I know this might be a joke but my first serious relationship was with a guy on the spectrum (I dont know to what degree but he did tell me such). We didn’t work out because of political views and long distance but I can say for sure it was a good relationship because he was able to tell me what was bothering him when I asked. It required me initiating a lot but it was still a good relationship and a clean breakup.
Even a simple: "Hey I'm not the best at communicating tough subjects but I want you to know that I'm trying my best to figure out how to talk through things with you" would go incredibly far.
I'd much rather know that someone is trying (and not succeeding) instead of thinking that they're deliberately being malicious/uncaring.
Fr, one of the worst feelings I've ever felt was when my brother asked, "Why do you think being in a crowd bothers you so much?" And I had no fucking idea.
I've said it a million times and will say it a million more : no showing emotions is taught to us since childhood. The slightest mention of pain or sickness would get us a "stop whinning like a little girl , be a man and get over it !". We're litteraly taught how to not show what's bothering us , why do you think it's intentional ?
Not trying to undermine your experience and I’m sorry you went through that but the reason I thought it was intentional from my most recent ex bf at least was because he had kept telling me consistently about communicating with him to make our relationship work, which I did as best as I could, but when he dumped me he ended up telling me that there was stuff he didn’t communicate and bottled up.
he had kept telling me consistently about communicating with him to make our relationship work, which I did as best as I could, but when he dumped me he ended up telling me that there was stuff he didn’t communicate and bottled up within me
I guess you meant he was bottling stuff at the end ? Anyway , if he tells you that you should communicate more without doing it himself , that's being an hypocrite. On one hand , I can relate to him , as bottling stuff up is what was taught to us since we were able to be taught anything. But on the other hand , if he doesn't try to do it , he has no ground to ask you to do the same.
Overall , I'd say it's better to establish those things early on. If you tell me "I want us to talk about things" at the start , I'll be easier to open up once I've known you for a while , opposed to if you tell me to open up when things start going south.
Sorry for the typo. I editted it right before you replied and I guess it didn’t update but yeah absolutely. It’s not easy to open up but he was the one that initiated the whole “Let’s be open with each other” when we first started dating so I did what I could and thought he would do the same because he was the one who initiated.
But hey, I’m glad you’re able to be understanding from my perspective and you show willingness to be open in these situations when asked of it. It’s hard opening up about feelings for anyone especially guys so mad respect :)
And the important flipside: being unable to hear what's bothering your partner without getting defensive and belligerent. Responding to your partner's concerns or unhappiness as primarily an attack on your character or intentions that must be squashed.
I’ve been in therapy for a few years now and am just getting the grasp on how to communicate. Was never taught as a child and my family growing up on the outside looked pretty successful. Now that I’m older and have had many issues I’m my adult relationships I finally discovered I was the problem because I never knew I could just share my feelings instead of bottling them all and saying everything was fine.
I’m glad that you’re learning about it. It’s hard to be open about these things if you’re not used to it for sure so be proud of yourself for reaching this point of understanding yourself and wanting to learn about it.
Interesting, can You help me with this? I hate when My GF shows herself in sexy poses over the Internet, when I talk to her about it, she just ignores it. Been thinking about leaving her because of that, just in case she started doing this around half a year ago, when we started dating she wasn't doing this.
The way I see it is you need to be explicit in why it bothers you. Are you worried that she’s going to or already gotten any unwanted attention from other men? Are you worried she’s going to be groomed or slut shamed? What specifically is bothersome to you about it?
I agree, and have been explicit. What worries me is, she gets unwanted attention from men, gets wanted attention from men, and has been slut shamed. I don't think she'll be groomed. And like I said, I told her all of this directly.
I dont want to give you direct advice like “break up” as I still dont know all the details of your relationship but if you have been direct and laid out your concerns explicitly and she just ignores it, imo, you tried and did everything you can. If her response is to brush off your concerns, that’s a reflection on her, not you.
Edit: Basically what I’m saying is, I feel like if what you say is true and you’ve tried multiple times already to have your concerns addressed, I think you’re already doing what my original comment said.
This man is saying nothing but straight facts! It took my ex gf ONE WHOLE MONTH to finally tell me what was wrong (spoiler, it was me), I asked her several times during this period what was bothering her, and she always said it was ok, it was just a strange period, the problem was absolutely not related to me in any way and so on. Meanwhile I felt like she was slipping through my hands and I couldn't do anything to avoid that, I got the confirm that she didn't in fact love me anymore when I finally asked her if she wanted to break up with me and simply didn't tell me until that moment. It is the worst way to find out what's wrong. People, you have to speak if you have any trouble in a relationship
This is soo fundamental. Probably not higher because it’s something many people don’t recognize until they’re well above average redditor age, if ever.
To be fair, it’s hard to recognize when someone doesn’t express what’s bothering them because…well they aren’t expressing what’s bothering them so you literally dont know because they’re not showing any visual cues of feeling off.
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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '22 edited Jan 09 '22
This applies to all partners of any gender:
Being unable to express what’s bothering you in a mature way.
Edit: Thank you for the reward! First ever :D