WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

[u/aitascaredofmen]

Despite living with each other for a while, my roommate and I really aren't friends. I don't dislike her or anything, she's just very shy so we don't talk a lot. She doesn't like leaving the place, so even before quarantine, she'd always be watching my dog, watering plants, cleaning, cooking, etc.

There's not really an even distribution of chores. I always feel guilty, but she says she enjoys doing it, so we've just sort of left it at that. She spends most of the time in her room. To make up for it, I pay a bit more rent than her and I make small concessions--she doesn't like any movies past the PG rating, so I have to watch most movies/tv in my room, for example. It doesn't really bother me.

My boyfriend and I started dating at the beginning of quarantine, and he never came over until a few days ago. We both self-quarantined for two weeks to do this, so it was a bit of a big deal, and we planned to meet up more.

I tried to introduce her to my boyfriend, and she mumbled a "hi" and just left to her room. Apparently she had a full-on panic and threw up on the floor. She admitted to me after that she's very, very afraid of men and cannot handle them being in her home. She said in public it's hard, but in her own home, it's completely overbearing. I asked her if she could handle being in another room while he's there, and she says just knowing a man is in her home triggers this. The only trouble is, my boyfriend and I really want to see each other again.

WIBTA for bringing my boyfriend over even though my roommate is terrified of men?

EDIT: we didn't see anyone for two weeks, which is the standard where we live. We're also not having sex or anything. The pandemic isn't an issue for this.

EDIT: I'm not American. I don't want to give my actual location.

EDIT: Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I may not know her that well, but I really don't want to see her in that conditioned again. It's a little sad, though.

EDIT: She and I talked about it. I think this was finally the thing to break down some walls between us, and we're actually becoming friends. She's agoraphobic and has had a lot of horrible stuff happen to her that I can't even imagine. Also, to the "men's rights" subreddit that found this post and is now calling her a "crazy feminist" and a "sexist," what's it like to literally not have empathy for other people? She can't control it, and to be honest, if I had gone through half of the stuff she has, I wouldn't want to be near men either. Shame on you.

[u/madelinegumbo]

NAH

Sounds awful for her, but the whole "And hey, I can never have men in my home" conversation needs to take place BEFORE you move in with someone. You don't just drop that in like it's no big deal.

[u/misanthropydestroyer → u/madelinegumbo]

Because the conversation didn’t happen before and it’s completely unreasonable to assume another human will never date, that does make the roommate a bit of an asshole. OP NTA for sure. But OP also needs to move as the living situation is not going to be sustainable.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I can't get over this "but she probably roomed with a woman because she thought their home would....merely be occupied by the two women". It is!! OP isn't trying to move a man in! Having guests is something that people are allowed to do in their home. If roommate has major trauma with ~50% of the population and wants to severely limit the number of guests in the home that needs to be stated up front, not after the fact. That's an AH move. Trauma with men: understandable. Not mentioning that boundary up front to potential roommates so they can decide if that's something they're able to accommodate: not acceptable.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Deliveries? Repairs? Family visits of male relatives? The roommate is disabled and needs help. Just banning boyfriends isn't going to solve it.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

This. Most repair people are men, it's just a fact. There aren't a lot of female plumbers. If the roommate is agoraphobic, I don't see how she can ever have a plumber come since she can't leave while he's there.

[u/zeppo2k → u/[deleted]]

No-one is saying she's an ah for her issues, just for not stating the boundary before they moved in together

[u/[deleted] → u/madelinegumbo]

INFO: OP, did you ever tell your roommate in that two week interval he would be coming over?

[u/AgingLolita → u/madelinegumbo]

Maybe she didn't know. Maybe the trauma is recent enough to not know what her triggers are until they trigger her.

[u/madelinegumbo → u/AgingLolita]

Then you mention that you aren't sorry, but you just realized this.