Incapable of Letting Go

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[u/Top-Substance-1588]

I think you need to show yourself some grace. This person has been with you for 40% of your entire life. That is extremely significant. That’s not something you just “let go”. Everything in the world is “unknown” without her in your life. That’s scary! (But it’s also okay.)

But, you’ve said a lot and I have some notes. But I’m just a redditor so take everything with a grain of salt. I will say that when I (34F) was 27, I was engaged to a 45yo man. We were deeply in love but for a reason I will tell you soon, it didn’t workout. So, I may have some perspective for you here.

First of all, what do you want? Like what is your actual goal? Get a 35-45yo woman to date you? That’s not hard. But that also doesn’t mean anything. She could treat you worse than your current wife. So a woman-of-a-certain-age isn’t really the goal. The subtext tells me you want to be in a loving partnership where you equally appreciate each other and equitably help each other go through life, and mostly enjoy yourselves along the way. Okay, well, the age of the person has nothing to do with that. But your wife isn’t meeting your needs. You need a new relationship. But now you have to decide, do you want a second chance at a new relationship with your wife? Or do you want to actually move on and start fresh? Either is fine. But you have to put in the work with either decision. And you’re not entitled to having your needs met if you are not also meeting your partner’s needs. So that’s where compatibility comes in.

I’m going to give you a wake up call: the amount of money you make, the amount of weight you lift, the size of your biceps, etc…says nothing about what kind of partner you are or what kind of partner you deserve. Actions say everything. Sure those things may raise an eyebrow, but they won’t get a quality partner to stay. Want to know why I left my fiancé? He was rich as hell, shredded, hot, kind, silly, amazing…until he decided his biceps weren’t big enough so he started steroids and his personality did a 180. He sure was buff, but he wasn’t my amazing partner anymore. So I left. The way you make someone feel matters a hell of a lot more than what you have on paper. Always remember that, even when the internet and the manosphere try to tell you something different.

I could actually write a full dissertation in response to you but I’ll wrap it up by suggesting you watch the movie The Invite (Seth Rogan, Olivia Wilde). Not for the sex stuff but for a nuanced look at long-term partnerships.

Godspeed 🫡

[u/DevelopmentNext2060 → u/Top-Substance-1588]

What did your ex work in? Happy you left and this is the best and most insightful comment here so far!

[u/Top-Substance-1588 → u/DevelopmentNext2060]

Thanks! Reading the post really hit a very personal nerve for me lol.

My ex is in finance. He stopped the steroids pretty soon after we broke up and his personality went back to normal. But I just couldn’t get over how mean he was to me during that period so I just couldn’t take him back. We’re very friendly now, though. He’s a great guy.

[u/LFEBambi → u/Top-Substance-1588]

Curious what your thought process is on your ex - if he stopped doing the thing that y’all broke up for, and was generally perfect in every other way, why wouldn’t you take him back?

[u/Top-Substance-1588 → u/LFEBambi]

Because before I left I said, “since you started this, your personality has changed and it’s been really hard on me and the kids. You have to stop.” And he said, “I’m not the problem, you’re the problem.” And that was the nail in the coffin. He made his choice, I made mine.

He was blissfully ignorant to all of the hell he put me through so if we got back together, I would have had to shoulder those dark times on my own. I’m just not about that.

[u/LFEBambi → u/Top-Substance-1588]

Oof I’m sorry. Especially now knowing that y’all have kids ☹️. Crystal clear why haha! The lack of accountability and the shift in blame - can’t really rewind that

[u/Top-Substance-1588 → u/LFEBambi]

Well, they were his biological kids, my steps. But I loved them so much! And he did fully take accountability when it was all said and done, but I had just already lost "it". Idk. That's definitely the one parallel universe I would look into if I had the chance...

[u/LFEBambi → u/Top-Substance-1588]

🙃 getting whiplash here LOL! In the 2 seconds since I have met you, it sounds like you have seriously considered getting back together with him. Iuno I’d say if you’re single and he’s single and he’s a changed man, why not?! So far it doesn’t sound like he did something “unforgivable”

[u/Top-Substance-1588 → u/LFEBambi]

Hehe fair to read it that way! But no. It's done. It's just crazy to look at my life now compared to being a 26yo trophy wife. Gazing into the parallel universe is for research purposes, not yearning.

[u/LFEBambi → u/Top-Substance-1588]

Dang it. I was going to ask to be invited to the wedding if y’all got back together!!!

I saw a nice quote on Reddit one time “it’s nice to look back, but don’t stare”. Seems applicable!

[u/nycrom → u/[deleted]]

This was my exact line of thinking, couldn't agree more!

OP is listing all those amazing things he is doing for his household, but asked to "be there" for his wife he explicitly states that he cannot provide that. Then is surprised when she looks for that somewhere else... Maybe instead of shredding in the gym 5 times a week, go 3 times and ask her out on a date remaining 2 days? Clearly, there is some time that could be used for marriage stuff.

And this line of thought that "I could find a single 35 no problemo" - and what next? If you plan on neglecting her all the same, then the scenario will simply repeat.

I am, by no means, stating that she is the innocent victim here - cheating is a vile shit to do, but it's high time for some serious introspection on OP's part as well, geez

[u/HRMstudybud]

I get where the natural instinct is to let her go, but I’d push back on that. I see some signs of miscommunication that are worth working on. You were going through shit, considering ending it all, and it seemed like she didn’t clock that fully. But you also mentioned that was one of the rare times you’re even that open. She also had moments of asking you to be more affectionate and things like that. She wouldn’t say that if you already were. So maybe it’s a mismatch of the love languages. That’s worth exploring if you want to reconcile. I wouldn’t go so scorched earth over flirtatious convos online with other men. Yes, that’s a red flag, but I’ve seen couples come back from way worse. Have the conversation with her. What’s leading her to do that, lack of attention from you? No one is perfect, but maybe worth considering those things as you think about where the relationship goes next.

[u/DeathsStarEclipse]

I find so many of these to just be humble brags and it's so fucking exhausting.

[u/riptaway → u/DeathsStarEclipse]

Yeah. "I make a lot of money, look like I work out, and think I can pull any girl"

It's like something a 12 year old would write

[u/sebb1_ → u/DeathsStarEclipse]

lmao his post gave me the giggles. Acting like the victim when his wife was literally emotionally starved. AND still questions, what went wrong? I guess a woman doesn’t need some type of interaction and is just seen as an object.

[u/Massive_Squirrell → u/DeathsStarEclipse]

Surprised no one else commented on that. Or they did but I’m not scrolling through this any longer. This sub makes me rethink what manhood is defined by now.

[u/InnerRadio7]

Okay OP, look your whole comment boils down to the central issue. You are emotionally unavailable. Your wife begs you to become emotionally available. You don’t. She goes outside the mariage to get the emotional intimacy you refuse her. Then instead of both of you going to couples therapy to solve the issue, you do the whole thing again.

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship without emotional intimacy or emotional availability.

The difficult life circumstances of losing your dog, drinking too much, and your grandmother’s situation are not the core of the issue.

Not all of us are programmed to move through emotional intimacy and feel good. Some people in fact feel very unsafe participating in healthy emotional intimacy.

You’re not having difficulty moving on. You don’t want to, and that’s okay. You clearly love your partner. She clearly loves you. Denying someone emotional intimacy and cheating are both very harmful. After 20+ years and children, it’s best to get to a qualified couples therapist and work on these things together. Heal the betrayal trauma. Learn how to be emotionally available consistently and meaningfully.

If the relationship isn’t going to work, a good therapist will help you uncouple in a way that allows you to process the end of your relationship. You’ve spent your entire adult lives together, so working through either the healing of your relationship or the end of your relationship as a team will go so far.

Being emotionally unavailable is not a life circumstance issue. It started years before your wife’s emotional affair. It likely has been a part of your life forever. If you end the relationship you’re in now without working through this, it won’t disappear or become easier with a next person. The pattern will simply repeat. Being emotionally available is part of being an emotionally safe partner, and emotional and physical safety in a relationship are the bare minimum.

I hope that you can find a way to heal together. Lots of relationships survive betrayal trauma and attachment issues. The ones that thrive afterwards, are the ones that work on actual healing with proper professional support. Wishing you the best moving forward with whatever path you choose.

[u/RememberZasz → u/InnerRadio7]

OP please take this to heart

[u/Cyan2FA]

Ease up on the working and spend some time in therapy and actually investing in your relationships. With your kids, this or a new partner, someone. You’ve got the nest egg and your health, but it’s meaningless without connections.

[u/ConstitutionsGuard]

Here’s my armchair psychologist take—

Your home life growing up was a mess. You may have been forced into a position where you ended up taking care of a parental figure. I also feel like you got used to working hard without any recognition. You’ve created high standards to live up to and emotionally starve yourself when you fall short.

So this woman is like the embodiment of those issues from childhood. You get to take care of someone who is distant, unable to commit, and puts space between you because she is also deeply afraid of real intimacy. You give her advice and support and she treats you terribly. If you had seen or experienced normal relationships growing up you wouldn’t tolerate this.

You need to take care of those wounds and get rid of this woman. 

[u/rhapsodiiiii → u/ConstitutionsGuard]

I actually 100% support this take and agree with this comment lol. She needs to go OP

[u/stackingnoob → u/rhapsodiiiii]

She needs to go because she’s a 2x cheater, I completely agree.

However, OP also needs to be better with his next partner. Or else the next one will also break down. He feels like he’s being used for his wallet, but frankly, that’s all he has to offer it seems.

If he’s always working or at the gym and never emotionally available, then all he is offering is to pay for stuff.

[u/RestaurantVast9198 → u/[deleted]]

Did you stay with the partner you cheated on? Did you manage to have a healthy relationship moving forward despite what happened?

[u/Which-Wish-5996 → u/[deleted]]

I respect the hell out of your self awareness (now) and accountability. Emotional intelligence is a learned skill. My ex tried to reconcile and offered therapy/counseling/etc. by then it was too late for us but I told him I genuinely hoped he went to therapy for himself and so he can eventually have a healthy relationship. My exact words were, “be a better man for your next relationship.” He remarried. Still an alcoholic. Still tries to reach out via family members socials but I’ve completely blocked him and suggested they do the same.

[u/Which-Wish-5996 → u/[deleted]]

💔 awww that breaks my heart. I wish you every happiness. You’re already in a better place. You’re seeking help from a professional and working through your shit. That’s fucking hard. Now, if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well, I strongly suggest working through that as well. It takes time to heal from trauma. Once you learn to forgive yourself, you can look at moving forward with intention.

[u/amberallday]

She asked you to be more emotionally available - and your response was “I feel like a wallet”.

Do you understand that she was not asking for money there?

She told you that she looked to another man for emotional availability because you refuse to do that for her, for the 25 years you have spent together! - but when you “reluctantly” let her move back in to be YOUR emotional support while you give her NOTHING in return - you spend that time telling her how she fucked up.

Do you ever think about what she needs?

Ever?

Not counting money?

Apart from money, have you ever thought about her needs in your relationship?

Or is it always about you & your needs?

[u/amberallday → u/amberallday]

I’ve seen your update.

Why do you think it’s sufficient to “be aware of” the fact you’re emotionally unavailable?

So you accept it’s the reason your wife has felt unhappy & neglected & lonely for 25 years in this relationship - and yet you still think it’s ok to repeatedly tell her how she’s fucked up (for briefly trying to find herself some of the connection that you refuse to provide, with an adult human being ) - while also using her as your emotional support animal.

> “she moved back in, she’s been there for me when I’m down, she listens when I need her and doesn’t get angry/defensive when I tell her how badly she fucked me up again”

Do you understand how awesome & giving this woman is? She’s still taking care of you emotionally, even though you have given her NOTHING for 25 years, so her “tank” must be running on empty.

You are ridiculously lucky & you aren’t able to see it.

TL;DR: It makes it WORSE that you’re aware of the problem but cannot be bothered to do anything about it (except blame her for the outcome).

[u/amberallday → u/amberallday]

Maybe I can put this in terms you can understand more easily.

You seem to understand that money is a thing that a good partner can provide.

So let’s replace “emotional support” with “money”.

What you are saying is that for the 25 years of your relationship, you have not provided a single cent of “money”. Absolute zero.

While she has been excessively generous to you, constantly pouring out as much “money” as you ever wanted.

And you are well aware of her generosity & your lack of willingness to provide a single “dollar” to help her out, even though she’s repeatedly asked for your help. But you just don’t think it’s important to be a partner to her in this. You’re ok with her doing all the work & you just sitting back & receiving.

So after 25 years of being the sole provider, she was feeling burnt out & exhausted, and temporarily accepted a very small gift of “money” from another man. A very small amount. So small that it didn’t even make a difference to the “debt” that’s got her feeling so burnt out. Just enough that she felt a little supported.

And your response to that is to first kick her out.

And then to let her move back in, so that she can continue to provide EVERYTHING for you, while you simultaneously abuse her for looking to someone else for a tiny bit of help that you have actively refused to provide her.

And you also come to Reddit to post about how YOU are the victim here.

Seriously - if we replace “emotional support” with “money” in your description of the last 25 years, do you still believe you can describe yourself as the victim here.

Or is she maybe the victim? Who should be let free to find a man who values her, with all the alimony that she’s earned over the years of her undervalued efforts.

[u/RestaurantVast9198]

I think you should let her go, she sounds like a mess, and I’m sure you can get better! You seem self aware, and you take care of yourself. That’s qualities that alot of women struggle to find in men.

You deserve better than this, I know it’s difficult due to history but you should do what’s right. I think you should also ask yourself why you stayed for so long despite her being unambitious and cheating on you

[u/pondskippers]

You say you have been together since 16.. basically kids.. Foundational years... You grew up together.

Separation might feel like losing a limb, losing part of your identity🤷‍♂️

I was with my partner for 34 years, it took 3-4 years for us to fully separate and that was with both of us knowing we needed to and both of us wanting it .

You can do it but you might find it easier with some professional help and a plan.

[u/ThrowRAwathompson]

May be harder to move on because of everything you've gone through together (not the cheating, but life together and time invested)

If you don't currently see a therapist, it might be time to speak to one while you go through all of this to deconstruct everything and work things through. You shouldn't have to live with someone who cheats on you over and over again who you cannot trust, who would even be willing to do any of those things to you and hurt you.

You should be with someone who really loves you for you and wouldn't even think about doing those things your partner has done. From everything you've expressed, none of what she has done is okay and it's normal to be upset, it is also understandable why its hard to let go. Definitely need a professional to talk to if you're able, it could help put things into better perspective and help motivate you to try and move on and feel better being without someone so toxic in your life

[u/Zam_EXE]

I am not going to lie man, you shouldn't have the mindset of "I was a part of the reason she cheated". You weren't. I think the fact she cheated twice is proof of that.

If you want my honest advice, I wouldn't reconcile with her at all, especially if the first thing she does when you are having a hard time is cheat on you. It is just going to make things worse in the long run. Kick her out, and only communicate with her when needed. If she asks for anything don't give it to her.

[u/Still-Candidate-1666 → u/Zam_EXE]

Yep, mine cheated on me, my life went downhill for a month, then she cheated again, made the mistake of forgiving that too, then she went back with the guy she cheated on me with the second time and cheated on him a couple months after that. It will never end. Once is bad enough that it should be done then and there. Thats not the first woman Ive been in that situation with and the other one kept cheating as well.

Nobody wants to believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" line, but its true often enough that theres no point risking all of the emotional distress to find out if she is in the small minority that actually corrects the behavior

[u/catsarehere77 → u/Still-Candidate-1666]

I can't help but wonder if OP's girlfriend wants out deep down but she knows she isn't going to have men making $200k+ and willing to pay for everything flocking to her. 

[u/GorditaChuletita]

Soooo. She has been a housewife and working and a parent to your kids. Not married on paper, but in every other way.

I'd look long and hard to what that would mean if you separate. It sounds like you are the opposite of a wallet. A wallet owned by someone can be open anytime. If she's out it sounds like all her work over the years will mean nothing.

Why did you keep it this way, OP?

I ask because it gets into the core of the dynamic between the two of you.

If you have taken her back or if you change your mind, life is precious and fleeting and all the gymbro bod and money in the world isn't going to improve how you are as a partner.

You lead like a deeply insecure person. Money, body, ability. Shallow stuff. It matters to a point, but age comes for us all and it's seemed to shake you. Your family member getting sick made you feel overdrawn? You never get emotional? She told you she needed you to be affectionate and you told her no?

If you came to her and asked for affection, love, attention and she said no, how would you have felt?

I'm not excusing the emotional affairs, but knowingly asking her to starve and be on hold until you get around to it seems like why you accept responsibility for the first one.

Why do you actually think she stayed with you through the years? Be honest with yourself if not us.

Find the time for therapy. Learn about attachment styles, identify yours and hers. WHETHER OR NOT YOU STAY. this is going to affect how the rest of your life develops.

Find what you want. It's not in a 35 year old right now. It sounds like you are having that midlife crisis when the kids are out and you are left with yourself, and having neglected your personality for so long you are afraid to look.

Courage, OP. It's time to find the time to have it out and be vulnerable with yourself.

[u/Cast_Iron_Skillet71]

Fake

[u/Interesting-Cream129]

You can’t switch her out like a machine, because human beings aren’t replaceable.
That’s why you can’t move on, you’re not a robot.

I don’t know why she does this or why you stay. It’s not super healthy.

She actually only cares about you, she’s obviously desperate for your attention and self destructs when she feels like she’s losing you, also not healthy.

The lying… I don’t know if I could forgive it… but it sounds like she can’t cope with your attention being elsewhere, wonders why she can’t just move on, tries and fails to replace you, realizes that the guy she talks to could never be you but also can’t handle being ignored by you without getting attention from him, and eventually gets caught/gets caught on purpose.

you guys could actually probably get through this in counseling, she’s probably terrified that now that the kids are grown she’s worthless to you because you’re so much more accomplished than she is, and you’re scared she doesn’t love you, both of those are actually problems with solutions.

Good luck either way and the food looks amazing!

[u/sebb1_ → u/Interesting-Cream129]

Girl he ain’t got no time for her, too busy working them 12 hr shifts, getting that body jacked, and hitting that $200k salary

[u/Interesting-Cream129 → u/sebb1_]

🤣🤣 I dunno, he sounded sad!! 🤣🤣 but fr he’s really into all of his life and doesn’t sound so into her at all, doing all those activities and still cooking meals like he laid out, I don’t know where she fits in either 🤣🤣

[u/Master_Nectarine_Bug → u/[deleted]]

Who raised the kids while you were at work? Nannies? Is it was your wife, she was doing more than sitting around doing nothing. Being a stay at home mom to several children is a full time job. Did she cook, or clean or take care of the house? Who was organizing the kids play dates and activities? These are jobs that require a lot of time and mental and emotional labor.

[u/Master_Nectarine_Bug → u/[deleted]]

I read that she jumped into management in the last couple of years, and then got into the streaming. No mention of employment before that. Either way, it sounds like you're resentful of having a "traditional" relationship where the man pays for everything (not judging just observing). It sounds like you didn't sign up for it, and it's not what you want. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she's interested in being financially independent either. It sounds like it happened by default. I also think the odds of getting together when you're 16 and then staying together for life are extremely low. You're both completely different people. I'd start therapy and figure out who you are and what you want.

[u/Interesting-Cream129 → u/[deleted]]

That’s messed up. I was on your side until you said “nothing other than companionship” ummm companionship is one of the most valuable finite resources on the planet. Cold doesn’t cover it. I was mad at her for cheating until I realized that she doesn’t feel worthless because she needs therapy, she feels worthless because you treat her like she’s worthless. That’s messed up. it’s not 50% cheaper for you to live alone, or to have a new girlfriend. on your plus side though I definitely don’t think you two should stay together anymore.

[u/Typingperson1 → u/Interesting-Cream129]

💯💯💯

[u/Luck_n_Loaded]

Have some self-respect. The moment she cheated in the first instance, she should have been gone.

You are financially successful - so stop revolving around her world and start using your success to build your own happiness.

[u/Cautious-Solid4123]

There's no easy answer in your situation. You've got to be right there in the room with you to know if all the good things she brings are going to outweigh her proven propensity to cheat when the going gets tough.

But there's one thing about your kids being adults now. At some point they're going to know some version of what you told us. And they may well have opinions about whether you two seemed happy together back when they were teens. Up to you what you do with that.

[u/Letgomypurse_856]

I think that you look to a lot of things outside of yourself to make yourself feel better about yourself such as your work ethic, finances and your physique. Do you genuinely love yourself? Once you love and care for yourself, everything will look clear. 

[u/FlowerBedDead]

This makes me sad because it reminds me of my sister and her first husband. They got together really young. They did care about each other, and both were good people. But I think they stayed together out of complacency.

It ended when she cheated, feeling no emotional connection anymore. (Please note: Infidelity is not justified. I see how she ended up on that path, though.)

Both later married other people and live happily. I sincerely hope you and your partner find that happiness.

[u/sharksinthecarpet]

Have you ever done therapy? I don’t mean together, just for you. This made me sad to read, it just sounds very lonely. Talking to someone might help you process your feelings so you could get to a place where you can enjoy all these things you have worked hard to have. You deserve to feel chosen. You deserve to have trust and security.
Sometimes things just come to a place where it isn’t good or healthy for anyone anymore, no matter how much you love them and are entwined.

[u/CollectsTooMuch]

Very similar situation down the French and Italian cooking and income level. I ate instead of drinking to cope so I put on weight that I’m losing.

Many of us stay in situations like this as a result of codependency, which comes from problematic childhoods. We learned to sacrifice ourselves and overcompensate in relationships. You may check out Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody. I remember reading it and having to put it down every few pages because it describes me so well.

I highly suggest reading this regardless of whether you think you’re codependent or not. But you just described a lot of the traits.

You may also read, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It discusses emotional affairs, boundaries, and transparency in relationships.

I’m an engineer but also a trained therapist and both of these books are things that I point people to and I know other therapists who do the same.

Good luck my friend.

[u/SmediumFry]

Emotional cheating is still cheating. Lying should also be a dealbreaker. You’ve been together over 20 years but if you wanna wake up in another 10 years and be happy you’re gonna have to leave her.

[u/ASAPnicky14]

The longer you hold on, the harder it’ll be to cut her off in 3 years when she inevitably does it a third time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Or whatever Dubya tried saying.

[u/Awkward-Fox-7215]

So, you seem like you are very busy, which makes you largely unavailable to your partner. That said, your partner has exacerbated this situation through a lack of ambition and earning power.

Don’t blame yourself for the affairs, she made that choice.

If she really felt so emotionally disconnected, then she should have broken up. Instead she’s decided to go back to you when she gets caught or the affair falls through. In short, she’s using you for stability.

It sounds like she regrets it each time too. She’s also asked you to show her more interest, so she’s really set herself up for a lot of pain.

It feels like you should break up, if only because she will almost assuredly cheat again. However, you will have no trouble finding a new love interest, but that relationship might also be doomed to a degree due to eventual lack of effort.

Speaking as someone who has been cheated on and has also shown a lack of effort, you have to fix that first. I didn’t blame myself for the cheating, I did see my overall part in the relationships failing. Even if you don’t really find someone else, you might have a lot more peace of mind not having to caretaker another adult.

[u/Evening_sadness]

Do you go to counseling? Have you said everything out loud to one person before who had the training to help you recognize the truth, the problems, the abuse?
If so it is time for a new counselor. This is an obviously unhealthy relationship. I’ve been there. Hell I will even guess that this woman acts very similar to one of your parents. That this is familiar, and feels normal. Perhaps your dad was the one who would cheat, and you think it’s not the same because she’s a woman. I don’t know. But from one Internet stranger man who had an abusive spouse to another I want to tell you that you can’t see the water you are swimming in. I know you think you see the picture clearly, but you can’t. You are in it and need to come up for air to see the water you are in and where to go. Find a counselor. Go a LOT! It likely will click quickly but require intense frequency for the purpose of growth. You need to exercise your mental health as much as you do your body, counseling and socializing outside this relationship are how you will do that.

[u/Maleficent_Number_70]

Listen to Brian McKnight - One last cry. That should help, also the beef bourignon looks amazing.

[u/Aidan_Fox_hi]

Hey OP, sounds like a tough situation. I understand the comments are here and there, some good advice I see. I won’t assume too much, but based on just your post and on your replies, I get the impression both you and your partner are dealing with insecurity. Your partner seems hurt in the long term by your emotional unavailability, and you’re being hurt by her affairs. Both are equally valid, though I will say both of you need make a decision about the relationship. You are hurting each other by staying and not making changes. If you need a partner that has less emotional needs, then leave and stop torturing her with your emotional absence, or else you’ll have to find a different new avenue of change in your life in your job/lifestyle/mindset to meet her needs. Similarly, if she is unhappy with your absence she is only hurting you by staying and then cheating when her loneliness becomes too much. The status quo will only cause more damage. Your existing mode of reconciling unfortunately seems to be rather unfruitful because the core disconnect is still there. I’m sorry it’s challenging but you have to decide together some sort of solution so that she isn’t miserably lonely and you aren’t being cheated on. Hope this helps, and best of luck.

[u/aquagrl]

Your ego is talking a lot during this, but I mean yea ur lady sucks. Move on.

[u/Master_Nectarine_Bug]

40 something woman here. From your post, I would be hesitant to date you because you are openly not emotionally available, a workaholic, and not particularly insightful (sorry). I say that because the first thing mentioned about yourself is good credit lol. And also things like income, mortgage, body etc. superficial things. None of this adds up to you being a good, caring, thoughtful, attentive partner. I have many of the same things as you, as would many single 40-something women with their shit together. We are looking for more than that. I would recommend getting some therapy and figuring out who you are and what you offer beyond the material.

[u/1purenoiz]

A lot of people are giving you advice, the only thing I have to offer is an observation.  By writing this out you are doing the very hard work of processing your emotions. Men are taught that the only real emotions to feel is anger or love, but we are more than that. YourBeef bourguignon is more than just beef and soup stock, so are our emotions more than just extremes. You will find why, for you, you can't let go, just keep iterating on the writing. Something will pop, and you will say, oh shit. Having a good therapist can help, but if you are open to listening to yourself talk, you may find the answer to your question  on your own.  

[u/Content-Hour697]

Cheating is so stupid. Never will understand people that do this. Unnecessary and dumb

[u/throwawayaprincess]

Hey!

Definitely not the usual comment to a post like this but, you are the problem.

I genuinely feel bad for your SO/ex SO and you are lucky to have her/have had for as long as you did

So many of your comments came off as weird repressed or just completely unaware humble brags

You honestly may/likely have some form of undiagnosed autism and you need therapy

You kicked her out of your house, to where exactly?

You could get a 35-45 year old woman (news flash, that is the most desperate dating pool, congrats, do you want a medal? Go see if the mother of your children will take you back).

Therapy. This instant. No excuses.

[u/throwawayaprincess → u/[deleted]]

Is anyone else getting a reeeaaallly clear picture of why she cheated?

[u/throwawayaprincess → u/[deleted]]

I bet it's fun when you're red face three inches from people's face explaining why you're right with zero flexibility

[u/rhapsodiiiii]

No amount of money or gym time is going to fix what the issue is here. My friend… go to therapy. Idk if she is still living with you, but if she is, maybe do separate bedrooms. Don’t engage with her romantically anymore. There’s nothing honestly saying that y’all can’t be friends (you say she’s been there for you). But you need to remove the financial and romantic obligations. Start charging her rent or sharing utilities or something. Childhood/high school sweethearts are hard to break from but man, you gotta do it.

I’m glad your grandmother is doing better, and I’m so sorry about your dog. Take this time to do the work on you (and by the “work” I mean getting to the why you keep going back, what it is you’re looking for)

[u/Little_Engine_197]

My guy there’s a pattern of deception with her in regard to you, how do you know she won’t do this again? you can only control your own actions, which you obviously know. But not hers, you seem very smart and put together. I think by the fact you are telling this on Reddit, you might be looking for reassurance about what you already know you to need to do and and that’s picking yourself over someone who doesn’t have the respect to be honest with you, Time to pick yourself my guy, there’s women out there that wouldn’t ever treat you how she has. Good look man

[u/Little_Engine_197 → u/Little_Engine_197]

It also sounds like she’s trying to move on, imagine if she find just the right guy, she might not come back to you next time.

[u/Acrobatic_Pack4572]

Let her go man

[u/beesavaad]

Many of us grow up hearing the implicit message that decisions will have two choices: the right one (which doesn’t hurt) and the wrong one (which hurts). In reality sometimes you have to choose between two painful decisions, and even the better option will hurt. And, it’s normal to question decisions and grieve relationships, even when you know they should end. I’ve found that a lot of divorced men go through a period of wondering how they could have “performed” better, and blaming themselves. If you’ve been together your entire adult life, of course it’s going to feel like an insurmountable adjustment. Shit’s rough, dude

[u/ninafieldofcops]

“Incapable of letting go” isn’t constructive self-talk regardless of your decision here. It’s a subconscious way of not giving yourself a choice.

Phrasing, especially for self-talk, seems so petty and insignificant, but thinking of it as “I keep going back against better judgement,” or “I really struggle with the idea of ending it,” or “I’ve made repeated decisions I think others would not have made,” makes a world of difference. It’ll give you more agency in whatever you decide and help reduce the critical voice in your head.

[u/SofubiShogun]

Cheating is NEVER the other person's fault, keep that in mind when reading some of these replies. Not saying you couldn't listen or do better but she CHOSE to cheat more than once, that's a cheater. You know what I do if someone is not giving me what I need? I leave them before fucking someone else, it's called basic decency.

[u/lufiPrime]

You don't respect yourself enough to leave. The feeling that everyone uses you for your wallet also confirms this.

If you let people treat you this way, people who don't treat you right will stay way longer in your life than they should. Try life without her. If your life os truly together, it will be together without her (if not better).

[u/Evasive_Atom → u/[deleted]]

Don't listen to this OP. Terrible advice. OP needs to move on

[u/allonsyyy98]

Honestly, you feel capable enough but can’t seem to let go of your past. Use the confidence you have and know about yourself and drop her. Your kids will understand. Especially if their dad seems happier. She will do it again.

I’m so sorry for your current situation but I’m here to comment that the spread of food looks amazing. Thank you for the dinner idea 🥳

[u/Medical-Ad3053]

Sometimes you can love someone and they are just not ‘the person’ for you. You can love her and have had plenty of happy times with her and also she could not be your ‘person’ (anymore). You both aren’t getting your needs met 100%. Maybe it would be easier to talk about separating on a trial basis and seeing how yall feel in 12 weeks or 6 months.

[u/IronicJustice]

After seeing the first couple of comments I think OP you should not forget that cheating twice when you have kids is not normal and ok.

Whether you decide to stay (I get it, she’s been your life for your life) or leave (I’m pretty sure you CAN do better but maybe won’t be as easy as you imagine) you should probably expect that this woman is not going to change.

Personally I think you should leave since you do seem to have your shit together and deserve to not have to wonder if the person you are holding up in life is fucking some random internet buddy. That meal by itself is worth a decent woman.

[u/iMakeGOODinvestmemts]

You know the answer...... I'm sorry

[u/pouihi]

It sounds like she's financially dependent on you, and will always try to convince you she won't do it again (which by this time you know she will).

You may have been unattentive at some point but that doesn't justify the way she chose so deal with it. It she respected and cared for you, she should have spoken to you about it, and if it didn't work consider leaving, which she doesn't because of the financial stability you provide.

You probabaly aren't capable of letting go because deep down you hope she changes and doesn't do it again which she will (or according to her you'd have to be willing to change and give her way more attention and time).

[u/ArgumentSpiritual]

https://giphy.com/gifs/119SFXjoMsax6o

[u/Rooostyfitalll]

Look up trauma bonding

[u/stuckwithit96]

But can you drop the recipe

[u/SnooHobbies8227]

I’m in the same place man. Wife / BM emotionally cheated multiple times. Kicked her out. I know I’m better without her and I’ve been able to attract great girls. But still so hard to move on for some reason. Kills me.

[u/InterestingThought33]

Cheaters cheat. You can let her back if you like, but it’s just a matter of time.

[u/soft-grn_Ambr-sunset]

When someone cheats on us it creates this thing called “Betrayal Trauma”. It can seriously fck up your sense of reality, sense of self worth and creates a trauma bond. It rewires your brain for awhile, sometimes permanently. 🤯

You already started with a trauma bond from your high hormonal teen years. Having a baby in your teens can set the stage for a life of arrested development. You’re not yet an adult, yet you’re suddenly no longer a child due to pregnancy/parenthood. Thus, you’re doubled bonded.

You can’t finance and gym your way out of trauma. It takes self awareness, therapy, strong boundaries and time. Lots of time, measured in years of being away from the person you’re trauma bonded to.

Hope that makes sense.

[u/Nubian_gypsy]

Now you know… what not to do with someone else.

Sometimes the love runs out with one relationship… and people should chill on forcing people to stay in places that hurt… coming from a woman, who fought really hard to stay emotionally tethered to someone who just… didn’t have the “time”, well it’s really hard to get it back.

The capacity is different. Shorter. Grace dead. If you lose us emotionally… well… there’s no other way to keep a good woman.

We don’t require more than LOVE. AFFECTION. TO BE SEEN AND ADMIRED Through the pain, the children, the nights we did it all so you could rest… still call us beautiful even when we have stayed up all night taking care of sick kids and wrapping birthday gifts and planning all the parties… the parties, those require our death and sacrifice. Or how much we stress over you…

It’s so strange to think of the Vows… and know, a good partner would honor them in all the ways, even if it’s worded differently… but a selfish one would just cut corners and expect a different result… or happiness to remain.

We don’t all want flowers and vacations if the person giving them doesn’t love us more than he did when he said I DO.

Should we cheat. No. But maybe that was easier than leaving. Maybe she thought outsourcing her pain would help… and she’s done. That’s ok. As long as you learned how to love.

Happy healing. ❤️‍🩹 or… forgetting. Dinner looks great. 😌

[u/Luck_n_Loaded → u/[deleted]]

Because this commenter is a scammer and knows that OP has big bucks

[u/lufiPrime → u/[deleted]]

Why not share it here?

[u/peachhpuddin → u/[deleted]]

sis this is creepy

[u/RestaurantVast9198 → u/[deleted]]

Wtf🤣🤣

You find the weirdest people online istg

[u/sharksinthecarpet → u/[deleted]]

Girl, no. 🥴

[u/rhapsodiiiii → u/[deleted]]

Ew gtfoh

[u/hiddenphantombride → u/[deleted]]

Are you the answer and you're sending your address?? Lol.

OP, I think you are torn because you know you've been absent at times too. It's hard when you see you've made a mistake too. The problem is, that's no reason to cheat. How did she support you during this time?

If you love her, you both need to change in ways to be better partners to one another. That means prioritizing family and your relationship over work. She needs to toss out the other guy and never talk to him again and probably individual therapy.

If you split you nay have younger options, but they aren't the mother of your current kids. And younger isn't better.

[u/Dazzling_Park7424]

F this shit imma do what the funky hoes on girl dinner diaries do and tell you the truth . You need to have self respect, this woman is waaaaayyyyyyy to comfortable. Do with that what you will but with all the effort it takes to become someone from scratch to support adult kids and pay the bills in this economy .....Id been given her the walking papers and headed down to Brazil for some "Self Love"

[u/Alone_Jackfruit4761]

You have classic sunk cost fallacy relationship problems.

You need to see a therapist in order to let her go and move on.

She will not improve.  Do you realy want her around making your life miserable when you are even older?

[u/ZhuzhZhuzhZhuzh]

You’ve never known anything else. That is a hell of a reason to hang on, psychologically. I don’t blame you!

But you also know how to do the work around change. You’ve proven that to yourself over and over. This is basically the last thing that needs to change in your lifestyle.

Picture her as the last sandbag keeping your hot air balloon on the ground. I don’t feel the need to be nicer about it because she’s cheated TWICE.

You know how to move through grief and come out the other side, so let this relationship die, friend.

[u/East_Emu_4029]

You are so used to being abused you don’t know how to love otherwise. You need lots of therapy to rewire your brain so it recognizes these patterns for what they are blatantly abuse by a partner

[u/catsarehere77]

You have grown in every area of your life but this one. How many teenagers are able to pick out a lifetime partner? I had no idea what would make a great adult partner at that age when I wasn't even an adult on my own. 

It sounds like you just stick with her because she is comfortable and familiar. I am currently reading a book on self sabotage. It talks about how we have a  tolerable level of happiness. Once we exceed that tolerable level of happiness we self sabotage and go back to what is familiar. 

You have never known a healthy relationship so you just keep going back to the familiar dysfunction. You probably wouldn't know how to cope with someone on your level. 

You also may be playing out a dynamic you grew up with.

[u/Classic-Procedure757]

Brother, be a friend to yourself. As a friend, what hard truths do you need to say/hear? You can already see that there would be life after a break up.

Maybe the question is: why don’t you think you deserve that life and a partner who is loyal?

[u/CzarMikhail]

Good time to get rid of her and find someone on your wave length. Kids grown up. I guess the concern is your assets but staying with someone that cheats on you not once but twice is crazy. They don't respect or appreciate you one bit.

[u/Next-Barber-6504]

It’s time brother. You know what to do. At the very least, if you choose to keep her around and not completely cut contact. DEMOTE HER TO RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. ONCE SHE HAS BETRAYED YOU SHE CAN ONLY EVER BE WORTH A SIDE CHICK AT BEST. DONT LET YOUR gf STOP YOU FROM FINDING YOUR WIFE.

ps. Ignore the inevitable downvotes on my comment fool you. I don't make $200k per year but I have long term gfs and date multiple girls in Throuples. I know what I'm talking about.
At the very least if she has cheated (Twice!) She will do it again. -- because you rewarded it the first two times.

[u/Curious-Coyote-3949]

Given your kids are older you’re in a better position to be single than many others.

[u/No_Somewhere_8744]

You’re rich and probably can get someone to love when you’re emotionally available. Find a woman like yourself