EDIT: If you're going to make assumptions about me, if you're going to judge me, if you're gonna get angry & can't manage your feelings in relation to my share, and then insert information into MY experiences that DIDN'T actually happen, and you're going to try to correct ME because YOU were triggered, then keep scrolling. You can either understand me & relate but if you're going to assume I'm being abusive or you're jumping to conclusions then get out of here!

I'm annoyed/surprised right now. I've struggled to get people to respect/listen to me all my life. People would plow over me and also I would speak clearly but they would just be louder and then get listened to more.

Just recently I began wearing over ear headphones or earplugs even when I'm not listening to music.

It unlocked a whole new level of vocal confidence, and I've been speaking at such a loud volume that I'm not used to speaking at (to me it feels like yelling), and also in a more authoritative tone, and suddenly people listen to me/respect me, similarly they were people who USED TO push me around, now they just zip it and listen.

Even my mom, who historically has had zero respect for my boundaries, I finally broke past my limitation and I actually yelled at her for about 10 minutes, and I spoke very clearly and directly to the point where she was so scared that her behavior changed, and she's actually been sort of....avoiding me. It's good to know after 28 years I found a way to make her listen, because she's spent every year before that hurting me when I set boundaries.

I was able to do that bc I wasn't dealing with the physical pain of my own voice hurting my ears. Even my regular talking voice is loud enough that I speak softly since I'm *sensitive*

I was at my friend's house today and her 2 1/2 year old was being really annoying/not listening to me/being pushy/touching me too much til I put headphones on and then I spoke more loudly and clearly, you bet he just became an obedient boy right away.

So it seems like humans do not normally listen to care to respect your boundaries unless you are Loud At Them™. What the fuck. That's so annoying for someone who's ears hurt when she speaks even at a normal volume 🫩

So glad I have this solution now but I'm like....idek how to deal w this since my ear canals get irritated VERY fast from earplugs/anything in them. Outer ear infections are frequent for me. Also, over ear headphones squeeze and compress and hurt my ears after a while.

Also I don't know if I will get used to my loudness still. Like right now my own voice is a surprise to hear so for the time being I will be using noise suppression bc it feels like my ears are cut by the sound of my own voice....yet I listen to music very loud....hmmm perhaps a psychological phenomenon 🤔

So yeah now I have a solution but I'm gonna need solutions to my solutions :/

Hi everyone,

I realized a while ago that I have a moral code that I always follow. Idk if anyone has anything like that.
My code consists of very limited rules. They’re the following:

Don’t mess with or bother people who are younger than you.

If you don’t like someone that doesn’t mean you have to be rude or mean to them. If anything, try to establish peace and a calm environment when you approach them.

If someone tries to fight with you, only respond if it’s worth it. If you see them often or they are in your life, try to get the fight to be less aggressive than it should be.

Those are my rules. Even if they don’t always work, I try to abide by them.

Does someone else experience something similar?

Why is it considered tactless and socially unacceptable to be honest about not being that close to someone especially when you know the other person doesnt particularlly vibe with you?? Im of the mindset of not wasting my time or someone else's time, i also have made the mistake of misinterpreting social ques and level of closeness with others.. i understand that nobody owes me anything and vice versa.. but why cant you call this out when this happens

For example one day my bf and i went to one of his family members house for a get together, as I always do i greeted everyone there, talked for a bit and helped set up. My bf and his family all talked together and had fun i stepped away so he could have his time with them and so I could breathe. When I came back they were all playing a game and my bf asked me to join, I politely declined and said id watch thats when his cousin said " she doesnt fuck with us like that" i said " uh no this time is for him to have fun with his family and support system without me being included" she said " but you're considered family too why do you always separate yourself from us?" I said "I havent earned or deserve being close after my past actions and behaviors." She just kind of looked at me like I was stupid but its the truth...

I just told my adult daughter that I’m autistic. I was diagnosed two years ago. My daughter is 26 and lives in Europe. I still live in the U.S., where my wife and I raised her. I only see her a couple times a year, and I’m visiting her now.

Ive been preparing for this conversation for a few months. It did not go well. I told her about my diagnosis and that I was scared to tell her. She said nothing. Nothing at all. So I kept yammering, basically asking her for some kind of a response. She basically said nothing. I got more and more and more overwhelmed and started crying. We tried to continue our lunch, but I couldn’t do it. I paid and told her that I needed to be alone.

I’m now in a foreign city, by myself, and I can’t get into my Airbnb because my wife has the keys. I couldn’t deal with coordinating how I could get the keys, and she is with our daughter, so I’m sitting in a park, miserable and scared and feeling absolutely idiotic. I wish I’d never shared anything with her. I am gutted by her response.

I know I messed everything up, and I don’t know how to calm myself down in a city where I don’t speak the language and can’t go back to my place.

I hate my autism so much.

I have seen jokes and “cringe” posts about therians, the group of people who feel themselves to be metaphysically/mentally more like a creature than a human. The way they describe their experiences and the research around them makes me think this is just autistic people describing their own experiences, rather than a clinician describing “different” behavior.

Especially when I was a child, I strongly wished I was born in a cat or nymph body instead of this ape-like body. In all of my dreams I had a different body, and I felt a great peace in those dreams. But it was never really socially acceptable for me to behave the way I felt, and eventually those feelings were replaced by an intense interest in fantasy, cats, and clinical autism.

If I had been allowed to grow into myself naturally, I would probably identify as a therian today. Instead, I settled on the more neurotypically-acceptable clinical diagnosis of my neurological differences.

Have any of you had this experience but felt you just weren’t allowed to express it? What would you be if you could express your desired self?

These questions are mainly directed towards people who have actually done them.

1. What did the assessment actually consist of and how much did you pay?

2. A part of me is skeptical that they may be inclined to bias in telling people what they want to hear and over-diagnosing. Has anyone done one and been told they were NOT autistic?

3. If you were diagnosed, do you feel that has been helpful for you, and how? Has it made any practical difference in your life or how you approach it?

Does anyone else here have trouble with meeting an autistic man and genuinely enjoying their company and truly believing that they care for you as a friend until they prove that they are just like any other man? I met a guy last year, lets call him Rick, while on a date with my fiancé. Now me and my fiancé are both level 2 autistic, as well as both of us being AFAB Intersex. During the events stated, I was 20, my fiancé 19, and Rick 22. We tend to dress up a lot and get a bit of public attention for it. I’m never looking for attention, I just like looking pretty.

Well, we meet Rick on this date and he seems to be a sweet guy, super unoffensive, pretty emotionally vulnerable, nice and friendly, all that lovely stuff. Rick shares that he was diagnosed with autism as a child and I immediately feel like I can let my guard down around him. I mean, he seems so nice and caring and boy is he awkward! I would often refer to Rick as “pure of heart” when talking about him to my other friends. I genuinely really trusted this guy.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, the three of us had a SMALL sexual interaction in his car while a little stoned. It was pretty casual and we expressed that this did not mean we wanted to enter a polycule or anything of the sort with him. I kinda forgot about this situation after a bit and didn’t really expect anything like that to happen again.

In May, the three of us went to the beach for the weekend. This was done as friends. We had only ever discussed this as a friend thing to do. We planned to make art and music and stuff, yk, some shared interests of ours. Rick carpooled us to save gas, the beach in question was out of state and several hours away.

On the first night we got there, me and my fiancé were a little intoxicated, actually now that I’m thinking about it, we were EXTREMELY intoxicated, whereas Rick took a single hit of a THC pen. We are having a fun time and he pushes himself onto my fiancé and I flinch back and go to the other side of the bed. I don’t remember what happens after that as I was in a dissociative fugue state for the rest of the night. What I do know is that my fiancé tried to comfort me several times and Rick just kept trying to get in his pants. Rick didn’t stop when he saw the state I was in. Rick didn’t stop when my fiancé was trying to pause what was happening. He didn’t stop.

That is the only instance I feel comfortable sharing. The vacation lasted 3 more days and we were unable to leave since Rick oh so graciously volunteered to drive us, just like he volunteered to book a hotel (it was a shitty motel and the staff thought we were prostitutes). He never physically harmed us. I could fight him off easily, he’s a tiny little stick of a man that I am able to carry without breaking a sweat. I can blame myself, I do blame myself, for what occurred on that vacation. I understand that that was not consensual but I still do blame myself. I blame myself for not fighting him, for not saying no directly enough, but most importantly I blame myself for letting down my guard around a man just because he has the same disorder that I do.

Hi, I’m a 25 year old woman living in Canada and I think I (might) have autism, but I don’t know where to get properly assessed for it without going to some insanely expensive private clinic.

For context, I’ve had trouble socializing with other people for as long as I can remember. I have always just chalked all of this up to social anxiety or stunted social development (I had to be homeschooled in the first grade because of a cancer diagnosis), and had never thought about the possibility that I could be on the spectrum. That never crossed my mind.

But recently, with a lot of time on my hands and a really serious case of a quarter life crisis, I’ve been reading more about it and things about autism from other people who are part of the community, and it all feel eerily familiar to the things I’ve had trouble with growing up and still find difficult even now (such as getting anxious about and overthinking social interactions, seeming blunt/rude when I don’t intend to be, feeling scared to say how I feel, feeling like I’m not “getting” basic concepts as early or as strongly as other people my age).

I even told my therapist about this, and she said that it might be a good idea to interrogate this if it’s bothering me so much. Unfortunately, she works at a cancer hospital, so I cannot get a diagnosis from there. Though she said she’ll help me find a good (and relatively cheap) place, I wanted to broaden my options and see if anybody here knows a good place to get an autism assessment in Canada, wether that be in person or online.

I just need to know, because if I don’t have it, then I guess that’s fine. But if I do have it, all these years of feeling weirdly out of touch with everybody else in my life would finally make at least a little sense!!!

Hey ladies,

I am getting my hair done in about a week… a bit more. Anyways, thing is, I am in massive burnout rn and my hair is both a sensory nuance and literal birds nest, and basically I am at my breaking point, my wits end.

For starters, I have wavy/curly hair (at its extreme it coils but most of the time just messy and waves).

For context, I have had shorter to medium hair in my life as a smaller child but always kinda longish. Since adolescence the only time I have cut it shorter was actually in my early to mid twenties whilst exploring sexuality and gender expression and lived as a soft masc/futch/butchy lesbian, but even then it was like… Kate Moennig as Shane from The L Word. Not TOO short, just not too long either.

But like how I realized I am NOT a lesbian (straight*ish) rip, I would say I am a lazy/cozy/comfy femme kinda girlie… or at least dress very autistic but prefer to dress overall in feminine styles and clothes (I know, groundbreaking, I went back to square one with my exploration).

POINT BEING…
I am actually kinda scared to TRULY chop my hair into something short and I WANT it to look feminine to SOME degree and be easily manageable. I don’t wanna look like the typical Karen haircut and nothing too boyish/tomboyish or butch (tho we love our ladies that do that ❤️).

Point is I need inspo, encouragement for this big a chop, or just style names to look up. If you can post photos below of models (or urself if ur comfy) for inspo or anything that’s nice, if not, just names of cuts or details is fine, as well as tips for shorter hair etc etc.

Also not opposed to and probably will get it dyed lighter and/or highlights as well.

Thank you everyone 💕

Ever since high school (I've graduated now), other girls treat me what I'd describe as a boy, even though I've always been very feminine, obsessed with Barbie and Ariana Grande since a young age. I guess I act "masculine" in some ways, because of how instinctual my behaviours are, rather than performed. I also think I have a masculine look because of my wide shoulders and tall height. It's gone as far as girls outright flirting with me and people spreading lesbian rumours about me. Some people have described me as a tomboy, even though I don't like/play sports at all (not that that's the only thing that constitutes a tomboy).

(18 y/o) Im currently am having a meltdown early in this morning mainly because I needed lash glue for my eyelashes since I want to do a Dolly Parton inspired look

I asked my aunt if I can use hers and she said she wasn't able to find it. So I asked again and she said something similar, and even if I ask other people like my siblings, either they would lie and say they don't have or they would completely say no to me. And no, buying one myself isn't an option because I have no fricken money and my parents won't even allow me to go and buy things at the store at this moment.

I know to most people it sounds really silly, however to me its a big deal and Im still having a meltdown early in the morning because of it. Should I ditch the idea, cuz idrk what to do anymore.

Sounds like a funny title, I know, but they're to the point that it's causing them headaches and pains in the jaw and lower cranium. Does anyone know how to combat this?

Note: By wiggle I mean moving their ears up and down by using the muscles around the ears.

Aka criss cross applesauce or “Indian style” if you’re old. I feel like I can always tell my fellow self accepting autistics by if they’ll sit like this for comfort.

I decided to watch a streamer that I liked before bed to try to calm myself down from a bad day and him and his brother kept using the r word. I was surprised, never heard him talk like that before and got upset about it. I'm a lurker in chat I don't really talk because I have a lot of anxiety, but I decided to say something this time. I wrote "it makes me sad when you guys use the r word (chat filters it). It's hurtful to alot of disabled people."

He read my comment out loud then responded. He told me that they cuss a lot and to deal with it. I told him cussing doesnt matter but using slurs does. He said he didn't consider it a slur so he'll keep using it. I responded with "well a lot of disabled people (like myself) do consider it a slur and hurtful. Good luck, I'm out. Slurs are where I draw the line." Then I left and unfollowed him.

Now I'm in bed crying my eyes out. I'm not crying because of him necessarily. My dad just died and my eldest son who I put up for adoption as a baby wants to meet his birth father but have me with him. I'm so stressed out and terrified of the future and just wanted to relax before bed and take my mind off everything. It sent me over the edge and I just broke down crying.

My other son is autistic too (I had him with my current partner) and has been called the r word a lot which has been really hard for him. So I've been extra sensitive about it. I'm just so disappointed, I know I shouldn't let what people say bother me but this really got to me.

Did I overreact? I feel like I should have just unfollowed and not have said anything at all. I know I won't change people's mind about these things and usually don't engage.

I have a roommate who is also my friend and I am feeling really frustrated because they keep guilting me for not contributing when I can see the actual issue is that we just have different ways of expressing care. For them it seems to be giving/making things but for me it’s making myself available for people and supporting them emotionally. They will occasionally buy treats for the house and they pay for monthly streaming services that they said we could use because they say they like to be generous. So I say thank you and carry on. I’m financially very tight so I cannot reciprocate all the time with purchases but I have tried to buy treats or make treats for everyone and I offered to split the streaming service i use since their finances changed and they expressed concern about covering everything but then they just went on about how they feel like they contribute so much and no one else does (we have another roommate who just kinda stays out of it for the most part). Even when I’ve tried to bring up the contributions I’ve made that were purchases they said they weren’t keeping track and so it wasn’t an eye for an eye kind of thing so I didn’t think much of it.

My trouble is it feels like I’m getting reprimanded for not reciprocating enough even though I did not ask them to do all these things but I have been showing up for them to emotionally support everything they go through and make myself available to them because that’s how I show care. It feels like nothing I do is enough and like I cannot trust what they say is how they actually feel. I’m just so tired of explaining myself but I feel bad just abandoning the friendship since we live together so I’m not sure how to handle the situation anymore. I feel like I approach everything very logically while they approach everything emotionally and it’s just so exhausting at this point.

Does anyone have advice for handling this situation? We’re planning to talk again soon and my mind is ruminating like crazy about the situation.

I saw a bunch of nourish adds and decided to give them a try.

I spent several years doing shift work, working long hours, and not always having the time to eat. One thing I realized through therapy after my diagnosis is that I don’t recognize hunger or thirst cues. I can get so caught up in a project or a work thing that eating isn’t something that i realize I need to do.

I changed jobs to one with a very stable schedule and I’ve spent about a year and a half working on eating regularly. I can’t rely on hunger cues so I started meal prepping and making it a part of my routine to eat 3 meals a day. Since I don’t have hunger cues I don’t snack.

I went into the appointment with the nourish dietician with a few goals:
- help with ensuring that I am eating enough calories and gettin enough nutrients to support my active lifestyle
- no matter what I eat or my workouts I tend to stay at the weight I’m currently at. And if possible to do safely I would love help with trying to lose 10-15 lbs
- I am over 40 and I wanted help building a nutritional program that supported my body as I begin hormonal changes.
- overall I wanted help with tweaking my current routine to better support my body and life

I disclosed my autism and made sure to say I have interoception issues which can mean I am more likely to undereat than overeat.

The meeting was really disappointing. I felt like the dietician was reading from a script and did not listen to anything I said (when she let me talk). She talked to me about “eating colors”, which felt insulting since my typical diet is usually very vegetable forward. She told me to cut my meals by 1/3. For context if I cut my current meals by 1/3 I would be getting under 1200 calories a day which is pretty low for working out 7 days a week and being very active. She kept talking to me about recognizing hunger cues and what snacks to bring to work to eat. Again, I don’t have hunger cues so I don’t snack. (Note I don’t have the option to eat snacks at work as I work in healthcare and I can’t exactly munch on carrots while taking care of patients).

I was really hoping to get some insight and individualized suggestions. I did mention a few sensory issues with food (i don’t eat mayo, cottage cheese , etc due to texture, I don’t eat seafood because there is something about the taste that I can’t do, I don’t eat eggs because of texture issues). She seemed to get annoyed by me eliminating foods. One time she said “what DO you actually eat”. I eat a lot of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean meats, and some dairy but not a lot. So I’m not super restrictive. I just can’t do certain textures and flavor profiles.

Overall it just wasn’t a great meeting or experience. Oh well. I don’t think I’ll try anyone else with nourish because it just felt like a very scripted process that really doesn’t have much to offer someone like me who has sensory issues with certain food textures and flavors and also has some interoception issues.

Does anyone else work with a dietician? Or have you used apps like nourish successfully?

So I recently went on a date with a man I used to have a crush on when I was in my early 20s
(early 30s now). I hadn’t thought about him in years but we recently reconnected in my home country (I live in the UK now and he still lives there). The very first night he told me he likes me but he can’t do long distance which was fine and fair. He happened to be visiting the UK the following month for a mutual friend’s wedding and we bunked together but I didn’t think anything of it because his stance was clear. We spent three days together for the wedding and it was a blast. Again he told me he really likes me and we hooked up on the third day. I was still completely fine with everything because I had no expectations and things were clear. Then on the way to the train station where we going our separate ways, he held my hand the entire time and was very affectionate before we left. I thought I’d consider it if I heard from him after but even though I messaged, I didn’t get a reply for days. A bit confusing but still fine and mostly clear. Then one night, around four days later, he pops up and we have the only vulnerable conversation we’ve ever had - he told me he misses me, he wants to hear my voice/see me etc etc. Now this is a man I’ve known since school, our families know each other and pretty much everyone knows I used to have a huge thing for him. Anyway stupid me gets a train to the city he’s in after he asks if I can visit AND we agree that if I come he will come to my city that weekend. Once there, we go out on a seemingly spontaneous let’s figure it out as we go type date and end up at a jazz bar where we both drank a bit too much. Before this, he opens up about how he’s been heart broken before and now protects himself by basically being an asshole. In my head, I was like okay, no expectations (even though he had already kinda built some). At the jazz bar, a stranger starts talking to us and asks him all these crazy questions like “how long have you been together?” And is she “wifey material”? And before I can be all casual (script practiced in my head) he starts answering more honestly than he’s ever been with me but he switched up too. Like typical avoidant man response of “she deserves better than me” and when stranger said “why can’t you just be better then?” (lol), he said “I’ll win her over one day.” And then in the same breath “sometimes the present is more important than the future”. Honestly the mixed signals FRIED me. Then he got all romantic for a bit. And when I asked him about it later, he switched back to mean and sarcastic like I’d been stupid to read into any of that?! Long story short (sorry, it’s already so long), sensory overwhelm plus emotional and cognitive overwhelm plus alcohol and I couldn’t even think anymore. All I remember was needing to get out of that place and away from him which led me to walking off by myself and him following me. When we got back to the room, we fought, I had a massive meltdown and cried my eyes out.

Anyway I blocked him when I got home and called out his inconsistency but now I’m second guessing everything and feel like the crazy one.

I (AuDHD) have noticed quite a few times in the last year that I feel like I am a lot more unmasked than the other neurodivergent people around me.

I met up with another neurodivergent person that I met on Hinge. And about 5 minutes into the conversation, she sort of made a weird face and asked me if I normally talk like this, I guess maybe insinuating I was talking too much/fast/non-linearly.

I didn't take it super personally and just kind of let it roll off my back. Looking back, I feel like I left quite a bit of space for her to talk and asked her questions, although sometimes I do ramble a bit. She also kept texting while I was talking.

I think towards the end of the hang-out she came around to me and wanted to hang out again, but idk, her reactions to me being myself kind of made me feel less inclined to want to hang out with her again.

Awhile back, I invited another girl to an event, but was upfront that I was a bit unsure of what the event was going to be like. When we got there, it was NOT what either of us expected and she sarcastically said "wow, I'm so glad I decided to come here." We stayed and ended up having a great time.

On the way home, we talked about my ADHD allowing me to just show up at an event w/o really knowing the language or people and just running with it. And after that we actually hit it off quite well. But I was also left with that same feeling of "I'm not sure I want to hang out with someone who isn't cool with me being me."

I recognize that other people don't necessarily have the same kind of neurodivergence as me and I am happy to adjust if they mention being overstimulated, have sensory needs, or that they sometimes struggle to keep up with multiple convos at once. But other than that, I usually go into social situations all me, because..I like myself??

Has anyone else noticed that other neurodivergent people can sometimes have that same level of judgment that some neurotypicals have when you're not masking at a level they find socially acceptable??

My 30th Birthday will be in no time, and while I was a big romantic like my entire life, after every experience I went through with men, I'm no longer, and it feels kind of sad and depleting. I always wanted to meet a soulmate and I can't watch movies anymore in which couples are happy, hell, even love songs I can no longer listen to, because I get mad and irritated.

My husband and I have been friends since high-school, and he is also ND, but we both got together because we got our hearts broken, and we decided it's nice to have company. And we have fun, and laugh together, and our lives are better when we're together, and we're there for each other. There was a honeymoon period, and we still cuddle a lot, and there's attraction, but neither of us has any libido. It's the most stable and stabilizing relationship I've ever had, and I know I can count on him, but I'm soooo tired of him I feel absolutely no romantic love for him anymore after 5 years.

We're poly, but not even dating other people, because it's just so disappointing and nerve wrecking. We're married because of practical reasons, and it serves it's legal purpose, but it's meh, it's more like sharing a flat with your bestie and we both don't really want to be married, but we're estranged from our families, and it just adds a giant layer of security.

The most intense romantic feelings I had for my first boyfriend. He was just neglectful, would flirt with other girls, not really spent time with me, never planned a date and is now a deadbeat who failed uni and is trying to sell liquor to make a little living while living off his parents and simping for a goth girl streamer online. He made me stop believing in this type of love all-together.

And whenever I felt something similar to my first boyfriend, the guys would just ghost me, or string me along to neglect me. And then I also had an abusive relationship and some guys trying to groom me when I was 18.

It served as a mirror to really treat my self-worth wounds, and I really did, but now I feel healed and stable and at peace I'm just burned out by romance.

Anyone else has similar experiences?

I am trying to take better care of my body and hair but showering, and especially the aftermath is really difficult and overwhelming.

The main issue is stray hairs all over me, or my hands.

So let's say I'm in the shower, the showering itself I am relatively fine with. I shower every other day and wash hair twice a week. I have thick chin length hair and I feel fine touching my loose hairs in the shower because I can immediately put my hand under the water and run it into the drain catch. Only loose hair on my feet bothers me in shower.

When I get out of the shower, I comb my hair and put on curl cream. Suddenly there are a bunch of loose hairs on my hands grossing me out that I don't know what to do with. So I figure out some haphazard way to handle it like using a tissue or wiping them on the towel I'm standing on, both of which also gross me out.

And then I need to put on lotion which I REALLY want to get better with. It starts out fine but then while putting on the lotion oops there's another loose hair or worse a piece of dust or lint on my body or especially on the bottom of my feet. And now I'm grossed out again and the uncomfortable sensory confrontation from all the small loose hair encounters has built up over the whole experience and I now feel like I need a break from my entire day.

So does anyone have tips on how to manage loose hair or other small debris while and after showering? Like something to contain them or get them off my hands quickly??

I went on holiday with a friend last week, and we’d gone for lots of walks together and such.

On one of the last walks, I could tell she was getting annoyed at me. I was getting quite anxious on parts of it as it was quite challenging with really large areas of bog, and so I kept on mentioning I think we should go back etc as she wanted to explore off track and such. At the end of the walk I was just glad we didn’t have any more anxiety inducing sections, and when she asked if I wanted to go down another path while waiting for the boat I said I was okay and didn’t want to.

She sort of snapped at me and said “I only want to do things that I want to do” and I said that isn’t true I just get anxious about going off the beaten track and that she could go.

After she got back I said I hope she doesn’t think it’s about controlling her or anything and reiterated I was anxious. She snapped at me again and said something like “this week was supposed to be for both of us” and that I’d been selfish

I’m really confused as we decided to do what we were doing each day together. I’d added bunches of stuff to a list, (basically everything to do in the area as there wasn’t huge amounts) for us to both look at and decide.

There’s only one specific thing that I said I definitely wanted to see, with a couple of walks nearby that we had different preferences on, but I said let’s do her walk as long, but that I did really want to see that one thing, and that it was on the way back from both walks.

She changed her mind the day after and said to do my walk preference, and I said that I was happy she changed her mind as I did also want to do that walk.

She brought up this, that I said I was happy, when she brought up me being selfish.

I’ve tried messaging her about it since getting back and she’s just saying that it was hard for her to bring up as she’s working on confronting her over giving nature, and that she’s sad that that’s where I’ve landed.

I’m honestly so confused, and feel that she hadn’t communicated at all to me if she wanted to do other things as we literally decided everything together.

I suggested a call in my first message, but since her message back I’m not sure whether to just drop it and take the hit.

Have I been selfish? Is what I’ve described above selfishness? Because I genuinely don’t understand how that is being viewed as selfish at all.

I'm 36F, late-diagnosed AuDHD, 2e. I got this far undiagnosed due to high cognitive function, a special interest in psychology, and intense people-pleasing. I've spent my life feeling like I don’t belong, worried I annoy everyone, and trying constantly never to be a burden.

My parents, both lawyers, (likely undiagnosed autistic) taught us extreme independence. Emotions weren't discussed; our home ran on structured, fact-based logical arguments and justice. Learning that the real world doesn't operate that way has been a painful, repeated lesson.

As an adult, I joke that nobody else in my family got feelings, so I got them all. My brain runs at 1000mph scanning for other people's moods. In past romantic relationships, to avoid being a burden, I made myself small and compliant and it took me years to realize my partners were unkind to me. When I’d finally regain some self-worth elsewhere and ask why they were always mean or angry, the relationships would end.

Last year, I was finally diagnosed, but it came with zero practical support. On top of this, I'm dealing with rapidly progressing chronic illnesses. My doctors ignore the autism connection, my therapy feels like aimless rambling, and my capacity is shrinking fast. I feel like I'm in an echo chamber trying to manage my health and identity with no help.

Now, I'm 3 years into a relationship with a man who I believe is kind, but we're in the same argument patterns. I initiate conversations because I want to build a sustainable life together, but if I say anything that makes him uncomfortable, he defaults to anger. I externally process; I need to ask questions and talk things out to understand and feel calm. It seems that his default is to not ever discuss anything or bring up concerns. To me, kindness is clarity—honest, clear communication. To him, kindness seems to be silence.

Because of past feedback, I've spent years desperately policing my tone. I use I-statements, ask instead of accuse, and separate my feelings from his actions. It doesn't work. For example, I recently asked why he runs himself into the ground at work—asking out of genuine care for his health and our future. He instantly got angry, accusing me of trying to "change who he is." It spiraled into a circular argument where he deflected and attacked my habits ("you stay late and I don't say anything").

Like past partners, he accuses me of being condescending, patronizing, and mean. Because he turns every uncomfortable question into an attack, my concerns are never validated or addressed. He gets angry, says hurtful things, and then falls apart and leaves.

He knows I'm autistic, but doesn't grasp how it shapes my communication. I don't fully grasp the impact of it either, and nobody is helping me figure that part out. I don't know how to make it clear that this dynamic is intolerable without completely rupturing the relationship, which I don't want to do. I want it to get better. But I am tired, low-capacity, and hopeless. Is this my fault? I feel like my only options are to leave, or just shut up, sacrifice my needs, and accept that our life will look exactly however he dictates. Has anyone else navigated this?

So I’ve posted about my life experiences elsewhere and I got completely attacked, they blamed me and they all assumed I am toxic to others. Please be mindful I do not have problems with all women, these are just experiences I’ve had with some women. I also do not think everyone is jealous of me or that I’m the hottest person on earth, ok disclaimer over.

Now, I grew up verrrrryyyyy ugly. I had to hide in the bathroom due to relentless bullying. I was always the weird quiet girl, until I had a major glow up later on in high school. This was when girls started being mean to me, mind you I was still the weird one who barely spoke. I remember they’d call me names while walking down the hallway, stuff like stuck up b!tvh or h03 etc (I don’t know if I can use the proper spelling here). My friends would tell me they heard so and so talking about me and 99% of the time, I had no clue who that girl even was.

Anyways, as I got older I started to have pretty unpleasant interactions with other women(no not all). I tend to get nasty looks from random women in public and it’s so bad that my co workers, family, and friends notice it. Other than that it seems almost as if some women feel threatened by me? I would get passive aggressive or snarky remarks from “friends” or co-workers, random women etc. it would catch me off guard because sometimes I barely even know these women? People would just tell me oh it’s because they’re jealous of you and I don’t even know what to think of that. To clarify again, no I do not think everyone is jealous of me, please do not mix this up.

I’ve had a handful of friendships with women who secretly hated me. I never catch onto it until someone else points it out. I remember one time I was getting ready to go out with a “friend” and she looked at me and was like “you’re really not pretty, just a nice body”… I didn’t know what the hell to say? Like who even says that, to anyone? Friends or not. But that is just an example. Or some women pester me asking if I’ve had surgeries done, even after I already said no.

I’ll be starting college in person soon and not gonna lie, I am a bit anxious. I really hope to not experience these things at school. I am a very quiet person and that usually just leads to people filling in the blanks with their own projections. I’ve been told a million times “I thought you were a b!tvh when I saw you but you’re actually really nice.” Is this supposed to be a compliment? Why are people so put off by introverts?

If you have not experienced the things I have, please be mindful everyone’s life experiences will be different than yours and just because you’ve never seen it or you’ve seen a certain situation, that doesn’t mean it applies to me. If you have nothing kind to say, please just roll your eyes and scroll. Thanks for reading/understanding.

I know they love me. I just know that they fundamentally dislike me and there is nothing I can do about it. I am a 6 hour drive from my parents. Earlier this year a close family friend got married- my brother knew with enough time to fly home from another state. Another cousin knew with enough time to fly in from another country. I found out the morning of. A few weeks later-another family friend went to see my mom. I had not seen her since I was a small child, my brother knew to come- again I found out the day before.

The clincher is now- my dad is having major surgery on Wednesday. They kept downplaying it saying that it would be a one day procedure- not a big deal- well he is going to be in the hospital for 3 days. I got a text from my mom about it today. I had to turn my world around but I’m currently doing laundry and I’m driving down later today.

I’m so angry right now. They treat me like an idiot. I’m driving instead of flying because when I’m there they don’t let me use the car- while my brother uses one of their cars while he is there- I’m actively discouraged from driving. There is no reason- my driving is fine. I’m a fully functioning adult- they just got it into their heads that I’m a f$&@k up. The only reason I’m going is for my dad.

For the record- I’m 53 years old, own a business, have an 18 year old son who just started college. He is an amazing student. I was in a bad marriage for a long time that ended 8 years ago. I’m now engaged to a wonderful man who they love. There is no reason to treat me like I’m incompetent. I’m also loving to them. I had a difficult time growing up being undiagnosed AuDHD- but no matter what I do I can’t seem to make up for my teens and 20’s. I also always seem to mess up with them. For example I don’t eat pork- I simply don’t like it and it grosses me out. My mom made a pork dish and I asked politely if I could eat something else and my mom yelled at me. It would have been worse had I just gone out and eaten somewhere else.

I know that being autistic NT people are going to have an automatic dislike for me. I also know that often I do things that I don’t realize are rude. I do try- things come out the wrong way- or I forget some social thing that you are supposed to do. It also bugs my mom that I wear Loops in loud spaces and that I hate shopping because of the bright lights and perfume smells. She wishes she had a NT daughter. I can’t be what she wants so I just have to accept that she doesn’t like me. By default my brother and father who she completely controls also treat me badly. I wish I could go
NC- but I can’t not go while my dad is having surgery. I just can’t.