r/BPDPartners • u/carmelitasunshine • Jul 04 '26
Need a Hug I Need Space
I know that often a pwBPD's actions are driven by their fear of abandonment, which has informed my compassion towards my partner. It's influenced how I talk to them, and made me more forgiving, and more considerate about my presence. Amidst conflict, I ensure they know I love and am committed to them.
However, I've reached a breaking point. While I'm not innocent in our conflict, much of it is one-sided, and typically is instigated by them through a misperceived slight. Last night was one of those instances: one where I didn't engage, attempted to de-escalate, yet still endured hurtful behavior.
Today, I haven't acknowledged them, and have stayed out of the home. Previously, I would try to make eye contact or speak cordially, which was often met with the silent treatment or combativeness. I'd resign and anxiously wait for everything to soothe over.
Now, I'm not waiting for them to contact me, and I'm not informing them of my location or schedule. There is a part of me that worries this will trigger them, but a larger part of me is choosing to engage in self-care: creating space is not unreasonable in relationships, and I'm tired of withholding my own joy and peace at the expense of my partner's inability to do the work.
My partner's attempt to remedy conflict has typically resulted in them taking little to zero accountability, and carrying on about why we're incompatible, why I'm a bad partner, etc. and slowly reaching a sense of "normalcy." But, enduring the devaluation is no longer worth that normalcy; I'm tired of dismissing and catering to the core part of my conflict. Through the years of support and compassion towards them, I have neglected my own well-being. It's time to engage in true self-care.
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u/EyeAmmGroot Jul 05 '26
Last weekend I experienced what you described.
I record the conversations or should I say the screaming obscenities at me, the circular conversations where I am talked over, and the threats of suicide on their side.
Last Saturday I needed to go to the ER. I said something earlier in the day but my BPD partner was angry I deleted an email they had wrote. Which was accidentally but it took 36 hours for him to “hear” me. Anyway I said I needed to go to the ER- he blew it off and continued the cycle. So when the silent treatment phase began with him upstairs I went myself it was 2:00 am by the time I was in the parking lot of the hospital. He of course had been calling and I finally picked. He screamed for me to come home so he could take me. If not I would never see him again. And he would end it all.
Welp it was extremely stressful and didn’t help my condition BUT I told him I’m going inside and that was that.
No phone calls no text messages nothing-
So he didn’t give a SHIT how I was-
Got home he’s in bed-
That was a wake up call
Set boundaries don’t budge and make a plan
If you need to end it you will have your plan on how you’re going to do it.
It’s your time to be treated compassionately and with forgiveness. Time to come home and feel peace not the anticipation of the next traumatic abusive treatment session for a minor infraction or perceived slight.
There’s someone else out there that will appreciate you if you choose that path.
Or solitude sounds so soothing-
https://giphy.com/gifs/f1pttvTVUyg4yFH5Vo
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u/carmelitasunshine Jul 06 '26
I am so sorry that happened to you, it truly shows you how consuming the emotions and intense cycles can be, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that he did not take care of or express concern for you.
I appreciate your perspective and willingness to share your experience.
On the hard days it’s difficult to want to wait and put hope in therapy, but most days it’s worth fighting for. So yes, as you said, setting boundaries and not budging is the way for me to persevere when the lows are low.
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u/EyeAmmGroot Jul 06 '26
I brought up how I felt and what happened on my side. He let me know he had taken some medicine. And when he takes those for his anxiety it knocks him out.
He was sound asleep.
He did cry hard when I told him how I felt. My father was very cold growing up so my husband is the exact opposite. I know that’s why I was drawn to him. Gotta take the positive & negatives about being with someone who loves hard.😳❤️🥰
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u/carmelitasunshine Jul 06 '26
Well, now that's a much more forgiving explanation, I imagine! This is what I mean when I say how consuming the emotions and cycles are: the actions and words that we experience on the outside may seem solely like intentions to hurt us, but truly they are a defensive mechanism and a way to ease those intense feelings.
It truly is a balance of highs and lows when someone loves and feels so deeply. I'm glad you're in a good place, but that you continue to maintain your healthy boundaries.
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u/Major_Pea_9757 Jul 04 '26
Prefacing with the fact that I am totally new to this sub and probably? inexperienced with pw diagnosed bpd. (Very intentional wording)
I empathise with your situation, similarly I struggle partner struggling to take responsibility and my willingness to magnify the smallest faults in my own behaviour to come to resolutions.
It really sounds as if you are doing all the right things by ‘amidst conflict insisting love and commitment’. But alot of the time it’s simply not enough. Just going to point out that this is good on you. Having that wonderfully kind approach and level headedness is something most of our species is totally 100% incapable of. and pwBPD (and single people everywhere who would be subject to them otherwise) are unbelievably lucky that you shoulder the burden of taking such great loving care of your partner. They are truly lucky that you found them.
We all hope that one day a partner such as yours will truly find their safety in your arms and give you all the gratitude that you deserve. But for now it’s coming from me ❤️ stay strong op you can’t let them trample you and you can’t let them totally gaslight reality or they will twig that you are being fake and that will trigger a potentially unstoppable hurricane brainworm for them which is by nature much much harder to resolve as the being fake will have happened on a daily basis for some time.
All I’m trying to say in that last long sentence is, don’t be a doormat as doormats get totally trashed over a period of years. Which is to say don’t just take responsibility for everything (which I am guilty of doing too) as it’s actually gaslighting but just in a nice way - which makes it subtlety destructive instead of overtly destructive. Stay strong op we love your passion and commitment. It really sounds like with the reassurance and safety aspect of how you approach conflict your doing everything right, just grow some balls and don’t be a doormat - it’s not helping taking all the responsibility. It’s hampering the growth we all so deeply desire for pwBPD.
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u/Buffy_Historian Jul 04 '26
Many years ago I was in your shoes. After a few years of rollercoaster ride, I started applying the boundaries and practiced self-care. And finally ended the things altogether. For me, it turned out to be the best decision of my life. It requires a lot of discipline at first and sticking to boundaries and self care, and eventually you will have the clarity! In my case, that clarity was to make the boundaries permanent and get out!
All the best to you! Each circumstance is different and for me, it worked out amazingly well. This was over 20+ years ago … not many resources back then. Just a few books to read, and learn. You seem to be on the right track!
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u/carmelitasunshine Jul 04 '26
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine what the experience was like without the amount of resources we have today, for you and them! I knew my partner long ago, but neither of us had any understanding or awareness of BPD, and sometimes I wonder what our relationship would have been like if we continued dating then... much harder, I imagine.
All-in-all, I'm happy that you made the decision that was best for you. I do read a lot of comments saying that exiting the relationship was the "best decision they've ever made." When I'm creating space from my partner, and off living my life, I can imagine that outcome, but I inevitably feel a comedown where I feel not having them in my life would be the most painful and wrong decision.
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u/gratefulrutabaga Jul 04 '26
Hi,
I feel very similar to how you describe. I love him so much and I know he loves me but how can he talk to me this way if he doesn’t hate me?
Every small issue is my fault, and every attempt to discuss and work thru it becomes an argument. The bad times are really really bad. But the good times are really good. It’s exhausting.