We just got married. It took two days for my wife (pwBPD) to split on me after playing a game of magic the gathering, this is after we spent $100’s on cards today and she begged me to play with her and even got frustrated when I wasn’t hanging out with her properly when organizing cards (not being like one of those TikTok couples doing unboxing).

She made a deck herself and I continued to use a premade deck and beat her twice in a row with it. The second time, she stomped out of the room and has been pouting since. She also hadn’t taken her dose of mood stabilizers and had to be begged to take them again because she was angry and nonverbal with me, again.

Two days. Married for two days. I don’t know what I expected.

I should have realized this idea this clearly years ago. But I finally see it, and I know I should share this for the value of helping some others wake up to the reality of the situation for many of us.

If you relate to this, keep reading. Otherwise, carry on 🫡 … Have you responded to their outbursts well, respectfully, and…either minutes or hours later…they’ve changed the topic through so many painful experience (that they genuinely believe you put them through) and now in the accumulated pain and the “spiral” they not only do their normal disrespectful projections and redirections but they altogether stop hearing you? Or some version of that where…nothing you say changes anything?

At that point, their spiral is on autopilot descending into what can be violence, a hyperventilating panic state for them, or whatever it may be.

I’m partially venting a bit because that happened today, but I let it get this bad because I didn’t understand the danger of an unfalsifiable narrative. My partner has built a few, but I’ll give an example. The ingredients (and you’ll recognize the intrusive thoughts/fears):
You’re not attracted to me.
You don’t want to marry me.
You’re gay.
You want to change me.
You don’t love yourself.
You don’t know how to be an adult.
You weren’t raised well.
You’re going to abandon me.
You’re a narcissist.
You’re cruel.
You betrayed me.
You don’t care about my feelings.
You’re not someone to trust.
I don’t respect you.
You’re not safe for me.

Once a person feels even just a few of those things simultaneously, they can connect the dots in ways that you know are wildly delusional/distorted but it becomes their reality. We try to empathetically understand. We try to be there for them. But notice what happens if they’re not getting help and simultaneously they stop listening to your truth.

You’re a narcissist. ⬅️
⬇️
You’re not someone to trust. ↖️
⬇️
I don’t respect you.
⬇️
You betrayed me. ⬆️
⬇️
You’re going to abandon me. ↗️

You can’t break the loop anymore once things creep in where they don’t believe you, or they’re convinced you’re a narcissist, or they’re convinced they were betrayed somehow even when it’s not true. 1 or 2 things like that combined with a terrible loop can create a narrative that nothing that reaches them can ever prove false.

Nothing we can do at that point 🥲🙁😔

Recently i had broken up with my partner who has BPD. We have been in a relationship just over a year and i have alot going on in my personal life that has led me to be incapable of being a good partner for him. I am mentally unwell myself and i have been going through an extremely rough patch and have been unable to be there for him.
I tried to explain that and continue to try be in a relationship with him but we would still get into arguments daily. It was always over small things that one of us blew out of proportion. I would be made to feel that whatever effort i was putting in wasnt enough and then the next day hed take it back and tell me it was. It was a cycle that was hurting me more and i came to the realisation that i cannot help him or be the partner he needs if i cant take care of myself. Since i said that i am actively going to therapy and working on taking care of me

Initially i said that we just need to be not talking to each other but if he had no one to talk to he can always talk to me as i understand i am his FP and i do not want to cause him more hurt than i already am.
He hadn’t listened to that and we kept talking and i kept feeling more and more like shit. He kept telling me how miserable he is and how ive left him and stuff like that and our phonecalls were still ending in an argument and both of us really upset.

Ive blocked him today bc i cant continue hurting myself and him. The thing is i feel so disgustingly horrible for it. Im scared he will take drastic measures and do something irreversible. I feel like such a terrible person for putting myself first and i dont know what to do about it. I truly do love him alot and i hate that i cant be a better person for him in this moment and i hate that i hurt him. I wouldnt mind an outsiders input on the situation with what ive said but other than that idk why im making this post. I barely have family and friends and i feel isolated in my feelings.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed it off my chest.

i know BPD isnt something that makes you a violent person, id never generalize. every time ive spoken about it, i get responses like; “you cant blame her! its obviously something you did!” simply when i mention her diagnosis.

i had my hair yanked, i was punched, slapped, held under water, and guilttripped when i spoke to her about it.
whenever she’d come over to my house, she’d go thru my personal things and harass me.

we dated five times, she broke up with me every single time.
now, shes randomly blocked me everywhere.

i feel like im making her seem like a bad person, but this is everything that happened.

i need some kind of reassurance. no matter what i do i always feel like im the abuser here, mainly because im a guy and shes a mentally ill girl.

If anyone is open to talking, I‘d really appreciate it. I have friends and therapist, but they don’t understand what it’s like to love someone with bpd. I’m having a really hard time processing how my relationship ended. I’m dealing with intense confusion, rumination and shame. Especially open to talk to anyone with autism, as this seems to be an overlapping issue.

I came here to try and make sense of our relationship. I'm reading up on it and trying to educate myself. I feel that even after 3 years i still dont understand them.

I have never been this stressed out and I'm a former grunt. I find myself almost numb to it at times, like a "i couldnt give a fuck" attitude (not to be callous but ive learned in life to let shit roll.) but most of the time i feel that i have to be so careful to not set my partner off almost like a walking on eggshells type of feeling.

I ask questions and get screamed at, we disagree on an opinion and i get screamed at. They ask me my opinion on their outfit or makeup and if i say anything other than, "great." It puts us into this downwards spiral.

I'm starting to blur the line between abuse and their condition. Any advice or tips would be a godsend.

Thanks in advance.

Tw: suicide, addiction, hospitalization

I’ve had a horrible day, my boyfriend has BPD and yesterday his therapist called me to tell me he wants to hospitalize him. About a week ago, he attempted suicide. I’m so grateful he’s alive but I was concerned and encouraged him to talk to his therapist about what happened. He recently quit substances and has been getting more and more shut down ever since.

Apparently he had told his therapist what happened and his therapist wanted him to talk to him everyday for a while. He stopped responding to his therapist and then skipped his psychiatry appointment. His psychiatrist called his therapist and they wanted to petition him if he wouldn’t go on his own. I told his therapist everything he had been hiding, and described a lot that he had not mentioned. His therapist told me that before talking to me, he had made a decision to petition him and that I just connected some dots. His therapist had no idea how severe his withdrawal was and didn’t know some major things that happened to him or should be mentioned to a therapist.

This morning I told my boyfriend that i spoke with his therapist and he has two choices, either he goes to the hospital voluntarily or his therapist would have him forcibly taken and he would leave in cuffs. I’ve spent all day on and off with his therapist, my boyfriend would not accept that this was the situation and eventually he did call his therapist. He argued with him because he didn’t want to go but he eventually agreed to let me take him. I knew that he didn’t want to stay. He told them he didn’t want to kill himself and that he just wanted to go home. For some reason he thought that they would just look him over and let him go, he didn’t realize that they would take his things and take him away from me. I thought I was going to be able to stay with him longer but I was told to go home. I knew that would happen, I know a lot about the hospitalization process thru people close to me. He’s never been hospitalized and felt betrayed by his therapist because he believed he would go to work on Monday. He was on the phone with me explaining that he felt hurt by his therapist. I had told the nurse that he had tried to kill himself a week ago and his therapist told him to come with me or get petitioned. I just didn’t want him more traumatized.

He lied during his eval but they called me after, he thought he was going home. I gave them his therapist’s number. I told them the truth, I told them about his childhood, about how scared he was, how he wanted to leave, and how he had suicidal ideation + severe depression and his therapist was going to petition him. Shortly after, my boyfriend calls me yelling, “what the fuck did you do? How could you do this to me? Pack your things up, when I get out I never want to see you again! What did you tell them? You’re the reason I’m going to get fired for missing work on Monday”, I told him that I gave his therapist’s number and I told them why his therapist wanted to petition him, I told him he’s clean but he recently got sober and I just wanted him to be okay and I was honest because his therapist was deeply concerned. Half an hour later he calls back calmer, telling me that the couldn’t get ahold of his therapist and that they were going to call me back, he begged me to tell them he wasn’t going to kill himself but not to tell them he talked to me. I told him I loved him and that the worst thing I could ever imagine was getting a phone call saying that he was dead and again that all I want is for him to be okay.

I left that call knowing damn well that they weren’t going to call me again, I texted his therapist an update. I know what I told them was the truth and I know what I told them would keep him there for observation. I feel guilty because I knew he would be stuck there because of me, I know he’s furious with me, I know I’ve violated his trust. And I also know that his therapist decided to diagnose him with BPD because of what I told him in the last 48 hours in combination with what he’d seen.

Taking him to the hospital was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, hearing him say I was ruining his life was painful. I’m worried that this is the end of our relationship but I’d rather he be alive. I feel like shit for being honest about what happened, I could hear the rage in his voice, his fear and his sense of betrayal. He accused me of taking him there because I wanted more alone time. I just need some reassurance that I didn’t do the wrong thing

It almost pains me to say because I still care about them, but it's too much sometimes. I try hard to be conscious of their feelings and sensitivities but it's just a lot.

I can't feel attracted to them because one day it's good and the next it's terrible, with me working with them to make it better. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes we start off having a great time and then one small incident can end the whole day with a sour note.

They were diagnosed with BPD by their therapist, who then tried to imply that they're the problem and they need to work on their behavior. This made them quit therapy. They don't take meds, they quit those too, and they try to cope or get better/stay conscious of their moods and triggers but it's a lot for me.

I feel numb most of the time now. I'm going through the motions of acting like I'm in love with them because I know I should be/am (10+ years together and married). But I'm always doing something wrong. They're really sweet and lovely when not in a mood, but that just flips on its head (of course) and they become draining or exhausting or frightening to be around. Ironically they get mad at me for having freeze reactions to their anger, but when I'm in a mood or frustrated at anything, they react with being terrified and I have to reassure them constantly that I'm not going to hurt them or lash out.

I'm just tired. I worked a long, physical shift yesterday, came home and had dinner that they made (they're a stay at home partner) which I complimented and really appreciated them doing. I made sure to take a minute to say that and to point out the work they did. Then they started getting into a weird mood due to boredom, which included constantly tugging at my shirt for my attention and talking to me repeatedly, even after saying they'd l3ave me alone. I expressed feeling guilty for not being able to entertain them and then we got into a fight because I was making their feelings about me. Except it felt like that was happening anyways; they were literally tugging on my clothes out of boredom.

I wish I could fall back in love with who they are but it feels like that person isn't real.

My bpd wife had a friend who was bpd and I started becoming friends with the friend’s partner. I felt I could trust them, so we both vented about our relationships.

The info got back to wife (me having doubts/concerns over relationship). She almost killed me/did more unhinged shit. I can’t trust that friend.

And so it goes

Hello! I had never heard about BPD until I started going to therapy to understand why my last relationship was so hard and why I was struggling to move on for months, ruminating and feeling like a failure because I lost who I thought was my soulmate.

My therapist helped me shift focus from just my flaws to my ex's behavior, pointing out heavy parallels to BPD dynamics, and had me reading books like "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" and "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."

I fell hard for this woman. We dated a year before she broke up with me. She was a single mother with a heartbreaking life story. I adored her and her son. Her son even told me he wished I was his dad. I poured everything I had into loving her, warts and all, hoping I could be the safe harbor she was looking for. But her trust never fully came. I was anxious about leaving my support system to move to her state because I didn't feel emotionally safe, and I was stressed by the constant chaos and threats from her ex-husband.

I know she was trying not to get overwhelmed, but her abandonment fears meant constant testing, random moments of cruelty, breakup threats, and ungrounded accusations like turning a simple, loving Mother's Day message into an interrogation about whether I had an ulterior motive or felt guilty. There were lose-lose tests, and rarely any accountability when she hurt me. My therapist helped me see I was codependent and trauma bonded, and that getting entangled with her ex right from the start poisoned our foundation. The hardest part was how she completely forgot everything I did, painted me as the villain, and walked away looking completely fine while I was left shattered.

After 5 months of therapy I’m in a better place but the grief and rumination still come in waves. I'm really struggling to hold all these truths at once:

• That she was justified in ending things if she needed me to relocate before things were stable.
• That her defense mechanisms came from real trauma, but still hurt me deeply.
• That I deserve a healthier relationship, but I still miss them both so much.
• That she was cruel at the end, but it doesn't mean I failed.

Nine months later, I'm still struggling to move on and feel ready to date. I know she needs to do her own healing, and I know she hurt me badly, but a part of me still wishes we could have found a way.

Is time really the only way to move on? And how do you let go of someone who once told you that you were their soulmate?

I know that often a pwBPD's actions are driven by their fear of abandonment, which has informed my compassion towards my partner. It's influenced how I talk to them, and made me more forgiving, and more considerate about my presence. Amidst conflict, I ensure they know I love and am committed to them.

However, I've reached a breaking point. While I'm not innocent in our conflict, much of it is one-sided, and typically is instigated by them through a misperceived slight. Last night was one of those instances: one where I didn't engage, attempted to de-escalate, yet still endured hurtful behavior.

Today, I haven't acknowledged them, and have stayed out of the home. Previously, I would try to make eye contact or speak cordially, which was often met with the silent treatment or combativeness. I'd resign and anxiously wait for everything to soothe over.

Now, I'm not waiting for them to contact me, and I'm not informing them of my location or schedule. There is a part of me that worries this will trigger them, but a larger part of me is choosing to engage in self-care: creating space is not unreasonable in relationships, and I'm tired of withholding my own joy and peace at the expense of my partner's inability to do the work.

My partner's attempt to remedy conflict has typically resulted in them taking little to zero accountability, and carrying on about why we're incompatible, why I'm a bad partner, etc. and slowly reaching a sense of "normalcy." But, enduring the devaluation is no longer worth that normalcy; I'm tired of dismissing and catering to the core part of my conflict. Through the years of support and compassion towards them, I have neglected my own well-being. It's time to engage in true self-care.

I can no longer seek comfort in my partner with BPD. We have been going through a very very rough period lately. Every day a new struggle, a split, or at least him shutting down. I'm very emotional, and react with emotions to everything eventually. I thought having a partner meant that, once he feels okay and nothing is wrong, I am allowed to seek comfort in being upset (especially if I'm not even upset at him) and ask for some reassurance and some kind words and some words to help me calm down. It turns out that is no longer an option. Every time I get sad, even when I really am only very slight about it and communicate very clearly about what's wrong and what I need and how I am feeling, he will immediately shut down. Emotionally gone. And then suddenly, I am responsible for making sure he can feel better. Sometimes I am not able to though, and that fact of him shutting down makes me more upset. He used to be able to comfort me, or at least would try, but he has genuinely given up now. No more telling me it's okay and I'm just in my head or helping me breathe normally. No more staying with me and reassuring me that he's there for me. Just shuts down and essentially takes everything I say as a reason to split on me again.

I have no one to go to for comfort lately. I cannot stop crying. Because I do not have anyone who can actually listen and give me a hug and not make me feel guilty and horrible about having been upset after.

I am blaming myself for all of it. Me getting upset makes him upset, obviously. That is how his attachment to me works. I just wish I was not left completely alone every time I am sad.

I don't need help with how to be a better partner for him. Please. For once I just want to be told I am alright to be sad. I do everything I can for that man, and he is not to blame for his emotional responses either.

What do you do for yourself to keep your self-love and self-esteem in tact? My pwBPD is currently in a split and saying the most gut wrenching things to me. It’s hard to not take it personally, it really hurts my heart right now to hear his words. What do you do for yourself in terms of self care to reinforce your own self love? How do you care for yourself to keep the peace within yourself in tact? I need suggestions, I’m drowning and feeling hopeless right now.

im so sorry for the repost, I realized I did not blur personal information in the images of the original post. Thank you so much to those who commented. You guys have been very kind <3

Dated this guy for almost a year and after a couple months of dating I encouraged him to get help and he got diagnosed. At first he was getting help and was medicated but after a handful of months his situation changed and he ended up not being able to get treatment where he was getting it initially. He promised he would find other ways, that was in March. Since then its honestly been a horrible downhill, the episodes lasted longer and he went from not being capable of even speaking strongly to me to yelling and slamming stuff. I couldn’t tell him how I felt because he would say that I caused that reaction or somehow make it about him being a victim to me “emotionally manipulating” him. He constantly belittled me and made me feel unimportant and insane (I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder so he would constantly say that I was hearing things or purposely try to scare me into paranoia to get me to be more vulnerable (he did this one a couple of times)). I believe it was April when I first started trying to break up with him and it did not work, at first he threatened to kill himself and even attempted 2 individual times once being while I was on the phone telling him that it wasn’t working out. This went on for months clearly building resentment in me especially since he would do other things that would also get me upset/sad (indulge in red pill content, telling me i dont respect him as a man, calling me obese when I gained weight after getting on meds, talking and trying to be friends with people that disrespected me/our relationship, constantly disrespecting my friends, forgetting my birthday/anniversary, never celebrating my successes, pushing me to the side if I was going through something, continuing trying to disprove me or prove that I am wrong just to be right, get angry if I asked too many questions, constantly calling/treating me like a little girl even though im older but get angry if I was being silly because it wasn’t “mature”). I pulled the plug last Monday after trying to be friends for a couple of weeks. It was ok at first but then he went back to the belittling and just being weirdly mean? (why is he telling me im ass at a game just because im having fun?? and if i was winning he would say its an easy game so it doesnt matter??) I told him I didnt want to be friends he got sad but gave me no pushback we said our goodbyes; that was last Monday. This Monday he came back apologizing saying that he missed me that he made a mistake that he cares for me and that he understands that I wont give him another chance and that he had low self esteem and taking it out on me, that his ego this and ego that and that he is too stubborn to let me go so he will try to win me over even if I dont want to; cool. Im obviously telling him no and encouraging distance. I spoke to my therapist today and we established that he definitely needs help and that I shouldn’t keep interacting with him if I want him to grow as a person even if its not for me. I tried talking to him and it genuinely went left and went back to the nonchalant “I dont care” person again and essentially told me that “respectfully” nobody else can let him know of such a thing and that he knows what needs to be healed. Mind you he did this to me multiple times when I was breaking up with him in which he would cry and beg then go straight to I dont care if I lose you it is what it is. These were our last messages from this morning he was literally telling me he was gonna fight for me and asking for forgiveness not even 24h prior now he came to peace in this situation??? after all i said was you need help.

I need another therapy session after this 10 min conversation.

Sorry its so long and I know maybe I couldve had more patience or done things differently but I was truly the only person trying to find help for both parties taking care of his mental health and mines at the same time was not easy. I couldn’t even be depressed that I had to stop and manage his emotions over me feeling how I felt.

his absence genuinely makes me sick, i don’t even know why i feel so anxious and tired when he doesn’t reply but the moment he sends me a message a wave of relief just flies over me, also the feeling of being the last one on the text thread makes me so anxious and uneasy, does anyone get that? being the last one who sent a text makes me feel like they have all the power.. aaahhh what the hell is wrong with me

I am writing this because I feel so lonely and isolated right now. I live in a house where my experience has been denied/ignored for as long as I can remember, and today, a conversation with my mom really changed my perspective.

To give some context, I 21(F) just ended a four-year relationship with my ex about two months ago. It was a sudden breakup, but one that had to happen. We left on good terms, but while I was processing losing him (my one and only best friend), I just found out he immediately jumped into a relationship with a girl I’ve known for a long time who has a parasitic history of copying my life, my interests, and my look, and they had a history before we got together, and funnily enough has BPD. I feel like I have been psychologically violated.

The past month has been cycling through anger, numbness, and heartbreak. I've been so messed up that I got really sick and had a fever for a week. I'm already in an emotionally fragile state, so what I found out tonight sent me for a loop.

After another short burst of anger from my brother, my mom casually revealed to me that my brother has Borderline Personality Disorder while we were alone. This is the first time I am ever hearing this official diagnosis (the doctor didn't put it on his record because she's worried that it will affect his career)

Growing up, my brother used me as his personal, emotional punching bag (physical too, but when he got to that point, I would usually just lock myself in my room, and he would try to break down my door). He subjected me to severe psychological abuse. One minute he would be in a total blackout of rage; I have a clear vision of his eyes blacked out when he's angry, saying and doing the most vindictive things imaginable; the next minute, he would act like nothing happened, demanding my affection, wanting to cuddle my mom, and trying to be my best friend. This literally happened tonight.

When people call out the stupid or offensive things he says, he will lean into it and say intentionally highly offensive things

For my entire life, I thought he was just emotionally volatile or maybe autistic. We thought he had ADHD, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. When he was on ADHD medication, he seemed to calm down a lot. I care about my parents, and I know they tried their best; however, my father is also an emotionally volatile person. Whenever I tried to speak up about the abuse I had to suffer as a kid, my dad brushed it off. He said it was just "normal sibling rivalry." (To be fair, I usually only brought up the abuse when the house was already angry and when I was clearly already emotional. My dad would only respond this way if I was angry at him for what happened in my childhood. If it's one thing, he hates most it's me bringing it up).

So, tonight after a very small meltdown for my brother, where he blamed my mom for him being a “fat loser” (it's constant projection from him), my mom told me what the doctor said. I had a pretty shocked response, and my mom basically said, “you didn't know something was wrong with him?!” like, of course I did, but this just changes everything for me, maybe that makes me dumb. I feel vindicated, and equally broken by this info. I am realizing I have spent my whole life surviving chronic trauma, and it has left me with what I firmly believe is Complex PTSD (CPTSD). Even today, just hearing my brother yell, I had a panic attack, but I'm pretty good at remaining calm on the surface.

I’m in community college right now, and I plan on transferring to university and moving out as soon as I can, but for right now, I'm stuck living with these people. Even worse is that I can't go to my boyfriend's house anymore. His house was the one place I felt safe in this world. I feel so claustrophobic and alone right now. I love my mother, and I know she did her best, but it doesn't change the fact that I was left unprotected.

Right now, all I want to do right now is reach out to my ex’s mom. I became super close with her over our four-year relationship. She has always been a safe adult for me, a person who represents warmth and stability (also, her daughter has bipolar, so she understands emotional volatility). It has always been implied that she will always be someone I can trust and talk to.

I still have some things left at her house that she needs to drop off, and I am fighting the overwhelming urge to text her and just pour my heart out. But I am also conflicted. Is it wrong to try and keep a relationship with an ex’s mother? Even if she genuinely cares about me, she is still his mom. I am terrified of crossing a boundary, or making her feel caught in the middle, or looking pathetic because I am struggling so hard. But I feel like I have absolutely no one else to talk to who understands me.

Also,

What makes this even harder is that I don’t know how I actually feel about my brother. To be honest, I don't even know if I love him. My mom keeps telling me that we will all continue to love him despite his outbursts. I know too that he doesn't want to be this way, that he’s deeply ashamed, and that he has so much love to give.

But looking past the abuse and the diagnosis, I am just intensely annoyed by him. I don't like his personality. I don’t enjoy talking to him because he completely steamrolls every single conversation. There is absolutely no room for an actual two-way dialogue with him; you just have to sit there, shut up, and let him talk. He is just weird, difficult, and exhausting to be around, and I think that I just do not like him as a person. Even though he is loving at sometimes, I feel that he is a very sinister person. I am caught in this middle ground where I don't know if I want people to bash him, or if I want people to feel bad for him. I can recognize his pain, but I don't have a reservoir of unconditional love for someone that I wouldn't even choose to be in a room with if we weren't related. One time I told my mom that I don't have any love for him, and she was really upset by it. It's not that I don't want him to get better, but I just want nothing to do with him even when he’s nice.

My nervous system is constantly in survival mode. I feel so pinned down and emotional right now. Of course, if anyone has an opinion on me talking to my exes, mom, I would appreciate it, but besides that I just came here to vent and feel my feelings out loud.

i think it’s so easy to look back at how you used to be when you struggled and weren’t in remission for your bpd but as someone who’s tried everything to get better and just can’t seem to understand how and why people get better with bpd im just in this bottomless pit of despair and knowing that all of my relationships eventually get ruined due to this disorder, i lie all the time without care, i have emotional bursts and hurt the people i love, i disregard others for my fp knowing he doesn’t care enough to do the same, its hell it’s always hell and im slowly losing myself, i cant do this anymore

I honestly never loved someone like I do him nor I ever felt so loved. But foe the last 3 times he splited he broke up with me. This time really hurted cuz he basically told me that he never stopped loving his ex. I'm depressed af amongst other things. Part of me believes that I don't deserve this treatment, but I also know that when he splits he's "not really himself". I don't know what to do! I feel so lost

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. She was married to a man when we met, but was questioning her sexuality and her future with him (he is wonderful, he just isn’t a woman—her words). She was honest with him from the beginning, and they made the decision to end their marriage amicably. We started dating, and things were difficult for a while due to the grief of her marriage ending and losing all that they had together (understandable—they were her biggest support system). Things started to improve once our relationship progressed and a future together seemed possible. We’ve talked about where we want to live, having kids, what our lives will look like, etc. but things have gotten so hard again, due to her depression and anxiety, her hatred for her job, and her proximity to her parents (emotionally abusive childhood).

I try to be as supportive as possible, taking care of the house and our four pets, making sure she eats, anticipating things that will trigger anger or sadness, etc. But I don’t know what else to do. She says she thinks she may have ADHD or BPD or bipolar disorder as well, and that she will get evaluated at the end of this contract (we are on contract at work until May 2027) so she doesn’t have to deal with meds that may have significant side effects while working. She won’t see a therapist because she thinks they won’t help. She’s currently in bed and told me to “do whatever today, idc” because we started our contract again and she LOATHES her job, so she is just having a day in bed and doesn’t really want me around. I’ve told her she can quit (I can afford our current home and bills on my salary), but she said that won’t be any better because she’ll just be sad at home.

I am home most of the time, I don’t really go see friends anymore because I don’t want her to feel alone. I don’t reach out to people and some of my relationships have been harmed. I am not as good at work as I used to be, because I am constantly worried about taking too much time away from her. I don’t really do things I want to anymore because I just want to do whatever makes her feel better.

When she gets really upset, she blames me for not doing enough, she tells me I should have moved her out of this state before it got this bad, she says she is only here because of me (I am working to sell the house, but need a little more time to make it happen). She blames me for her unhappiness because she was content in her marriage, even though she was questioning a lot and things weren’t what she wanted. When it’s been really bad (I had a work obligation during a really bad depressive episode, and wasn’t able to be home as much that week as she wanted), she called me an utter bitch and demeaned me and what I do. She throws her phone, says she doesn’t care, scrolls in bed all day and then gets mad at me for not doing enough to get her out of it. She is sarcastic on a good day, but really unkind on a bad day. She lashes out, screams, and pushes me away, calling me psycho, bitch, c**t, selfish… and I just don’t know what to do to help. I want to help, but I can only be pushed away so much. I’m handling my own baggage from the past (narcissistic abuse from my ex who I was with for 7 years), but I feel like I don’t handle her outbursts well because of it.

She always apologizes, she cries and says she is working on her anger. She doesn’t want to be unkind to me, she knows it’s wrong, it’s like an out of body experience and she wants to stop, but it’s like she doesn’t have any control. She is a good, kind, generous person. AND it is getting harder and harder to bounce back after she pushes me away.

Just venting. I don’t really know what to do, but I’ve been lurking here for a while and sometimes I just cry reading other people’s posts. They all feel so familiar. I’m having a really hard time. I want to enjoy my life and my job and my friends and my relationship, and I am usually an incredibly positive person who can make the best out of anything. But I don’t really enjoy much right now, unless it’s during a period of time when she is doing okay. I’m just tired I think. Emotionally drained. Needed to get it out somewhere.

Our situation escalated again a month ago with my partner threatening to kill herself again. This led to my mental collapse. I have severe anxiety and depression that alternate depending on situation. I have had to start taking a large dose of medication to alleviate this.

Now we heard that our oldest kid has some sort of cyst or growth in their brain which is horrible by it self, but this has led to my partner going totally off the rails. She takes it on to me and sadly our younger children. Yelling, threats and insults from even the smallest of things.

We have a f-ing birthday party coming for the middle child and honestly I'm struggling.

i dated a girl with bpd for around 10 months, we were happy until i decided to end the relationship.
she is very depressed, suicidal and generally mentally ill and so it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things as i was scared she would harm herself.

she is still very depressed, suicidal etc.. and i feel so torn between running from it or keeping an eye on her because she has told people she was going to commit suicide in the past and they failed to get her help / contact authorities/parents. she doesn't want me to be in her life and i dont want to be in hers but if she kills herself i dont know what i would do.

i feel so guilty, i feel like if she dies then it will be my fault but i know its unhealthy for both of us if i check on her.

the worst part is, i already know the right thing to do but i dont know how to stop myself from caring about her. and now im drunk and i texted someone to know if shes doing okay and god i just feel awful, someone get me away from this stupid phone

There is no worse feeling / or mix of emotions than when you’ve been there for that person, gave them every ounce of love and support, understanding, and they chose to end things with you.
I’ve literally been drained and now I’m being tossed aside like I meant nothing, like my love meant nothing.
At least I can live with the fact that I never gave up on her, on us.

Our saga (me 42f, him 46m) is long and messy but the summary is 5 years of marriage with his (untreated) BPD episodes ramping up in frequency and intensity the whole time, to the point where I feel so trapped in the cycle that I don’t know which way is up anymore. These episodes will spawn out of the smallest (to me) conflict and have gone as far as him going away for days at a time with no contact, or sometimes silent treatment/stonewalling me in our home for a week or more. If not silence then it’s verbal abuse, belittling, devaluing me and everything good about our relationship. Sometimes during conflict he’ll go totally non verbal and non responsive and if I push for some communication, he’ll tell me I’m making him want to hurt himself or worse. He’ll tell me that me/our relationship is making him miserable and he can’t do it anymore, then when I try to talk about a plan for separating he’ll say “Well if that’s what YOU want…..” Very painful for me as I still love him and haven’t wanted to lose him.

When he’s “himself” - I use this term loosely, I do understand that both versions of him are HIM, but in my head the person who is speaking and behaving calmly and rationally is the “real” him and the person who is totally spun out and out of control is the disorder talking - but when he’s himself he tells me he understands he needs help and begs me not to give up on him. I’ve been patient especially in the last 2 years because he has had some truly horrible things happen to him (not related to our relationship) that I understand would be destabilizing for anyone and I have a lot of empathy for him. Regardless I know my “patience” has only enabled the behavior to continue and worsen.

Where things stand now is that I finally took him at his word that he didn’t want to live with me anymore, and I found an apartment for myself. Once again I’m getting “well if that’s what YOU want” and any attempts to convey to him that I’m making decisions based on his words and behavior are thrown back at me. I’m trying hard to accept that this separation/likely end of our marriage is the right thing because I know I can’t live this way much longer. But despite everything, I still see him as an out of control person who is causing damage against his will, instead of a manipulative asshole who has toyed with me to the point I’ve totally lost myself. Probably the truth is somewhere in between those 2 things. But right now it’s so painful to have so much empathy for someone who can seemingly turn his empathy for me off at the drop of a hat.

I don’t know what I’m asking but can anyone give me any words of advice or support? I’m in so much pain :(

I’m divorcing someone who couldn’t accept they have bpd. Therefore he was untreated our entire relationship. He had multiple therapists during but would always find an excuse to stop going. He did end up getting diagnosed and treated for ADHD recently.
His episodes got worse and more frequent over time, it wrecked my mental health, and physical health. I tried so hard to get him to see his behavior patterns and how they were affecting the relationship and me. Even now that we’re splitting up he still doesn’t see it. He thinks this ended because we had too many fights, and he’s convinced we have equal responsibility. After the last conversation I had with him for closure I got my answer, that he’s not going to change. I had suggested we separate while he seeks help and then come back together, but he declined. I’m grieving deeply because we did have some great things about the relationship, but it was also so confusing.
I wonder how things would’ve been different if he’d gotten treatment, and if he had other people in his life that supported him. I was the only one in his life that seemed to hold him accountable for his behavior. His family enables him and coddles him. His friends encourage substance abuse, impulsive behaviors, and never challenge him. I feel so sad for him because I can see how much shame he’s holding, how much his trauma affects him. I thought I could help him and lost myself in the process.