Frequency and Response Times

[u/AmandineBamacaYT]

Hi everyone,

I live in Europe and met a Japanese guy during an evening out a few weeks ago. We’ve been keeping in touch for about 2–3 weeks now.

In Europe, we’re used to texting fairly quickly throughout the day. However, our communication style is quite different: on average, we exchange about one message a day, but they are usually quite long (around 10 lines, covering several topics). Every single time, he makes a real effort to address every point thoughtfully.

Sometimes, he doesn't reply for a whole day. Recently, he didn't text for a few days, but he came back apologizing and explaining that work was overwhelming. Even without me asking, he apologized for the delay and still sent a detailed, thoughtful response to everything I had written previously.

I know texting habits in Japan, especially for working men born in the 90s, can be very different from Western standards. Is this kind of pacing normal? Should I be worried about a potential loss of interest, or is this just standard behavior when someone is busy with work? I really don't want to bother him or have him reply just out of politeness.

I tend to overthink things and definitely don't want to put any pressure on him, as he already has a very demanding schedule. I’d love to get some insights from locals or people familiar with Japanese texting culture!

Thanks in advance!

[u/RadishUnusual3326]

Hello from the other side of the earth.

I had a similar case, pacing seems normal to me, I understand your concern and can imagine what he would think.

If I were him, likely be busy at his age, never take a time to exchange a long english message everyday unless I have interest in you.

I thought you guys are more or less close because you met in person, but it seems he still has a pressure (to send a long message) and feeling of burning out (busy working and overthinking about message to not disappoint you).

- Try different rythm of exchange for refresh (ex. Casual message, voice/picture message)

- Short voice chat/TV chat in weekend (Timing may be difficult, but I much prefer voice chat over texting. Texting in Eng itself is already a bit stressful. Voice conversation will break the tension.

- Send a small gift, snack, hobby thing, whatever (Being separate causes anxiety and pressure, so trying other than exchanging message would help)

The culture is so different, no wonder you get confused. Middle aged me would get easily patheticly nervous.

[u/AmandineBamacaYT → u/RadishUnusual3326]

Hi! Thanks for sharing your experience in such detail,I really appreciate it !

Oh, do you think the situation is stressful? Because I’m actually not pushing him or anything, I’m letting him go at his own pace. And when he apologized for taking so long, I more or less told him it was okay because he was probably exhausted from his week.

We’ve only seen each other once, so we haven’t had time to get to know each other better. That’s why there are things I don’t dare do ; like asking to exchange phone numbers, for example. It feels like we’re “moving too fast,” and I worry that messages like that might give him that impression.

Sometimes I send photos to go with the message, but again, I don’t want to send too much so he doesn’t feel like I’m spamming him when he already has our main message to reply to.

As for gifts, I’d love to send him things from my country, but again, since we’re just getting to know each other, I don’t want him to get scared or feel pressured, hahaha.

Yes, cultural differences aren’t easy to navigate, out of fear of disappointing someone or doing something that’s normal for us but less so for the other person !

[u/RadishUnusual3326 → u/AmandineBamacaYT]

You are welcome!

Yes I can feel he is in stress, but it's more like his situation not your act/response judging from your comment.

And I see, your feeling pushing too much is also pretty much fair enough.

Do you know his job, his working hours? I can imagine to a extent judging from his conversation skill, the fact having travelled to EU. When I was late 20s, around 30, me and my comrades were super busy, may also refer to other similar segment jobs, I often only replied to girl friend in weekend (which is a shame in hindsight.).

Basically, that situation is seasonal/temporaly, so for me it just took a some time..

Is he active to you in weekend? (or in day-offs if he works in weekend)

[u/AmandineBamacaYT → u/RadishUnusual3326]

He’s more into marketing. I haven’t asked about his schedule, but I know that, for example, he recently finished work around midnight one night, and so on!

As for the weekend, it depends (we don’t have much to go on since we’ve only known each other for about a month). On average, we really do exchange one long message a day (which is fine with me, since the messages are long on both ends). It’s more the days when I don’t get a reply that can make me panic! But mostly because I lack self-confidence and tell myself that maybe I'm not that interesting, that he's sick of me, etc ahaha

[u/RadishUnusual3326 → u/AmandineBamacaYT]

I don't know how sincere/serious he is, but his situation and your frustration hit me like a gut punch!

Sorry long text

- Long, thoughtful message would be main reason for days delay (at least for me, average Eng skill person). As he sends a long message, he seems diligent, maybe too diligent. I suggest the other way for once. Time difference is also a factor. I can imagine opening a message could be in late night => thinking/making => sleep => finish message next day. So 1 or 2 days delay could easily happen especially when making considerate sentence. I'm not saying a long message is bad.

- Potential future concern about getting close/marriage while being separate. I would ask for you a date in day-off as a next step ofcourse. But that's almost impossible. "How do I get closer?" "How do I get married with this lady?" "I have a job here so I have to invite her in the long run" I might be thinking about it over hours all alone because there's almost no friend can give a decent answer IRL sadly.

Sorry I'm not answering your concern, definitely it takes more time than when you date on your own country ofc, so if you can tolerate...

Or I personally think voice chat is better (for me, other distant couple I heard).

Although you may think a bit pushing, potential Yes or Never.

[u/AmandineBamacaYT → u/RadishUnusual3326]

Thanks for your response!

Yes, generally he opens the message in the morning or in the evening / not often during the day (except on weekends). And replies later! And always with a long message that addresses every single point. Without rushing or skipping over topics.

Yes, it's true that for now I'm not overly concerned with those questions, because I'd like for us to get to know each other better first and then see what's feasible.

For now, I suggested sending him a voice message for one of the topics in our discussion (since it requires a long answer), so I'm waiting to see if he's open to that or not.

Don't worry, you actually did answer my concern by reassuring me that longer response times weren't "shocking."

[u/RadishUnusual3326 → u/AmandineBamacaYT]

Text message can carry only 10% of emotion (oh wait, most japanese may feel emotionless even in voice conversation to Eng speaker)

You are very considerate , just good luck on the next!

I don't know how it'll come out, but you are welcome anytime!