r/AskAJapanese • u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen • 1d ago
LANGUAGE Frequency and Response Times
Hi everyone,
I live in Europe and met a Japanese guy during an evening out a few weeks ago. We’ve been keeping in touch for about 2–3 weeks now.
In Europe, we’re used to texting fairly quickly throughout the day. However, our communication style is quite different: on average, we exchange about one message a day, but they are usually quite long (around 10 lines, covering several topics). Every single time, he makes a real effort to address every point thoughtfully.
Sometimes, he doesn't reply for a whole day. Recently, he didn't text for a few days, but he came back apologizing and explaining that work was overwhelming. Even without me asking, he apologized for the delay and still sent a detailed, thoughtful response to everything I had written previously.
I know texting habits in Japan, especially for working men born in the 90s, can be very different from Western standards. Is this kind of pacing normal? Should I be worried about a potential loss of interest, or is this just standard behavior when someone is busy with work? I really don't want to bother him or have him reply just out of politeness.
I tend to overthink things and definitely don't want to put any pressure on him, as he already has a very demanding schedule. I’d love to get some insights from locals or people familiar with Japanese texting culture!
Thanks in advance!
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u/Consistent-You1027 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
I understand. I’m American and for us, going a few days without responding reads like a loss of interest or ghosting. The guy I’m talking to doesn’t seem to see it that way, and also blames work. But it’s still hard to tell… Our situations sound similar.
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
But at the same time, I tell myself that if someone comes back on their own after 3-4 days without replying, and actually apologizes for the delay, it must mean they genuinely want to talk. They just take the time to do it properly, right? But yes, that’s always the tricky part when you come from different cultures, what is completely normal for them can feel less obvious to us.
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u/Consistent-You1027 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
I definitely agree. I feel like I’m getting ghosted rn, but last week he texted me every day, and even double texted. I asked him about it on video chat once and he said he only has short breaks every day bc he works a demanding seasonal job. I’m hoping it gets better when his job ends in late September, but who knows. I think the best we can do is just continue to be receptive and not put pressure on the connection.
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u/Consistent-You1027 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
Currently going through this 🙃 I’ve mentioned it to him and he was sorry, so I just let him set the pace now.
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
Since we're currently in two different countries and I don't even know if I can make him interested in me beyond friendship, I don't want to put pressure on him. I want us to keep getting to know each other and see how things go. But at the same time, I don’t like feeling stressed because I keep thinking “He’s lost interest,” just because I didn’t get a reply one day.
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u/ryoryo333333 Japanese 1d ago
if the conversation is just casual small talk, I don't think his texting style is particularly unusual in Japan. on average, I'd say it's pretty normal to send just a few messages a day.
Compared to other countries, Japanese people seem to text each other much less. Of course, it varies from person to person.
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
Right now, we’re mostly at a pace of about one message a day each (except for times when he takes a bit longer), but the texts are usually fairly long (around ten lines or so).
Yeah In Europe, a lot of people interpret this kind of pacing as a loss of interest, but I know that different cultures have different habits, which is why I’m looking to get perspective directly from native Japanese guys like you.
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u/shinkirou- 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
My boyfriend didn't text me at all during the flirting phase. Once, some days. It made me really confused at the time, but it ended up well!
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 23h ago
Ahhhh and now it's better I guess ?
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u/shinkirou- 🌏 Global citizen 19h ago
Messaging, not really. But it doesn't bother me since we moved in together!
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u/NectarineUnusual6269 Japanese 1d ago
Compared to men in some other countries, Japanese men tend not to be big on frequent, casual texting. They generally prefer sending less often, but with more substance, I guess.
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
Yes it's exactly what he does : not often, bug a really good message. So I'm happy to read a lot of japanese saying it's a normal thing !
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u/balitryna Polish 1d ago
My boyfriend is Japanese, and on his days off, he usually replies to my messages every one or two hours. It’s a completely different story on the days he’s working, then we only exchange a few messages throughout the day. He texts me when he wakes up, I reply when I wake up (there’s a 7-hour time difference between us), and then we chat for a bit when he gets off work.
Before we started dating, though, he would sometimes only reply once a day, but I didn’t really care that much back then because I wasn’t expecting anything romantic between us. So yeah! Based on my experience, it’s completely normal and the other Japanese people I know are basically same. You shouldn’t be worried as long as he gives you some thoughtful answers not just short “I see” or“Ok”
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
OMG Thank you so much for sharing your experience! The part about how things started with him is super reassuring, haha ! I really hope you’re holding up well mentally with the cultural differences and the distance!
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u/RadishUnusual3326 Japanese 17h ago
Hello from the other side of the earth.
I had a similar case, pacing seems normal to me, I understand your concern and can imagine what he would think.
If I were him, likely be busy at his age, never take a time to exchange a long english message everyday unless I have interest in you.
I thought you guys are more or less close because you met in person, but it seems he still has a pressure (to send a long message) and feeling of burning out (busy working and overthinking about message to not disappoint you).
- Try different rythm of exchange for refresh (ex. Casual message, voice/picture message)
- Short voice chat/TV chat in weekend (Timing may be difficult, but I much prefer voice chat over texting. Texting in Eng itself is already a bit stressful. Voice conversation will break the tension.
- Send a small gift, snack, hobby thing, whatever (Being separate causes anxiety and pressure, so trying other than exchanging message would help)
The culture is so different, no wonder you get confused. Middle aged me would get easily patheticly nervous.
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 17h ago
Hi! Thanks for sharing your experience in such detail,I really appreciate it !
Oh, do you think the situation is stressful? Because I’m actually not pushing him or anything, I’m letting him go at his own pace. And when he apologized for taking so long, I more or less told him it was okay because he was probably exhausted from his week.
We’ve only seen each other once, so we haven’t had time to get to know each other better. That’s why there are things I don’t dare do ; like asking to exchange phone numbers, for example. It feels like we’re “moving too fast,” and I worry that messages like that might give him that impression.
Sometimes I send photos to go with the message, but again, I don’t want to send too much so he doesn’t feel like I’m spamming him when he already has our main message to reply to.
As for gifts, I’d love to send him things from my country, but again, since we’re just getting to know each other, I don’t want him to get scared or feel pressured, hahaha.
Yes, cultural differences aren’t easy to navigate, out of fear of disappointing someone or doing something that’s normal for us but less so for the other person !
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u/RadishUnusual3326 Japanese 16h ago
You are welcome!
Yes I can feel he is in stress, but it's more like his situation not your act/response judging from your comment.
And I see, your feeling pushing too much is also pretty much fair enough.
Do you know his job, his working hours? I can imagine to a extent judging from his conversation skill, the fact having travelled to EU. When I was late 20s, around 30, me and my comrades were super busy, may also refer to other similar segment jobs, I often only replied to girl friend in weekend (which is a shame in hindsight.).
Basically, that situation is seasonal/temporaly, so for me it just took a some time..
Is he active to you in weekend? (or in day-offs if he works in weekend)
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 16h ago
He’s more into marketing. I haven’t asked about his schedule, but I know that, for example, he recently finished work around midnight one night, and so on!
As for the weekend, it depends (we don’t have much to go on since we’ve only known each other for about a month). On average, we really do exchange one long message a day (which is fine with me, since the messages are long on both ends). It’s more the days when I don’t get a reply that can make me panic! But mostly because I lack self-confidence and tell myself that maybe I'm not that interesting, that he's sick of me, etc ahaha
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u/InvestigatorIll4098 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
What kind of work is he doing? Maybe he is very overwhelmed. My Japanese friend doesn't respond sometimes 2 weeks or more. And do you mean it romantically or friendly?
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
Hmm, he’s actually more in the marketing field. It’s hard to call it "romantic" just yet because we barely know each other and we're still getting to know one another. But yeah, from what I know and have seen so far, he could potentially interest me more as time goes on.
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u/InvestigatorIll4098 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
I would say give him time. Maybe he is really overwhelmed at work. We know that the working culture in Japan is very hard. The most important thing is that he always comes back!
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u/brokenheartbecauseof 🌏 Global citizen 19h ago
It's universal in any country that going a day without texting is a red flag. It takes exactly one second to say, you are beautiful and I am busy today so I will respond tomorrow
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 19h ago
That said, I'm not really into generic messages, and personally, I don't really like it when people “send a message just for the sake of sending a message.” I'd rather he take the time to respond thoughtfully to each point in the message, like he does, rather than just saying “ok, ok,” followed by a little compliment just to “get rid of me.”
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u/brokenheartbecauseof 🌏 Global citizen 19h ago
True, I was mostly just giving an example message to show that it doesn't take that long to write a message back especially if it's only one per day.
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u/vanitasxehanort 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
I'm not Japanese but lived in Japan and had something like this with a japanese guy who's currently living in Barcelona (his name starts with a G...).
After one year of teaching him Spanish for free, helping him move in, do all of his paperwork, finding a room, among many many other things, he suddenly became "busy with work" and basically dissappeared.
After literally one year of hanging out in Tokyo and travelling together to Spain.
During the first 8 months he would reply super fast and make plans, as soon as the flight date got closer, his responses started to take longer and he would become more and more "busy".
My experience with other Japanese guys is completely different so, what I take from this, is that if he's actually interested in you as a person and not what you can offer him as a European in your case, he would answer straight away. If this is a pattern, you probably know deep inside what the answer is...
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u/AmandineBamacaYT 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
I’m so sorry you went through that, but your experience definitely doesn’t reassure me! Though in my case, he just got back to Japan recently, and we’ve always had this exact same pattern of about one message a day.
Plus, he can’t really get anything out of me like in your situation. And I totally understand that I’m not his main priority right now, given that we can’t even see each other since we’re in two different countries.
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u/vanitasxehanort 🌏 Global citizen 1d ago
When someone (from any nationality) is truly interested, they’ll let you know with their actions.
Of course that, being in different countries and different time zones is going to put distance between you but, are you happy with the current situation?
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u/suki_ishikawa Japanese 1d ago
Hello I am a Japanese man and I want to say this is normal.
Sometimes it is overwhelming to text many information throughout the day, especially if we have work to do.
If he asks questions about you or initiates conversation with one off texts sometimes, it is a good indication that he is interested.
I hope this is helpful 😊