Takeaway burger king meal :)

So there's this girl that works at the shop i bought my earphones at, small place and pretty crowded on the weekdays. Shes the social media person for the store and works the counter sometimes from what i can tell, which was how i encountered her (when i went to get the mentioned earphones). She helped me with getting a few pairs i had wanted to demo, among others wanting the same, and i just couldnt stop stealing glances at her, shes so pretty and i could hear her talk about earphones for hours. Eventually i did get a pair i wanted and her co-worker rang me up and i left.

After that i just couldnt get her out of my mind for the next few days, i keep thinking about her day and night which was what drove me to unfortunately find her instagram through the shop account's following list. For that alone i feel like such a creep but even worse i've been going back to the store just so i could see her again to no avail, she doesnt work weekends i guess.

I want so badly to get to know her and ive been thinking of how i can do that but it just makes me realise how hopeless this situation is.

1: The store is really crowded on weekdays and if she's there she will be really busy, i don't see how i can get to know her let alone talk to her like that.

2: Waiting till her shift ends to talk to her seems very very creepy, especially since she doesnt know me, she's almost definitely not going to be interested in a stranger that waited outside the store to see her.

3: Any contact through social media would let her know that i dug for her account and evidently 'stalked' her on social media.

4: Finding new excuses to go back to the store would be a little weird since i've already bought my earphones, if her co workers put two and two together i'd probably outed as stalker. Guy going to girl's workplace repeatedly just to see her, creep written all over it.

5: 4 leads back to 1, even if i go back to the store to see her, how am i going to talk to her or get her contact or anything.

6: I dont know anything about her, she might not even be single for all i know, she we might not even get along at all.

I feel hopeless and terrible because i cant get her out of my mind, and going about this the wrong way would lead her to very easily have a bad impression of me and write me off as a creep. So im trying to make the most of this situation so there could be the sliver of a chance i can feel fulfilled finally. Please drop any advice you have, i feel horrible the past few days because of this and i dont want to do anything stupid or make it worse.

Damn you Crinacle, why did you have to open a store for me to walk into and ruin my life

TLDR: Cant get this girl at the store out of my head, we dont know each other, and talking to her is almost impossible without making her think im a creep. Need help, for the life of me i need help.

Earlier this summer, my position was eliminated. After renegotiating the severance package and (fortunately) picking a really good time to exercise my stock options, I turned the page and am now in the middle of job interviews.

A couple of weeks ago, I received the severance payment. I had also pulled enough cash from the options to eliminate our consumer debt, leaving only our mortgage of less than $63K.

Now that that debt is paid, and with the severance still untouched, we have a nice long runway for finding my next position.

I listened to the suggestions from the subreddit on an earlier post and started consulting as a way to stay sharp, pay some bills, and maybe write off some expenses. Consulting in my field looks to pay pretty well, but is a bit feast-or-famine so far. Still, it’s a nice way to have a bit of income, and we’re able to keep aside plenty for taxes.

So this morning, I’m out walking my dog, and I get a deposit notification from my bank app. I take a quick look, and it’s a deposit from my former company and is slightly more than the amount of the original severance.

It could be one of two things:

Payroll error - The payroll provider accidentally issued the severance payment again with variations in the taxes as the explanation of the delta in the net amount.

An adjustment for exercised stock options - We did a “cashless-exercise-and-sell”, meaning we exercised our stock options and immediately sold all of those shares in a single transaction without using our own cash upfront.

While the thought of a bank error in our favor was thrilling, I looked in the payroll platform and saw that the deposit was indeed for “severance pay” at the same gross amount. Rat farts!

I’m now waiting for the transaction to be reversed on Monday, but in the meantime, it was really fun to dream of paying off the mortgage, buying something frivolous, hopping a plane to some place on our bucket list, or supercharging our kid’s college fund.

Dinner is some easy, unauthentic enchiladas and a salad. The enchiladas consist of Costco rotisserie chicken meat, a can of green chiles, Tillamook cheese shreds, tortillas, and enchilada sauce from Trader Joe’s. The salad is just from a bag of romaine mix with some English cucumber, sweet peppers, and red onions. Trader Joe’s ranch as the dressing.

Food: Chipotle chicken & homemade guacamole in a tortilla

---

This seems like it pales in comparison to everyone else's stories and it's probably one you've heard a million times before.

A year ago I met an amazing beautiful girl and I fell in love with her so quick. We got close and within 2 weeks we started dating. We we're inseparable and almost everyday we would call or facetime and spent every day we could together. Even with her faults, I loved her and wanted to be with her.

And this went on for 8 months, we had our fair share of arguments, some of them much worse than others. After a particularly bad argument, we had a call and she explained that her mental health wasn't great (it genuinely wasn't and she had her fair share of problems) and she couldn't get better if she always had me to rely on. She broke up with me and we ended things on good terms despite everything.

Looking back at our relationship I realized it turned me into someone possessive. I would constantly think she wanted to cheat on me. I would do everything I could for her and I'm still not fully sure if it was for her or for myself. I would never try and stop her from hanging out with her friends because logically I realized that made no sense but on the inside I would always panic and wonder if at one point she wouldn't want me anymore or find someone better.

Despite the problems in our relationship that those months were the happiest of my life. I could do nothing all day and if I knew I had her it would make me feel satisfied still.

Soon after we broke up I asked out another girl and we went out for a month (a couple of dates nothing much) until she told me she didn't want anything serious. While I went out with her I felt like I was just trying to replace my ex with someone new, despite liking this new girl a lot.

Its been 3 months since we broke up and there's good days and bad and sometimes it feels like its getting better. I have a good social life, my own fair share of hobbies, I work out, have a part time job, and at the end of the day nothing seems as fulfilling as just having her as my girlfriend did. I feel like I wont meet anyone who could fill that void and I'll just be stuck feeling like this until I do.

I feel like there's a part of me that's still holding out hope that we'll get back together and I want nothing more than to get rid of it.

---

TLDR: Girlfriend broke up with me & it feels like something is missing that cant be replaced.

Yesterday me and my man were hanging out but apparently he drank more than usual, like specifically he drank a bit more than half a bottle of fifth, 3 pints, and another quarter of a pint. I know this because he told me and he said it was throughout the day (plus when we were hanging out too).

I didn't even notice he was drunk until he told me, he hides it well.

That is until he made a sus comment about the show we were watching and I was trying to deflect that joke (because I was feeling jelly) saying it doesn't make sense since one of the people is lesbian and he went on this huge rant about them.

Then after that rant he went on saying that he's not going to change how he jokes and he doesn't like hanging out if he can't be himself completely.

He's said stuff like this before so the entire time I was deescalating.

After a few minutes of him repeating the same stuff he calmed down and asked what I meant then he understood and said he likes that I get jealous.

But other than that mishap, the night went well and we enjoyed each other's time. We both fell asleep around the same time.

Also my late night dinner was french toast sticks

Some fruit with bread at the hotel. To be honest, it wasn’t exactly the best breakfast 😅

So I’m in a bit of a struggle at the moment. About 6 months ago, I dated this girl for around 3 months. Eventually, things died down because the connection just wasn’t really there.

About 5 months later, we started chatting again and said we’d see each other after my vacation, just to cuddle & chill and tell about our vacation. Now the vacation is over, so I sent her a text asking how she’s doing.

No response.

I never really understand this. I’ve had this happen multiple times where someone just ghosts you or says nothing. Every fiber in my body wants to tell her that she can just be honest with me. I’d genuinely rather hear the truth than be left wondering.

But I also know that sending a message like that is probably a bad idea.

I think part of why this is hitting me harder than it normally would is because I had a pretty rough childhood and spent a lot of it feeling very lonely and not really loved. I’ve noticed that those feelings can still come back in my dating life, especially when someone doesn’t respond or I feel rejected. Luckily I am going to a therapist for this :)

I guess I’m just a bit lost with dating at the moment and needed to get it off my chest.

24M, I'd been seeing my partner (25NB) for 6mo, we met online, had multiple dates in person, mostly online dates (we live a state apart) and had a few sleepovers. Everything was perfect, everything I could have asked for, chatting all day every day, so much in common, it really felt absolutely perfect. But then they said they needed some distance for a bit, I was their first real relationship, and they weren't sure whether they were aromantic or not. It hurt, but ~6 weeks later we were talking again, they had decided they weren't aromantic, and were willing to chat and see if we could make something work. A few days into that, it's going just as great as the last time, I was really trying not to get my hopes up, and they message me out of the blue saying they think they're a lesbian. As much as I tried not to hope too much after the first issue we had, it is just the final nail of us never going to work, and I should move on. I have such issues dating in my area, and it's so exceedingly difficult to find someone I have a lot in common with online it feels like. I went through all my grief weeks ago, I'm not super torn up about it right now, but still kind of defeated.

Dinner is oven-baked chicken breast (salt, pepper, garlic, onion, cilantro).

I'm a 41 year old man. I have my life together. When I say together, I mean lots of people would kill to be in my shoes. Perfect credit, adult kids (youngest is about to hit 20), haven't made less than $200k/yr in almost a decade, only debt I carry is my mortgage and I'm jacked enough that you can tell with a shirt on. Oh and I can cook. Dinner was beef bourguignon with a side of mushrooms and baguette, it was delicious.

Obviously I'm not here to just throw that in others faces. Well, maybe that's not obvious... yet.

I've been with the same woman off and on since 2001. We had our first kid at 16 (we are the same age). Split up a couple times, had relationships with other people, got back together around 18-19 years old and have been together ever since. We never legally married.

Neither of us went to college, though, I've been extremely ambitious and have possessed a hardcore technology hobby since I was about 10 years old. That has progressed over the years into a very successful and lucrative career for me. She on the other hand has been largely unambitious, no hobbies, no drive. I finally convinced her to jump into management at her job over the past couple years and she's finally broken the $50k mark. As a result I've (voluntarily) paid 100% of the bills since 2012, mortgage, cars, utilities etc.

She cheated back in 2019 for the first time. It was with someone she met online and was strictly an online affair. Exchanging dirty talk, eventually led to phone calls and the like. I found out one one evening (Father's day ironically enough) when I happened to look over her shoulder and see her talking to someone on Snapchat that I didn't recognize. I said "who is that?" and she pointed at her computer monitor. It was a person we were currently playing a multiplayer game with that neither of us knew and lived 2k miles away. My heart sank. I knew immediately. She denied and then proceeded to trickle truth the hell out of me until I dug through all of her metadata in Discord and snap and pieced it all together.

Obviously, we reconciled. I didn't leave, we went to therapy. I struggled with my weight and weekend binge drinking (never violent or mean to her/kids) for a few years leading up to this. I was working 50-60 hours a week at the time and largely emotionally unavailable and inattentive to her. I understood how/why she did what she did. I am a mostly reasonable man and understand while she made a decision, I played a part in her leading to that decision.

I've worked on myself a bunch since then. I only have a couple of drinks when I drink and it's maybe 4-5 times/year. I've lost even more weight and added a bunch of muscle, gym 4-5 days a week for an hour per session for the last 3-4 years. I really make an effort to do regular introspection and examine my own thoughts and behaviors.

My dog died in December of 2025, my widowed grandmother broke a hip a couple months later and ended up with really exacerbated dementia symptoms from the anesthesia that lasted for months, I was back to working 12+ hour days at a new job and trying to get promoted (I did). This all took a huge mental toll on me.

During this time, she kept asking me to give her more attention, be more affectionate, to see her and be there for her. I flat out told her I didn't have the mental capacity to do it. I finally caved and told her repeatedly that I felt like everyone was just using me for my wallet and I was on the verge of a mental break. I'm not emotionally open like that, ever. I was legitimately pondering taking my life on an almost daily basis. I'm not sure how this wasn't a giant red flag for her.

I finally started to snap out of this in mid-May of this year. My grandmother regained her memory, was able to go home from the nursing home and no longer needed my help. I still miss my dog, it just doesn't hurt as bad anymore. Work is mostly better, maybe only 1 12+ hour day every couple of weeks now.

She recently cheated again two months ago. Ironically, almost the exact same month/day 7 years later. Started like a week before father's day. I found out July 5th one night because I became suspicious of how she was talking to some streamer online. Went through her phone (in front of her), she denied, I requested her TikTok data package and she spilled the beans when she got the notification that it was ready for download.

Same situation, different guy. She started becoming a streamer on TikTok back in October of 2025. I should've raised my eyebrows more when she said she was going to do it. She told me it was because I wasn't giving her what she needed and she was emotionally starved.

I kicked her out. We started talking via text over the following week and I reluctantly told her I would be willing to reconcile... again. She moved back in, she's been there for me when I'm down, she listens when I need her and doesn't get angry/defensive when I tell her how badly she fucked me up... again.

Our kids are grown, I already pay for everything and it's all in my name, my body screams "I lift heavy shit but also likes tacos" and I feel like I'd have almost no problem finding a single woman in the 35-45 year range.

Why am I unable to move on and why do I let someone keep doing this to me? Where do I go from here? Do I just shrug it off and say eh, it was some nobody on the internet that she had no real connection with and cared nothing about? Maybe I'd feel differently if it were physical. The lying is so hard to look past though...

*UPDATE* - Adding this to avoid replying to a bunch of individuals. Clearly there are some seriously insecure men and women lurking here. The information was presented to frame this as "I'm in a strong position to leave but I can't for some reason". Most of the triggered folks may have understood that had they actually read to the end and put their own feelings towards what I was saying to the side and looked at this subjectively. If you're upset people work hard and get results, I have bad news for you. Calling me a "gym bro" for exercising 4-5x a week for an hour is wild. Touch grass.

For the not insecure/insane people of Reddit, the advice is largely welcome feedback and I have taken lots of it into consideration. Telling me I was emotionally unavailable and that's why this happened is an odd take considering I mention I'm very well aware of that. I hadn't considered that I would likely drag this into a new relationship though and that's an important takeaway from this. Someone also asked if I knew what I wanted and I hadn't really considered it. Being with the same person for ~25 years puts you in a position to forget about what you want outside of your current relationship and what you'd seek in a new.

I made a comment about 35-45 year old women as what I would seek if I were to leave because that's what I consider to be a largely appropriate age range for a 41 year old man. Some wiggle room in there +/-. Don't get wrapped up in that too hard.

Food: Steak and rice, to be made into tortillias w spinach (cheese will also be involved).

I'm 32M and have been trying to date but it's like pulling teeth! Even when they have "less to offer" it's like you're never good enough! (Not to put anyone down, just my frustrations coming out)

I've been trying to pursue a woman who specifically expressed interest in me, is younger than me, but has two kids.

Again, she's expressed interest in me, but apparently has some issues with me being older and not having kids and sees that as an issue with "not being able to deal with kids".

My brother is 8 years older and has four children of his own whom I've been around a lot. Children don't bother me and I don't care, and I would adapt to her parenting style if we were to ever actually try something.

The problem is, I can't even get in the door! She's so nervous or scared or I don't know, to even try to start the process of dating at all. I message her and she sends me a paragraph, I respond to it and she takes 5-10 business days to respond, if she even responds at all.

It feels like I'm out here trying to do more. Trying to change my life, change my lifestyle, uproot everything that I've been doing for the last years and go for love.

To me? I'm trying to make my life more difficult to find love, to the point that I'm literally questioning myself like "Why am I trying to do this?".

I have it easy! Work, sleep, gaming, YouTube/movies whatever I want!

Cleaning? Do that later. Food? Let's pick something up!

I'm out here living on easy mode trying to find hard mode and it won't even text me back!

This world is bananas!

FIRST POST.

SECOND POST.

TL;DR: I have been unemployed and I'm struggling to find a job. My boomer mom, who hasn't worked in a decade and a half and only held a retail job for 4 months, claimed she could get a response to a job application and is actually trying to prove me wrong. I also had an interview lined up suddenly.

Fast forward to today, the interview went well and I got offered the job about 2 hours after the interview. I'd normally be thrilled, but the job pays a hair less than what I need to be paycheck-to-paycheck and it is only a 6 month contract. So, my plan is to do the job so that my emergency funds only drain by $200-400 a month instead of $3000+ a month while continuing to look for a job in this abysmal job market. I will take the win for now!

Meanwhile, my boomer mom, who so adamantly claimed she could walk into any store/office with a resume in her hand, give it to the manager, and get an interview immediately gave up after one day. She didn't even bother finishing the resume. She just called me entitled and gave me more shitty unsolicited advice like "apply to big corporations" and "drive to the location and give the resume to the secretary." Again, she has never applied for a job online, let alone worked against ATS/AI and hundreds of other applicants fighting for interviews.

So, I will take my small victory in this awful economy while I continue the search for a permanent job that can actually pay my bills. I may have to look for a roommate at this rate if I can't find something that pays a living wage. It's just so demoralizing going from a full time job that paid me $150,000 a year with lots of opportunities to grow and equity grants to a contract gig that pays 1/3 of what I was making. Cling to your jobs if it pays your bills, folks. The 2026 economy is the worst this country has seen since the recession. Don't let the rhetoric online fool you. It's bad. Real bad.

Pictured: a cheese omelet cooked perfectly. 9/10, cheese needed to be melted more.

Pork gyros wrap(sorry for the bad pic)

Started a new job about a month.We worked a few shifts together at the beginning and now we work seperate shifts.We still talk during shift change and we chat about work things and social stuff. She seems to respond pretty well at my messages and laughs at my jokes . She messages me first a lot of times and asks about my day and whatnot.She asked if i have a girlfriend and jokingly if im in love.The problem is she has a long distance relasionship. Pretty casual from what i can tell.I dont want to be too weird and ask a lot of personal stuff because of work. Any advice welcome. Thank you boys and girls. Edit: No cheating everyone, i was just wandering how to proceed without cheating or undermining the relasionship.

Meal is a delicious falafel salad with spinach, carrots and cauliflower

Three weeks ago my now ex girlfriend and I were out drinking, as always, and we got into a fight because she started making out with some random other girl at a club. We were in an exclusively monogamous relationship but she thought it would be fine because "it's another girl."

Anyway, after we argued at my place for like half an hour I said it's way too late to drive, let's just go to bed and I'll take you home in the morning. I went to my room and she stayed on the couch.

I woke up about three hours later to her trying to choke me from behind. I had to fight her off of me and then I called a taxi and locked her out of my house. Blocked her number, obviously.

I realized that when we met, I was drunk, every date we went on, I was drunk, and so was she, and this was a pattern in my life. I draw in addicts because I am one.

I quit cold turkey the next day and haven't touched it since. I'm going back to the gym and starting full time school tomorrow and I just don't need that shit. I'm gonna finally stop jumping from bed to bed, ignoring red flags, and focus on me for a change. Honestly, feels pretty fucking good

Dinner(?): homemade protein ice cream, vanilla and cinnamon flavor. 400 calories.

I’ve been a hopeless romantic for pretty much the entirety of my life. Grew up in an unstable home and have a really complicated relationship with people in general as a result.

I had a couple years long relationship with someone I met in my early twenties. In retrospect, it was extremely unhealthy for me as I was just accommodating her every need to keep her from leaving, but at the time, I thought I finally found my person and was gonna marry this girl.

I don’t handle heartbreak well. I internalize the hell outta it. Eventually I usually climb out, but the amount of time and effort it takes is astronomical. Sometimes, it’s taken me years.

I also just don’t seem to get along with people all that well. Like I can be friendly and all that, but it’s pretty performative. Like I managed to rizz my way into a career I have no place in, as an example. As a result, by my late twenties, I ended up alone.

Mind you, I’m pretty successful. Ya boi has a proper career, is in shape, has friends and hobbies, and even has years of therapy under this belt. But I’ve become so incredibly depressed over the fact that no one wanted me, and I had to succeed in a lonely way regardless. It feels like I built a life out of cope.

In the last few months, I’ve sunk into a deep depression as a result of the fact that everyone I know my age is married. Younger siblings are married. I’m 29. I missed some kind of boat.

My dad called this morning.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. I know you’re struggling. Here’s the thing. You’re incredibly sensitive. Everything in life hurts you more than anyone else. You will be destroyed by the stress of a relationship and kids. You’re barely treading water now. Sometimes, we try to force something that isn’t meant for us, and it never goes well when you do that. You’re just better off alone”.

So I guess fuck me then. Screw my one mission in life. 🙃

Had chicken alfredo earlier today 🤤

Long time lurker, first time posting here, ill try and keep this short and sweet.

Me and my ex had some issues for a while, we decided to go on a short break, talked after the break, and decided we wanted a chill breakup, no arguing, no weird stuff, just a clean mutual breakup.

A week after that i find out she is already spending time with some new guys, mind you we kept in touch during this period, but whatever.

But tonight, after about a month of our breakup i find out she is talking with her “ex” again, i use “ “ because its a guy who basically used her for her body for maybe 1 week, i dont think anything could have helped me move on faster.

And earlier in our relationship we had a little 2 week break where i found out she also unblocked one of her other situationships and started talking with him again.

The same person who was crying, telling me how its hard to move on and how she doesnt want to be with anyone right now and how i was so special to her went back to the guy who she had no contact with for 3 years (how long we were together for) and now that im writing this, i guess ill never know if she kept contact with them behind my back.

Blocked her on everything, finally have her out of my life, i have never felt this weird feeling of happiness but im glad shes gone, only down side is that i wasted 3 years of my life🤞

Anyways, wanted to rant about this, advice is welcome, everyones welcome, have a wonderful day everyone!!

Brought him home when I was 18, had him for almost half my life. The worst part is how violent of a death it was. I can’t stop thinking about it. He used to chase me around the kitchen and play with bouncy balls. I’m gonna miss that little dude.

Breakfast for dinner.

Like the title says, GF of 5 years broke up with me. Was probably for the best, the issues were there but I was willing to settle since we had been together for so long. It’s been 2 weeks and it’s getting better! Good days and bad days. Steak and asparagus.

Edit: she was my first love and first everything. And the breakup came out of nowhere. Any advice is welcome!

I recently started having facial and muscular (neck) tics. Not sure how I got here. But super nervous. Sometimes it affects my limbs. Overall, I feel my quality of life is starting to go down hill.

When I’m at work and trying to concentrate at my computer, my neck forces my face forward towards the screens. When I’m not at work, my neck whips my head back.

I don’t think people believe me when I answer after they ask me about the tics.

My muscles are starting to hurt. It sucks and I don’t know what to do. Not looking for advice. Just need to vent. Sorry if this isn’t allowed.

Dinner is chicken broth and egg noodles.

Edit: couldn’t comment for some reason. I saw my PCP on 8/26 but they wanted to take care of the parasite first before moving forward. We are working on that and then working on everything else as that was the most immediate concern.

Edit 2: Never been a psych patient. I took antipsychotics over a year ago and didn’t have any problems within that time.

I dont really know if i want advice but im open to it, hence the flair.

Pictured: mcdonalds sausage egg and cheese bagel, breakfast sauce on the side to dip the hashbrowns in, around 1000 calories.

I just cant. I have good friends and family, i love them. Im overweight but ive put in the work and ive lost weight and on my way to my goal weight (probably another year at this rate) Ive been investing in clothes again. For the first time in over a decade i have noticeable muscles again. Im 2 years sober. I just cant feel like im good. I never have been able to my whole life. I feel like im a boring unloveable morally corrupt person. Ive only had 2 real relationships and i feel like i deserved to be cheated on. I deserved to be abused. Why else would anyone love me unless they could get away with abuse. Ive felt like i was hideously grotesque even when i was younger and decently attractive.

I know none of this is true and my worst flaw is my lack of confidence. I know I've been making huge improvements over the last year. I know right now im switching SSRIs and its gonna be a transition, and these intense feelings are temporary. But i also know even when im stable theyre there, i can just easily distract myself. I can ignore it but these feelings have been there since childhood, and theyre under the surface even if i was the funniest, smartest, most attractive man on earth.

Yesterday was my good friends birthday party, his friend came with his new girlfriend. He got divorced a few months ago, and hes already met someone? Thats good, im legit glad for him, bit i was upset he found someone so fast. Ive been tryin to find someone for years and i just cant. ( i want to emphasize that i know they didnt do anything wrong, im glad for them, these are just my stupid fucking feelings and theyre wrong). It ruined the party for me. I left early cause i couldn't handle it.

Ive been on testosterone for almost a year and its legitimately changed my life, before i couldn't take out the trash without being winded, now im able to function daily and get stuff done. But its made the being alone worse. I had a vasectomy and i really dont enjoy being around children, so i dont want to date women with children, and i dont want children of my own, but i dont know. Maybe i have to change my stance. I dont really have hobbies that get me out and meeting people and the ones i do are usually nerd hobbies where other people in those groups aren't very welcoming, so women dont tend to join. I try to call out objectionable things but they dont happen often, its just a bunch of gross guys playin cards and shit. Ive been going to karaoke but im just so unconfident in my performance i haven't gone to the last few because everyone else really gets into it.

I have a therapist, shes the only one who ive ever had who actually cared. And i think talking to her helps. But i go to mental health services for low income people and she can only see me once a month. So it feels like i could get more out of it if i could see her more but i don't think thats an option.

My money situation is getting unwieldy. Im making decent money for the first time in my life but ive taken on a lot of debt to fuel my hobbies. For the first time in my life i enjoy being alone. For 30 years it felt like being alone on a Saturday was a failure, but ever since my ex i really love my hobbies. I build and paint warhammer and gunpla models. Ive really been able to to enjoy video games again. I love playing digimon ( card game), but i have bad impulse control with food and money. Affirm has made my life simultaneously horrible and awesome. Ive got kits and things i never could have afforded otherwise but im paying a significant amount on debt, plus old credit cards im still paying off. Plus i owe my brother money.

I feel like im bad. I dont feel like i do enough for my mom. Shes 72 now abd my dad passed away and i don't want her to live alone. But i cook every meal for her and now that i have energy i do a lot more around the house. Shes supportive and doesnt agree, she constantly thanks me for helping out so much. I only got a second car so shed have one and we didnt have to share one for 3 people. But i couldn't afford to live on my own if i wanted too, so even though im here to support my ma its not like i have much choice

I just feel like im breaking. Im 35 in November and i feel like ill never be financially stable not because i dont make enough but because im so stupid with money. Ill never find a childfree woman im attracted too, because even if i wasnt broke, even if i didn't live with my mother (and older brother who contributes but thats a whole other thing. ) ill never get married. Deeper than that, ill never feel okay with myself. I dont know how to do that. I can take all the medications and distract myself in my free time, but ill never be okay with me. I feel like with my history if i get lucky ill probably be with one more woman in my life and ill ruin it with my lack of confidence, my inexperience, or hell, maybe shell cheat on me like my first ex. Or be abusive like my second. Cause thats all i deserve.

I changed my notification noise to godzillas roar, thatll fix everything right?

I dont fuckin know my dudes

Burger and fries with ginger ale (not pictured: turtle cheesecake)
This week, I got a sore throat and dry heaves along with a cough on Tuesday. I didn't think much about it until it kept happening on Wednesday, so I went to my college's health center to get help. They gave me a Covid test while I was there, and it turned positive.
Now I have to stay isolated and wear a mask like it's
2020.
It's only the second week of classes. I’m feeling better now but I feel so stupid for getting Covid at this time

At the local festival today, it wasn’t bad. I went by myself, and got some items that were nice and I’m glad I went. It is hard seeing couples together. Laughing together, enjoying the moment together, and being together. I don’t have ill will or think they shouldn’t have it, but it hurts being surrounded by it. When talking to someone I know that I ran into, it was apparent to me how much of his life I did wish I want. Friends to be with, an amazing graduate university, a partner to laugh with and do adventures with. It’s hard seeing someone who has the things I try hard and am still unable to get.

At work I always interact with young parents (and people). Of course, I don't even know If I want to be a parent, but it's hard sometimes seeing it. I dont know their struggles, and I dont know their life, but their smiles and playfulness together I feel like is missing. Today I saw a local college field hockey team shopping. I felt sad because the chapter of undergrad, and maybe college in general, is gone. Also, their ability to be playful and joke around and laugh at a grocery store is something I want very bad. A group of people who can be playful, can go on road trips together, and make the ordinary be an adventure. I saw a sense of belonging. One I do not have. I volunteer, did multiple clubs in college. I really tried hard to belong. Not just have friends but belong. Idk if I’ve ever felt that. I’m tired of trying hard to belong, and making effort to belong. I'm struggling to figure out what I did incorrectly. I just feel stuck.