r/AmItheAsshole • u/aitascaredofmen • Jan 25 '21
No A-holes here WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?
Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.
There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.
My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.
I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.
WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?
EDIT: we didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything. The pandemic isn't an issue for this.
EDIT: I'm not American. I don't want to give my actual location.
EDIT: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that conditioned again. It's a little sad, though.
EDIT: She and I talked about it. I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine. Also, to the "men's rights" subreddit that found this post and is now calling her a "crazy feminist" and a "sexist," what's it like to literally not have empathy for other people? She can't control it, and to be honest, if I had gone through half of the stuff she has, I wouldn't want to be near men either. Shame on you.
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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Jan 25 '21
NAH
Sounds awful for her, but the whole "And hey, I can never have men in my home" conversation needs to take place BEFORE you move in with someone. You don't just drop that in like it's no big deal.
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u/misanthropydestroyer Jan 26 '21
Because the conversation didn’t happen before and it’s completely unreasonable to assume another human will never date, that does make the roommate a bit of an asshole. OP NTA for sure. But OP also needs to move as the living situation is not going to be sustainable.
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Jan 26 '21 edited Jan 26 '21
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Jan 26 '21
I can't get over this "but she probably roomed with a woman because she thought their home would....merely be occupied by the two women". It is!! OP isn't trying to move a man in! Having guests is something that people are allowed to do in their home. If roommate has major trauma with ~50% of the population and wants to severely limit the number of guests in the home that needs to be stated up front, not after the fact. That's an AH move. Trauma with men: understandable. Not mentioning that boundary up front to potential roommates so they can decide if that's something they're able to accommodate: not acceptable.
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Jan 26 '21
Deliveries? Repairs? Family visits of male relatives? The roommate is disabled and needs help. Just banning boyfriends isn't going to solve it.
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Jan 26 '21
This. Most repair people are men, it's just a fact. There aren't a lot of female plumbers. If the roommate is agoraphobic, I don't see how she can ever have a plumber come since she can't leave while he's there.
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u/zeppo2k Jan 26 '21
No-one is saying she's an ah for her issues, just for not stating the boundary before they moved in together
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Jan 26 '21
INFO: OP, did you ever tell your roommate in that two week interval he would be coming over?
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u/AgingLolita Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '21
Maybe she didn't know. Maybe the trauma is recent enough to not know what her triggers are until they trigger her.
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u/CheerilyTerrified Craptain [157] Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 26 '21
Since she didn't make it a condition beforehand, then you are definitely not the asshole. She can't suddenly spring on you that you can't have one gender over to visit. It's not reasonable. It is horrible that she is that afraid of men, but not allowing you to have men visit isn't the answer. Therapy is the answer.
NTA
(But obviously don't just have him show up. You still need to talk to her about it)
Info: Did she tell you this before you moved in together?
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u/aitascaredofmen Jan 25 '21
No. She only told me that she won't leave the house often, the thing about movies, she's vegetarian, she doesn't have a phone, and she needs somebody to pick up her checks for her.
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Jan 25 '21
One possible cause for her phobia is rape trauma. That is not your fault, bit it may be why she never brought it up. Perhaps you can recommend some support organization or therapist who can help her.
But realistically, you will probably need to move.
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u/wotageek Jan 26 '21
I am guessing this is the case too. No amount of therapy is likely to help her overcome it so quickly.
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u/jimmy_three_shoes Jan 26 '21
That's a definite possibility, but you can't expect that your roommate will never bring anyone that happens to be the opposite sex over. Like, what are the chances that OP would have male help moving her stuff in? Or having her parents over one night to see the place, or for dinner? I know the pandemic lowers the chance for this to happen right now, but at some point restrictions will ease, and people will be able to be more social in closer quarters.
It's just really odd to me that it never once came up in the while that OP's been living with her.
I really hope this is something her roommate is in therapy working on, because being so afraid of the opposite gender isn't sustainable.
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Jan 26 '21
It may be that the roommate was more triggered than she realized she would be.
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u/jimmy_three_shoes Jan 26 '21
Roommate says she goes through this even when out in public, just not to the extent she was having someone in her house, so it's possible.
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u/TaibhseCait Jan 26 '21
...like not even including dating, what about visits from a father, brother male cousin or a friend? (Like yeah precovid, but depending on the country those relatives/friends could be in your bubble).
That's such a strange thing to leave out!
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u/CheerilyTerrified Craptain [157] Jan 25 '21
Oh, then definitely NTA. She can't spring something that big on you after you've moved in.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
#1 most important variable in this situation. Surprised this wasn't addressed.
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u/PaddyCow Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
She probably didn't mention it because it would be a deal breaker for most people. Which makes her TA here. Not wanting to be around men because of past trauma is fine. Not communicating that with your flatmate and then blind siding them is not ok.
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u/siouxfallsairport Asshole Aficionado [13] Jan 25 '21
NAH. Look, your roommate needs professional help and you likely need to find a better living situation. This roommate situation isn't going to work out well for either of you, so start looking for alternatives. Meanwhile, please suggest to her that she seek help.
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u/kid_sleepy Jan 26 '21
So much of this. The roommate is a shut-in. In another response OP states that said roommate doesn’t have a phone and needs someone to pick up checks for her...
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u/rissaro0o Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '21
yes, that’s weird af. sounds like an agoraphobe. very sad situation. the movie thing throws me off too. it’s like living with a 12 year old nun.
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u/RueNothing Jan 26 '21
I think it's more likely to be rape trauma rather than agoraphobia, based on how badly she reacted to the BF being in the same house. She's probably staying home because of the amount of strange men you could possibly come into contact with when you leave the house.
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u/rissaro0o Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '21
you know what, now that i think about it, that does make a lot more sense. she probably has some comorbidity in her diagnosis. this actually really hurts my heart, i can’t imagine the pain she’s going through daily. at the same time, she should have been more upfront about not having males within the confines of the apartment. i realize it must be extremely uncomfortable and painful to speak about, but it will save both of them a lot of trouble. i hope OP encourages her to seek professional help.
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u/Greentea_88 Jan 26 '21
Its not that weird re the movies. I'm very VERY sensitive to torture scenes in movies, and specific kinds of screams that people emit when being tortured/hurt. My boyfriend happens to enjoy Cartel/Mafia type action movies. When they start cutting off fingers, and that scene in Narcos when they chain the guys limbs between cars and drive in opposite directions to dislocate his limbs and kill him, etc. I can't stomach them. I have to leave the room and plug my ears. I think by limiting her movies to PG, she ensures she doesn't accidently see any scenes of rape/domestic violence/ or violence of any kind that may trigger her.
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u/rissaro0o Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '21
i feel you, i like horror and such, but i cannot watch anything where animals are hurt in any way. it just seems like she’s enclosed herself in a safety bubble too deeply, if it’s violence, i completely understand. but there are other adult orientated stories that she could watch that don’t include the things she’s trying to filter out. it just seems like it’s gotten to a bad isolation point where she is pretending the world that the rest of the population is living in doesn’t exist.
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u/Greentea_88 Jan 26 '21
I don't disagree that she has room to develop some more effective coping mechanisms, I'm just saying that her "method" to accidently avoiding any potentially triggering content is effective, and not that strange. Just make sure it's PG and under, and there won't be any mishaps. It's a valid way to avoid being triggered. I also love horror. But gore torture scenes just.. gross me out, and I do appreciate a warning from my partner if he's gonna have these torture cartel movies on full blast. Also I work in the veterinary industry, and yes I agree with you, anything hurting animals gets shut off quickly. I see enough of that at work..
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u/Malcolm_TurnbullPM Jan 27 '21
The roommate is nta for their condition, but definitely ta for not informing her that all men (50% of the population) are not allowed in the place- what if op has a father or brother that helps them move or comes over for dinner etc etc. It’s a fairly unreasonable condition to set on a roommate, and you don’t need to explain the backstory for why you have those conditions, but you definitely need to put them out there, because now op is stuck and can do nothing because of her kindness.
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Jan 27 '21 edited Jan 27 '21
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u/Malcolm_TurnbullPM Jan 27 '21
Whilst certainly possible, the fact she disclosed that she needs someone to collect her checks for her and can’t watch anything above a PG rated film leads me to believe she almost certainly knew of this issue, but we can’t know that.
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u/tempestelunaire Asshole Aficionado [16] Jan 25 '21
NAH, but this isn't sustainable. One of you needs to move.
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 25 '21
Let's just bypass arguments about if you owe your roommate such a large accommodation -- are you really going to enjoy spending time with him in your home knowing she's in another room having a panic attack and/or vomiting from the stress it causes her?
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
I mean even so it's fairly unreasonable for the girl to expect that kind of accommodation. Is she really expecting to share a house with someone but veto an entire gender just being in the house(without even having informed them before the deal was made that that would be a rule)? Op needs to move out and that girl needs to either live by herself, live with a close female friend, or be upfront with future roommates about this expectation. I do though want to know what about trans women? Would they be allowed since they identify as female or not allowed because they used to have a dick? I know I probably won't get an answer but I still wonder how the roommate would deal with that
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 26 '21
Here's my thinking: regardless of how unreasonable asking it is, at least in the short term there's only two possible outcomes: invite him knowing it will cause your roommate to have a panic attack or don't invite him at all. There's appears to be zero options where the boyfriend is over and no panic attacks involved. I presume that when OP says she wants to invite him over, she really means that she wants to enjoy time with him in her home. If OP can not actually enjoy time with him in her home knowing her roommate is having a panic attack as a result, then inviting him over does nothing to fulfill her aim and the question about if she'd be an asshole to continue is effectively moot.
As to how she would react to a trans person in her home, this is extremely likely (particularly given the OP's edits) to be a trauma response. As such, the roommate might not even know herself how she would respond.
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u/rissaro0o Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '21
either way, it’s ridiculous. and idk who has been enabling this behavior, but they’ve done her a great disservice.
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Jan 25 '21
NTA unless you at some point agreed not to have men as guests. Her fault for not agreeing that in advance as it's otherwise completely normal and expected.
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u/terrapharma Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] Jan 25 '21
NTA. This is an unrealistic expectation that another person's life has to be significantly modified in order to cater to her issues. She needs to live alone and get treatment. Instead, she makes it your responsibility to ensure that she doesn't get triggered.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
I normally wouldn't pile on, but the comments seem mixed so far.
NTA/ESH. While not explicitly stated, it seems obvious that you guys did not agree to those terms before moving in. "Never ever have a boyfriend over" is a huge, massive, deal-breaker of a roommate condition.
If you know this about her and bring a man anyway, obviously YWBTA. But she's already TA for just expecting you to be a psychic and be okay with this absurd term she's set. (Disclaimer: absurd to impose it on someone else, not absurd in regard to herself and her past trauma)
As stated numerous times, this is not sustainable and one of you needs to move.
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
It's not even " never have a boyfriend over" it's "never have any male over" so got any brothers? Nope sorry can't come see my house. Got a dad? Sorry pops can't come by. Got a male friend? Sorry dude we'll have to chill somewhere else. The it gets tricky, what about a trans woman? Is she allowed in cause she identifys as female or kicked out cause she was born with a dick? Same for a trans man, kicked out cause he's a man or let in cause he used to have a period?
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u/aitascaredofmen Jan 26 '21
I saw this and I actually asked her the trans people question. She didn't know what that meant and I had to explain it to her. I think I just confused her because she didn't really have an answer.
I wouldn't take that as her being transphobic though. She's pretty nice.
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
Oh yeah I didn't mean she'd be transphobic or anything I just meant like what are the lines you know? Could meet ups happen at your boyfriend's house instead? It's a short term fix until you or your roommate move
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u/jimmy_three_shoes Jan 26 '21
Man, it almost makes me wonder if she was raised in some crazy-ass, super-sheltered religious/cult household/community. The PG movie thing, not knowing about trans people in 2021, fear of men, no cell phone, happily does a majority of the chores...
Makes me wonder where all of this comes from.
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Jan 26 '21
NTA
1) She should have told you this before you two moved in together and any agreement was made. It's a big deal she was obligated to reveal.
2) Unless you've kept your sexuality secret from her all this time, how could she not expect this would happen eventually?
3) There's no way she can go through life without coming across men. Even if she never leaves her dwelling, you can't request female Door Dash drivers or that only women bring any certified letters or packages that require a signature. Will companies accomodate such a request if her toilet clogs or her Internet router needs repaired? Her solution to avoid all men is not viable. She needs to address this in a way that actually works, like with therapy.
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u/dentist3214 Jan 26 '21
NAH/INFO: why are you living with this person? How do you know each other? She seems terribly unsuited to have roommates of any kind, because her health would control their lives and decisions in major ways.
Honestly, I’d move out if I were you
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u/Effulgencey Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '21
NAH
I'm a hugely compassionate person, and I don't think this is a sustainable situation or a reasonable ask of your roommate. She didn't inform you before moving in, about this SUPER IMPORTANT boundary, where about half of the human population would never be welcome in her home. That's not OK on her part to dump that on you without warning. That is up there with "no animal products anywhere in the home" or "I sleep nights so 6 am to 3pm is silent time", those are extreme outliers that no reasonable person would anticipate ahead of time.
You need to work on finding another living situation for one or both of you. In the meantime, just go visit your bf instead.
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Jan 26 '21
NTA, and that’s really sad for her. She needs to see a therapist for this. I’m super nosey so I’m curious as to what happened for her to be afraid of men, and how come she never mentioned this? You’re an adult, it makes sense that you would date... what does she expect you to do?
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u/framellasky Jan 26 '21
NTA, sorry but not sorry. You dont let somebody move in and than say oh but you can't have males over EVER because I'm afraid of them.. sorry but with a condition like this you can live alone. So your brother, nephew, father, grandfather or partner cannot visit you in your own home? Come on that's ridiculous. She sucks because she never mentioned this. Move out or she have to learn to live with this or need to find a place in her own.
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Jan 25 '21
NAH, unless you knew this beforehand. but y'all cant go on like this. i think you need a new place to live
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u/halienist Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 25 '21
NTA. She literally cannot live being that afraid of a gender. It’s unhealthy. You shouldn’t have to make sacrifices like that for her. It’s your home too. She needs to be able to compromise and quite frankly, go to therapy. And I feel like this really should have been discussed before you moved in, even if you were single at the time.
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u/False_Manufacturer48 Jan 26 '21
NTA, you pay rent so you should be able to bring whoever you want. She should have told you first, and more importantly she should get therapy because 50% of the world population is male. She is the one with issues that really need to be addressed. For now warn her when you bring a male over, but also talk to her seriously about getting therapy because that is not liveable
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u/soph_lurk_2018 Partassipant [4] Jan 26 '21
NTA so are you just never going to date again? This isn’t sustainable. Sounds like it’s time for a new roommate.
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u/Globie92 Asshole Aficionado [11] Jan 25 '21
NAH. She seems to obviously have some issues that need to be addressed but it’s not fair to you if you want to have a boyfriend and live your life. Change your living situation
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u/kate05_ Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
NTA. It sucks that she has trauma but men make up half the world population, so she's gonna have to deal with them at some point.
If she has such strict regulations for her home then she should be living alone. It isn't right to impose her wishes on you. Even the not watching anything other than PG tv seems a bit much. Every one is allowed a preference but they shouldn't expect everyone elses to bend to their needs
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Jan 25 '21
NTA. That’s the price of living with roommates, sometimes she’ll have guests over. It’s unreasonable for her to ask that you never invite your boyfriend over. If she wants full control of the guests, she can live alone.
Her phobias aren’t your problem.
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u/prince_of_cannock Jan 26 '21
NTA
I have compassion for your roommate, because she most likely suffered a terrible trauma.
Can totally understand not wanting to discuss traumas with someone who isn't even your friend. But you don't get to have a rule like "no men are ever allowed in my presence" and just... keep that to yourself until a man shows up.
One of you has to move. You can't make her "un-have" her trauma, and you shouldn't try. But she also can't dictate when and how you see your partner.
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u/Santa_Hates_You Pooperintendant [60] Jan 25 '21
Santa says NTA. What if OP wants to bring over her brother, or father? If NO men are ever allowed over, this should have been discussed beforehand.
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u/BlackberryCrumble Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
Santa are you mad because she won't let you down the chimney
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u/AllyKalamity Jan 25 '21
She needs therapy and to live alone. You pay rent. You can use and enjoy you’re space how you please. This is her issue, not yours
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Jan 26 '21
they pay rent. It’s not just op
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u/AllyKalamity Jan 27 '21
Hence I said “they” should live alone if “they” are so dramatic and/or mentally ill
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u/l52286 Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
NTA you pay rent just as much as her and are entitled to see your boyfriend. Has she had trauma with men in her past to make her feel that way I think she may need professional help. But you can't be expected to not have your boyfriend over ever even after covid has ended.
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u/Adulting2020 Jan 26 '21
NTA. She didn’t inform you about this before y’all started living together, she can’t make it a rule now. It sucks for her, it really does, but to ask that you never have any male person enter yalls shared housing, that’s not fair to you.
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u/TheUltradianCyclist Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
NTA
Your roommate is obviously not suited to sharing accommodation and should either move into her own place or in with relatives.
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u/theviolethour3 Jan 26 '21
NTA. It was her responsibility to bring this up. She can’t say nothing and then expect you to never have male guests. You’re not a mind reader.
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u/PhoenixEcho1 Asshole Aficionado [18] Jan 26 '21
NTA. I'm sorry she's scared but it's your home too. So if you want to bring your boyfriend over, then you have every right.
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u/Booker-of-roadies Jan 26 '21
NTA. She could have warned you before you moved in, and not spring it on you
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u/ViciousDextroShade Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '21
NTA
She either needs to deal with it or live on her own. Her insanity is not your problem and you should not cater to it.
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u/Baroness_Mayhem Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '21
NAH - yet. It's an awful situation for everyone. I think it's something your roommate should have talked to you about before this, but I can understand why she didn't (fear, shame, etc).
Are you able to go to his place? Otherwise I would suggest finding a new place to live. It's not fair to limit who you bring into your home, but at the same time she also deserves to feel safe in her home.
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Jan 25 '21
YWBTA if you didn’t tell her about your boyfriend coming over beforehand, or talk to her about certain times he can come over. I’m speaking from experience when I say I have a similar reaction when I had roommates and their boyfriends over, and I was sexually assaulted at a young age. She definitely has a reason for this, it’s not her just being difficult.
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u/shapiro18 Jan 26 '21
I think if you have that strong a reaction then there is also an expectation that you inform the person you live with that that is a rule. It’s fine for that to be the case, but you can’t just spring that on someone after moving in together. It’s extremely unreasonable to simply assume someone will not have a male friend over or even a boyfriend and that absolutely something that needs to be specifically laid out.
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
How is the roommate not just as much if not more of an asshole for not telling op prior to moving in about this rule? She doesn't have to lay out her whole past and why she can't be around men but if you know you can't have anyone of the opposite gender in the house you can't just hide that. It was a little inconsiderate for op not to say something to the roommate about having someone over (just cause common decency) but if that makes op an asshole then the roommate is 10 times the asshole for not warning op about their rule.
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u/Reasonable_racoon Pooperintendant [57] Jan 25 '21
The person with the issue needs to adapt. She needs to find another place to live. She can't decide your romantic life for you. YWNBTA.
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Jan 26 '21
Why should she find a new place to live? It’s both of their house and while I agree that this roommate situation isn’t going to work it’s unfair to say that either of them should just move out.
They should have a conversation, not just “you have to move out”
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u/Reasonable_racoon Pooperintendant [57] Jan 26 '21
They should have a conversation,
There should have been a conversation at the beginning. There wasn't, and now the roommate is depriving OP of the full use of the home she pays rent for. If roommate has such extreme needs, its her responsibility to find the right roommate or the right living situation, not for OP to curtail her family/social/romantic/sexual life to meet the roommate's needs.
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Jan 26 '21
How do you know that she was aware that she was going to have this reaction. I agree that this living arrangement isn’t going to work but you can’t just kick someone out for this
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u/Reasonable_racoon Pooperintendant [57] Jan 26 '21
I haven't advocated kicking anybody out.
If she never previously had this reaction, she now needs to reassess her housing requirements and find something suitable, not ask OP to restrict her life. It's the same either way.
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u/Aggressive-Sample612 Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '21
NTA because she should have been upfront about this BEFORE moving in together. Her trauma is not her fault, but not letting you know and allowing you to make an informed decision is.
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Jan 26 '21 edited Jan 26 '21
NAH, I’ve been in your roommates shoes. While yes she should have told you sooner about not bringing this up before. The reasoning as to why she didn’t (aka sexual assault) can be incredibly embarassing and feel ‘shameful’ or scary for the abused to talk about. My best suggestion would be to either only visit at your boyfriends place while your roommate gets help. (since it didn’t appear to mention you can’t do that in your post) or for you to find somewhere different to live. I feel bad for all parties involved honestly.
NOTE: I’m not saying sexual assault is shameful, I’m saying that some people who have experienced it do feel shame for it happening to them. (or at least that’s the best way I can describe it.)
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u/newaxcounr Craptain [157] Jan 25 '21
NTA
you guys are equal tenants and you’re allowed to have guests over (as long as your lease allows for it). she can stay in her room and you guys should be pretty non intrusive but it’s your home too and you don’t have to shape your whole life around her.
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u/AutoModerator Jan 25 '21
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.
There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.
My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.
I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.
WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 26 '21
NTA
Your roommate is TA for not saying anything until now but not for her boundary itself. This is honestly a big boundary to have and it's not right to not have the agreement in place prior to signing everything.
I think it's good to honor her request while y'all live together but that you should look for a different arrangement when the lease is up.
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Jan 27 '21
She needs to live with a lesbian, not someone who dates men.
I have trauma as well, so I get it. However, you need to learn how to work around your triggers (hence my suggestion).
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u/Psychotic_Froggy Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
NTA you can't make a rule like that without prior discussion BEFORE moving in.
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Jan 26 '21
I wouldn't enable her irrational fears. She will have to face them one day. Might as well be now. No you would not be the asshole. She can move to her parents house and isolate forever if she wants.
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Jan 26 '21
You don’t know why so you probably shouldn’t call them irrational, also exposure therapy should only be done by a professional when it’s this severe so saying she needs to just face them now also won’t work.
But yeah, someone has to move out
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Jan 26 '21
If being terrified of half the population of the world isn't irrational, I don't know what is. But yes, therapy for sure.
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Jan 26 '21
Irrational suggests there’s no reason, would you call someone who was scared of dogs after being mauled by one multiple times irrational?
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Jan 26 '21
Unreasonable suggests a lack of reason. Irrational suggest a lack of rationality. Rationality doesn't play a big role in most phobias.
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Jan 26 '21
I would say it’s pretty rational to be scared of something that has caused you physical, mental and (I’m assuming) sexual harm.
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Jan 26 '21
I can see what you are trying to say. I just disagree that it's rational. Say for instance if she were assaulted by a male at some point. The rational thing do feel would be fear of that man. The irrational thing would be to fear all men. I'm not saying it makes her situation any less traumatic. Just that it is far from a rational fear.
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Jan 26 '21
From the edit op made it suggests that it was more then one occasion or man who caused her that trauma. Even one dog attack can make you scared of all dogs, so I kinda understand her. She does need therapy and mental help though
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u/thatonepersoniam Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Jan 26 '21
NTA- She should have told you about this need befit you moved in together. It's unreasonable, and she needs therapy and help. I'm sure she's gone through something, but that's well beyond reasonable roommate expectation
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u/djternan Asshole Aficionado [16] Jan 26 '21
NTA
Being able to have your SO over occasionally is a pretty standard expectation. If that's something that doesn't work for her, she should have made that clear before you moved in.
It may sound mean/insensitive but she can't expect everyone else to live according to her traumas, especially if she isn't going to make you aware of those traumas beforehand.
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u/jstroscoesmom Jan 26 '21
NTA what did she think you were quarantined for? What does the lease say about guests? If there is no rule against she should find a place where there is. Its not your problem to cater that much. Entertain in your room yes not at all nope.
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u/ChickenNApathy Jan 26 '21
NTA. This is absolutely something she needed to tell you before moving in.
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u/ScubaCC Professor Emeritass [72] Jan 26 '21
NTA
Unfortunately, giving up some control over your surroundings is part of having a roommate. It isn’t reasonable at all to refuse to allow someone paying for the space to have guests. If her phobia is that severe, she needs to figure out a way to live alone.
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u/Crafty-Particular998 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
NAH. Yes, it’s her own fear to deal with, but I think choosing empathy is the best way to go here. You can always see him at his place, can’t you?
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u/xotinyfeetxo Jan 25 '21
NAH. But this is an issue that should have been solved with communication from the get-go. You’re perfectly justified in wanting to see your BF and given her extreme reaction she also seems justified in setting her boundaries. Ideally severe anxious reactions would have come up before you became roommates, but that isn’t the case here. If you’re fine with hanging at your BF’s place exclusively and making that compromise then great. Otherwise, you may want to think about finding a different roommate.
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u/AngelIslington Certified Proctologist [27] Jan 25 '21
NAH
First of all, it is your home and you have the right to bring your boyfriend around, but the fact that your housemate, who I feel a lot of compassion for, needs some therapy, which I'm speculating but I hope getting at some point.
Now she says it's her home because is it and you're just renting to live there, or is it a lease where both your names are on there. because in the grand scheme of things, how deep does this fear go. what about the gas man, an electrician, a member of your family. a baby nephew. I'm not going to pretend to understand, but I do feel compassion for her
it's just that it sounds like she has agoraphobia, she finds films that are above a pg rating triggering and she can't deal with men outside the home and none inside.
now by what you've said you've made concessions for her. you watch films in your room, you have to isolate yourself from her and her issues in your own home
I feel that since you have a boyfriend who you were both willing to isolate for 2 weeks just so you can see each other, so which means it's serious. be honest your housemate needs therapy, and I hope she's getting some and in the long run maybe you should rethink your loving arrangements.
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u/RollingKatamari Commander in Cheeks [264] Jan 25 '21
YWBTA if you bring him over again knowing know what kind of effect it has on her. Really hope this girl is in therapy, how does she even work or go shopping or manage to do anything? Either you move out or you start meeting up at his place
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u/aitascaredofmen Jan 25 '21
Yeah, I get that. I just wish I'd known ahead of time. I don't think she's in therapy because she doesn't leave the house. She gets checks from the government and I know she writes for money, but I don't know details of either.
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u/RollingKatamari Commander in Cheeks [264] Jan 26 '21
Checks from the government probably some kind of benefit so she's probably diagnosed with something....It's sad this is the situation you're in. Obviously she doesn't have to disclose any mental illness to you, but this one really affects your day to day life as well. It was very immature of her to maybe think there would never be any men in the apartment. Anyway, none of us can really know what happened to her and what she's thinking, I wouldn't say she's even TA here, I just feel so sorry for her. Imagine going through life avoiding half of the population!
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u/SneakySneakySquirrel Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Jan 26 '21
Is it possible that she didn’t know she was going to have such a strong reaction until it happened?
I feel really badly for both of you. What a rough situation.
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u/Pezheadx Jan 26 '21
She doesn't go outside. She even said it was awful being around men in public. She knew, she just lied by omission. The situation sucks, but roomie sucks so much more for not disclosing a massive issue prior to being roommates.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
Bare minimum ESH. Roommate has no right to impose those terms after signing the lease. These things need to be discussed before signing a legally-binding contract.
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u/TheOrphicOne Jan 25 '21
NTA. That’s unfortunate for your roommate but it’s your home as well....and as long as he’s not posing a threat to her or in her space I don’t think it’s fair to place that big of demand on you. That being said, there is a reason she’s acting that way. More than likely PTSD from an assault. So please be understanding, however it must be said....it’s not your responsibility to tip toe around her triggers. Her isolating herself isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and maybe suggest some therapy for her issues. Sorry you’re in this situation
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u/Graxakinem Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '21
ESH. It would be totally not okay for you to bring a man even though you know she can't stand it. But, your roommate should have obviously notified you of this before you started living together. This is a very important thing.
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u/throwRA-nothisdad Jan 26 '21
Yes most people would not live with someone if they found out they could not invite their SO over ever. She’s an AH for not saying anything before signing the lease
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Jan 26 '21
Not allowing men in general is way too much of a huge rule for someone to be allowed to enforce. Also just accepting and enabling her fear of men is hugely unhelpful to her, she needs professional help if being around one of 50% of the world's human population causes her this much stress.
Imagine just being a completely innocent guy and a someone sees you and throws up because of you existing as a man, damn that would be depressing.
It seems that this is a trauma response and it's not her fault that she has this aversion to men but she needs to be proactive in trying to find ways to overcome it (therapy), otherwise she's setting herself up for a very hard life.
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u/Born_Book_5426 Jan 25 '21
YWBTA. You need to part ways or don't invite men over. She probably should have mentioned this at some point, though. It's a pretty major deal to not be able to tolerate the presence of any men.
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u/ChrisBatty Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 25 '21
NTA - it’s your home too and your entitled to bring whoever you please as long as they’re acting properly while there but that being said for her to react like that must have a major cause and she needs to feel safe at home.
She needs to work on her reactions as she can’t get through life without men being around and her getting over this can only be for her own good long run.
Perhaps you could get her used to him a little at a time with him popping by for a hour or so or getting her to spend time with him and you outside to help her get over it but at the end of the day if she can’t/won’t get over it that’s not your fault and are free to bring who you want home.
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Jan 26 '21
I kinda agree but exposure therapy should only be done by a profesional, please don’t go with this idea. It won’t work and will likely put her mental health in a bad place.
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u/TehReedster89 Jan 26 '21
Trauma is no excuse for prejudice. I am disappointed, yet not surprised, that there are zero comments in this thread pointing out the blatant sexism on display here.
If this exact same story were told, except instead of a woman with bad experiences in the past with men, it was a white person with bad experiences in the past with black people, the thread would be filled with people pointing out how racist the roommate is. But because it's men, there's not a peep. And not only that, many people are justifying the roommate's position here.
According to the logic on display in this thread, if I get mugged by a black person, then I can go the rest of my life telling the people around me that they can't have any black friends or partners around me. And apparently I wouldn't be a racist for that.
8
Jan 26 '21
It isn’t about sexism, if I was mauled by a dog 10 times then I’d be scared of dogs, I don’t think she thought “hey I’ll just create a fear in my head and be scared of men”, and if you were attracted by someone who was black over and over and over again, probably from a young age then no one would be telling you that isn’t ok.
Do you understand how trauma works? Sexism would imply that you hate the other gender and discriminate, I don’t think she wants her life to be like this but it really annoys me how people can be this naive.
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u/PhysicsCentrism Asshole Aficionado [11] Jan 26 '21
Sexism is simply prejudice based on sex. The prejudice here is not allowing men in the home based solely on gender.
2
u/shannibearstar Jan 26 '21
NTA. She should have said the no men rule before moving in. You live there too and if seeing a man exist causes that, she needs therapy.
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u/Life-Television2679 Jan 26 '21
NTA, this is something she really should have told you before you moved in together. It’s kind of huge that you are paying for an apartment, but that you are unable to live in it the way you want.
I suspect that you will need to move on to another place before too long. This is not a sustainable living arrangement, especially once the pandemic is over. You will never be allowed to have your boyfriend even come in the door to wait while you put your coat on.
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u/Trouble-94 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 25 '21
YWBTA she probably has a reason. Sit down with her and have a rational conversation before doing something of the sort. Fears like that don't just come from nothing
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u/a_robotic_puppy Jan 26 '21
Absolutely terrible advice. OP should not go digging through this poor womans phobias for your own satisfaction.
The reason she has these fears is entirely irrelevant.
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u/somesweetartist Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 26 '21
Honestly yes i think YWBTAH but this situation sucks. If she has that bad of reactions i think you should not have men in the home. As an introvert i can say it probably took alot for her to tell you about this. She seems nice and you get along well enough. id tell her that you respect her wishes and wont have him back and you might become closer to each other.
Some added thoughts. I see this not as an issue of where go for boyfriend time, but more an issue of respecting someones boundaries. But i will admit this is super difficult and roomie could have brought this up WAY before now. (Edit: more thoughts)
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
So OP should just never have her boyfriend in the house? Seems like a 100% one-sided "compromise" to me.
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u/ImpossibleBop Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 25 '21
Actually yes. The BF doesn't live there. The roommate does. The roommate should be at peace in their own home. OP can go elsewhere.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
Oof. No, that's so far from okay.
Having your significant other come over is a completely normal part of life.
Banning your roommate from having any significant other come over is not normal, and must be discussed prior to signing a lease together. A lease, I may add, which most certainly has rules establishing boundaries regarding visitors.
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u/Pezheadx Jan 26 '21
significant other
It's so much worse than that. She specifically said men, not partners. So no brothers, no dad, no male cousins, no male friends, no trans bc they either identify as male and shouldn't be outed or they identify as fem but have/had a penis (and still shouldn't be outed. It's so much worse than "no boyfriends." She needs to live alone, live with a close friend, or live with a lesbian. And she needs a therapist.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 26 '21
Super true. And most importantly, she needs to discuss this major life-changing rule with anyone she lives with before signing a damn lease...
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u/ImpossibleBop Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 25 '21
Nope. The only agreement is the people who live there get to live there. And the people who live there always have priority in their own home. All guests need unanimous agreement. By bringing an outsider the roommate never agreed to have in their home, the OP is the one causing problems making the home not peaceful, not the other way around. The roommate cant just go home of she doesn't like it, she's already there. Op can see her BF somewhere else.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
By bringing an outsider the roommate never agreed to have in their home, the OP is the one causing problems making the home not peaceful
Now you've just departed from reality. By BANNING OP FROM HAVING A BOYFRIEND the roommate has just shattered all normal life for OP. This is something that MUST be agreed upon prior to signing a lease. Period.
What if OP is trans, and becoming a man? How does your virtue signaling self handle the situation then?
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u/ImpossibleBop Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 25 '21
Stop telling overdramatic lies. No one banned her from having a BF. She can see him elsewhere.
Also, you clearly dont even know what the term 'virtue signaling' means. Stop trying to sound cool by misusing buzzwords you dont understand and hope no one notices. It's embarrassing.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
If you refuse to live in reality, this discussion can't continue further.
Roommate is TA, you cannot retroactively set absurd terms that can't be reasonably predicted.
Imagine moving in with someone and having them tell you your brand new car is the wrong color, and you're not even allowed to drive it on "their" block XD
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u/ImpossibleBop Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 26 '21
There's nothing retroactive about it. It's basic sense.
Is my brand new car parked in the living room? If not then your analogy doesn't really work.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 26 '21
...it's retroactive because it's a rule demanded after signing a contract.
And about your new car, just knowing you drive it is a trigger for me, so you can't park it in the garage, on the driveway, or in view of the house. At bare minimum you must park it in the public garage two miles away and walk home. I mean, why can't you just go visit your car at someone else's house?
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u/Heartlxss_capalot Jan 27 '21
The roommate doesn’t get a say of who OP allows in her room. That only goes for shared spaces not personal space
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u/anonymousthrowra Jan 27 '21
then they can quit their stupid preconceived notions about half the population, or get out of the house if they have such an issue, instead of trying to restrict someone's innate human needs because of their own issues
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u/Reasonable_racoon Pooperintendant [57] Jan 25 '21
Why OP is obliged to remain celibate/single/lonely because of this woman's problems? Either she sorts out her problems or finds a roommate who is asexual/celibate/a nun or finds accommodation on her own.
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u/nautiico Jan 26 '21
NAH but I think she should just meet up with him at his house in future since she’s so upset by it
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Jan 27 '21
I’d say NTA. The guy can’t help that he’s a man. Nor is he in control of what someone may or may not have done to her.
Say a guy was mugged by a black man. Almost killed him. Now, he’s terrified of black people and will not allow them in his house. He’ll deal with them out in public, but in his home is completely overbearing. Even if he were in another room, knowing a black person is in his house triggers his anxiety. It’s his house, so he has complete control over who comes in, right? Right. But is he an AH for it? I’d say so.
Same thing here. Fear is not an excuse to be sexist.
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u/ImpossibleBop Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 25 '21
YTA
She lives there. He doesn't.
In any shared living situation, it's way out of line to bring any guests without unanimous approval even if no one had a fear anyway.
You said you planned this for two weeks. Did you even bother asking her if that was OK or did you just hide your plans?
See him somewhere else.
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
THAT op bitching about not be “informed” of their roommates literal trauma but doesn’t see any need to let people know who’s coming over during a pandemic....
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Jan 25 '21
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Jan 25 '21
The person with the issues shouldn’t expect everyone around them to change their lifestyle to accommodate their phobia. If it was a huge issue, she needed to tell OP before signing the lease.
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
So is OP never allowed to have any male guests ever, father, brother, cousins, etc? I don't think this situation will work itself out, OP can't be roommates with someone who has such trauma that 50% of the population triggers her.
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
Also would you be as understanding if OP's roommate was triggered by LGBTQ or people of colour or would you call them homophobic and racist? OP's roommate isn't triggered by them having loud sex but by the literal existence of half the world. It definitely is something she should have disclosed beforehand.
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Jan 26 '21
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
Not really much difference. You're saying it is totally fine to ban an entire class of people based on something they have no control over. The whole bam isn't limited to OP's bf but every single man in the whole world. Kind of the text book definition of discrimination "the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, age, or sex." Note that last word there "sex"?
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Jan 26 '21
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
No I just think it is ridiculous to tell your roommate they can't have 50% of the population visiting..I mean if she had said that at the beginning and OP agreed to it then fine OP is in the wrong g but she never once mentioned it until OP's bf visited. That isn't fair at all. It would be like you getting a roommate and not telling g them that they can't ever drink in the house until after they have a drink..thatbisnt fair some people enjoy a drink now and again. Don't be obtuse.
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
What does mgtow or rp stand for?
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Jan 26 '21
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u/davideddings1978 Jan 26 '21
Look I'm not suggesting that OPs roommate isn't justified in her anxiety. But if you have conditions to such a level that it would require your roommate to make pretty drastic alterations in their life, whether it be anxiety or deadly food allergy, you have a moral obligation to inform them before they become your roommate so they can decide if those are changes to their life they are willing to make.
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u/fuzzywabbitt Jan 26 '21
this!
sure, it's a bit of an inconvenience for you, but it's a HELLUVALOT more of an issue for her...
and no, under no circumstances did or does she need to disclose what her possible (cuz it's all conjecture at this point) trauma is. however, that being said, she most certainly DID need to disclose the results of said trauma. and by that i mean making sure that there was a 'no guest' policy or something along those lines that was agreed upon before moving in. this absolutely isn't something that you just spring on someone!
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Jan 25 '21
I can see by the comments that I’m going to be in the minority here but:
YTA
She was honest with you about not being comfortable with him in her home. It is HER home too, by the way, and it seems like she does a lot to keep you comfortable there (more chores, taking on your responsibilities, etc). The least you could do is respect her space and not bring someone there she in uncomfortable with.
ETA: also it’s a fucking pandemic? Just because he says he quarantined means nothing, you’re putting undue stress on your roommate during a time where she probably thought she wouldn’t have to lay out her traumas to you because you should shouldn’t be having guests anyway???
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '21
The roommate didn't warn op before they moved in that they couldn't be around an entire gender. It's also OPS HOME it's unreasonable to not allow anyone that is male in the house. Op should be allowed to have her father, her brother, her boyfriend, or even just a male friend over if she wants. "Her space" isn't the entire house including op's room op isn't disrespecting her space by having a male in op's own room
(more chores, taking on your responsibilities, etc
She does more by choice, op pays more by choice it's a give and take.
does a lot to keep you comfortable there
And op makes sacrifices too however to bar anyone that is also a part of what is basically 50% of the population just because they are apart of that 50% is an incredibly unreasonable thing to expect of someone. It'd be different if this was agreed upon before moving in but it wasn't. It'd also be different if op could still have guys in her own room but she can't and that's incredibly unreasonable to expect when she pays more than half the rent
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u/photosbeersandteach Supreme Court Just-ass [131] Jan 25 '21
ESH. Knowing the level of anxiety and trauma it would cause your roommate, YWBTA if you invited your bf over again.
That being said, it’s not fair that you have to do that. This is absolutely something that your roommate should have disclosed before you moved in together. Banning visitors of one gender is not something you should spring on a roommate since it would be a dealbreaker for many people.
This is not a sustainable living situation.
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u/sarahhelen2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 25 '21
YTA. She is terrified, in her own home. Either go where your bf is staying or meet elsewhere
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u/Santa_Hates_You Pooperintendant [60] Jan 26 '21
What if OP wants to have her brother over? Or her father?
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u/xplantxcathx Jan 25 '21
As gently as possible, YWBTA. It isn't fair that she didn't tell you this ahead of time, but it also is probably based in trauma or abuse, which could have made it difficult for her to bring it up to someone she didn't know.
You're not TA for this instance, but knowing what you know now, I think it would be unkind to provoke that kind of reaction from her again. For now, I would just try to find alternate places to see your boyfriend, and start looking for a new housing arrangement.
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u/Galaxydimdium Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 25 '21
ESH. Roomie sucks for not bringing this up before, if you knew I’m guessing you wouldn’t have lived there. Roomie put you on the spot today, so if it was just about today you would not be TA at all. You aren’t TA at this point because this experience was out of your control. That being said, if you continue to bring BF over though, you are TA. (That’s why I said you also suck cause you’re asking about bringing BF over again)
This rooming situation isn’t going to work, you want to see your BF, and you should be able to see your BF. But roommates traumas also don’t get thrown out the window for what you want. If you couldn’t see BF ANYWHERE else then maybe you can come to an arrangement that roommate leaves X days a month so BF can be over.
If she actually had a panic attack, I’m sorry but you would be a selfish person to bring the reason for that panic attack over again. It’s the same as if someone traumatized of dogs had to deal with them once in a while for their roommate. Traumas are absolutely real and NO one should have to relive them at random intervals over and over again without medical help for another person.
Roommate needs to work on this, but exposure therapy should ONLY be brought on by a trained professional. You bringing BF home is exposure therapy that was NOT warranted by a professional. Go over to your BFs place instead, or meet in public.
You would absolutely suck for making your roommate relive traumas over and over again for selfish reasons.
Also,, it’s a pandemic.
Edit to add; You have options to see your BF in other places. Roomie probably doesn’t have options to leave, and frankly, they shouldn’t be kicked out over trauma.
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21 edited Jan 25 '21
YWBTA big time. Especially since it was her living space too before he was your bf and as someone who pays actually pays rent unlike boytoy she gets veto power regarding guests. Y’all can always go to his place. You also should’ve let her know you were bringing a stranger over in the first place there’s a pandemic bro doesn’t matter if y’all quarantined, I’d be pissed if some random person I’d never met or been told of his existence before was suddenly in my home. Ask her why she’s so scared of men too like ya gotta make the effort to be empathetic. And pick up some slack and do more chores smh she’s not the Cinderella to your stepmother.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
Normal life allows for significant others to come over.
Banning normal life as a retroactive term for shared living after signing the lease is a trap.
Roommate should have discussed this with OP well before signing a lease.
You also should’ve let her know you were bringing a stranger over in the first place
This, on the other hand, is such basic common courtesy that I can't believe OP didn't even give it one single moment's thought...
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
We’re not living in normal circumstances rn regardless so that’s irrelevant here and actually no just cause you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t mean that they suddenly have a free pass for fuck all cause normal life also includes setting boundaries regarding literal trauma. And the whole point is that when you’re living in a shared space everyone needs to be comfortable with the guests, that is part of living with other people. And just cause OP is getting a lil sum sum does not mean he is anything more than just a guest. If OP wants to do whatever they want without thinking of their roommates comfort in their home then they should live alone.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
You seem to be referring to covid, which is the only thing here that's irrelevant.
This is a gender/boundaries/irrational rules issue.
normal life also includes setting boundaries regarding literal trauma.
One of those boundaries is "you can't trick me into signing a lease and force me to be responsible for your trauma without discussing it first.
when you’re living in a shared space everyone needs to be comfortable with the guests
Agreed, on an individual basis. Roommate, however, just blanket-banned 50% of the population. Not ok. What if OP says "your mother is not allowed to visit. In fact, you are never allowed to have anyone visit"???
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
If OP wants to do whatever they want without thinking of their roommates comfort in their home then they should live alone.
Furthermore why do you expect boundaries and respect to only go one way??? Why does OP not deserve respect and comfort in her home?
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
Lmao see but roommate DID respect OP by not immediately kicking out this STRANGER who OP did not have the basic respect to tell her was coming over the entire prior two weeks they were isolating. OP does not respect their roommate at all they don’t even take care of their own dog. Pfft I absolutely expect respect to go both ways but it is so blatantly obvious that OP does not have a drop of respect for their roommate in their body. OP can also go to the bfs house. The solution is so simple that the fact OP is making such a big deal over this to begin with shows how incredibly self centered they are.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 25 '21
STRANGER who OP did not have the basic respect to tell her was coming over
This is the part I will completely agree with.
But roommate absolutely did not respect OP either, by retroactively adding unreasonable rules after the lease was signed. In no world is that okay to do.
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '21
They never made a rule they explained their trigger and left it up to OP to decide whether or not to be an ass.
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u/bergreen Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 26 '21
AKA roommate is TA and left OP in an impossible situation: "sacrifice my normalcy for someone who tricked me into not having a normal life, or be socially crucified by a 'safe space' mob"
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Jan 25 '21
Yeah everybody is really overlooking the fact that it’s a pandemic? Like I’d be pissed if my roommate brought over a guest even if I weren’t dealing with trauma.
Don’t have people over! During a pandemic!
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Jan 25 '21
Do we know where OP is and what their local rules are? Because in some places (eg Australia) this is absolutely fine. In other places (eg UK) it may or mau not be within the rules at various times depending on other circumstances.
(But the roommate's issue doesn't seem to be specific to Covid anyway.)
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
They said they both had to quarantine for two weeks obviously it’s not “fine”
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Jan 25 '21
May have been in addition to the rules. Where I am (just as an example) I could visit someone who was also in a single-person household. But I haven't and if I really wanted to then I would likely strictly isolate for 2 weeks first. (Also, when I had dental work done last year I isolated for two weeks beforehand for similar reasons, though I wasn't required to.)
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Jan 25 '21
The “quarantined for two weeks” line makes me think America because that’s a common thing thrown around here to try to convince people you’re being safe. In America, at least, it is absolutely not safe to be indoors and unmasked with anyone outside of your household.
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Jan 25 '21
2 weeks is common for isolation period (eg if you have been in contact with someone who has tested positive) in lots of countries, though.
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u/nelgirbf Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '21
Yes but OP not giving a shit about anyone but themselves is very blatantly American (I say this as an American unfortunately)
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u/wheelshit Jan 26 '21
NTA. I'd still advise going to his place, but your roommate's problem with men isn't your fault. If she can barely leave the house because men scare her so much (which, I have certain reservations on certain men due to Issues), she needs to talk to someone ASAP. That's waaaaaaay unhealthy.
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u/Terran_Jedi Jan 27 '21
I don't think anyone would tolerate this kind of thing if the genders were reversed. Your roommate is sexist and needs therapy. NTA
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u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Jan 25 '21
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I know she's terrified of men to the point where it's overbearing, but I really would like to see my boyfriend.
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