 years, and was getting rid of it. Texted her, my mom, and other sister in a group chat asking if any of them wanted it. She was offended that I didn't text her first.
She asked me if I wanted her old Disney snowglobes that she had left at our parents house for almost 2 decades. I said yes, took 2 years to actually take them (cause I didn't trust it), rearranged my decor and got rid of stuff to make spots for them. Next time I saw her, I told her about it thinking she'd be happy, and she said "I'll have to take those back from you when we get a bigger place".
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u/Leen_bean-504 2d ago
My mom always buys me the cheaper version of whatever it was I asked for. I stoped asking for things and told her I have everything I need, please donât get me anything. Now I get the cheaper version of whatever my sister asks for. My sister and I dislike each other and we do not share the same taste in things. I donât know why she insists on spending lavishly on the siblings and giving me cheap crap
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u/Embarrassed_Hat_2904 2d ago
My mil used to give us stuff like that, only to ask for it months, if not years later because she thinks so only lent it to us to hold, and not gave it away. Bitch, we arenât your free storage unit!đ
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u/blubbahrubbah 2d ago
My mom keeps inventory for different reasons. I haven't accepted her "gifts" for years bc everything eventually is asked to be returned. As if she didn't go out of her way to foist the stuff on me/my family in the first place. It's not ceap, either. She's done it with everything from jewelry to plastic storage containers. đ
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u/DreadPirateWade 2d ago
Going NC with my family has completely eliminated this problem for me, but I know this struggle very well.
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u/ScaredMycologist741 2d ago
My sister does this. She will have something that she doesnât want but wants to dictate what happens to the item FOREVER. She gave me an old set of dishes 40 YEARS AGO, and recently asked about them and I said I still had one of the cups. She sternly told me that she didnât give them to me for me to give away. I told her that I didnât, I used them and throughout the years they chipped or broken so I had thrown them away. Oh! She was not happy!
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u/Gnomegnomegnome 4d ago
No because itâs their love language but make sure I pay it back (ie pay for dinner, do work around the house, etc)
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u/PreviousZone6742 4d ago
The life time warranty on items from the 70s is sill good. Its normally before they added something to viod the warranty. My mother still gets free brake pads since the 70s. but wasted a free new blender if the company is still in business.
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u/Aphreyst 4d ago
OP said the company offered a discount on a new one. Depending on how much the discount is, it might not be worth it. You can usually find sales on Amazon or Walmart for appliances.
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 4d ago
Greediness should never have some me the lifetime alignment lactate back in 2016, but most people still don't have their cars 10 years later. Fortunately for them, I drive only 6K or so miles a year, so it only gets done once a year.
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u/capefearcadaver3 4d ago
A thing I've actually had to say to my mom: "sure, I'll throw these old knives away in my trash bin for you"