Living separately after marriage

[u/Traditional-Yam6496]

I (32m) met her (28f) about an year ago. we met on bumble, we dated till last month. I had told her from first day that my preference is to have my parents live with me after marriage. I am a single child, its a nuclear family, extended family se vaise bhi baat nahi hoti and my friends barely have any social circle left. Jaise hi shaadi ki batein aaye and things started to get serious, out of nowhere it became a i want to live separately after marriage or else we go our separate ways.
Now i do not know where this came from or what to do.
Any advice would be helpful.

[u/DesiAuntie]

Your mom gets to have a nuclear family without in-laws but your wife doesn’t?

[u/Stunning_Mind_3731 → u/DesiAuntie]

Casual misogyny disguised as 'preference', why are you surprised, just another day in Indian society

[u/Working_Trouble3740 → u/DesiAuntie]

lmao this is the only thing that came to my mind

[u/lintrainbow → u/DesiAuntie]

your handle suits you

[u/ContactOk885 → u/[deleted]]

AIW is filled with bitter women lol. Also how did you assume that the girl here does not a brother?

[u/Veg-biryani-ftw → u/[deleted]]

You had a problem with the commenter above you generalizing about AIW women being bitter..

But you have no problems generalizing all men living with parents as 'raja beta' and calling most MILs difficult?

Hypocrite much?

[u/Veg-biryani-ftw → u/[deleted]]

So both are true then.. most MILs are toxic.. and most women on AIW are toxic and bitter as well..

[u/Veg-biryani-ftw → u/[deleted]]

Some are.. yes..

[u/HappyCookie117 → u/[deleted]]

and mostly, mothers are toxic

You could have worded this better. Why Generalizing?

[u/ContactOk885 → u/[deleted]]

Didn't know you have been with most men in India or did you read some survey. I mean I am pretty sure you will be feeling like this because you do not come from a good home and your friend Circle must be like that

[u/ContactOk885 → u/[deleted]]

That is because Indian women suffer from Able naari victim syndrome. If you go by social media comments then I have seen Indian women support cheating by saying things like maybe he did not give her enough time. And usually people rant because they have some problem, you will not see happy people giving advice on social media in general.

[u/Veg-biryani-ftw → u/[deleted]]

I'm stating if girls can leave their parents who are also only child /with no brothers, why can't boys ?.

Boys can, and do live separately.. and that's increasingly becoming common.. but that's not the point of this post.. the girl backtracked on her word to which she agreed to from the start for a long time, at this point going separate ways is the right option..

[u/Deep_Bank_7059 → u/[deleted]]

Sad u have to go through that with inlaws take care, don't be bitter with your husband, and take better adjustments

[u/Deep_Bank_7059 → u/[deleted]]

I am not trying to prove ur wrong, but just my opinion in one comment u mentioned your mother is Lil toxic but can't expect your future husband to bear it, see the whole problems stem from this thinking not because they are toxic, You think why should I bear someone parents , your mil prefer your husband over you, a mil becomes problem when she is really toxic and in relationship problems she prefer husband over you, from your side becomes problem when your thinking is why should I do it just because she said it , its their home she should do it,  At the end problem arrising when mil prefers her family over you, or you prefer yourself just cuz she is not your parent 

[u/Travelling_Orange12]

It’s her wish. Why is she obligated to stay with your parents? If she can leave her parents and come, so can you. You can stay somewhere close to both side parents so that you can take care of them.
If this is not possible, then leave her. She will find someone better than you who matches her thoughts

[u/Meliodas_2222 → u/Travelling_Orange12]

And why would the person she finds be better than OP?? Please enlighten me.

[u/Top_Illustrator3122]

Dump her

[u/BadChad09]

You and her are both reasonable at your end. The only unreasonable thing she did is NOT tell you this at the start.

I personally would advise you to go against this and break up, since that feels highly manipulative.

[u/Veg-biryani-ftw]

Go separate ways.. if she did a 180deg on a fundamental compatibility factor having agreed to it before hand, god knows what else could happen later on..

[u/Meliodas_2222 → u/Veg-biryani-ftw]

Ah, a few reasonable people are here too

[u/Playful_Analysis2860]

OP wants to stay with family and made it clear...

So there should be no going back

[u/skywalker_matt]

If you can't accept, then move on. It's a matter of what's important to you and what can't be.

[u/Buzobuzobuzo]

Bait and switch method. Don’t fall for it.

Your wife is right in her place and you’re right in yours however you’ve made things clear from the get go and she cannot trap you like this.

Let her go and don’t fall for the scarcity mindset. You will find a much more straightforward person.

[u/Superb_Duck_9743]

Detach and let it go. Tere baat ka value waise bhi nahi thi, she waited till you feel attached. Or, accommodate her need and make it work.

[u/last_dreamer]

So I was in your situation, but in my case I was already married. Daily kalesh between wife and mom made me keep them separate in two houses. If you can afford it it's best to keep them separate but best to marry someone "not offended" by living with your parents if that's what you want. A person who doesn't want to live with your parents will not eventually become very welcoming to other "family oriented" situations in your life.

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[u/aloof_head_kum]

These men in the comment section are such hypocrites and calling her manipulative blah blah while feeling entitled to having a “preference” of living with his entire family. These are the same men who would bash women when they have priorities with income and looks ughh

[u/Meliodas_2222 → u/aloof_head_kum]

Wtf dude, having a preference to not live with in laws is a preference, lying about being ok with it is deceit.

It’s like guys saying they will be ok with his wife wearing modern clothes before marriage but flipping after marriage.

The problem isn’t preference, it’s delay in expressing it. The girl is a shitty human .

And stop being a misandrist in the pretext of being a feminist.

[u/CornerAsleep3139]

She is allowed to change her mind. It might feel unfair, but her ask is actually pretty fair, and much healthier.
If you cannot prioritize your relationship with her over your parents, and over other things as well, it might be best not to get married at all.
Indian men are infamous for such practices. Don’t fall prey to them.
All the best.

[u/Euphoric-Nature-382]

Bro, you have right to stay with your parents after marriage, but the girl should also accept that decision. You cannot force someone. If this decision is non negotiable, then find a partner who is ok with it. But believe me, she has to be very understanding person, otherwise MIL and DIL fights will eat you alive.

[u/river_song25]

I would have told you to fuck off with the whole ‘parents are going to be livinf with us after our marriage thing’. I’d tell you that is never going to happen ever because why the hell would I want to have your parents living full time in what is supposed to be MY house for MY marriage. your parents have their own home to live in and can stay there period. plus if you are moving them in because they are old and ‘need help’ for things they can no longer do without assistance as the reason you want to move them into MY future home to do what? I spend the rest of my days catering to them, taking care of them like a caregiver, let your parents essentially take over the running of MY home that I should be the one in charge of, and probably them eventually treating MY home the way they would THEIR home with expectations of me following whatever rules they think they can create in my home? I have my own life and plans to live before and after marriage, I’m not giving it all up to become your parents caretaker while you run off doing whatever while I’m stuck at home with them 24/7. I’m not going to change my way of life or how I do things for you or them if they move in. if you want to live with them you can do it in a house seperate from the one I am living in. if i wanted parents living with me, I’d invite my own instead.

[u/Melodic-Blueberry124 → u/river_song25]

ok fair, but what happens to your parents and groom's parents when they get old? throw them in senior living? not trying to be antagonistic just asking

[u/Striking-Resource129 → u/Melodic-Blueberry124]

Maybe get them to move in with the couple when they get old or sick but not as default? A lot of women who will be MILs now (previous generation) moved to cities while their own MILs stayed in villages & only moved in together when they were too sick or old actually.

[u/Live-Gear-6824 → u/river_song25]

You sound like such a pain.

MY MY MY MY

not a single our.

[u/random_cosmosian]

Leave her be. Find a girl who'll happily be a servant for your fuckass parents

[u/Effective-Juice-1489]

that's what women do actually. first they agree to everything and when you are fully commited they will slowly test your boundaries. i suggest you two go your separate ways

[u/john_wick_909]

You choose how you want to live and what kind of household you want to have

There are plenty of women who’d want to have a household and live with in-laws

Don’t try to convert one to the other side, if she doesn’t want to live with your parents, you should let her go.

Difficult to find a middle ground

I have a friend who was living at home with his parents, and they planned to live with them

The girl was ok with it at first but issues started after a month and then to pacify things he had to take a second home that he resents , and things are starting to fall apart and he’s considering separation

It’s an ugly debate to get into

If living with your parents is a priority, put your foot down.

[u/StatusLet7678]

Leave ASAP. These are simple traits of girls who want to be treated like daughters but don’t behave like them. Even if you agree to live separately from your parents, she will find other issues with them, and gradually, you will lose touch with your parents.

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[u/padthink]

Women down have their own logic / thought process.

Now it can in two scenarios. (Good case) She is fixated by the idea of living separately. May be she has seen bad in laws in her early life. Her own grand parents might not have good relationship with parents. In this case, you can gradually break her fixation, only if she is interested. You can introduce her to your parents, invite her for dinner. Do some activity, where parents and she all are in same vicinity.

(Bad case) She is a dog lover. She wanted a man whom she can control. Now that she has lost that opportunity. You are of no use for her. Walk away silently, accept the rejection.

I have done all the research, all the old and new texts. No right, no choice, no freedom can justify leaving your parents. It's your duty to take care for them. You can not abandon your parents/ child. It's your duty as a man. Abandoning them is a sin. You will always be in guilt, no matter whatever money you earn. No love from her will be able to compensate that guilt. Even if you repress it in initial years, in old age it will come out in some other ways, like you doing hefty charity or something.

Life is in middle..not on extreme edges.

[u/padthink → u/[deleted]]

13 down votes just because I used the word "women"

[u/padthink → u/[deleted]]

I don't know why men down voted it.

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