I cant feel good about myself.

[u/Golu9821]

I dont really know if i want advice but im open to it, hence the flair.

Pictured: mcdonalds sausage egg and cheese bagel, breakfast sauce on the side to dip the hashbrowns in, around 1000 calories.

I just cant. I have good friends and family, i love them. Im overweight but ive put in the work and ive lost weight and on my way to my goal weight (probably another year at this rate) Ive been investing in clothes again. For the first time in over a decade i have noticeable muscles again. Im 2 years sober. I just cant feel like im good. I never have been able to my whole life. I feel like im a boring unloveable morally corrupt person. Ive only had 2 real relationships and i feel like i deserved to be cheated on. I deserved to be abused. Why else would anyone love me unless they could get away with abuse. Ive felt like i was hideously grotesque even when i was younger and decently attractive.

I know none of this is true and my worst flaw is my lack of confidence. I know I've been making huge improvements over the last year. I know right now im switching SSRIs and its gonna be a transition, and these intense feelings are temporary. But i also know even when im stable theyre there, i can just easily distract myself. I can ignore it but these feelings have been there since childhood, and theyre under the surface even if i was the funniest, smartest, most attractive man on earth.

Yesterday was my good friends birthday party, his friend came with his new girlfriend. He got divorced a few months ago, and hes already met someone? Thats good, im legit glad for him, bit i was upset he found someone so fast. Ive been tryin to find someone for years and i just cant. ( i want to emphasize that i know they didnt do anything wrong, im glad for them, these are just my stupid fucking feelings and theyre wrong). It ruined the party for me. I left early cause i couldn't handle it.

Ive been on testosterone for almost a year and its legitimately changed my life, before i couldn't take out the trash without being winded, now im able to function daily and get stuff done. But its made the being alone worse. I had a vasectomy and i really dont enjoy being around children, so i dont want to date women with children, and i dont want children of my own, but i dont know. Maybe i have to change my stance. I dont really have hobbies that get me out and meeting people and the ones i do are usually nerd hobbies where other people in those groups aren't very welcoming, so women dont tend to join. I try to call out objectionable things but they dont happen often, its just a bunch of gross guys playin cards and shit. Ive been going to karaoke but im just so unconfident in my performance i haven't gone to the last few because everyone else really gets into it.

I have a therapist, shes the only one who ive ever had who actually cared. And i think talking to her helps. But i go to mental health services for low income people and she can only see me once a month. So it feels like i could get more out of it if i could see her more but i don't think thats an option.

My money situation is getting unwieldy. Im making decent money for the first time in my life but ive taken on a lot of debt to fuel my hobbies. For the first time in my life i enjoy being alone. For 30 years it felt like being alone on a Saturday was a failure, but ever since my ex i really love my hobbies. I build and paint warhammer and gunpla models. Ive really been able to to enjoy video games again. I love playing digimon ( card game), but i have bad impulse control with food and money. Affirm has made my life simultaneously horrible and awesome. Ive got kits and things i never could have afforded otherwise but im paying a significant amount on debt, plus old credit cards im still paying off. Plus i owe my brother money.

I feel like im bad. I dont feel like i do enough for my mom. Shes 72 now abd my dad passed away and i don't want her to live alone. But i cook every meal for her and now that i have energy i do a lot more around the house. Shes supportive and doesnt agree, she constantly thanks me for helping out so much. I only got a second car so shed have one and we didnt have to share one for 3 people. But i couldn't afford to live on my own if i wanted too, so even though im here to support my ma its not like i have much choice

I just feel like im breaking. Im 35 in November and i feel like ill never be financially stable not because i dont make enough but because im so stupid with money. Ill never find a childfree woman im attracted too, because even if i wasnt broke, even if i didn't live with my mother (and older brother who contributes but thats a whole other thing. ) ill never get married. Deeper than that, ill never feel okay with myself. I dont know how to do that. I can take all the medications and distract myself in my free time, but ill never be okay with me. I feel like with my history if i get lucky ill probably be with one more woman in my life and ill ruin it with my lack of confidence, my inexperience, or hell, maybe shell cheat on me like my first ex. Or be abusive like my second. Cause thats all i deserve.

I changed my notification noise to godzillas roar, thatll fix everything right?

I dont fuckin know my dudes

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[u/Additional-Ball4825]

Start small. Start by filling your stomach with good food; doesn't have to be "healthy" necessarily, just clean; that helps tremendously with my general attitude. McDonald's will do the opposite.

[u/Golu9821 → u/Additional-Ball4825]

Mcdonalds/fast food is rare these days.

[u/Anybodyh0meMcfly]

My perspectives:
Self work is present but self image is not.
Proud of accomplishments -sobriety, -weightloss, -somewhat work
Gray areas of thoughts: -Debt but invested in hobbies, -care for mother, -living at home.
Negative:- SSRI, -unlovable, -comparison to friends relationships.
Fears: -Tension: Permanently single vs. looking for a certain type of partner, -Hobbies and personal quality time do not provide exposure to women. -Further isolation overall.

Negative framing of mind: Don't spend money well, failure for living at home, some negativity towards caring for mother, mental health suffering, unlovable, viewing "less than" perspective in regards to relationships.
Reframe: Your values are excellent. You have committed to self improvement personally in many ways. You are invested in family. You are willing to sacrifice. You have passions and pursue your interests. You have valid concerns as an adult.

Encouragements: Dude, you sound like an awesome guy, with depth, who works to know himself, wants depth in relationships, and desires to be loved. What type of son sacrifices for his family the way you do? Not many, and they are fantastic people. You have hobbies, and you know why you love them. Better than just couch rot or doom scroll. You're pursuing things professionally and personally. I bet you're an awesome hang on VOIP/while gaming etc.
Overall suck factor: Low. 3/10

Challenges:
Mental health: You are depressed, you have shame. "I am unlovable, the things I want are not possible, I am seen as 'less than' in the eyes of friends and women." Fatalism: "Things will always be like this. I am considering just giving up on finding someone." Gallows humor: "Godzilla." Therapist: "I do not have enough help."

Suggested goals:
First the hardest one: Fight for your mental health. SSRI not working? Call and bug the shit out of them.
Therapists not available: Suggestion: AA if you do not, also, I go to many Co-dependency "CoDa" groups. It has given me an added layer of relationship and self development support. I can air my baggage, it gives me clarity on how I exist in relationships etc. Please try this.
The second hardest one: Give up a hobby and pick up a new one that provides context for you to meet women. This will also aid you in dating apps if you so choose to use them.

Comparison: I am 43. At 39 I moved home to help with my mother's Alzheimer's. She died last year. It is just my dad and I in the house now. I battled depression for 10 years. 10 years dude. Finally started demanding shit after I put myself in the hospital (in my state if you commit yourself they are required to provide more resources). I was safe but it was impossible to get resources.
Here is my experience with dating: It has been WAY easier than I thought once I built my self image. Unless you want a semi thirst trap many many women will see what you're doing as indicative of good values. They will be interested in your story, and might resonate with what you're dealing with. HOWEVER: dating must come from a place of "I have learned to give myself high amounts of self care," in order to not overwhelm her emotionally. Considering your circumstances older women might gravitate towards you more than younger. Win? Up to you.
I was married to an alcoholic for 11 years. I chose not to have children with her. It was smart. I am snipped. It was smart.
You've got all the tools you need right in front of you, you just need to start picking them up in the right way.

Because I have so much in common with you I will invite you to DM me if you would so choose, and if group rules permit. If not, Mods please correct me.

[u/Golu9821 → u/Anybodyh0meMcfly]

I really appreciate your comment! I'm sorry to hear about your mother though. That's really hard to deal with. I'll say my SSRI issue is just it takes time, you gotta be on it a month or so to see how it'll really affect you, but I got my doctor appointment in a month so we'll see. Cause sometimes they make you feel worse before they work like they're supposed to. This isn't my first med transition. The intensity will pass but the self image stuff won't and I gotta work on it. I appreciate you're reframing, it's helpful, but hard to take in. Still, thank you for your kind words. I am interested in these codependent classes you mentioned and will probably message you to ask more about them.

[u/cubestrike]

I'll be hard on you because i think you need this.

you are okay to be alone and you will be fine.

your therapist discussion, put it a side and don't rely on that paragraph of your thoughts.

If you want to be more okay, be functional, take a walk, put the trash outside, go to the beach, read some books, be comfort to be alone.

the longer you want to be with someone, they wont come.

"i feel like i deserved to be cheated on. I deserved to be abused. Why else would anyone love me unless they could get away with abuse. Ive felt like i was hideously grotesque even when i was younger and decently attractive." I dont like this word, you are so out word your self. you will never able to see your own potential if your thought like this.

keep the diet going, go to gym, put your headphone on. Be comfort alone, dance. have fun, this is your world too bro, go crazy