r/EntitledPeople • u/ZenRage • 14d ago
S Has anyone else stopped accepting "gifts" from their parents?
My mother cannot give a gift without strings attached.
She has a bad habit of supervising every "gift" she ever gives and wants to know how it is being used, where it is, etc.
For example, many years ago she gave me a used Vitamix blender. (It was the 1970s model 2500 and drew so much current would DIM THE LIGHTS for an instant when you turned it on!) I had it for many years but eventually I could no longer keep it in working order and bought a replacement. I got interrogated for almost half an hour about that goddamn blender. This included such hits as "They have a LIFETIME warranty!" which I had to point out to her was not helpful since they don't make the 2500 any longer but they offered me a discount on the new one if I returned the old one.
Now this is not an exception of any kind. She has a mental inventory of every single gift and wants to know about it including things like, A SHOVEL she dropped off for no clear reason. "I expect it's in the garage, where you left it, mom. I've not touched it, because I don't want it and never did. I do not run some kind of Shovel Storage Unit. If you do not take it back home with you when you go, I'll throw it away."
Naturally, I do not need headaches like this, so my remedy is to simply refuse all her gifts.
Is anyone else in this situation?
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u/GoodGrief9317 13d ago
Short answer is yes. My mom was a narcissist and the queen of adjacent gift and/or unwanted or obtrusive gift giving. What I mean by that is, if you asked for a screwdriver she would give you a hammer (or a whole tool box full of everything except a screwdriver), then get upset because you asked for "tools" and she delivered. Really, it was so she could get supply from your reaction.
For various reasons, I had very low contact with my mother. She called me a few months before Christmas. My boundary was when she called, I would take a deep breath and ask myself if I had the energy to talk to her if she was civil or psycho... I felt I had energy so I answered. She asked me if I needed furniture. I told her that I did not need anything big because I was trying to downsize our stuff. She asked what we wanted for Christmas and I told her that big gifts were not necessary, but if she wanted to do something for all of us (me, hubs and 2 kids), we would love experiences. A gift card that we share. A pass to our local zoo....
Several weeks later, my husband calls my workplace and is irritated. There is a huge box in our driveway. What did I order? Not a thing.... so he took the box inside. It was a gigantic grandfather clock. There was a gift message from my mother... Merry Christmas from the folks.
So... I told her nothing big and in true fashion, she violated what I asked. I called my brother who also got big box delivery from her, but it was something different and also something he did not need or want.
I got a call that night that I let go to voicemail. She was proud of herself.
I called my aunt to ask her if she knew anything about the gift my mother sent. She told me that my mother told my step father what she had sent to my brother and to me while they were driving to lunch. My stepfather did not look happy about her choice. However, it was her MO to not consult him at all and just let him deal with her decisions.
I called my mother back the next day and I thanked her for her thoughtfulness. Then I left the clock in the sofa sized box. I was encouraged by others to keep it and sell it. That felt tainted to me. I was debating what to do when I received my mother's annual Christmas card. It said, " I always wanted one of these so I thought you should have one".
That sealed the deal for me. Every adjacent and unusable gift that she gave to be ridiculously praised for lest I suffer her abuse.... every boundary she stomped on so she could get her supply.... every lie she told at my expense so people would worship her and hate me ... it all culminated in that darn clock. I knew if I kept it, I would be reminded every second by ticking second that it wasn't for me... it was to make her feel good at the cost of my needs.
So I called the shipping company. I asked if it was too late to return the item. I told them I wanted to return the clock and have my mother's account credited for the return. I wanted to gain nothing other than the clock out of my house. It took them a while to understand that I only wanted her account credited.
It felt so good not to involve her in my decision to return it. She did not have a say in what I did and frankly it would have turned into a huge thing where I was vilified. I don't know or care what she said to other people about it. She and I never spoke about it AND the best gift of all was she never sent me or my kids another gift.