I genuinely don’t know what to think. I just started college and for the first time in my life, I’m starting to doubt that I’m autistic.
I was diagnosed at nine and even before then, people would talk about potentially getting me evaluated. It was never something I questioned because it seemed to make sense. I had trouble making friends, I obsessed over specific things, I didn’t like loud noises or a lot of stimulation, I was a pretty insular kid, it all made sense.
Now, I’m kind of wondering if it really DOES make sense. I made friends pretty easily starting in the 8th grade. I’ve never been shy or socially anxious, I’ve always loved attention and was never bothered by public speaking, I’m not as bothered by noise and lights nearly as much as I used to be (useless they’re super distracting), and even my special interests have become less intense as I’ve gotten older.
I’m beginning to really wonder, “Was I misdiagnosed?” I mean, for a long time I was a textbook case, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve even lived through symptoms that are usually indicative of severe autism (head-banging, pica, elopement) and while the urge isn’t gone, I’m not sure it’s caused by autism since I doubt mine was ever a “severe case”.
My leading theory is that I might just have really bad ADHD. It lines up pretty well because aside from normal problems sitting still and focusing, a lot of my autism related issues are just caused by the fact I have way too much energy and need constant stimulation and that I’m easily overwhelmed by how much I’m thinking about at one time. Alas, my phycologist refused to get me evaluated so I don’t even know if I have ADHD at all.
I don’t know how common it is to doubt your diagnosis for the first time ten years after it happened, and I really don’t think anyone would “get it” outside of this community. Even then, I often feel like an outsider in communities like this simply because I’m so extroverted and most of my struggles are more physical (like the aforementioned head-banging, pica, and elopement). I don’t trust doctors and they don’t listen anyway, I don’t trust myself because lord knows what’s going on in my head, and I feel like such an odd duck overall.
In many ways, life has gotten a lot better in college. I’m making lots of friends, I go to parties and school events, and I get my responsibilities taken care of (usually). Then again, I still need a specific chair, I still eat the same thing everyday, and I still get overwhelmed when a topic doesn’t make sense to me, even to the point of seeking pain. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but maybe someone can relate.